Hello all and here is my story....

[Kat]

I stumbled over this site because I needed someone or somewhere to talk.

 

I am currently in a relationship with a man who I totally adore. We have been together just over a year.

 

I am currently having trust issues due to a past relationship which was pretty bad.

 

Let me explain....(and please save the "you are an idiot" 's because I know)

 

I was 17, immature, thought I knew the world, and met a guy who knew all the right things to say and do. He was a nice guy, bad guy, psycho guy all in one. After I moved interstate to be with him (met him while he was on holidays visiting his g/f) everything was fine for a few months. Around about the 3 mth mark was the first "assult" where he headbutted me in a drugen arguement. Since I had always been a rough tough kinda girl it wasn't an issue. Then it started getting serious. Regular beatings, black eyes, and blood noses. He always sad sorry and always acted truely sorry.

I was in a different state to my family with no job so I was kind of stuck for options, but I stayed. Now we tried to work it out but it didn't and after he beat me up on my 18th birthday I told him that was it and left. Packed up and left two days later and flew home. A week later found out I was pregnant. Now growing up with divorced parents I always told myself my children wouldn't go through it.

So I gave him another go.

 

In short, the next few months a got a Domestic Violence order out against him, he breeched it a couple of times, he threatened to kill me and my/out unborn child, found out he may of passed me a [curable] std which could of injured my/our unborn child, and that he had been cheating on me our entire relationship.

 

I finally ended up leaving him for good, went home to my supportive family, had my child and started university.

 

This guy, I spose I should call him X wouldn't let up. He kept ringing, sending emails, sending letters saying he wanted to get back with me. Even threatened to kill a guy when he found out I was 'seeing' someone else.

 

Then I found Dan We were friends at first which ended up being the best relationship I have been in.

 

Now I believe in being faithful, and so does Dan, and even after a year and a bit I still find myself making up stories of what Dan *Might* do, and what he *Could possibley* do and it is tearing me up.

 

I am so over X it isn't funny. I would prefer he was dead but he isn't so I guess you can gather how highly I rate him in my life. But he still affects my life.

 

One half of me KNOWS with all my heart that Dan would NEVER do anything to hurt me (intentionally) and wouldn't cheat on me. Yet there is some "Evil possed Kat" left inside who still talks to my self consious saying that he could, and he might and what if and maybe... and it is tearing me up.

 

 

I am not very good at transferring my thoughts via keyboard so sorry if I am not making sense or am being very jumpy.

 

Apparently Dan thinks I am so much better than a year ago, and I have come along way. He is very supportive and has stood by me through everything and has never blamed me. But I still feel as if I am blaming Dan for something X did. It cuts me up inside and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I communicate openly with Dan about all this and he knows exactly how I feel and he understands but I feel awful.

 

I spose it is just a matter of "time heals all wounds" and each "wave" of emotions I get and talk to Dan about things get a little better, but I am after some advice.

 

Has anyone else been violated and cheated on and gotten over it? Been able to move on and have fulfilling relationships?

 

I spose I just wanted to get this out more than anything.

 

There is alot more to the relationship but in short(yet again)..

 

I love Dan with all my heart and plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I am afraid of losing him (yay I am human) and find myself making up stories in my head where usually I end up in tears and with that "breaking heart" feeling. I know he would never do anything to hurt me, and he is an actual man and if he did want to be with someone else would break up with me first (if that ever happened, not that it will *cross fingers*) but there is a small part of me that is on alert all the time. Is that natural? Is this normal? This is the real relationship I have ever been in so I am not sure what pure love and trust is spose to feel like.

 

Ok I will shut up now that I am going nowhere.

 

Thanks for staying this long if you did.

 

Kat

[Debster]

It sounds like the earlier relationship was just horrible and congrats for getting out.

 

If your boyfriend isn't giving you any cause to worry (and do a gut check on this), than the problem is yours to solve and you should solve it before he gets frustrated with the situation.

