selfish male

[kali3272]

Hi! I need some advice on my boyfriend. He works hard (three jobs) is devoted to his family, and overall, a wonderful man. My problem is that he completely takes me for granted. He has a very close relationship with his family (his sisters are his best friends) and he is always doing things with them. He does all of these great things with them (ie skydiving) and he does NOTHING with me! We usually hang out at his house and watch movies or go out shopping. We have been dating on and off for the last two years, and over the last year, we have been dating pretty seriously.

 

It always seems like he will do things with me as a last choice. He is busy all the time, but it seems like I have to fight to get a little bit of whatever free time he has left. I also work two jobs and go to school, but it seems as if I bend what little time I have to fit his schedule.

 

I found out that, although he hates Christmas and has a tight budget this year, he is buying an expensive present for his best friend (part of the family, really) and he is not even getting me a card! (I was quite angry!!) I always look out for things that he likes and get them for him, without really expecting anything back.

 

He is reticent to talk about his feelings, but says he loves me. I am really his first relationship (he's 33), and he is a stubborn and difficult man. (he admits this!) He does not want to take me to family functions, even though I know, and am on good terms with his family. Yet he says we are in a serious relationship and does not want to break up. When I finally exploded about the unfairness of his treatment, he said he would try to improve. Do men change? I've told him what I want out of the relationship and told him I am willing to compromise, but he has to help me make things better.

 

Other than this, we are best friends. We tell each other almost everything. When I need help or in an emergency, he is there for me and vice versa. We are both faithful and there aren't any problems in the sex dept. Any help would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Do men change?"

 

Not very often and usually not on a permanent basis. Normally any change at all has to be brought about by a traumatic event, such as a break-up.

 

I don't see that you have a real relationship. You have what is called a "friends with benefits" and he is not a very good friend...or rather, you are not his best friend. If he chooses all these other people over you to do things with and basically ignores you except when he wants sex or there's nobody else around to do something with, you are getting the real shaft in this deal.

 

I don't think he has a problem at all. You do. There has got to be an underlying reason why you would want to remain with a man his age who does not know how to treat a woman and there's got to be a reason why you are willing to settle for so much less in a relationship than you deserve.

 

This is so, so sad because I sense that you love the guy...I just don't understand why. It is so possible to feel chemistry for the wrong person and I think that's what's happening here. Stick with this guy and you're in for a very lonely life.

 

Don't snap at him but have one more cool, calm discussion and let him know you won't be treated like a second class citizen by the guy who is supposed to be your number one. If he doesn't change real fast, you need to break up with him real fast.

[kali3272]

Hi Tony. Thanks for responding so quickly. I totally agree with you on the fact that he does not know how to treat women. I see the influences of his family really hampering his abilities here. I also agree that I deserve much better. I do stay, though, and here's why.

 

It's not really a friendship with benefits. Sex is great, but not the major part of our relationship. Talking is. He calls me every day. We talk to each other more than we talk to anyone else. (I actually know this for a fact) When we have a problem or are stressed, we confide in each other. He has established patterns of who he hangs out with and when he hangs out with them. He was alone for 31 years before I came along. It's a pattern that he may not be willing to change.

 

I can see where you are right in a lot of things you say. However, there actually has been VERY slow but steady progress over time. ( We've had many talks...) He is reliable now, where before he never was. He calls to check in now, when before he never did. We regularly spend time together every week, although not always at my convenience , whereas before, we would not get to spend any time together. When I tell him that I am upset about something, it usually gets a little better.

 

I do have issues with his basic selfishness and his lack of consideration for me. Also at major issue is his lack of willingness to include me in family events. But given the fact that he has slowly improved, I guess my question is: how long do I wait before I give up? And how much work in a relationship is too much work? Thanks.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "how long do I wait before I give up? And how much work in a relationship is too much work?"

 

You are the only human being in the world who can answer these questions for your unique situation. Go with your feelings...but listen to them and don't deceive yourself. Most people in similar situations feel one thing but hope for something else and it doesn't work that way.

 

Good luck!

[Auntie]

Hey, I agree with Tony, he seems to give good advice! But I look at the situation that you have posted, and I see it, like this: You are not completely happy here, although he has some good traits that you like, there are still many that you don't agree with! Him never spending time with you, and choosing other to do all the exciting things is not right! Most people want to experience things with the one they love, he chooses not to, and as long as he gets away with this, he will not change! I understand that he has been alone, and that he is used to the way it has been, but he made the choice to start this realtionship, and that means he has to hold up on his end of the realtionship, he is not doing that, you need that to be completely happy it seems! Good luck