jealousy

[Lisa]

Hey there! Anyone have any advice on jealousy? About a year and a half ago my husband left me, after cheating on me many times, (i was only able to prove two of them). I was with him for five years, and at first put all of my trust in him. Well, now i have a great guy in my life. He's very honest, spends a lot of time with me, and in the year we've been together i can't think of even one thing he's done to not deserve my trust. But after five years of being in a relationship full of lies and cheating it's really hard for me to let it go. My current boyfriend has kept in touch with a few of his ex's. I know they're just friends, but i can't help being incredibly jealous when they call or come around. He even TELLS me when they call, so that i won't think he's trying to hide anything from me. Or when one of his old buddy's comes back in town, i'm afraid he'll start missing the "single life", even though he says he's happy with me, I still just can't help feeling like he's going to cheat on me, or leave me. i've gotten myself into such a negative pattern of thinking, i just expect the worst to happen to me. I really want to trust him, and be secure with myself and the relationship, and i'm afraid if i don't do something about my jealousy soon, i'm going to push him away. I know i need to just relax and think positve, but no matter what i think, i still get this knot in my stomache that i can't seem to get rid of.

[Cris]

Hey Lisa,

 

I have the same problem. I broke up with my ex 2 years ago and just this Thanksgiving I'm engaged to be married with my best friend. He's great but he has quite a past. I love the fact that he shares everything with me about his very busy past but sometimes I do have thoughts of him cheating on me. I think it's only natural. If you had someone who cheated on you in the past that fear is always there to some degree. I constanly talk to him and ask him what types of things make him happy and I do what I can to make him happy. Of course it has to go both ways. If he's really truly happy he should have no reason to ever want to cheat on you. That's what I hope any way. I wish I had a better answer for you. If you find another way to help your negative thoughts please post it on this website, I'd like to see it.

 

Good luck, Cris :]

Hey there! Anyone have any advice on jealousy? About a year and a half ago my husband left me, after cheating on me many times, (i was only able to prove two of them). I was with him for five years, and at first put all of my trust in him. Well, now i have a great guy in my life. He's very honest, spends a lot of time with me, and in the year we've been together i can't think of even one thing he's done to not deserve my trust. But after five years of being in a relationship full of lies and cheating it's really hard for me to let it go. My current boyfriend has kept in touch with a few of his ex's. I know they're just friends, but i can't help being incredibly jealous when they call or come around. He even TELLS me when they call, so that i won't think he's trying to hide anything from me. Or when one of his old buddy's comes back in town, i'm afraid he'll start missing the "single life", even though he says he's happy with me, I still just can't help feeling like he's going to cheat on me, or leave me. i've gotten myself into such a negative pattern of thinking, i just expect the worst to happen to me. I really want to trust him, and be secure with myself and the relationship, and i'm afraid if i don't do something about my jealousy soon, i'm going to push him away. I know i need to just relax and think positve, but no matter what i think, i still get this knot in my stomache that i can't seem to get rid of.

[aleshm]

Dear Lisa,

 

I've been there, done that, etc.

 

To cut it short, because I see that you know already yourself, that you need to stop thinking negative, no matter how hard it is, I won't say it again (like I just didn't).

 

Let it go Lisa, let go of the "bad" past, focus on the future. From what you wrote he is very honest with you, he tells you about the calls, etc. Something I think every women should deserve.

 

Myself I had a really bad relationship about 5-6 years ago and after going into a new one, which is still going and going at the moment (a month less then 3 years), I started "panicinc" after 1 month, with "she's gonna dump me now", etc. After a talk with a friend, he calmed me down and now we're "going for 3 years".

 

I don't know if I actually answered you anything but I hope it helps you in any way.

 

Best wishes,

 

aleshm

 

Hey there! Anyone have any advice on jealousy? About a year and a half ago my husband left me, after cheating on me many times, (i was only able to prove two of them). I was with him for five years, and at first put all of my trust in him. Well, now i have a great guy in my life. He's very honest, spends a lot of time with me, and in the year we've been together i can't think of even one thing he's done to not deserve my trust. But after five years of being in a relationship full of lies and cheating it's really hard for me to let it go. My current boyfriend has kept in touch with a few of his ex's. I know they're just friends, but i can't help being incredibly jealous when they call or come around. He even TELLS me when they call, so that i won't think he's trying to hide anything from me. Or when one of his old buddy's comes back in town, i'm afraid he'll start missing the "single life", even though he says he's happy with me, I still just can't help feeling like he's going to cheat on me, or leave me. i've gotten myself into such a negative pattern of thinking, i just expect the worst to happen to me. I really want to trust him, and be secure with myself and the relationship, and i'm afraid if i don't do something about my jealousy soon, i'm going to push him away. I know i need to just relax and think positve, but no matter what i think, i still get this knot in my stomache that i can't seem to get rid of.

