Cutting Addiction

[coco_milkshake]

Its 2.43am, Im tired, fed up and angry at myself. I am currently struggling to write a paper which I should have done at the weekend but as usual leave it to the last minute and I am due to hand it in about 8 hours. I cant concentrate cos I have a confession to make:

 

I am addicted to cutting. I have 14 scars on my left thigh and counting. I feel so much pleasure out of mutilating myself, it feels right at the time. Now I feel disgusted with myself. Whenever I have a shower, whenever I get dressed I see those marks on my thigh and I feel ugly. Its something I want to stop but I am afraid the water has gone over my head. I think about it a lot. I get drained of energy restraining myself from locking myself in the bathroom to cut.

 

I cant tell my family. They are the reason I do it. Even now that things have calmed down a little bit, I still think about it. Earlier when I first started to do it, it was when I got pushed over the edge, its when I was searching for control. I still am. Now its like I am searching for a reason to do it, to justify it. Two weeks is the last time I did it. I have done well so far not to have done it since then but I dont know how long this will last. Sometimes when I cut, I place the blade on my wrists. Just rest it on my wrist and think to myself "one swift stroke and its all over". I hate the person Ive become.

[Pyro]

Not cool at all CM........

 

Go and get the help you need immediately. At this point, don't even worry about your mum catching you away from home. This is an emergency. This is your life.

[coco_milkshake]

I want help, but a part of me gets comfort out of this. I want to cut now, thats why I am on here. I am trying to divert my mind away from it. I figured posting about it would help relieve me. Its hard.

[Art_Critic]

No sweetie.. Tell someone.. Anyone.. Anyone can help you.. even your family....

 

I just want to hug you... I'm sorry that you feel this way... I wish that you had help..

 

Do you have anyone in your family that you can tell your secret to ?.. How about at school ?

 

I also wish I knew more about what you are going thru... maybe someone that can better understand what you are going thru can post and help..

[Art_Critic]

I want help, but a part of me gets comfort out of this. I want to cut now, thats why I am on here. I am trying to divert my mind away from it. I figured posting about it would help relieve me. Its hard.

 

It is true that posting on LS would take your mind off it...

 

I know it's hard.. I can see that you want to stop..

[Pyro]

I want help, but a part of me gets comfort out of this. I want to cut now, thats why I am on here. I am trying to divert my mind away from it. I figured posting about it would help relieve me. Its hard.

 

That is why you do need help. You shouldn't be getting comfort out of it. I wish that I could reach through the monitor and take all your cutting items away.

 

Coco, do something about it before you have no life left to live. Do you want all that schooling to go to waste?

[coco_milkshake]

*sobbing* This is hard. I guess I am having a bad night but this is soo hard. I told my best friend but she didnt understand. She knew I did it last year and she called me a coward. She made me promise not to do it again and I have tried. God I have tried. I told her a few days ago and she knows what my mum is like. She agrees with me that its not a good idea to tell her cos she will make things worse for me.

[whichwayisup]

I want help, but a part of me gets comfort out of this. I want to cut now, thats why I am on here. I am trying to divert my mind away from it. I figured posting about it would help relieve me. Its hard.

 

Coco, you gotta get some help. I know you're scared to, but I'm telling ya, getting help and opening up about your pain to someone professional will help you stop cutting. It's a learned behaviour, a way of escape for you - Yet you are self harming yourself to get away from what you feel inside....Please, call your Dr, start googling therapists in your area.

 

*sobbing* This is hard. I guess I am having a bad night but this is soo hard. I told my best friend but she didnt understand. She knew I did it last year and she called me a coward. She made me promise not to do it again and I have tried. God I have tried. I told her a few days ago and she knows what my mum is like. She agrees with me that its not a good idea to tell her cos she will make things worse for me.

I am sorry that your bestfriend doesn't understand, but I do hope she's supportive of helping you through this. And, as for your mom, don't tell her right now if it is going to make you feel worse. You can face that later on in the future...Right now, first step is getting help so you can stop cutting.

 

Keep writing your thoughts out, if it helps prevent you from cutting.

 

Hugs.

[lonelybird]

I found some stories from Bible, thought this could help. Whenever you have this cutting thought, you call "Jesus", I believe He will help you to overcome this.

 

Mark 1:23 Just then a man with an evil spirit came into the synagogue and screamed,

1:24 "What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Are you here to destroy us? I know who you are-you are God's holy messenger!"

1:25 Jesus ordered the spirit, "Be quiet, and come out of the man!"

1:26 The evil spirit shook the man hard, gave a loud scream, and came out of him.

1:27 The people were all so amazed that they started saying to one another, "What is this? Is it some kind of new teaching? This man has authority to give orders to the evil spirits, and they obey him!"

1:28 And so the news about Jesus spread quickly everywhere in the province of Galilee.

 

 

As soon as Jesus got out of the boat, he was met by a man who came out of the burial caves there. This man had an evil spirit in him

5:3 and lived among the tombs. Nobody could keep him tied with chains any more;

5:4 many times his feet and his hands had been tied, but every time he broke the chains and smashed the irons on his feet. He was too strong for anyone to control him.

5:5 Day and night he wandered among the tombs and through the hills, screaming and cutting himself with stones.

5:6 He was some distance away when he saw Jesus; so he ran, fell on his knees before him,

5:7 and screamed in a loud voice, "Jesus, Son of the Most High God! What do you want with me? For God's sake, I beg you, don't punish me!"

5:8 (He said this because Jesus was saying, "Evil spirit, come out of this man!")

5:9 So Jesus asked him, "What is your name!" The man answered, "My name is 'Mob'-there are so many of us!"

5:10 And he kept begging Jesus not to send the evil spirits out of that region.

5:11 There was a large herd of pigs near by, feeding on a hillside.

5:12 So the spirits begged Jesus, "Send us to the pigs, and let us go into them."

5:13 He let them go, and the evil spirits went out of the man and entered the pigs. The whole herd-about two thousand pigs in all-rushed down the side of the cliff into the lake and was drowned.

5:14 The men who had been taking care of the pigs ran away and spread the news in the town and among the farms. People went out to see what had happened,

5:15 and when they came to Jesus, they saw the man who used to have the mob of demons in him. He was sitting there, clothed and in his right mind; and they were all afraid.

5:16 Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the man with the demons, and about the pigs.

 

 

A woman, whose daughter had an evil spirit in her, heard about Jesus and came to him at once and fell at his feet.

7:26 The woman was a Gentile, born in the region of Phoenicia in Syria. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.

7:27 But Jesus answered, "Let us first feed the children. It isn't right to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs."

7:28 "Sir," she answered, "even the dogs under the table eat the children's leftovers!"

7:29 So Jesus said to her, "Because of that answer, go back home, where you will find that the demon has gone out of your daughter!"

 

 

A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, because he has an evil spirit in him and cannot talk.

9:18 Whenever the spirit attacks him, it throws him to the ground, and he foams at the mouth, grits his teeth, and becomes stiff all over. I asked your disciples to drive the spirit out, but they could not."

9:19 Jesus said to them, "How unbelieving you people are! How long must I stay with you? How long do I have to put up with you? Bring the boy to me!"

9:20 They brought him to Jesus. As soon as the spirit saw Jesus, it threw the boy into a fit, so that he fell on the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

9:21 "How long has he been like this?" Jesus asked the father. "Ever since he was a child," he replied.

9:22 "Many times the evil spirit has tried to kill him by throwing him in the fire and into water. Have pity on us and help us, if you possibly can!"

9:23 "Yes," said Jesus, "if you yourself can! Everything is possible for the person who has faith."

9:24 The father at once cried out, "I do have faith, but not enough. Help me have more!"

9:25 Jesus noticed that the crowd was closing in on them, so he gave a command to the evil spirit. "Deaf and dumb spirit," he said, "I order you to come out of the boy and never go into him again!"

9:26 The spirit screamed, threw the boy into a bad fit, and came out. The boy looked like a corpse, and everyone said, "He is dead!"

9:27 But Jesus took the boy by the hand and helped him rise, and he stood up.

9:28 After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive the spirit out?"

9:29 "Only prayer can drive this kind out," answered Jesus; "nothing else can."

[coco_milkshake]

Thanks Lonelybird.

 

Last night was just as bad as the night before. I wanted to cut very badly and it was late. I decided to fight it by going to bed and I tossed and turned and I was close to screaming in frustration. Cried myself to sleep eventually.

 

This is getting ridiculous. Ive managed to resist cutting for two weeks and I am proud of myself but the cracks are showing. I make sure that I dont show these signs to my family. I spend the majority of my time in my room trying to write my dissertation when not at university and it distracts me. At night its when it gets bad. Thats when I am lying in bed and those thoughts just enter my head again. During the day I am occupied doing something but I barely sleep cos of this.

[tommyr]

please stop reading this board and get yourself some professional help!

 

if you MUST read advice from total strangers having no experience or qualifications to deal with your issue, well here is my worthless opinion:

start masturbating instead. like multiple times per day. it might not help, but I can't imagine it would hurt either.