bubbafranks Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I started dating a wonderful girl about 6 months ago. When we started dating, I knw that she was also seeing another guy and I was ok with that, I felt that if things went well between us then it wouldn't matter. After a couple of months, I started to fall in love with her. I told her this and she told me that she thought she was falling in love with me but that she also felt that things were going well really well with this other person and that she was unsure what to do at that point. I knew putting pressure was not a good idea so I let it go for awhile just spending quality time with her and letting things work themselves out..... This worked for about a month and then I asked her if she was still seeing the other guy. She said yes (she has always been honest with me about him) and I started to get jealous. I don't fall in love easily at all and really have a lot of optomism about this girl but at that point I started to wonder if I should continue in the relationship. About two months ago I told her that she needed to make up her mind and choose one of us and that I would respect her decision. I felt that neither one of us would have a true chance with her until her mind was clear of one of us, she agreed. Around valentines, things kind of came to a head. She still hadn't made her decision, she was still talking to both of us and seeing us both. I got frustrated and told her I didn't want to see her anymore and that she should just go be with the other guy, and I stopped calling her. A few days later she came to me and told me she loved me and not him and that she didn't want ot lose me. I told her ok, but that I didn't want to ever hear about the other guy again and that I wanted us to have a legitimate chance... We dated for about two weeks and things were great but then she started to become distant again. I asked what was wrong and she said she still "missed" the other guy and thought about him all the time. I got really upset. I can understand that it is difficult to let someone go who you really care about. She really needs to try to let him go and she just can't but I am confused becasue she chose me over him when I left her. I also think that the somewhat abrupt transition to being my girlfriend after dating two guys and being somewhat free was hard for her.... So she told me that she needed "space" to figure what she really wants and I agreed, but she keeps texting me and we have met up a few times out at bars and slept together. I have a hard time telling her no and not answering the phone because I love her but I know the only way to get him out of her head is to probably ignore her for awhile and let her really see what it would be like to lose me. I haven't talked to her or heard from her for two days now. Link to post Share on other sites
thecount Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 Why did you choose to be with her if you knew she was seeing someone else? It's almost like you asked for it. Was she seeing this guy before you and she started dating? Did the other guy know about you? It does sound a lot like she can't make up he mind. Very immature, and I'm afraid that you'll get hurt in the end. You have to ask her what it is she misses about you. Does she miss YOU or does she miss the excitement of having 2 guys chasing her? It's not healthy bro. Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 I wouldn't feel so much like a yo-yo as a safety net. I've been torn between my feelings for two people as well, I do understand what she is going through, but at some point a person has to make a decision, which is scary (how do you ever really know if you made the right decision) She could be doing it for a lot of reasons, fear of commitment, fear of chosing the wrong guy, well... now that I think about it fear is probably the driving factor... unless she is just not capable of having a relationship with just one person. However I think you already know what you need to do, you said it yourself... you just lack the courage to do it. Let her know you do care, but that it is tearing you apart... tell her that you don't want to hear from her again until she is ready to make a decision she can live with... Either way you have to do what is best for you, even if she "decides" to choose you... there is always the chance that the other guy will be in the background, are you willing to risk that? Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I told her this and she told me that she thought she was falling in love with me but that she also felt that things were going well really well with this other person and that she was unsure what to do at that point.I can't believe I just read this!!!! You can't be that insecure, can you? Never play second best! She's crossing ALL KINDS of boundaries and you are letting her. This will most certainly form... a habit. Your biggest mistake was knowing and accepting the 'other' guy from the beginning. In her eyes, she could get away with anything because you apparently have no boundaries whatsoever. Guess what? Even if you are unlucky enough for her to choose you.... yes, I said unlucky.... this girl will find someone else down the road... and continue to play the both of you. Smarten up! Run Forest! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbafranks Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 Thanks for the advice guys. I totally agree that I will always run a risk with this girl if we get beck together, I truly hope she eventually matures and sees what she has been doing has been unhealthy behavior for all concerned. As for me, I was doing really well for those two days and then I broke down and called her. I'll admit I was feeliing confused because we had slept together last weekend and had had such a good time. She was really nice to me on the phone saying she was glad I called, but instantly I knew it was a mistake. She clearly didn't have anything new to say about what has been going on. I know I need to let her be the one who calls, and I need to be more patient than 2 days...Why am I so weak???? I have never acted desperate before and I am usually a confident guy. I know I can meet other girls if I want to....what's wrong with me? I need you guys to beat me over the head with something heavy. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 for you... it's all about self respect. Your first sentence was that she was with someone else while dating you. Big no no. Not only do you display a lack of respect for yourself... but she has no respect for either guy. Does she really need two guys to juggle? Hell no... I don't care how attractive she is. Besides... even if she chose you... it would take all about 6 days before you started sweatin' the other guy... jealousy.... wonderin' if she's still talkin' to him. Trust me.... you don't need that aggrivation. If the relationship started out "lousy"... then it could only get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