[vanetta]

i too know how it feels to be jealous. you could be having a wonderful day and in one instant you boyfriend could just take a glance at another woman and you suddenly are hurt and have tons of knots in your stomach..i ask myself why can't i just be normal and not feel these crazy feelings? i get jealous when he want's to watch a porno, i start thinking am i not good enough? if you get cheated on once you think it will happen again and again, but not everyone cheats. i have to tell my self that every single day. some days are better than others and some are the worst.......................

[Sonya]

Speaking from a woman's point of view, I have a few words for you. I (like your girlfriend) have a great deal of male friends. Actually, all my close friends happen to be male and nearly all of them have had some kind of romantic intention towards me at one point or another. The fact is though, they are all just friends. Nobody knows, including your girlfriend, why this happens to be the case with some people. I am sure she resents your jealousy towards her ex's because it makes her feel like you don't trust her. I am speaking from experience. My boyfriend and I have come to an agreement, maybe this will work with you two.

 

1. If I am "going out" with another man that he doesn't know and he's not going to know about, then I shouldn't tell him that we are/did "go out." No, this is not a breach of trust, your girlfriend is not obligated to tell you anything about her social life, especially something as harmless as going Christmas shopping (probably for you anyway)

 

2. If I am going out with someone he knows or to a place where he is going to find out, I should tell him so he won't worry that I am hiding something from him.

 

He is limited to ask only minimal questions like the name and where I am going, as he would badger me relentlessly about minor details. I on the other hand, try to give him as much information as possible about the "date" (e.g. I'm going to his house to watch Sleepless in Seattle BUT I babysit his kids and his wife is my mom's best friend)

 

3. The last "rule" is that he can't and I can't use words like date, going out, and together; instead we learned to use words like an "obligation," a "meeting," an "outing" or "to run a few errands."

 

I also can't go to places that we together frequent, like sunsets at the beach or our favorite restraunt. Dinner dates are a no go, but lunch is okay. Parties without the boyfriend are cool as long as I am going with a group and not just one person.

 

I know it sounds kind of dumb that we have to have all these rules, but my boyfriend (like you I assume) gets insanely jealous (which isn't his fault, nor yours)but I refuse to let him ruin my social life. It is necessary to come up with some kind of compromise so that it doesn't drive you two apart. Good Luck!

 

With all respect,

 

Sonya L. Powers

Hello again -- I first want to thank all of you who responded to my previous post -- it was very helpful. This is a continuation, so if you want to know what I'm talking about, read "Too Many EXes in her life..." below. We talked about it and I felt relieved -- like I could trust her. I also made the choice to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue on with our relationship (although I didn't express to her that I was considering not doing so); BUT, two nights ago I was talking to her on the phone and she casually informed me that her and her ex (who she now calls her friend) were out Christmas shopping with one of his friends. I immediately felt jealous, even though I know nothing happened.

 

What I want to know -- is this healthy, and is my jealousy normal? The thought of her making the effort to keep male friends gets to me because I don't put that same effort into maintaining contact with ex girlfriends, even though some of them WERE good friends at one time. I'm trying to understand that this friendship means something to her and I don't want to become the jealous boyfriend. However, if this is going to be an ongoing thing, I wonder if I'll stick around to deal with it. Any input of your experience with dealing with jealousy would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

[michael]

HEy bud,,I see you are still coping,and at least you have some optimism.Thats a good thing.The first thing is this.Far be it from me to say that every woman who has a guy friend is screwing him but,and old boyfriend is waaaay different.Maybe they could still be friends as in "civil" to each other.However,an ex stays in the past,not a continuing relationship to go shopping or the movies or out for a bite to eat.Thats called dating! I would feel so uncomfortable and really like I manipulating Jerk if I was hanging around with ex girlfriends,,,while involved with someone new.Just like it would make me feel jealoud and hurt if my girlfriend was chumming around with her ex's.If you want my Honest Opinion,,I think she wants to have her cake and eat it to.Without sounding to paranoid here,or starting something I shouldnt,,the hell with it!,,us men gotta stick together,,She may need you for security,love and companionship,,and goes to the ex for other reasons.Sex? A wild side? What else? Who knows but,there is something in him that she is looking for.And it isnt fair to you.NO,you are not wrong to be jealous.In this situation,I think you have reasonable grounds to be.It is a natural and NORMAL feeling,fueled by her.I would tell her(if it was me,,and it once was!),that you feel upset by her behavior,and that her x's belong in the past.Or you could try the old fashioned,boy-meets-girl remedy,,start hanging around with one of your ex's or even just a female companion,,then she what she thinks.If she has less than admirable intentions,she'll probably accuse you of cheating and tell you to stop! Who knows,but you have to do SOMETHING SOON before you get in even deeper and make an ass out of yourself.I always gave the benefit of the doubt.I can never take back all those times of turning my back and pretending nothing happened.Dont be like me!!! Let me know.Your friend in MANHOOD,,,