 

I would recommend some books on self-esteem as it's natural for your self-esteem to have taken a blow after your last relationship and also practice controlling your mind. The next time you think or visualize something bad happenning, recognize it and stop thinking about it. A lot of the panic you're causing yourself.

[pinkroses]

physically abused in a realtionship, but have had other forms of abuse. It does tend to affect your trust and faith in future relationships. I would definitely suggest therapy to help you get over what happened to you, and to make sure you don't get into another abusive relationship.

[HokeyReligions]

Everything that you are feeling and experiencing now sounds normal for what you went through.

 

Something you said at the beginning of your post is what sticks in my mind. You said "save the 'you are an idiot's because I know"

 

First: You are NOT an idiot. You were victimized and you made some bad choices. We ALL make bad choices from time to time - that is one way we learn. Something that you may be falling into is a "victim mentality" and that is certainly understandable, but unhealthy.

 

I commend you on trying to do the right thing by staying with the father of your child, AND on recognizing that was not the best thing to do and getting out of the relationship. That shows strength and you should be proud of the accomplishment.

 

Dan sounds like a great guy - but he may get tired of constantly reassuring you and supporting you if he does not receive the same from you and if you both don't get a break from it. In my opinion, based solely on what you wrote in your posts, I think you should get some professional counseling to help you deal with the emotional issues. Abuse is not easy to "get over" by yourself and it can have long lasting effects if you don't get some help. Try contacting a womens center in your area - or your local United Way agency -- they may have resources for you. Once you have more information and talk face-to-face with someone outside of the situation, but who knows about what you have gone through and are going through, you will feel better. They can give you some tools to use to help you.

 

Please don't hesitate to get some help. If not for your sake, for your child's and for Dan's.

[Kat]

you are right, Dan is amazing. He is very supportive and also helps with Hope (my daughter). He has never said "Get over it or I am gone" or even anything like it. He joked about it the other night and I nearly died. BUt he gave me a big hug and said he was proud of me for how far I had come, and that he has no idea what I had been through but he does know it can cause alot of damage. He said he would be there for me and he would never turn his back on me.

 

Now don't get me wrong I never say "Don't do that X used too" or "You are just like X right now" That is immature, insulting, and plain untrue.

 

It is kind of like a celebration when I move ahead in life. I have gotten over alot of things such as, his female work mates, him going out drinking with his mates, him talking to his ex's. I think that is pretty good for a year and a half. But I just want something to kill this damn lost soul still stuck in me who won't die.

 

I have gone to councelling before, both for my relationship and the violence, and both times I basically told the coucellor what the issue was, what has happened, what I am doing now, and how I viewed it. Both times they kind of looked at me and said "You seem to be aware of what happened and are dealing with it fine" (probably doesn't help I am studying to be a social worker )

 

HokeyReligions - I don't consider myself an idiot, I just feel as if I have made some idiotic choices in my life, and some people might see that as who I am/was. I know when I hear stories of people who could leave but don't and I get annoyed. But now I kind of understand.

 

pinkroses - I don't think I will ever get into another abusive relationship, I plan on being with Dan for the rest of my life and well we are a real couple with no violence

 

Debster - He has NEVER given me a cause to worry, and I am very much the "When you did this, this is how I feel" kind of person. I am aware of the panic, and I usually do try and visualise something else, sometimes it helps other times my evil kat sitsa there going "See That is what can happen." *smacks evil kat in the noggin*

[CityGyrl]

Kat:

 

I'm glad you were able to come out of that abusive relationship. Because a lot of women don't come out alive. You realized that you deserved better and moved on with your life. That's commendable.

