Would you be jealous/ insecure if he said this?

[Guest]

Ok so to start off with I kinda am the jealous type... I've been with my current boyfriend for over 3 months now. I apologize for the length but please offer you opinions and advice!!!!!!!!!

 

Before we started dating I had recently gotten out of a long term relationship. It was my choice to end it. I was over my ex and ready to start dating again. I made that very clear and advoided talking about my ex. He on the other hand, had been single for quite some time (about a year) after a nasty break up with his ex.

 

He dated his ex for about 2-3 years on and off. In the beginning of our relationship he let me know that he still sometimes talked to his ex online and asked me what I thought of that. She cheated on him after she moved away to go to school. At first I had no problem with the fact that he talked to her and appreciated the honesty. But at the time I didn't realize how long they had dated for or other details of their relationship. And oh-- He did however, mention that he would be pissed if I still talked to mine (as he continued to talk to his ex about once a month).

 

As time went on however, I found it annoying that he would bring her up at every opportunity when we were talking about the past, and would mention her by her name. I tried to avoid talking about my ex and always called him "my ex" never by his name! Also my bf had mentioned before in the beginning that he went through a deep depression after they had broken up and drank like crazy to get through it. To make it worse that was only about 6 months ago! I did not ask to know this and it kinda sucked he volunteered the info.

 

He also admitted that her moving forced them to go their seperate ways-- which I took as they never would have broken up if it weren't for that. And it kinda hurts thinking that my bf was so crazy in love! and i cant help it that it makes me jealous!

 

She called him when she was back in town to hang out too-- which was about 2 weeks after him and I had started dating. He told me right away about the phone call and that he denied her (they never hung out). Which I appreciate. But if he's so over her why the hell would he pick up her phone call?!?!?

 

AND-- a couple weeks ago we were hanging out and we were talking about this girl he casually dated right before me (only dated her a month)and how he had blocked her on messanger to avoid her. I asked him "why did you block her and not your other ex???" and he started to defend himself, saying he "seriously hated that girl (the one he didnt block)and had no feelings towards her so not to worry about it and he rarely talks to her anyways. and when they do talk its her talking to him" and also "it's different with her because she's halfway across the country" (to which I wonder why does that matter????) and how he "showed her pictures of us (me and my bf) to make her jealous" to which I pointed out-- why do you need to make her jealous?

 

And he responded that he didn't mean it like that. He wanted to show me off. Then I finally said to him, No it's not different with that girl, they are both exes! And he knew I had a good point, was flustered and said "ok I will block her!" Which i doubt he even did and am afraid to ask (this conversation by the way was a few weeks ago).

 

To me that was just weird the way he says he hates her so much, but yet still talks to her/picks up her phone call. I do not want to be seen as jealous/controlling and definitly do not want him lying to me about talking to her just to get me off his back. BUT. I can't shake the jealous feeling I get from the things he has told me... I don't want to keep bringing it up either... he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever, sees a future with me so why does this bother me?

 

would you be jealous?

[BeachBlonde]

Alright, first I will say that I understand why you are jealous. I've been in a similar situation.... My boyfriend was broken up with his ex for about a year also when I met him, they were still occasionally talking on-line and she would sometimes text him. They had a mutual break-up after she left for college. They fought all the time and decided to end it. My boyfriend would also drink a lot like yours, after they broke up, but he also had just turned 21 and she never let him drink while they were together. Anyways, long story short, it was HER always contacting him. And it started to get a little out of hand, because she was jealous that I was with him. She would text him things like "I had a dream about you last night" (she had a boyfriend at the time, and still does by the way.... great girlfriend!)...and that was where I thought she had crossed the line. In the beginning, I was fine with them occasionally talking... no big deal... that is until she started texting him inappropriate things. Their talking started to bother me, but I hid it from him (big mistake) because I didn't want to seem jealous. My boyfriend had said on several occasions that he would tell her to stop talking to him if it bothered me, since it was her making all the contact... I of course said it didn't bother me, and that I didn't want to tell him who he could be friends with. It was hard too, because he was close with her family (they went out for 4 years). -- Anyway, it eventually started to eat me away inside, and I became very jealous. When I told him how I felt, he told me that he would tell her to stop contacting him immediately- and he did. They haven't talked in almost a year now. Basically, if this situation is bothering you, YOU NEED TO TELL HIM! Otherwise, it's just going to slowly drive you nuts. Don't demand that he stop talking to her or give him an ultimatum- just explain why you feel jealous and that his talking with her bothers you. If he doesn't stop though, or gets defensive- that's a red flag. You may feel jealous by telling him that their talking bothers you, but if it doesn't stop, it's going to keep bothering you! I used to talk about their relationship all the time and analyze it to death and ask him questions about their relationship... when he didn't even bring her up! I probably sounded crazy and it probably drove him crazy... actually I know it did... lol.... but I was basically beating around the bush when I did that instead of coming out and saying "It really bothers me when you still talk to her and I would appreciate it if you'd stop, because it hurts me." Now that they have stopped talking, I don't spend my time analyzing their PAST relationship... I think of my GREAT relationship that I have with MY boyfriend.

 

 

How old are you two? Is this gf his first love? It's understandable that he was hurt after his first love... but just because he was miserable when they broke up doesn't mean he's still in love with her now. He's with YOU now. I don't think it's fair though that he told you he would be pissed if you were still talking to his ex-- then again, you told him in the beginning it didn't bother you that he was still talking to his, which is why it's so important for you to let him know now how you feel.

 

You said he talks about her all the time---what kind of things does he say? Because if he keeps talking about how she screwed him over and hurt him, or talks bad about her all the time, that COULD also be a sign that he's not over her yet.

 

Sorry I couldn't give better advice, but I definitely know how you feel....But you really need to talk to him and let him know how you're feeling now...Good luck!

[Guest]

BeachBlonde:

Thanks for your awesome reply! That's insane how similar our situations are!

 

Ok, so you mentioned your bf's ex had a bf at the same time while texting him. Mine too... which bothers me also because it's obvious she wants him back!!!!! AND-This is also bothering me too-- My bf, the last time he mentioned his ex (about a month ago maybe?) said she had moved into a ****ty apt. with her new boyfriend and dropped out of school. He said she said to him "My bf and I have been together for 6 months and are SO happy!" (it's obvious they try to make each other jealous--wtf?) and he said that was such a stupid statement because you can't put a # on happiness.

 

ANYWAYS-- Recently I was being snoopy, I had asked to see a picture of her from another website and he showed me (shes ok looking-- I know I am cuter but it bothered me because when he showed the pic I was like"oh. she's cute" and he said (get this) "it's not a very good picture of her" I wantde to vomit) And I also know her name now, sobeing a snoop I found her on Myspace. I was disappointed to see that she was single??? And there were no comments about a recent breakup or anything. I wonder if he was lying to me to make me feel better and now I want to bring that up to see if he knew she had a Myspace (he recently made one of his own, strange). However, again I do not want to come off as a freak for being so obsessed over it, and also if he doesn't know she has one I don't want him to go & look at it! But what gives with that? A month ago she was in a serious relationship, now she's single? Hmm..

 

btw BeachBlonde, I am 20 and he is 22.

 

And actually, you're right at first I told him I was kinda "whatever" about the whole talking to the ex thing, but as our relationship progressed and we grew closer, I found I got jealous about it and told him MULTIPLE times that it bothered me. And he did nothing. In fact, I think one time I even used the words "it drives me up a f*cking wall that you still talk to your ex" and yet he still continued to talk to her? After he admitted he would be really pissed if I talked with mine. I'm not sure if he still talks to her behind my back after the last time I confronted him-- he said he would block her but it was kinda like a desperate thing like "ALRIGHT! i'll block her jeez" you know? So who knows if he actually did.

 

Also beachblonde--he really does not talk about her anymore since the last time I kinda got my point across to him and now that we are closer in our own relationship. Which is a good thing

 

I recently asked him if he still had her phone number too, to which he replied "No, I deleted that a long time ago! Why are you so worried about her?" and I just dropped it after that.