 

MIKE

Hello again -- I first want to thank all of you who responded to my previous post -- it was very helpful. This is a continuation, so if you want to know what I'm talking about, read "Too Many EXes in her life..." below. We talked about it and I felt relieved -- like I could trust her. I also made the choice to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue on with our relationship (although I didn't express to her that I was considering not doing so); BUT, two nights ago I was talking to her on the phone and she casually informed me that her and her ex (who she now calls her friend) were out Christmas shopping with one of his friends. I immediately felt jealous, even though I know nothing happened.

 

What I want to know -- is this healthy, and is my jealousy normal? The thought of her making the effort to keep male friends gets to me because I don't put that same effort into maintaining contact with ex girlfriends, even though some of them WERE good friends at one time. I'm trying to understand that this friendship means something to her and I don't want to become the jealous boyfriend. However, if this is going to be an ongoing thing, I wonder if I'll stick around to deal with it. Any input of your experience with dealing with jealousy would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

[Tigerlily]

Hello again -- I first want to thank all of you who responded to my previous post -- it was very helpful. This is a continuation, so if you want to know what I'm talking about, read "Too Many EXes in her life..." below. We talked about it and I felt relieved -- like I could trust her. I also made the choice to give her the benefit of the doubt and continue on with our relationship (although I didn't express to her that I was considering not doing so); BUT, two nights ago I was talking to her on the phone and she casually informed me that her and her ex (who she now calls her friend) were out Christmas shopping with one of his friends. I immediately felt jealous, even though I know nothing happened.

 

What I want to know -- is this healthy, and is my jealousy normal? The thought of her making the effort to keep male friends gets to me because I don't put that same effort into maintaining contact with ex girlfriends, even though some of them WERE good friends at one time. I'm trying to understand that this friendship means something to her and I don't want to become the jealous boyfriend. However, if this is going to be an ongoing thing, I wonder if I'll stick around to deal with it. Any input of your experience with dealing with jealousy would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

Personally, I think that it's all good and well to profess that when in an intimate relationship, as long as there is understanding, having friends of the opposite sex should not be perceived as a threat. And, if either person does feel threatened, they don't trust enough, trust is the most important thing, communication is the key, blah, blah, blah. I apologise for my suspicion and my cynicism, but I just don't buy it I'm afraid. I am more of the "When Harry Met Sally" train of thought. I think it's lovely in theory (to be able to have friends of both sexes and not feel concerned by this), but I think it is the very rare couple that can successfully put this into practise. I say this because I believe there are very few people who don't experience jealousy, and the ones that say they are never jealous, well, I'd like to put them to the test and see. I think you have every right to feel jealous of her association with her ex-boyfriends. I don't think it's a cool or respectful thing for her to do to you at all. I wonder why she feels the need to continue relationships with these guys on any terms at all actually, when I truly believe, that once a romantic relationship has ended, it should be finally put to bed, so to speak. And I am genuinely sorry if I offend anyone here, (I am only expressing my opinion, okay?), but I find women that have mostly male friends...a little, well, odd quite frankly. I somehow think it suggests some insecurity on the woman's behalf. When a woman surrounds herself with men, let's face it, she is often the centre of attention and she also does not run the risk of any other female competition. And I am a woman, I know how we think, and women are very competitive with each other. We are also often each other's most unkind critics in the looks department; amongst other things. It's all very nasty, unnecessary, hurtful business. So "Hopeless", which you should stop calling yourself by the way, because you're not; you're human... I wonder how your girlfriend would really feel if you began surrounding yourself with other women, ex-girlfriends, etc. No matter how supposedly "innocent" the meetings, I bet she would not like it. If I were you, I'd talk with her about this and I'm serious, worse case scenario, I'd have to give my partner (if I was in your shoes) an ultimatum. "It's them or me babe..". All the best.