does your MM/MW still sleep with their partner?

[mopar crazy]

Before my H A I also didn't want to have sex much either. Long story why so I wont get into it all. It wasn't like we never had sex. We had sex at least once a week if not more. I think the longest we went was after I gave birth to our children. There was times it was two or three weeks but never more than that.

 

Back to the topic of MM having sex w/ his W. His xOW never knew we had sex. I don't think it was ever brought up. I think she assumed we weren't but could be wrong.

 

My H and I had sex every other day during his A. Well up until I moved out of town. I thought sex would win him back and part of me was in denial that he was having an A. Another part of it all was to get back at the OW. I was thinking to myself "HA HA, bitch! He is w/ me and not you at this moment!" STUPID ME! Of course the next day I felt used by my own H! I felt like I just had a one night stand w/ some stranger and regretted it. Don't know why I kept putting myself through that. Guess it was b/c it was a way for me to get back at her even if she didn't know, I did.

[lrae]

Imagine my relief!

[lrae]

That was actually a joke, but I guess humour doesn't always translate

 

Not belittling you Mopar Crazy! I am releived for BigBlueEyes. Sorry! Still figuring the quotes and such out.

[americat]

Sometimes I allow him to have sex with his wife when during that time period I'm not feeling very sexual. But we spend most holidays together while he disses his wife and children and the wife is so pathetic, she just lets it happen over and over again. She'll never leave him and he will never leave her cause he has a lot to lose.

[Babybird]

Sometimes I allow him to have sex with his wife when during that time period I'm not feeling very sexual. But we spend most holidays together while he disses his wife and children and the wife is so pathetic, she just lets it happen over and over again. She'll never leave him and he will never leave her cause he has a lot to lose.

 

 

OMG! You allow him to have sex with his W??? LOL Thats good.

 

The thing that confuses me the most is that so many people focus totally on the sexual portion of the A. A lot of people have EA and there isn't that sex portion. Technically is that still an A? When I was younger and even dumber than I am now I had an EA. Never had sex with the guy. He left his wife, told me he loved me, blah blah blah...I sent him back to his wife. So what I'm getting at is what kind of 'fix' was he getting? Or was he really just lacking something at home and trying to fill some sort of empty, lonely, emotional need?

 

BTW: I can't remember who said that they respectfully disagreed with my statement of MM being more lonely than horny...I just meant MY experience. I know there's a lot of only horny, and not lonely dogs out there!!

[GreenEyedLady]

To the OP: I don't think that you'll ever really know for sure if your AP is sleeping with their spouse because A's really live in an atmosphere of deceit...and by that I mean the MM/MW is lying to at least one party, usually two...so the only way to know for sure is if the AP's spouse becomes aware of the A and tells you either way...

 

So you can either just not think about it or just live with the fact that they may...

 

But there are LOTS of R in which married people do NOT have sex at all or very often...although it seems most of those people do not post on loveshack...

[mopar crazy]

Not belittling you Mopar Crazy! I am releived for BigBlueEyes. Sorry! Still figuring the quotes and such out.

 

 

NP Irae! By the way I love your avatar!!! Gorgeous GS! Aren't they wonderful dogs! I would never own anything else. Well, I take that back. My H just had to have a Black Lab after we lost our first GS. She had a very high drive and I just didn't like her. I was sad when she was killed and did cry for days but I never liked her that much but I didn't want her dead! We had a Black Lab for awhile when I was growing up but he ran off (we found him as a stray). He was a great dog but still prefer GS.

[Trialbyfire]

I know I'm being idealistic but why wouldn't a MM who is not getting sex discuss it with his W and the two hash out how they can either fix it, the two setup some kind of open relationship or the two part ways? If sex is not the defining reason, why is it listed so frequently as such by men who have cheated? Is it because these men are incapable of discussing their true emotions and prefer to hide behind subterfuge? Is this lack of ability to discuss true emotions the reason why the W stops wanting to have physical contact with her mate because he is incapable of meeting her emotional needs?

 

As lack of sex was the not reason with my serial cheater, this is a thought for topical discussion only.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Because these men are not rational????

[GreenEyedLady]

Or they don't know how to communicate? Or have true intimacy (not talking physical here) with someone?