 

My biggest fear is just coming off as jealous or controlling, and him hiding things from me, even little insignificant things since he "knows I would get mad" you know? I don't want to be one of those gf's.

 

I think I might casually ask him sometime soon if he's talked to his ex lately. I think it would catch him off guard and it would probably be obvious if he has or if he's lying.

 

more help please!

[BeachBlonde]

Yup.. they are very similar... my bf even had a gf for about a month after he broke up with his ex, too, before he met me. The ages are similar too... I met my boyfriend when he was almost 22 and I was 19.

 

 

She may not want him back... afterall, they did break up for a reason. It sounds more like she's the controlling/jealous type and is probably upset that he has a girlfriend now and is giving all his attention to YOU. At least that's how my bf's ex was. She didn't really want him back, she just hated that he found someone that he was happy with. I'm curious, though-- when you say that he's telling you this stuff about her, such as that she moved into an apt with her bf, is he just mentioning it himself? Or are you bringing his ex up and that's what causes him to talk about her?

 

And on the thing with the myspace, I know it's hard but DON'T look at her myspace!! I did the SAME exact thing, but only because she was one of my bf's "friends" on his page. It will just make you feel obsessive and miserable and make you think about her even more when you're around him.

 

I don't think you can actually KNOW if he doesn't talk to her anymore....you just have to trust him. My boyfriend never hid his phone or anything when she would occasionally text him, and when she did, he would just roll his eyes at me and say "It's her" and then usually just not reply. I have never looked through his phone and I never will, but I trust him that he's not talking to her.

 

The best advice I can give you is to work on your present relationship and not let this ex bother you. It seems like your boyfriend does care about you a lot, but if you continue to mention his ex it's just going to drive him away. THEY broke up for a reason and you have to remember that it's YOU he's with now. But if he mentions his ex again without you bringing her up, I would give him a dose of his own medicine and say something about your ex (casually of course, not anything like 'my ex was better in bed than you' LOL )

 

I don't think you should ask him if he's talked to his ex recently. He has told you that he deleted her phone number. I know that it's hard to not still wonder, but it's going to destroy your otherwise good relationship if you play detective all the time! Trust me, I was very paranoid through the first few months of our relationship, and when I learned to just relax and trust him, and not dwell on HIS past, our present and future together seemed 100 times better. Don't let his past ruin your relationship!

 

Good luck and keep me updated, I definitely know how you feel.

[Guest]

BeachBlonde,

 

scary how similar our situations are! haha

 

Funny you say your bf's ex gf was the controlling/jealous type-- now that you say that I think you are right. My bf's ex gf did, afterall, cheat on him! He has mentioned before she was the type to check his phone, etc. and he has also said to me before when she talks to him he takes it as a "Hi, I'm jealous and want to know how you are your beautiful gf are doing" type thing. Soo I could see that.

 

Your right about the Myspace thing, soooo bad! I made a vow to myself NOT to look at it because you're right, when I do I think about her when I'm around him way too much and picture what their relationship must have been like-- and then realize it's so stupid because that girl is not even a thought in his mind!

 

Also you are right I just need to trust him. And I really do! I know she is no threat, but I have this little jealous feeling I can't shake... I'll get over it though!

 

And yeah, my ex boyfriend was soooo annoying. I had been with 2 guys prior to him and we dated for over a year, I seriously never heard the end of the fact that I had been with guys before him when they meant nothing! And you're right it did eventually push me away. I definitly do NOT want to do that!

 

And when he brings her up it's just kinda random stuff. Like for example-- we have a mutual friend and he was like "she didnt tell you to break up with me did she?" and i was like "no why?" and he was like "oh cause she told my ex gf to haha. but that worked out for us" and some other random things like that-- but mostly it bothered me how he VOLUNTEERED the information about his depression about her, he talked about what she did to him (cheatin etc) in detail, and it just really bothered me for some reason.

 

But anyways-- no more thinking of her! haha like you said, I'm not going to let HIS past ruin OUR future!!

 

Thanks for the great advice again!