Worry about regrets if we separate/divorce

[Mustang Sally]

Well, last week I told my H that I thought we should spend some time apart - separate. He works several hours away from where we live, so I thought it would make sense for him to get a place in the city where he works. (He commutes there several times per week, and comes home in between his working days.) I work in the city where our house is, and the kids go to school there, obviously. We have been living in temporary housing, planning to build, so the house we are in isn't really our "home." He flat out refused to live apart from us, even when I told him that I would move out with the kids if he didn't want to stay in his work-town.

 

He did, at least, finally hear that I was serious about this mess of a M we have created. I have tried to talk to him about the problems in our M for the past 2-3 yrs, but he has always blown it off. This time he got it. I had never talked seriously about separation or divorce before. I was able to tell him these things with little emotion...my days for crying are long over.

 

He, on the other hand was quite teary and regretful. Promising to "fix it" and "change in whatever way(s) needed" etc., etc., etc. I don't think that is reasonable to expect someone to change to that degree. Besides, I have responsibility for our issues, too, and I don't really care to put any more effort into it. I think some of his issue is just ego and not wanting to admit that we are both in this place...a place that we never thought we'd be.

 

Because we have young children, it is hard for me to fight to convince him on this. The thought of continuing this R makes me feel nauseated and trapped, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's a lot easier to just go on with this "for the sake of the kids" and because it's at least a known entity. I am financially self-supporting (and kids, too) but it still scares me. What if I had regrets? I haven't officially filed for separation, because of worries about regrets and worrying that I'll mess the kids up worse if I go than if I stay.

 

I'm usually a pretty decisive person. Does this fear of going forward with this mean that it really isn't the right thing to do??? Can't believe how wishy-washy I am becoming.

[Sonitas]

I feel your sadness. I can clearly understand where you are coming from, for my situation is close to the same. I can't tell you what your hesitation means, only you can figure out what it is you need to be happy and that no "other person" can do that for you. The greatest gift you can give your partner is your own happiness.

 

"I don't really care to put any more effort into it" that statement caught my eye the most. Obviously you are not willing to work this through? If your husband did all the things you dreamed of, worked hard at making this relationship work, would you still walk away?

 

You want to try spending some time apart, what kind of goal are you wanting to accomplish by requesting this from him. You don't want to put any effort in your relationship, and you want to live apart. But you don't want a divorce? Maybe there is a glimpse of a chance there, a hope of starting over and holding on to those years you have invested with each other.

 

Of course he is going to refuse to live apart from his family, a man takes alot of pride in his family, I am sure he does not want to see his young children be apart from him anymore then they already have too. He is going to want to "fix" things but unfortunately he will have to learn that you can't "fix" a relationship, it is not broken, it is just changing, growing, and you both have to learn from each other, TALK to each other.

 

Have you gone to councelling?

 

Has their been any affairs?

[Mustang Sally]

Thank you so much for that reply.

 

You're right. I have told him that I don't really know that I want to fix it. But he was a child of divorce (I was not, my parents still married for near fifty years now) and he tells me that I can't do that to the kids. That, of course, scares the hell out of me. I'd walk through fire for them, so shouldn't I just stay in this relationship for them? But I worry about them growing up thinking this kind of marriage is the best one can hope for. Still - they love thier dad and the thought of them hurting...I don't know if I can survive their pain.

 

There have been no affairs, but the thought of being with someone else has consumed me at times. I don't have any real prospects out there - I don't think it's appropriate to allow an already horribly difficult situation to become muddled with another relationship. I can hardly think straight as it is. That is part of what scares me. Pathetic and weak as it may be, I worry that I will never find another person to share my life with. Who would want to be involved with a professional woman who already has 4 kids??? On the other hand, I feel also pretty confidant that I can be ok by myself. Just sad if that is how it works out.

 

He has not had any affairs, although he did tell me he has been propositioned before. He said he laughed it off and didn't act on it.

 

I asked him to go to counseling several times in the last 1-1 1/2 yrs, but he just told me I was depressed, I should take medication, and that things would get better. Now he knows I'm serious, and he wants to go, but I think I would still be using it as a way to get out...? I don't know. I'm afraid that it would "guilt" me into staying with him. I think I'd do better with IC?

[Sonitas]

Thank you so much for that reply.