[NearlyThere]

I know I'm being idealistic but why wouldn't a MM who is not getting sex discuss it with his W and the two hash out how they can either fix it, the two setup some kind of open relationship or the two part ways? If sex is not the defining reason, why is it listed so frequently as such by men who have cheated? Is it because these men are incapable of discussing their true emotions and prefer to hide behind subterfuge? Is this lack of ability to discuss true emotions the reason why the W stops wanting to have physical contact with her mate because he is incapable of meeting her emotional needs?

 

As lack of sex was the not reason with my serial cheater, this is a thought for topical discussion only.

 

Some interesting questions, that I suppose as women we can only assume the answers.

 

Why wouldn't a MM who is not getting sex discuss it with his W and the two hash out how they can either fix it, the two setup some kind of open relationship or the two part ways? If sex is not the defining reason, why is it listed so frequently as such by men who have cheated?

 

I dont know why its not talked about but can say my exSO did not bring up the subject at all even after 4 years, it was alluded to but as I avoided the subject as much as possible it was never discussed. I get the impression from what I have read and what the MM I am seeing says it is the intimacy and kindness and words and actions that go along with the sex.

 

Is it because these men are incapable of discussing their true emotions and prefer to hide behind subterfuge?

 

I dont wish to stereotype too much but I dont think men really discuss emotions they are people of action, I read an interesting part of a book called Light His Fire last night, how emotions tend to be supressed from an early age, cant say if this is true for every male though.

 

Is this lack of ability to discuss true emotions the reason why the W stops wanting to have physical contact with her mate because he is incapable of meeting her emotional needs?

 

I can't answer for everyone else, however, mine was simply due to the fact I simply no longer found him desirable or in love, not too sure which came first though.

 

After reading various threads on other boards, I had a thought about men's sexual "needs" not being met by their partner, despite the subject being bought up several times to their SO. What is a man to do for relief? so far I have read, no strip clubs, no lapdancers, no prosititues, no affairs, no ons, no massages, no FWB but the women still want a R with this man, he still feels he is in love with her, so what are the men supposed to do, spend the rest of their life masturbating, no replacement for intimacy I should imagine. Just my ponderings.

[Trialbyfire]

Some interesting thoughts ladies.

 

The sad reality is that in order to get intimacy, you have to learn to reciprocate the intimacy and even be the one to initiate it. You can't rely on one party to be the sole provider of intimacy. This is on all levels, neither solely emotional or physical.

[Guest]

lack of sex is what drove my mm to the A

 

he did talk about it with his W

 

what is strange is that exactly the same situation occurred with my xH

that is occurring in mms marriage - H wants sex all the time and W doesn't or can't or is too tired. It wasn't that i didn't love him i guess it just became boring and like a chore

 

if pregnancy and children have been the end result for the w then she thinks what's the point in taking the oral contraceptive every day when we only have sex once every three to six months (if he's lucky)

 

so they fight about sex - very romantic

 

she tells him to get a vasectomy (knowing he probably won't) this gives the w another few months of sexual reprieve while he struggles with the thought of getting his crown jewels massacred

finally he reasons with himself that this won't be happening.

 

so they keep fighting about sex he feels like w does't love, care about or want him. (she does she just doesn't want all that sex, if any)

 

she tells him she will get her tubal ligation and then everything will be okay,

another few months of not being badgered for sex for her and the promise of sex with his w every day for him.

 

finally she is sterile and, so it turns out, are the promises of frequent sex again...h by this time feeling tortured. this is where he starts to seek sex out side the marraige

 

my marriage only differed from mms' because my xh and i decided to separate BEFORE i went for tubal ligation. (I chickened out of that)

i couldn't stand to live in the misery anymore it was like flogging a dead horse.

 

and yes i re-discovered my self and i discovered i actually had a libido too!

cheating xh moved in with some woman who has almost put him off relationships forever and a couple of years later silly, carefree, independent happy me walked smack bang into mm.

[Babybird]

I know I'm being idealistic but why wouldn't a MM who is not getting sex discuss it with his W and the two hash out how they can either fix it, the two setup some kind of open relationship or the two part ways? If sex is not the defining reason, why is it listed so frequently as such by men who have cheated? Is it because these men are incapable of discussing their true emotions and prefer to hide behind subterfuge? Is this lack of ability to discuss true emotions the reason why the W stops wanting to have physical contact with her mate because he is incapable of meeting her emotional needs?

 

As lack of sex was the not reason with my serial cheater, this is a thought for topical discussion only.