 

We all carry emotional baggage in one form or another in our relationship. We are so afraid of being hurt in the next relationship that we carry that defensive mechanism/wall with us and put it up at the first little sign of trouble. Believe me I have been there. Carrying our baggage with us can be useful to a certain extent. We carry with us in that we use it as a learning lesson to remind us of what we've been through and how we overcame it. So it's like stored away for occasional reminders. But we don't dump it all out on the table and start using it again. I've been through a mentally abusive relationship but it was never physical. But mental abuse is just as bad if even worse than physical. Because with physical, the bruising/wounds heal, but with mental abuse they stay engraved in your mind forever.

 

It's going to be hard. But trust Dan. Let him into your walls. Give him a chance to love you the way you deserve. By no means is he like your ex, and even if he was, you have already shown the strength to be able to leave that harmful situation once before. Give yourself some credit. You were able to do what a lot of women don't have the strength or power to do. Give love a chance. You deserve a chance at happiness. Don't destroy that with second-guessing your current relationship. Because if you do, you will carry that with you in all your other relationships with men. And your ex will have won. Don't let him win. Don't let him ruin it for the next man. You have escaped the worst part, now it is time to escape from your self-imposed hell. I thank God for my baggage everyday. It's because of my past experiences that I have grown and learned so much as a woman. I now know what I want and need in a man. I am totally 100% sure of what love is and is not. So I say to you.......hold on to your baggage, put in the closet and occasionally look at it as a reminder. But don't look at it too long. Because with the journey your new man is taking you on, no suitcases are allowed. Life is about taking chances. Why not chance love?

[Kat]

Ok huge 360!

 

Over the last couple of days I have found myself not "wanting/needing" to see Dan. Usually he comes over then says he has to leave and I get all upset. Leately I have been "Yeah he should go I have things to do"

 

I have told him this and that I feel scared I don't like spending time with him anymore, there must be something wrong with me.

 

He has replied with "It is called trust honey, knowing you don't need to see me but knowing we will come back to each other after a few days"

 

I hope he is right, I have never felt this "non need" before, and I am afraid this is bad!!!!

 

Someone please either reasure me or something.......

 

argh!

[quankanne]

your subconscious is finding it okay to trust the guy, and that's good. Yeah, change is scary, but Dan sounds like a good egg, someone worthy of your trust, so don't let the little demons from your past run the show. While your past life with X is going to jade your view of relationships to a degree (as any relationship with someone does, for anyone), X isn't the important one here, you and your baby and Dan are.

 

this is going to sound a bit sappy, but after sharing what you've been through with your ex, what you have with Dan seems romantic and very hopeful ...

[Kat]

I feel as if:

I am getting bored of him

He no longer excits me

We are boring together

 

 

But I know deep down this cannot be true. Specially cause it set in, in one day.

 

So this "freedom" or lack of "24/7 intrest" is normal?

 

I think that it is because I brought him a xmas present and only on the weekend found out he doesn't want it That may of caused this.

 

Argh I am so confused, damn idiot people effecting peoples lives so strongly.

 

And yes, X is out of my life. I don't let him control my life because every issue I have I tell Dan. I don't blame Dan, and I don't make it something "Dan did which triggered".

 

Last week I was imagining our Wedding (yes I know so fourth grade) and this week and I thinking "Hmm I could see Dan on Saturday, or work more...work more" Maybe because I am super broke and I need to, and I will see him Saturday afternoon too.

 

But I don't feel as if I can say to Dan "I feel as if I am getting sick of your" even in a nice way I know that is just mean and stupid specially when I don't know the real meaning behind it. I know if my b/f said that to me how upset and betrayed I would feel.

 

But yes, you are right. Dan is a wonderful man, a wonderful "father/uncle" to my daughter and the best friend I have ever had. :) I should just stop worrying ay?? God I am a goose! (that is his name for me when I go all weird like above)

[quankanne]

sounds like your brain's going into overdrive when it needs to be on cruse control for a while!

 

I think every relationship (marriage included) goes through different stages, where you don't feel like things are very exciting, but I think once you get past the strangeness of that, it's actually okay, because it enhances the good stuff (if it's a positive relationship). I think you may have moved into a "normal stage" of things with your guy, and because it's so different from what you've experienced, it seems odd or scary or both.

