Can't control my feelings!!

[wifeofd]

I'm new here and need advice or to know if anyone else has gone through anything like this. It's a very long story, so please bear with me and IT'S ALL TRUE (I swear). I am a 34 year old woman, sixteen years ago, when I was eighteen I met my first love. It was VERY intense as most first loves are, I loved this man with all of my heart and he loved me. Our relationship was wonderful, but he was a very self-destructive person at the time, and could not stay out of trouble. It might be hard to believe that someone who gets into trouble with the law could be a good boyfriend, but believe me, he loved me and was wonderful to me. After we had been together for a year he got himself into big trouble and went to prison.

 

At first I vowed to wait for him (three years) but I was very young and had just started college and got my first job. We wrote each other regularly and I visited him once in prison, and he seemed to be changing (naturally). After a couple of months I decided that I could not waste my life waiting for this man and I broke it off, it hurt me terribly and I cried for about a week. I knew the only way to forget about him was to burn everything that reminded me of him and have NO more contact with him whatsoever, of course my family and friends encouraged me to do just that. And that's exactly what I did. I began to date other guys casually, but I was desperate for the feelings that I once had with my first love, and no one else could measure up in my eyes. Eventually, I met someone that I thought reminded me of him, remember I was very young, and basically this guy was just a criminal. We dated and had fun for a while, at 19 I became pregnant and let my new boyfriend and his mother "guilt" me into having the baby. I liked my new boyfriend, but never felt that I was "in love" with him. In my very young mind I decided to have the baby and just transfer all of the love that I felt for my first love onto my new boyfriend (what was I thinking?).

 

Well, during my pregnancy my new boyfriend started to show his true colors and became very abusive verbally and ocassionally physically, it was too late to do anything about the pregnancy, I was afraid to be alone and pregnant and my self-esteem was in the gutter . This relationship when on and off for several years, we never married, but lived together and had another child. My new boyfriend was horrible to me, but I had put myself in a desperate situation trying to keep my "family" together. During one of our breakups my first love returned home from prison a "new man". We became "just friends" but all of the old feelings came back, he felt the same way but was very hurt that I had left him and had two children by another man who treated me so badly. We remained "friends only",he began getting his life together and dating other women, but he would always call me to talk when he needed to (when his father died, etc.). Eventually he married another girl, but he would still confide in me instead of in her, we remained platonic friends. After six years of our on-again, off-again relationship my boyfriends lifestyle caught up with him and he was tragically killed. Though I don't believe that I ever loved him, we had history and two children together and I was devestated. My ex was there for me, like always, but he was still married and now had a child of his own and one on the way. To recover, I moved out of my home state and started over with my kids. I finally got myself together and met someone new, we were friends at first and I did not consider him to be "my type" (he worked and didn't get into trouble :-) but eventually a very mature love developed and we got married and moved across the country to his home state. I lost all contact with my first love for ten years, and it no longer bothered me because my husband is wonderful and truly the mature love of my life.

 

Well, here it goes, I have truly been happily married for the past nine years and though my first love occasionally crosses my mind, I didn't think twice about it and have NEVER even considered cheating on my husband, EVER..... A few weeks ago my first love contacted me (after ten years), he is divorced now and let me know how he still feels for me, he just wanted to know if I was happy, but didn't want to cause any problems in my marriage. I told him that I was, and agreed that my husband would probably not appreciate us communicating. NOW, I can't stop thinking about my first love and I am torn. This man lives 2,500 miles away and I have not told my truly wonderful husband about our contact. Because of my committment to my husband I will not contact my first love again, but I think about him constantly and "what if's". I truly love my husband, and I know that what I am missing is the "thrill" of first love but I can't stop my feelings. Any advice?

[Debster]

with your husband and thank god that you found someone who treats you well and who you love.

 

Sounds to me like you're missing the excitement and passion of a new love - so start doing things you do in a new relationship - but with your husband.

[wifeod]

Thanks Debster. I know, you're right and I do thank God for my wonderful husband. That's why I feel so guilty for my feelings. I just don't know how to forget about my first now that those old feelings have been stirred up again. I am hoping that they will just go away eventually.

[CityGyrl]

I think your feelings are truly natural. You have what I call the "woulda coulda shoulda" syndrome. You are thinking of the what was. But now you have a family. As hard as it might be, it is time to live in the present and for the future. I think the effort put into thinking about the past could be put to good use in your family life now. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. Focus your energies into building up your marriage. We all wish that we could go back in time and change the course of history. But we often forget about the wonderful things we have right now. Whose to say if your life would be a lot happier with the first love? You probably will never know. But it's important that we deal with the present and the future because that's where it really counts.

[mighty bop]

Don't leave your husband for an ex-con.

[pinkroses]

I'm very happy for you that you found someone who loves you and is a good husband and father. Hang on to him. You're right to avoid contact with your past love because what you have now is too precious to risk. Just try to ride out the feelings and thoughts hearing from your old love has stirred up in you. And don't feel guilty, everyone remembers his/her first love and sometimes no one else ever causes us to feel those same feelings. That's okay, we can always keep a special place in our hearts for that special someone. As the days, weeks and months pass, his memory and the temptation to see him will fade. Cherish the love you have.