I can't handle this!

[@ngel]

I posted a brief version of my problem at the beginning of July because it was my 1st time on the board. I got a couple of responses that were helpful, but I've decided to repost my situation in more detail in order to get some more feedback & some HELP!

 

I thought I had found my true love about 3 yrs ago (let's call him "D"). We met in Apr. 95 through a mutual acquaintance & it was love at first sight. I was with someone at the time (let's call him "B") & our relationship broke up in Jun. 95 because we had conflicting career goals & B joined the Navy. Anyway, after getting to know D we started seeing each other after my relationship with B ended. D & I were soon deeply in love. We moved in together in Jul. 96. We had our little "moving-in & getting to used to each other" type of arguements while adjusting, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was blissfully happy & I thought D felt the same way. He told me he did. He gave me a promise ring & we had a very loving relationship.

 

In May 97 he contacted his ex-girlfriend that he had not been with for 4 years. His band was performing at a club & he decided to invite her out of nowhere. She showed up & he spent the whole night talking to her while I was there. He invited her over to see our apt. & visit with us (he knew I strongly objected to the idea but I agreed only to show I trusted him & was not jealous). They then went out to play pool together one night without me. I knew something was going on but when I confronted him he denied it & said they were just friends. Within a week of their initial reunion, he came to me on a Monday night telling me that he wanted to end the relationship. Of course I was devastated. He assured me countless times that it had nothing to do with his ex. He told me he still loved me & wanted to stay friends. He was very sad to end it but said he had to because he was unahappy with himself & who he was.

 

He soon moved to Toronto to live with his father & got a new job working for him. We still stayed in contact by email, etc. In March 98 I found out through a mutual friend that he had been going out with his ex for months. Since then we have not had any contact. In May 98 I found out that she was moving to Toronto to live with him & buy a house with him. In July 98 I found out that they are engaged to be married next Aug.

 

Meanwhile, after our breakup I stayed single for about 9 months in order to heal. I started seeing a married man in Nov.97 & the relationship ended in Jan. 98. I also went through a period of one-night stands/casual sex which lasted from about Feb. to Apr. I am now currently seeing a very nice guy I met in Jan.98 through my sister. The problem is, the relationship has been very on&off, mainly due to my emotional problems relating to my breakup with D. He is being very patient with me but I'm worried that I may be with him only because I fear being alone. I enjoy his company but I'm scared to get close. I do not know how I am ever going to trust anyone after this experience with D.

 

Everytime I hear news about D & his fiancee it crushes me. I cannot get over him. I have seen a therapist about this a few times but now financial constraints prevent me from continuing right now. D is often in my thoughts all the time to the point that I have difficulty concentrating on my work & my life. My friends & family are fed up with me talking about it & I feel like nobody understands how I feel. I should be moving on with my life & not letting this consume me but I feel like it's a constant struggle.

 

I know for a fact that when D was with his fiancee the first time (they went out for 2 years but they're childhood friends) that he cheated on her & had a one-night stand with a girl he met in a bar. He has not told her about it (as far as I know). Even though it would be totally wrong, I feel like telling her. I know that most people will warn me & say that it's not worth the effort & that it's bad karma, but I can't help thinking about it. I feel like doing whatever I can to sabotage their happiness, even though I know that it won't bring him back to me. People tell me that if it's meant to be for them then it's meant to be & that if it's not then things have a way of working themselves out.

 

If anyone has any advice or thoughts on this I'd really appreciate the help.

[WildFire]

Hi,

 

Can't say I know what your going though...cuz only u know that...but right now, with the exception of one few weeks fling thing that didn't work cuz of me and emotional probs..i havn't dated a guy for 7 months.

 

I've gone through long pirods of lonlyness..folowed by days where i'd be the happiest gal on earth if and ol' joe blow whould just be my bf...but course that kinda dumb...cuz it wouldn't work out...

