Broke up a year ago; I'm moving; Thinking about crap; would APPRECIATE insight :)

[maybemaybe]

Oh geez, I can't even believe I'm writing this because it's sort of admitting that this is even in my head. OK, well, I'll give the backstory of the breakup and then my current situation, which isn't even that exciting, but I would love if someone could listen, help, advise, or even, relate. I appreciate it a great deal ! !

 

So, my boyfriend and I broke up a year ago. It was pretty awful at the time, and here's how it all went down. We had been together a year, and it was undoubtedly the best relationship I'd ever been it. I am pretty sure this is would be true for him as well (only because I really don't know what he would say now?) I am 23 now, and am not someone who always has to be in a relationship, and in fact, am quite the oppposite. I'm independent and I don't get seriously involved unless I feel a pretty amazing connection...I just can't fake that sort of stuff so I don't really bother otherwise. We had so much in common, and the same crazy weird sense of humor, and even though I was 21 going on 22 when I met him, I really felt like I'd met my match and I was pretty excited about that. And it wasn't because I loved him, or he because he loved me, it was because I felt like we really complemented each other in a great, unique way, and maybe I was getting, maybe, to the point / age where I could begin to appreciate that sort of rarity. We always said we were the loves of each other's lives, and I know people say it, but I really meant it.

 

Things continued to go really well until the last couple of months. I could tell something was weird, wasn't right, but he just kept saying everything was fine. This turned into a lot of late night phone conversations that went nowhere and caused stress for both of us. Looking back, I would have handled this part differently, more rationally...ie, there was no need to be on the phone for 3 hours all the time, but I'd never loved someone like this.

 

Then one day, it a day of complete non-sensical crap, he got really angry at me for no reason (in fact, I was trying to be nice), and it just exploded into him being a jerk, which wasn't like him, and he said he was all confused later. So finally a few days later I decided we should take a break, and those weeks were awful, hellish, and then a couple of weeks later he decided we should just break up. He reasoned he couldn't handle anything, didn't even understand himself, couldn't certainly be in a relationship, and if anything, wanted to fix himself so we could work out. It wasn't a normal breakup, really, since we acted like a couple the entire time / day we broke up. I could understand that he didn't have stuff as much together...I was graduating college with honors soon, he didn't maybe have as clear a path, but I didn't give a crap, but maybe he just felt too not together.

 

I was graduating college in a 2 months, but we still had one class together at school (he was a year or so younger than me, something that I think worked against me in the end), and so having class together worked OK, but looking back was pretty stressful. Being forced to see each other was not good, and resulted usually in hourlong conversations where I ended up all emotional because his "we'll get back together" , "we won't, "i don't know", his opinions and answers always changed and I felt like I was being dangled by a string. He also had said some things during this time that really worried me, like he didn't want to live in this world, he wished he could live completely alone -- just really ****ed up, stuff that sounded pretty foreign to me in terms of my own emotions...i mean, i get upset, but I never felt like I wanted to "live completely alone" and all of that ****. I figured maybe he was depressed, something along those lines, and thought this made perfect sense with the break-up too. I tried to talk to him about it, and I remember one time talking about how maybe it was depression, and how it takes a really awesome person to want to do something about it, how he wouldn't have something like this affect him if he couldn't handle it, and I remember he cried and admitted maybe he was experiencing something like this. During another tearful convo (on my part) he said he would go talk to someone if I wanted, but that ended up being one of our last conversations. On my last day at college, he was extremely rude, so i just left. We didn't talk much, I graduated, and then I called him a few weeks later, in which he proceeded to say the rudest, most cruelest thing I've ever been told, so I proceeded to leave him a voicemail back saying that we could never talk again, that i didn't deserve to be treated like this, bla bla. And we didn't talk, aside from dumb online conversations, for a really long time. His friend were pretty bummed we broke up, they all said they'd never seen him happier than when he met me, then when he was with me, that my ex would say he wouldn't find anyone better and all of that crap. And I got along so well with all of friends...I'm a pretty down for anything chick. I can get along with anyone, I have my own life going on always, and don't really have time for jealousy / crap / highschool bull****.

