Isolated and Despairing

[justanothermother]

I have no car, no close friends in this state, no family to turn to... all I have is my very young children and their father. He doesn't hit me or scream at me but he psychologically tortures me. He finds any weakness or fear and uses them against me, he deprives me of any and all affection or attention, he purposely makes me feel like I am worthless and stupid. He is so cruel, so unrelenting, that I often wonder if he is trying to get me to kill myself. I honestly think he would be happy if I were dead. He hates me. I don't know why but he does.

 

I know I can't continue like this forever but I have no support, no money, nowhere to go, and the local domestic violence hotline I called told me there is nothing they can do because I am not being physically harmed. I don't even have insurance for therapy...

 

I feel so alone and defeated right now.

[MoonGirl]

Hi there,

 

As you already know well, emotional abuse IS abuse and can damage you in so many ways.

 

If you can't afford therapy, some churches and synagogues offer free couseling. I also suggest reading lots of books, particularily those by Patricia Evans about verbal/emotional abuse, and especially "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

Do you have a job, a driver's license?

 

How does your husband treat the kids?

[justanothermother]

I was working from home but recently lost my contract. I have no licence. I tried finding a book on emotional abuse at the local library branch but it's tiny and they don't have any. I don't know how to get out of this hole I have dug myself into. Even worse, I worry that if I leave he will try to get custody of my kids, not because he wants them but to hurt me. I have a history of sucidial behaviors and such so it's very possible I could lose.

 

I hate my life.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I was working from home but recently lost my contract. I have no licence. I tried finding a book on emotional abuse at the local library branch but it's tiny and they don't have any. I don't know how to get out of this hole I have dug myself into. Even worse, I worry that if I leave he will try to get custody of my kids, not because he wants them but to hurt me. I have a history of sucidial behaviors and such so it's very possible I could lose.

 

I hate my life.

 

http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html A good article.

 

Can you get help from your family?

[MoonGirl]

I suggest going to your local church for some counseling. I am not religious, but I think that might be one of your only options right now.

 

I had the same worry about the kids and my husband, but I don't have a history of suicidal behavior or any other psychological issue... Since you have a history of such behavior, do you take meds or anything? I would certainly talk to a lawyer if I were you before making a decision about leaving your husband.

 

I am interested in knowing why you think your husband hates you. Can you give some specifics about what he says and does other than withholding affection?

 

How do you act when he is around? And how do you react to him withholding affection from you?

 

And how does your husband treat the kids? Is he nice to them?

[justanothermother]

I suggest going to your local church for some counseling. I am not religious, but I think that might be one of your only options right now.

 

I had the same worry about the kids and my husband, but I don't have a history of suicidal behavior or any other psychological issue... Since you have a history of such behavior, do you take meds or anything? I would certainly talk to a lawyer if I were you before making a decision about leaving your husband.

 

I am interested in knowing why you think your husband hates you. Can you give some specifics about what he says and does other than withholding affection?

 

How do you act when he is around? And how do you react to him withholding affection from you?

 

And how does your husband treat the kids? Is he nice to them?

 

I think he hates me because:

 

He recoils in disgust if I touch him, even by accident. He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me and doesn't even want to be in the same room I am if he can help it (unless he feels like being condescending or wants sex which is rare).

 

He blames me for all his problems. He's told me that I've ruined his life and that he resents me. That I am a golddigger (even though until now *I* was paying 85% of the bills) and that he is miserable because of me and the kids.

 

He went out of his way to stress me out as much as possible while I was pregnant. He would force me to do things I was not supposed to do because I was high risk (such peel off in the car leaving me with heavy bags full of groceries to carry up many flights of stairs) and make me cry every day.

 

He had/has affairs and tells me it's my fault because I'm not good enough. He even spent the entire day I was in the hospital giving birth (which I suffered many complications) texting his affair partner and later took off saying he'd be back later but didn't return (or answer any calls) till supper time the next day.

 

He has told me he doesn't care about my feelings or my problems and not to bother him with them.

 

Everything I do is wrong. For example, if the kids were sick and I gave them medicine, he would call me a bad mom who just wants to shove medicine down their throats. If the kids were sick and I didn't give them medicine, he would call me a bad mom who neglects her kids and can't even bother to give them medicine. I can not win. EVER.

 

If I ask him for help (medicine, ect.) when I am ill he gets mad at me.

 

I could go on and on...

 

I am not on meds because I have no insurance and he refuses to put me on his.

 

When he is around I try to stay in another room and not bother him or interact with him at all. He doesn't seem to mind one bit. If I am in the same room with him and the girls he goes out of his way to belittle everything I do and correct the way I parent our kids.

 

He is OK with them but would rather play video games and drink then play with them for more than ten minutes.

[MoonGirl]

Ok - that gives me a better idea of what you're living with. If I were you, I would certainly contact a counselor at a local church. Maybe they can help you.

 

There are also options for health insurance if you have little money. I don't know where you live, but most states have a Medicaid program. In California it's called MediCal. You certainly should be treated for depression and have access to a therapist.

 

Are you married?

 

You don't deserve to be treated this way. My guess is that if you leave him, he will put up a big stink at first, but then back off. If you give him free access to the kids, he will probably eventually loose interest in them. My husband was "devastated" when I left and acted like a total jerk. He wanted the kids 50% of the time and threatened to take me to court for full custody, but now (after 6 weeks) spends very little time with them. He has them 1-2 days per week, but either calls me to come watch them or drops them off at his mom's house.

 

I digitally recorded some of my conversations with my husband, and kept those which highlighted his abusive behavior. In your case, you should also record him talking about his affairs. When my husband threatened a court battle for the kids, I mentioned that I had these tapes and he backed off. The digital recorders are silent (but make sure this kind of evidence is admiss in court in your state).

[Guest]

I have no car, no close friends in this state, no family to turn to... all I have is my very young children and their father. He doesn't hit me or scream at me but he psychologically tortures me. He finds any weakness or fear and uses them against me, he deprives me of any and all affection or attention, he purposely makes me feel like I am worthless and stupid. He is so cruel, so unrelenting, that I often wonder if he is trying to get me to kill myself. I honestly think he would be happy if I were dead. He hates me. I don't know why but he does.

 

I know I can't continue like this forever but I have no support, no money, nowhere to go, and the local domestic violence hotline I called told me there is nothing they can do because I am not being physically harmed. I don't even have insurance for therapy...

 

I feel so alone and defeated right now.

 

 

Hun, get away from this man! Call a womens shelter and go!! They will take you as they do not just support victims of physical abuse. What he is doing to you is ABUSIVE traumatic and truly horrible. RUN!

 

You do not want your kids growing up thinking this is the way men are supposed to treat women and you sure don't want your kids growing up to let anyone treat them that way! Trust me on this, when you say you think he is trying to push you to kill yourself...you may not be far off the mark.

 

Unfortunatley there ARE people JUST that sick and it sounds like one found you. Get some help for yourself NOW before something terrible happens and so that you NEVER let ANYONE do this to you again. HUGS!! You are worth more than this! You CAN do it!!