 

I'm finding, sofar anyways, with the help of many friends, both guy and gal, it's best to remain single until you can figure out who you are and until you're confident enough to hold your own with or with out a guy...I'm only human too...there are guy friends that i've had for 2 or more years and with one of them I want to be his gf more than anything...but he knows me well enough to know I can't handle a relationship right now...

 

where i'm headed with this is that if you meet a guy who will honestly be a friend and nothing else for the time beeing...then a friendship is often the best relationship and the basis of something more in the future if that's how things turn out...

 

anyways..that's all i have for now...e-mail me personally if u need, or want to chat more..c u!

 

WildFire

I posted a brief version of my problem at the beginning of July because it was my 1st time on the board. I got a couple of responses that were helpful, but I've decided to repost my situation in more detail in order to get some more feedback & some HELP!

 

I thought I had found my true love about 3 yrs ago (let's call him "D"). We met in Apr. 95 through a mutual acquaintance & it was love at first sight. I was with someone at the time (let's call him "B") & our relationship broke up in Jun. 95 because we had conflicting career goals & B joined the Navy. Anyway, after getting to know D we started seeing each other after my relationship with B ended. D & I were soon deeply in love. We moved in together in Jul. 96. We had our little "moving-in & getting to used to each other" type of arguements while adjusting, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was blissfully happy & I thought D felt the same way. He told me he did. He gave me a promise ring & we had a very loving relationship. In May 97 he contacted his ex-girlfriend that he had not been with for 4 years. His band was performing at a club & he decided to invite her out of nowhere. She showed up & he spent the whole night talking to her while I was there. He invited her over to see our apt. & visit with us (he knew I strongly objected to the idea but I agreed only to show I trusted him & was not jealous). They then went out to play pool together one night without me. I knew something was going on but when I confronted him he denied it & said they were just friends. Within a week of their initial reunion, he came to me on a Monday night telling me that he wanted to end the relationship. Of course I was devastated. He assured me countless times that it had nothing to do with his ex. He told me he still loved me & wanted to stay friends. He was very sad to end it but said he had to because he was unahappy with himself & who he was. He soon moved to Toronto to live with his father & got a new job working for him. We still stayed in contact by email, etc. In March 98 I found out through a mutual friend that he had been going out with his ex for months. Since then we have not had any contact. In May 98 I found out that she was moving to Toronto to live with him & buy a house with him. In July 98 I found out that they are engaged to be married next Aug. Meanwhile, after our breakup I stayed single for about 9 months in order to heal. I started seeing a married man in Nov.97 & the relationship ended in Jan. 98. I also went through a period of one-night stands/casual sex which lasted from about Feb. to Apr. I am now currently seeing a very nice guy I met in Jan.98 through my sister. The problem is, the relationship has been very on&off, mainly due to my emotional problems relating to my breakup with D. He is being very patient with me but I'm worried that I may be with him only because I fear being alone. I enjoy his company but I'm scared to get close. I do not know how I am ever going to trust anyone after this experience with D. Everytime I hear news about D & his fiancee it crushes me. I cannot get over him. I have seen a therapist about this a few times but now financial constraints prevent me from continuing right now. D is often in my thoughts all the time to the point that I have difficulty concentrating on my work & my life. My friends & family are fed up with me talking about it & I feel like nobody understands how I feel. I should be moving on with my life & not letting this consume me but I feel like it's a constant struggle. I know for a fact that when D was with his fiancee the first time (they went out for 2 years but they're childhood friends) that he cheated on her & had a one-night stand with a girl he met in a bar. He has not told her about it (as far as I know). Even though it would be totally wrong, I feel like telling her. I know that most people will warn me & say that it's not worth the effort & that it's bad karma, but I can't help thinking about it. I feel like doing whatever I can to sabotage their happiness, even though I know that it won't bring him back to me. People tell me that if it's meant to be for them then it's meant to be & that if it's not then things have a way of working themselves out.

 

If anyone has any advice or thoughts on this I'd really appreciate the help.