 

So even though I felt more let down that I ever had before,I had to do my best to be normal. So I dated other people, had two "boyfriends" in the last year, though they weren't too serious. My last one only lasted a few months (both of these small relationships ended by me), but it was the closest I felt since to having something somewhat real. I felt a real connection for a while, not the same as before, but it was something. I certainly wasn't in love, but I liked him enough to go away with him for the weekend and stuff. In the end, that didn't work out because I felt like he had some crap to deal with and it maybe wasn't the best match.

 

Around a few months ago, around xmas, when I was still dating the last guy, I obviously felt cool about everything, over that whole ex-boyfriend thing because it had been so long, and so I decided to call my ex. (So mind you, I hadn't seen him in....7 months or so), & I also called an old friend who I hadn't spoken to, cuz I was sort of feeling like, OK-- this has been a rough year, but in the end, I don't HATE anyone, and I want people to know that. So I called him, we ended up talking, casually, and laughing for about 20 minutes, happy holidays, whatever, said goodbye. I heard from him about a month later, some issue with school he was having, so we talked a few times that month, and then I called him the next month just to be nice and check in, and then on his birthday a few weeks ago. He was really nice, and invited me out with him and his friends (most of whom I'm actually still friends with), but I had plans -- I really don't know if I would have gone anyways, but it was a nice gesture. I also informed him in that convo, not thinking, really quick / casual, that I was legit moving to the west coast (I'm from the Boston area), and I had my plane ticket for soon, that we should hang out before I move...(we haven't hung out since I had last seen him). I had to get off the phone, and it was silent for a few seconds, and I think I shocked him, because he always knew that was an aspiration of mine, but he'd have no way of knowing it was actually happening. I heard from him the next day asking my plans that day, but we didn't hang out or anything. Anyways...I'm leaving in 2, 2.5 months, and I'm excited to go start my new life in CA, but I can't help but, when I'm forced to think of everything I'm leaving behind, that I just don't know how I feel about it. Inside, secretly, I'm petrified that I'll never find anyone to love again, in that WAY, that if I'd had it my way we wouldn't have ended it last year, certainly not in that way -- but I have way, WAY too much pride to ever admit to that sort of thing out loud. I would definetely never say anything like that before I go, because I just want to live somewhere different, with new people, with new everything, and I don't want anything to stop that. But I feel funny knowing that although I have been with others since then, maybe I still feel like I won't top the love I had, and I always sort of feel like maybe our paths will cross again. He has had some hmmm...sexual flings, I would say, but no girlfriends since...which I find sort of odd, since he's never been single for more than a couple of months. I also know from various sources that he does want to find someone, so I'm confused why he doesn't have a girlfriend. I feel like this doesn't make sense, because I'm saying I would never mention how I have these feelings to him, and all of that, and it's true...and how if things were meant to work out, they would have, and all of those cliches. I guess I'm just being forced to look at my life before I go, and I'm confused. I'm nervous I will always feel this way about him, and I have no idea how he feels, and I'm scared maybe our pride will prevent us from ever knowing? I would LOVE, APPRECIATE, and ADORE any time or advice someone could offer.

[Guest]

living with regret would suck so put your pride away and tell him how u feel maybe so u dont have any regrets later at least let him know how u felt about your guys love.

[daphne]

He broke it off with you last year due to some random excuse. You'er moving and you want to move. But you're also probably a little scared of change. I think the change is bigger than him. You've already survived that.

 

If he was the one to let you go when you didn't want to, I don't see what the dilemma is. He hasn't indicated he wants to get back together. You can't force a square peg into a round hole. If he wanted something, he should man up and tell you. You gave it a chance, so you shouldn't regret moving forward with your life. If he blew his chance, that's on him.