 

I dunno, I think that was the telling point for me with my husband: I could see myself being a little old lady to his little old man, and I felt good about that. And I realized that's when I knew he could be someone long-term in my life and it'd be all right. Dumb, yeah, but it just feels like a sure thing because I let my guard down enough to establish a sense of trust with him.

 

the Christmas gift thing? maybe he doesn't feel that you should be getting him gifts when you've got a small child to care for, that you'd be taking something away from her if you concentrated on him? Or maybe he feels more comfortable doing things for you but doesn't know how to accept when people do something nice for him?

[katy_katt]

First of all, I agree with everybody else on the board that Dan sounds like a great guy...definitely a 'keeper'.

 

But I wanted to address this feeling you are getting of not being interested in him, that you find him 'boring'. True, every relationship goes through stages like that but you are also going through a stage. I think that after what you went through with your X, these kind of feelings are normal...being with somebody who abuses you that way changes your perspectives on a lot of things, including what relationships should be. I was with somebody who abused me mentally and sometimes physically, and I can understand what you went through. The word for it is codependency; when you were with your X, you never knew what was going to happen, whether a fight would break out or what, and you took the stance of always being on edge, waiting for something to happen. Then when you met Dan, you kept that stance for some time. Now that you've passed that stage and you're becoming more aware that nothing will happen, you find it 'boring'. This is actually a key characteristic of codependency, and some codependents might even find themselves 'starting' things on their own, because they don't feel that life is interesting unless there is some kind of calamity going on in it.

 

When read your first post my initial thought was 'She needs to talk to a counsellor!' I know you have, but they didn't sound like much help, and they don't sound like very good counsellors. I still urge you to find someone that will not only listen to your story but actually provide therapy and try to help you through your feelings, instead of just telling you that you seem to handling it fine and leaving it at that.

 

If one-on-one counselling doesn't work, seek out a support group for abused women or codependents, where you can talk with others who have had similar experiences and feelings to yours, and learn how they coped with their own situation. You're not the only one that has experienced these feelings, and being able to talk to others about it helps a lot, trust me.

[Kat]

Just had my daughters 2nd birthday.

 

Dan bought Hope(daughter in picture) a tricycle for her birthday. I got to watch her face light up when she saw it, hopped on and 'drove' off, and his face light up as he watched her play.

 

I realised that this is my family. These are the people I wake up for, and the people that I fight for. Dan and I have had a rough trot, we both have features that the other just doesn't understand, but we still go on.

 

Dan told me the other day "there is two people in this relationship at last count. We gotta work together baby" and he is right. I have never been used to two. I have always been used to one and one fifth with me being the fifth.

 

I have read through this thread and basically slapped myself. Why am I so scared? Why do I do this to myself? I am a goose

 

Dan is not a perfect human, but he is the perfect half to me. We fit perfectly and become so strong when we are together it is like we are un-stoppable.

The last year and a half have been very trying on me and my daughter. Without Dan I would never of gotten through them, and I would of given up ruining my life and my daughters. Just like the last year or so has been trying to Dan yet I have been there next to him no matter what.

 

I don't know why I am telling you all this, but I ask myself, why not? All these stories of cheating, breaking up, and 'cold feet' are so disheartening. We need more stories of people making it. Sure people don't want to hear that, as everyone likes a sob story, but I believe we need to let people know that it can work out, and life can be great with someone special.

 

Dan and Hope are my life and my family. I feel silly for ever doubting my feelings for him or the path of our relationship. My heart is still scared, but not scared of being with him, but scared of waking up tomorrow and not having him there to hold or to tell him how much I love him and how he makes me proud. Nothing makes be prouder then watching him and my daughter spend time with each other, let alone laugh together.

 

We lose people through out our life, and we can't change that. I just pray that the life I have with these two is long and healthy. *fingers crosses*

 

It is amazing how much you can ramble given the chance