Guest Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 I've been involved with a really great guy for five months. We spend quite a bit of time together (talk multiple times a day, see one another 4-5 times a week) and he has never given me any reason not to trust him. Having had a string of not-too-healthy relationships, being able to process his complete honesty and candor has been very refreshing. Both of us think that this relationship will be long term. Earlier in the year, he planned a week-long trip to Cancun in May with several of his single friends. I wasn't invited (not that I would have went since it's going to be a guys only excursion). They all have a time-share there and he could have chosen to go for a week with me, but didn't. He's been so considerate, that part of me didn't think he would actually go through with it. He is. I should mention, neither of us are kids -- we're both in our late 30s. I'm feeling very conflicted about this. On one hand, he has been very stressed by work and truly values his "alone time" and maintaining strong friendships -- both good signs. He deserves the trip and I want him to enjoy it. His sentiment is that, hey, it's only a week and of course I'll miss you but I'll be coming back to you. On the other hand, I have that little voice of doubt in the back of my mind. I don't mind the guys' night out or the weekend golfing trips, but I'm not feeling all that comfortable with this trip. Part of it is the run of the mill fear that he'll cheat (even though, rationally, I know someone who has it in themselves to cheat will do so whether or not you're there) and the other is that feeling a hurt that he'd rather go with them than with me. Again, probably not a mature response, but that's where I stand. I'm planning my own vacation for that week because I know that, if I stay home, I'll stew. But, honestly, I'd rather be going away someone warm to unwind with him. Is it wrong to feel this way? Would you? Am I over-reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
MotherGooze Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Remember that you have to give your partner his own space, and respect some of their needs. If he never did anything to you for you not to trust him, then why not let him go? But if you feel insecure about this I suggest you talk about it to him. Communication is everything. But stay calm and confident. There are things you might wanna do alone outside of the relationship. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and be thankful for having landed a good guy after all the not too healthy relationships you previously had! I think this will only make your relationship stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 You are over reacting. You said you had only been dating for 5 months and these arrangements were made "earlier in the year". I am assuming that these plans were probably made BEFORE you were a steady GF. He probably has some money to lose if he does not go. If it is a guys week away, he will not cheat. Guys tend to cheat one on one with their cheater. They do not go to foreign countries with a group of guys and cheat. Will he go to a disco and dance? Maybe? Will he look for some young chick flashing her boobs--sure. Will they do sophomoric guys stuff and get absolutely drunk? You bet. He needs his time away. Like you said, you are both in your 30s so there comes a time when all the drama needs to go away. I say start now. Also, does he have a passport? If not, he is not flying out of the US anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 I think you're probably overreacting. Imagine if you and some girlfriends had long planned a weekend away together. Now think how you would feel if your BF was upset/insecure/not wanting you to go. What would you do - cancel the trip with your friends? Invite him along? I see nothing wrong with a guy wanting to spend time with his guy friends. If he's given you no reason not to trust him, then trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
bridget_jones Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with this advice. If you do this, he will go on the trip and start thinking about the future of your relationship and if he wants to have a future with such a jealous and insecure woman, he will return and say the words "While I was gone, I had some time to think and....." well, she'll be dumped. If she tells him about insecurities, she is showing she is NOT calm and confident. I'm kind of surprised that a woman of your age in her late 30s would be bothered by her boyfriend going on this trip, you say you spend 5 or more days a week together, look at this as a way to have some space and do your own thing for a while. I hate to say this, but I'm betting he's looking forward to a little time away from you, too, it's healthy to have space from each other once in a whle. MotherGooz, it says "why not let him go?" He's a grown man, he doesn't need his girlfriend's permission to go on a trip. Remember that you have to give your partner his own space, and respect some of their needs. If he never did anything to you for you not to trust him, then why not let him go? But if you feel insecure about this I suggest you talk about it to him. Communication is everything. But stay calm and confident. There are things you might wanna do alone outside of the relationship. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and be thankful for having landed a good guy after all the not too healthy relationships you previously had! I think this will only make your relationship stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Oh, sweets, it could be so much worse. He could be going with a group of people that includes other women, or he could be going alone with a woman and telling you they're "just friends", or he could be going somewhere and visiting an ex who he's "just friends" with. Instead, he's going with his guy friends and he's very attentive to you and you have never had reason to doubt him. Buy him some sunscreen, drive him to the airport and give him a bon voyage kiss he won't forget. Link to post Share on other sites
guin_girl Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 over-reacting... and if you make it a big deal, you will turn him away... that's the last thing you want to do. Great idea to take the time to vacation at the same time... it shows him you can be your own person and you aren't relying on him to complete you. and 5 months is nothing really... if it were a year or more, then you might have a little beef... but not at such a short time. Link to post Share on other sites
kribby Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Gosh I so get your insecurity-- but you know-- you really should try to calm yourself. As others have said... if he hasn't given you any reason to doubt then--don't. From a practical standpoint... I was reading this article in the paper about how folks are more likely to cheat when they go on business trips or vacation. (GOOD LORD why am I saying this to you???? and you are already feeling insecure!) So to be crass... are you sleeping with him? Have you tossed away the condoms? You know that whole-- just in case thingy... That's how I live my life... If he were to cheat... and he didn't tell you... and if he were to get infected with a STD.. then you'd be screwed.... But of course there isn't any indications in your original post that indicates you have any issues... but I'd worry about a friend if they told me something like this-- you know worst case scenerio and CATASTROPHOSIZING... 'cause that's where my brain is living right now. Sorry to be a downer! Link to post Share on other sites
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