thecount Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Thanks for the advice guys. I totally agree that I will always run a risk with this girl if we get beck together, I truly hope she eventually matures and sees what she has been doing has been unhealthy behavior for all concerned. As for me, I was doing really well for those two days and then I broke down and called her. I'll admit I was feeliing confused because we had slept together last weekend and had had such a good time. She was really nice to me on the phone saying she was glad I called, but instantly I knew it was a mistake. She clearly didn't have anything new to say about what has been going on. I know I need to let her be the one who calls, and I need to be more patient than 2 days...Why am I so weak???? I have never acted desperate before and I am usually a confident guy. I know I can meet other girls if I want to....what's wrong with me? I need you guys to beat me over the head with something heavy. BubbaFranks, You slept with her? knowing that she's still with this other guy? hummmmm!!! Dude come on bro, you know that she's doing the samething with the other guy. You are running a big risk here. If she finds it that easy to sleep around like that. Why would you want her? You lay down with garbage you get up smelling like it. Becareful. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I've never been in love with two people at the same time. I don't know if that's abnormal or not. I've dated more than one person at a time for a brief period- but never more than a couple weeks. One person will always stand out above the other. I'd consider what this girl is doing to be really unfair to you. I don't think you have any other choice but to let her go. I could understand if it was a couple weeks of dating... but sleeping with two people long term and not being able to make up one's mind? Not cool. soooo not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbafranks Posted March 22, 2007 Author Share Posted March 22, 2007 Well, we have slept together a couple of times recently. I think I didn't make it clear that she is not actually seeing the other guy and hasn't been since she effectively "dumped" him on Valentines. The problem is that she still misses him and was acting distant. Thats what started this "I need space" thing. The problem I have been having is justifying more space for her when she has had plenty of time to work this out already, this had been going on for months when I told her I didn't want to see her anymore just before valentines. As for no contact, The problem is that she had been contacting me especially when she would be drinking. I admit too that I had difficulty not texting her or calling her as well, I really miss her. We hooked up last weekend because of that kind of stuff. I know I need to be strong, it would almost be easier if she WAS to start dating or seeing that other guy again because that would really make me mad at her and make it easier for me to let her go. I am trying to move on by just saying to myself "she is with him in her head" and using that as motivation to be without her, sometimes that works. In the end, this situation really messed with my head and I have not been making good decisions. I really do appreciate you guys supporting me through this though, it means alot to know I'm not by myself Link to post Share on other sites
thecount Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Bubbafranks, the hardest thing to do is to let go of someone you love. Even when they mistreat you. You start making excuses after excuses for them. In the end you'll relize that she's not changing. I hate to tell you this. just the fact that she tells you she misses the other guy is just rude to you. Why do you want to hear that? Why would she dare to say that? because if you ever find out that she's with him. She'll say i told you i missed him. So you really can't be mad at her. She's playing a game. I had let go of my ex, I still answer the phone every now and then. i don't feel pain, or anger to her. i answer on my terms. If i choose to help that's because i still care somewhat, but nothing more then that. I can't wait for the day that I just won't feel anything for her anymore, but for now i still care. Not enough to take her back. Even though she's asked. She hurt me too much too many times. You'll get to that stage too. The people here on LS helped me a lot. I thank them all for their insight on my situation. In the end it's up to you to make that final decision. Keep posting here everytime you want to talk to her. Better talking to us, then someone who's willing to hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 You need space bro... for you. So what if she calls drunk a couple times a week... that doesn't mean you have to answer it. I couldn't imagine... being involved with a girl.. .that says or SHOWS she's missing someone else to me. BLAH! If you don't distant yourself from the situation, and keep jumping at her every beckin' call... she will learn NO lessons from her actions. You give her an inch, she takes a mile. You don't deserve that, nor do you have to explain your distance from her.... turn the other way... for awhile. Let her realize her OWN horrible actions. You'd be very surprised how standing up for yourself will effect her 'thinking'. Always remember YOU are #1. Not her. Worry about you first... what YOU want and how YOU wanted to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
princessjulieanne Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Bubba, since you were kind enough to help me see things a little bit clearer...hoping I can return the help. From a female perspective, think the best would be for you to allow her to have her "space", try to get out and enjoy life a bit. Not to intentionally make her jealous but its human nature to want back what was ours and even more when we realize we may have lost it. Don't play games but she needs to realize that you deserve to be treated better and that she may get more space than she really wanted. Hugs to you and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbafranks Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 You guys have no idea how much you are helping me The irony of this whole thing is I SO want to call her right now but I won't and reading your posts really helps me not to. Isn't it ironic that you can love someone so much and then the only way you can really prove it to them and yourself is to leave them alone. Feels counterintuitive but I understand it now. Its about being strong and not accepting a suboptimal relationship/situation. Its also about restoring the balance bewteen two people..sure I could call her, maybe she would even want to see me but nothing would be changed. I am not going to accept that anymore. Things will have to be very different between us for there ever to be another "us". That I can live with. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Here's what I always say Bubba.... imagine your best friend, one you may have grew up with... is having the same problems with his on and off again GF... the way she treats him, talks to him, plays games with his head and heart.... and ask yourself.... what advice would you give him???? I'd hope and think you'd say..... "Kick that girl to the curb..." right? Link to post Share on other sites
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