 

My MM claims to have discussed the lack of sex with his W. He said for a long time they had a great sex life and over the years it has diminished to once a month then eventually to once ever other couple of months, etc. He has expressed his desire to have a more intimate R and she has basically distanced herself. A few weeks after that conversation he started sleeping in the basement.

 

Honestly, even if sex isn't the defining reason and the lack of emotional intimacy is the reason how many guys are going to openly admit that? Men are supposed to be manly and not complain about lack of kissing or cuddling. I would imagine that would make them feel, for lack of a better word, like a pansy. That probably goes hand in hand with not meeting her emotional needs. Eventually, it seems, the two people end up being more like roommates than married people.

 

I wonder if age has anything to do with this. Most of the men I know that are cheaters are in the 40's. Always with younger women. What about the MW? Are they in their 40's? Is that when the 15-20 year R becomes stagnant and cold? Or is it all just a mid-life crisis type of thing?

 

(My MM is 44 and I'm 30. Just something that I have wondered about.)

[Trialbyfire]

My MM claims to have discussed the lack of sex with his W. He said for a long time they had a great sex life and over the years it has diminished to once a month then eventually to once ever other couple of months, etc. He has expressed his desire to have a more intimate R and she has basically distanced herself. A few weeks after that conversation he started sleeping in the basement.

 

Honestly, even if sex isn't the defining reason and the lack of emotional intimacy is the reason how many guys are going to openly admit that? Men are supposed to be manly and not complain about lack of kissing or cuddling. I would imagine that would make them feel, for lack of a better word, like a pansy. That probably goes hand in hand with not meeting her emotional needs. Eventually, it seems, the two people end up being more like roommates than married people.

 

I wonder if age has anything to do with this. Most of the men I know that are cheaters are in the 40's. Always with younger women. What about the MW? Are they in their 40's? Is that when the 15-20 year R becomes stagnant and cold? Or is it all just a mid-life crisis type of thing?

 

(My MM is 44 and I'm 30. Just something that I have wondered about.)

I'm wondering how far they went with the discussion. Having a quick discussion doesn't always end up with some form of resolution that's an acceptable compromise to both parties. If the two have an agreement to an open relationship, that's the choice of the three of you.

 

There's no doubt that relationships stagnate. It's also up to both parties to keep it going.

 

Isn't 44 a little young for mid-life crisis?

[stillhere]

I'm wondering how far they went with the discussion. Having a quick discussion doesn't always end up with some form of resolution that's an acceptable compromise to both parties. If the two have an agreement to an open relationship, that's the choice of the three of you.

 

There's no doubt that relationships stagnate. It's also up to both parties to keep it going.

 

Isn't 44 a little young for mid-life crisis?

 

TBF........my MM tried to talk with his W about their lack of intimacy. She has a very old fashioned way of thinking. Sex is dirty and something that should be done, but isn't important.

 

My MM tried everything he could. He bought a toy and was b*tched at for it. It was very hard for him to do that, and when he told me, i could still see the pain in his eyes.

 

My MM isn't very emotional, i'm the only one who has ever seen him break down, he usually clams up and disappears, buries himself in his work. He does not feel comfortable talking to her about sex because she is not comfortable with it. He got the look of disapproval when he brought up the subject, and he never pushed it. Apparently, if it's not important to her, then it shouldn't be important to him.

 

I'm not saying this is a good excuse, it's not. He did try though and she shot him down before he had a chance. I can still see that look on his face, the pain and embarassment he felt when he tried to improve their sex life.

 

We have a wonderful relationship, for an A. We talk every day about anything and everything. We can talk about serious things, about what is bothering us, or stupid stuff. We have an amazing sex life and an extremely close emotional bond. I am the only one he opens up to, he feels safe with me. His W is a great roommate, but not the mate he needs, otherwise, he wouldn't have come to me.

 

Oh, and my MM is 42, and i first pondered the mid life crisis thing as well. We've been together for over 18 months.

[sadbuttrue]

i have no doubt that MM and his W have sex, but he has said that she just doesnt seem to want him sexually and that he has talked to her about it without much success. i am a little afraid that i may have increased her desire to have sex with him after i told her that he was having an affair

[Trialbyfire]

TBF........my MM tried to talk with his W about their lack of intimacy. She has a very old fashioned way of thinking. Sex is dirty and something that should be done, but isn't important.

 

My MM tried everything he could. He bought a toy and was b*tched at for it. It was very hard for him to do that, and when he told me, i could still see the pain in his eyes.

