serial muse Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I know there are sexless marriages, but it's also the plain truth that MM (and I suppose MW too) do lie about this very vital issue. So, take it for what you will; if you believe that your MM/MW is the exception, then cool. My personal experience is this: after I discovered the affair but before I divorced him, my exH confessed to me that the OW was very concerned about this issue; she was really insecure about it and asked him repeatedly if he and I were still having sex (we absolutely were - about once a day). He had told her that we weren't; in fact, one of the things he initially told her was that we had no sex life to speak of. I say this only to point out the painful fact that while there are plenty of threads about sexless marriages, the people with sexually fulfilled marriages, perhaps, aren't writing in and starting threads. And yet there are far more affairs than there are sexless marriages. I'm just saying. So anyway. He told me he lied to her about that, outright. He also played her phone messages for me, so I am aware of how she really felt and what she really thought. Sorry, but you should be on your guard - it's not wise to blindly believe what a proven liar tells you, just because you want to. Wanting something to be true doesn't make it so. Which is why I ultimately divorced him. Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 you had sex..once a day..willingly?? and he STILL played around? Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 you had sex..once a day..willingly?? and he STILL played around? at that point, she was long-distance and i was unaware he was still in contact with her. he told me he wasn't, of course. he was playing us both. we were in marriage counseling at the time, because he said he wanted to work on it. he promised to stop contact while we tried to work it out. he didn't, however, and when i realized that he was playing us both, i finally told him i'd had enough of the lies and ended it, there in the counselor's office. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 i think a lot of OW just can not bear to think about the man they are in love with having intimate contact with another woman, even if it is their wife. i know this is painful for me. i used to think about it every night before i went to sleep. i would think about them in bed together. did he say the same things to her that he did to me? these thoughts devastated me. i am trying not to worry about this as much anymore. it is not in my control. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 No one wants to believe that the partner that they love is sleeping with/in love with/in lust with someone else. Whether this is pain from the OW or the betrayed spouse's perspective, it doesn't matter. The men that do this are very selfish indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 i am sorry trailbyfire, i wasnt even thinking about the betrayed spouse (classic OW i guess) and what pain they must feel if they know about the OW. i would imagine it would be much worse for the W to think of their husband with the OW. these men are selfish, but i can not believe that they do not have some sort of difficulty going between two women. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 No one wants to believe that the partner that they love is sleeping with/in love with/in lust with someone else. Whether this is pain from the OW or the betrayed spouse's perspective, it doesn't matter. The men that do this are very selfish indeed. Which is exactly why many - I'll stop shy of saying all - unfaithful spouses lie about their continuing relations with their actual partners. To the OW/OM, they appear to be long-suffering spouses who put up with so much loneliness "until now," rather than selfish a**holes who are playing two people. Sorry for the cynicism, because I know it's painful to the OW/OM on here to think they may be mistaken in their trust. But as TBF points out, it's painful to anyone to discover the partner they love is sleeping with someone else and is not worthy of that trust. And yet, s/he already demonstrably isn't, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 so you guys mean to tell me that just because he says he's not sleeping with his wife, he really isn't? not to say that he is....but he's already lying to his wife...the one he exchanged vows with before God; what makes you think he's not going to lie to the OW....just a piece of (_l_) on the side. unless u have talked to the wife about things, anything the mm has said can be false. yes, there are marriages that are at some times sexless, but that doesn't mean that all mm who are cheating are not having sex with the wife, and even if he was...he is supposed to lol. OW say they don't like the idea that he is having sex with the wife...she was there before you...she will be there after you... Men like sex...and will do and say anything (depending on his relationship with God) to get it, not considering the ow's feelings. don't you realize that he only cares about her feelings as long as there is sex? take the sex out and see what happens...and this is coming from a guy who has been there...done that! have a good day everyone Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Look, there are some things we can ALL be sure of.... * There ARE lots of marriages that are sexless or close to it * There are lots of affairs * There are lots of MM who lie * Some affairs are driven by sexlessness of a marriage * Some marriages are sexless because of the pre-A behavior of the WS * Plenty of affairs co-exist with an active and even apparently satisfying marital sex life As to which particular blend is the truth in any case, one needs more than generalities to determine that. Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Look, there are some things we can ALL be sure of.... * There ARE lots of marriages that are sexless or close to it * There are lots of affairs * There are lots of MM who lie * Some affairs are driven by sexlessness of a marriage * Some marriages are sexless because of the pre-A behavior of the WS * Plenty of affairs co-exist with an active and even apparently satisfying marital sex life As to which particular blend is the truth in any case, one needs more than generalities to determine that. SM I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Of course my husband still sleeps with me. And I know for a fact that he isn't thinking of the other woman. It's my name he's crying out in complete bliss, it's just that some men are dogs and can't turn down bi**ches in heat like some OW. Don't delude yourself, you are nothing more than a passing whim and I'll be with him long after you are tossed aside. Call me crazy, but why would you still want him long after OW is tossed aside??? Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Call me crazy, but why would you still want him long after OW is tossed aside??? i guess some women are extremely forgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 i guess some women are extremely forgiving. That's one way to describe it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I hope you ladies aren't suggesting that a MM is only worth keeping when he's still with an OW, are you? Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I'll chime in here and say that my H still asks for, and plans out romantic (in his eyes) sexual evenings. Before the first D day we actually had sex 7 days a week, some night for hours, some days several times and I loved it and thought we had the best sexual realationship around. He actually bragged constantly about it. Since then its probably 5 times a week give or take. I NEVER initiate so when we do its because he asked for it. He will also call or email the next day to say how great it was and that he is looking forward to tonight. I have no idea what he tells his OWs or if they even care. There is no physical intimacy as per my definition, not sure how he would view it. I go along to keep the status quo and whether the sex is good for me or not usually depends on my frame of mind at the time. No pillow talk and that's fine by me. I would be very interested in the perspective of the OM though as men don't equate sex with love the way we seem to do. Ofcourse there are sexless marriages in affairs but there are also marriages with sexual realationships that most monogamous men would give their right arm for! I guess if a OW really wanted to know she could email the wife a sexual survey from an unknow email address! Just a thought! I'ld bite! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 these men are selfish, but i can not believe that they do not have some sort of difficulty going between two women. Which is why they do it??? No, no, honey, that only adds to the fun for them, these men have generally have power or control issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 IWWH, I absolutely agree with the power and control issues. For the ones that continue both sides on a regular basis, it's an adrenaline rush. Link to post Share on other sites
Babybird Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I know that a lot of MM in A still have sex with their wives and I never meant to come off like that isn't happening. I'm just saying that instances of the MM getting sex 7 days a week and still having an A seem like they should be rare. If a man is having sex 7 days a week at home is it really a power trip that pushes him somewhere else? Sure he could be trying to boost his ego but it could be that the sex is great but something else is seriously lacking. One of my male friends has been having an A for months. (He's been married for almost 5 years.) He has sex with his W 5 or 6 times a week but says that they have nothing in common and nothing to talk about so thats all they do. Have sex. He's lonely. I agree that men can be egotistical, arrogant, selfish bastards that are only out for a piece. I think that people need to agree that not all men having an A are that kind of person. Some men actually want love, affection, and that connection that is lost. Real relationships with communication and interest in each others lives. That's my experience with MM. They're more lonely than they are horny. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 That's my experience with MM. They're more lonely than they are horny. I completely but respectfully disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 While I agree that there are differences in each affair, in my marriage we had very similar interests and had very similar personality types. We talked about everything. He openly admitted that it was a game. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I've heard the same, the GAME is the chase and the hunt. FUN is another word that he used. I'm sure they are not all the same. Before the first D day we spent every minute he was home together, went out together 4 or so nights a week as we both love to dance. Still do actually, but (and I realize that this is discusses round and round just like the chicken/egg question) when a man is fooling around it is hard to be emotionally intimate with someone who is your "real life" mirror. Once caught they see the real them in your face and noone, especially one who can't handle shame and has such a "fragile" ego, wants to see themselves as that. Time spent with someone who doesn't judge you for who you really are is much more enjoyable. THIS is why they lie to the OW. THEY need her to believe it so that they can live that fantasy without having to deal iwth the reality of their situation. Link to post Share on other sites
bridget_jones Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I guess I don't understand why the fact that their MM might be having intimate relations with his W would be an issue at all, or even anything something the OW would ponder. If you are agreeing to have intimate relations with a MM, then you are accepting the fact that he has flaws....that main flaw being that he is dishonest and will lie and deceive someone outright, he has no qualms about doing so. So you can't expect him to be honest with you, also, or expect him to have a faithful relationship with you. It just comes as part of the deal when you're seeing a married man, you can't have any moral expectations of him. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 my MM has said that he and his wife had just drifted apart. he has never denied that he continues to have sex with her. i have never specifically asked either. the only thing he has mentioned in relation to her sexually is that he is not as attracted to her as he is to me. of course you can all say that this too is a lie, but it really doesnt matter. he is getting something from me that he needs at this moment in his life and i want to give it to him. i know we can not go on in this manner forever, but for now i have resigned myself to this. Link to post Share on other sites
sadbuttrue Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 bj, i do not think MM should be free of moral expectations from their OW. some MM and OW have very good relationships, respectful and trusting relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 IWWH, OMG, we should PM each other with our exes first names because it sounds like we married the same serial cheater. Don't forget the "kill" portion too. It was all a fantasy because he could be anyone he wanted to be and the OW would accept it, believing that it was the real him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts