Avoiding R'ships to Party - right or wrong?

[LawlessGabby]

Hey, I'm a 26 year old lawyer with a penchant for partying. I didn't have many friends at school and spent most of my teens and early twenties locked up in my room studying so now I'm going wild! I'll go out from Friday to Sunday, as hard as I can.

 

I've had a few flings here and there but have never felt comfortable being in a relationship. I usually meet guys out at night when I'm looking pretty glam but then I get paranoid that if they hang out with me during the day (sober and without my fake tan) they'll reject me. So I keep things on the superficial level. After years of doing this I find that i have no interest in developing a serious r'ship with anyone. I live by myself, love my own company, and am a bit of a control freak. All of my friends are in serious r'ships and urge me to get into the dating game and stop with the pash-n-dash's before my boobs fall to the floor and I'm no longer dateable.

 

Anyway, I can't see myself giving up this carefree lifestyle to do boring things like go to dinner and the movies with a guy. I just don't enjoy doing much sober. Is this wrong, or are there others out there like this? I recently met a couple who live to party too (both are succesful in their respective careers). I wish I could find more people who were like that...

 

Do you think I'll hit 35 or so and regret wasting my youth hanging out in clubs and rejecting the nice guys, or will I still be laughing while all of my friends are filing for divorce?

[thetwiddle]

You said that you enjoy your own company and that you're comfortable with yourself. It sounds like you're using your drinking as an excuse to be superficial with people of the opposite sex.

 

In my experiences, helping people with similar issues, it sounds like you have a fear of intimacy and fear of rejection. Your drinking and your independent attitude suggest that you use it as an excuse to keep people at bay. Or it could just be that you haven't met any men that have challenged you on a metaphysical level.

 

It does really sound like you're afraid of showing people who you really are and you're becoming dependent upon the confidence that you feel when you're drinking and are less inhibited.

 

Remember though, don't take other people's advice. Other people are just sounding boards for you to make your own decision and find your own answer.

[norajane]

Most people do the party thing in their early 20's; yours is delayed a bit due to law school. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, since you clearly are not ready for a relationship.

 

You are presenting a different side yourself when you're out, so you are correct that the men who attracted to the wild side may have a hard time reconciling your more responsible side.

 

Just be careful - that you don't enjoy doing much when you are sober should be more of a concern for you right now than not wanting a relationship. Work on figuring out why that is.

[knaveman]

I have often wondered where it is written that we all need to pair up and have families in order to be happy. The only reason some of us feel guilty about being selfish and alone is that people keep telling us we need to fit into some societal norm.

 

Yeah, you could very well wake up at 35 and realize you wasted your twenties partying. Would you rather find a guy now and not be terribly happy and then realize at 35 you made an even bigger mistake? Someday you will most likely outgrow the partying and then it will be time to settle down. I did the same thing and now at 30 am sick and tired of partying and ready to settle down.

 

I live my life for me, I don't want to look back at the end and regret too much. You cannot ever make anyone else happy if you cannot make yourself happy first.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

I believe you are just trying to come up with an excuse not to involve yourself, LawlessGabby.

 

You won't fall apart, or become an uncivilized homebody if you take part in dating/relationships. Don't be paranoid or concerned about it too much, though.

 

Plain and Simple: Go out and start dating various men -without the intention of a serious relationship. Try it out for a while. Even if the relationship turns serious you can always bail out.

 

Don't fear relationships. You will learn a thing or two about life once you start to experience the joys of human companionship. Interacting with males, on a personal and romantic level, brings forth exceptional maturity, adaptation, and personal growth.

 

Sand&Water

[bridget_jones]

Choosing not to date anyone seriously is great. Lots of people are choosing not to do that, in fact lots of countries the marriage rate is going down.

 

What I'm concerned about is the partying. At age 26 and into a career...if you're partying much to the point where you're innebriated a lot, you're headed on a road to alcoholism.

I would be aware of that. Is it really fun to drink yourself to the point of being innebriated and having a headache and feeling like crap the next day?

It IS possible to have fun and be a fun person without the influence of alcohol. I have a drink about once a month. One drink. I will go to bars with friends but I don't really like alchol that much, I'll order diet coke.

I fear you're going to wake up at age 35 and say "what was I doing all this time? I don't remember, I was drunk through most of it" and be really regretful. Maybe it will take until then to go into counseling, but if I were you I would start considering if I might treatment for alcoholism now. "I just don't enjoy doing much sober." That comment should scare the hell out of you.