 

My MM isn't very emotional, i'm the only one who has ever seen him break down, he usually clams up and disappears, buries himself in his work. He does not feel comfortable talking to her about sex because she is not comfortable with it. He got the look of disapproval when he brought up the subject, and he never pushed it. Apparently, if it's not important to her, then it shouldn't be important to him.

 

I'm not saying this is a good excuse, it's not. He did try though and she shot him down before he had a chance. I can still see that look on his face, the pain and embarassment he felt when he tried to improve their sex life.

 

We have a wonderful relationship, for an A. We talk every day about anything and everything. We can talk about serious things, about what is bothering us, or stupid stuff. We have an amazing sex life and an extremely close emotional bond. I am the only one he opens up to, he feels safe with me. His W is a great roommate, but not the mate he needs, otherwise, he wouldn't have come to me.

 

Oh, and my MM is 42, and i first pondered the mid life crisis thing as well. We've been together for over 18 months.

No doubt that sex is an uncomfortable topic for some people, although between married couples, this becomes a huge red flag if they can't communicate on this level.

 

If they are only roommates, why stay? I guess this is something I can never hope to understand. If the two can't or won't communicate, then either go to MC or simply let it go.

[sadbuttrue]

tbf, i guess a lot of these unhappy married couples are just in denial about the true nature of their lives together.

[serial muse]

tbf, i guess a lot of these unhappy married couples are just in denial about the true nature of their lives together.

 

Which is why perpetuating an atmosphere of deceit isn't ever going to solve anything, of course.

 

I'm sure there are MM (and MW) who have tried endlessly (in their view) to communicate their frustration to their partners over a lack of emotional and/or physical intimacy. But I suspect that, more commonly, they've either skirted the edge of the discussion and generally feel like their partner should "pick up" on their emotions and unhappiness, rather than being willing to lay it all out on the line. And sometimes that's just what has to happen to wake your partner up to your true state of mind. Not doing that means that no, you haven't really communicated what you're feeling, and all the insinuation in the world won't get someone who thinks you wouldn't cheat to see the writing on the wall. You have to be direct.

 

I suppose the thing I don't understand is why it's preferable to go into an affair than to lay it on the line like that first. I think there are lots of BS who really don't know what's at stake, and would snap to attention if they did.

 

I'm not saying that the tempted partner is the only one responsible for fixing the relationship, but it just seems to me that if someone is about to embark on an affair, they should at least be willing to tell their partner, point-blank, how unhappy they really are and that they're on the brink, before actually doing it. I've said it before in these forums - I think that that, and that alone, is the commitment you make to someone when you promise exclusivity or even get married: that you'll go to them first.

 

I guess this is the part I'll just never understand.

[sadbuttrue]

sm, i agree, a married couple should talk to each other first and attempt to fix whatever needs fixing, but the reality is that they do not do this all the time, and the result is often turning outside the marriage. many do not want to "fix" it, they just want to ignore it and cope by treating themselves on the side.

 

i think the married couples who do not talk about their problems probably have no real wish to solve anything, they just lack the initiative to get out of an unhappy situation.

[outofdarkness]

sm, i agree, a married couple should talk to each other first and attempt to fix whatever needs fixing, but the reality is that they do not do this all the time, and the result is often turning outside the marriage. many do not want to "fix" it, they just want to ignore it and cope by treating themselves on the side.

 

i think the married couples who do not talk about their problems probably have no real wish to solve anything, they just lack the initiative to get out of an unhappy situation.

I think mabey you need to do a bit of reading/research about marriages and what it's all about, the ins and outs, etc...Just a suggestion..

[Trialbyfire]

sm, i agree, a married couple should talk to each other first and attempt to fix whatever needs fixing, but the reality is that they do not do this all the time, and the result is often turning outside the marriage. many do not want to "fix" it, they just want to ignore it and cope by treating themselves on the side.

 

i think the married couples who do not talk about their problems probably have no real wish to solve anything, they just lack the initiative to get out of an unhappy situation.

 

I think your statements have much merit. I would guess there is a substantial percentage of MM that don't want to try anymore but fail to remove themselves from the unhappy situation.

[sadbuttrue]

I think mabey you need to do a bit of reading/research about marriages and what it's all about, the ins and outs, etc...Just a suggestion..

 

ood i appreciate your suggestion, i guess we cant all be marriage experts like yourself.

[sadbuttrue]

thank you tbf, i thought it made sense myself