After Cheating...

[Guest]

My boyfriend of 4 years had a ONS with someone he didn't even know. I beleive he is truly sorry and we are trying to work past this.

Somedays I hate him...somedays I love him. I get a sick feeling whenever I think of what happend.

 

I don't want to go out anymore because I am worried about what other people think. I know it sounds stupid..but I don't want people to look at me and talk about me staying with him.

 

Also, ever since this has happend I keep thinking about girls he has slept with before me. It is really bothering me and it never has before. He had a few ONS before we were together and now since this has happend..it makes me sick.. has anyone else felt this way?

 

I love him so much and I'd like to give him ONE more chance but I don't know how to get over these things. Help.

[norajane]

First, you have to stop tormenting yourself about the ONS's that happened BEFORE you were dating. They had nothing to do with you and are no reflection on your relationship. Clearly, they meant nothing to him anyway.

 

And stop tormenting yourself about what other people think. They are not in your head, they are not in your relationship, they are irrelevant, and frankly, everyone has issues so who knows what they themselves are dealing with in their relationships.

 

Your main issue is the ONS your bf just had. What is he doing to help you through this? Has he explained what led him to it? Do you feel like you can't trust him anymore, or do you feel confident that he wouldn't do anything like that again?

 

To help you get over cheating, he has to cut off all contact with the person he cheated with. He has to understand why he did it and then avoid the situations where he might be tempted again - was he out drinking with his buddies without you? That sort of thing needs to stop until you feel you can trust him again. He needs to try to make amends with you, in whatever form that takes...do you need him to call you and check in so you know where he is? Do you need him to kiss your ass in a major way and beg forgiveness? Do you need him to acknowledge how hurt you are and make promises? What would make you feel even a little better? Whatever it is, be honest and tell him what you need him to do.

 

Ultimately, in order to stay with him, you have to forgive him - not for his sake, but for yours so you can let go of the pain and anger and jealousy. If you can't do that, you won't be able to rebuild your relationship.