 

You're right. I have told him that I don't really know that I want to fix it. But he was a child of divorce (I was not, my parents still married for near fifty years now) and he tells me that I can't do that to the kids. That, of course, scares the hell out of me. I'd walk through fire for them, so shouldn't I just stay in this relationship for them? But I worry about them growing up thinking this kind of marriage is the best one can hope for. Still - they love thier dad and the thought of them hurting...I don't know if I can survive their pain.

 

There have been no affairs, but the thought of being with someone else has consumed me at times. I don't have any real prospects out there - I don't think it's appropriate to allow an already horribly difficult situation to become muddled with another relationship. I can hardly think straight as it is. That is part of what scares me. Pathetic and weak as it may be, I worry that I will never find another person to share my life with. Who would want to be involved with a professional woman who already has 4 kids??? On the other hand, I feel also pretty confidant that I can be ok by myself. Just sad if that is how it works out.

 

He has not had any affairs, although he did tell me he has been propositioned before. He said he laughed it off and didn't act on it.

 

I asked him to go to counseling several times in the last 1-1 1/2 yrs, but he just told me I was depressed, I should take medication, and that things would get better. Now he knows I'm serious, and he wants to go, but I think I would still be using it as a way to get out...? I don't know. I'm afraid that it would "guilt" me into staying with him. I think I'd do better with IC?

 

You should not stay in a relationship just for the kids, you need to be happy too. Reading your post was like spilling my own feelings on paper, how your choices effect your family can be heartbreaking at times.

 

Your parents have been married for 50 years, that is fantastic, and don't you think that they went through some difficult times, times where they just wanted to run in the opposite direction and start over? Now is your opportunity to show your husband what a commitement you have made to each other and work together to create a marriage you have dreamed of.

 

Relationships take work, alot of work. The first thing you need to decide is if you are willing to give your husband a chance to prove himself. I know right now you are thinking that you have been working so hard at this relationship for so long and you have nothing left to give. Men don't see things the way we do, and maybe it does take an earth shaking to make them see, make them validate our feelings.

 

He is willing to go to councelling, that is great. Individual councelling is good too, maybe that will help you come to find what it is that you are missing in your relationship.

 

Four kids and a profession takes up alot of your time. You need to take some time for yourself and discover what you need to be happy. And realize that both you and your husband need quality time together, and apart. Which can be very hard when life is so hectic!

 

Try to stay positive, think of all the good things you have in your life and work on adding to that list.

[Mustang Sally]

Sonitas,

I read your thread ("What is holding me back..."). Yes, I can completely empathize with you. Our situations seem to be very similar.

 

I guess I wanted to separate so that I can have some time without him in my face all the time with the "I can change" and "I'm a different man now" business. Don't think I really believe him. And I have contributed to this myself - have I changed? No, not really. So how can whatever he does be the answer to it all? Also so I could see that I really can handle this on my own (not like I haven't been doing that for years, anyway) and hopefully strenghten my conviction to go through with the big D. Or if I cave, then I'll just come back.

 

He doesn't want to separate because he says we need to spend more time together, how can it get better with us apart? I can see his point, of course, but again - this is providing that I want it to get better.

 

I think my parents' marriage is total bullsh#t on many levels. Yes, they have decided to just slug through it, they will never leave each other. But it's not like the relationship has been one to emulate, especially of late. There's alot of crap going on between them that just gets worse over time.

 

Basically, I think that the Cinderella version of marriage/true love is a complete myth, or at least an extreme rarity. At least, it is when you are young and get married. Who can know how life will affect you and what changes will take place? I used to buy into the "well, that is the commitment you made, and you must stand by it at all costs" line of thinking, but I can't see that anymore. Is it really my lot in life to feel this unsatisfied and trapped? Is it really?

[Sonitas]

Right now he is grasping at strings, he is going to try and "fix" things, but he may not realize at this time that it is not something you just fix. If he really wants this to work he is going to have to make alot of changes, and you would have to give him support by letting him know that you have confidence in him to make those changes.

 

My H has said all the same things, he has changed alot, but then at times I get a glimpse of the old self and wonder if his changes are just for my benefit, just a front, or if he truly wanted to change to better himself.

 

It's a difficult time in life, a decision that I am sure you never thought you would have to make. A life altering decision. The grass is not greener on the other side, all relationships take compromise, I too feel scared of never finding someone else. But you can't let fear control you.