He's married...but he's interested in me?

[chill chic]

I have been talking to this guy that I met awhile back, when I used to work at the hospital. He is a pharmaceutical rep so he'd come in the office every so often, but he'd always flirt & smile at me, so I thought..hmm..I'll have to get his number. Well I was too chicken, but my coworker asked him for his business card, and she told me that he didn't have a wedding ring on. Well I kept his card but I didn't act on anything because I was just breaking up with my ex at the time. So...now after about 2 years we get back in contact through myspace, and we've now reconnected, again being flirty and everything. Well, he has been hinting at me that he wants to get together with me, and he had invited me to his bday party but said that he'd tell his wife to stay home. I was like what? So I looked at his myspace closer and it said married status. Uh I should've looked a lil harder. But we had been discussing to get together to do business because he used to do insurance like I'm doing now. BUT getting back at the bday party. I didn't end up going and told him that it would be weird. So he understood, and I told him that I'm a lil weary and maybe we should just keep it at business level. Well he emailed me back and told me that his marriage isn't going well, and he misses the affectionate part of his relationship, apparently his wife isn't lovey dovey wth him or whatever. I told him I didn't want to be just a piece of a** to him, and he told me that he wants someone that he can enjoy life with and do things with, and of course be affectionate at the same time. He even said if he could turn back time, he would've asked me out right then and there at the hospital but he couldn't because he couldn't date employees of his work field, as in he couldn't date whoever he promoted medicine for. Well anyway, he was being honest with me and I was being honest with him, and he wants to see where it goes. BUT he is still married to her, and I don't know if his grief is enough to divorce her, but he said he jumped into things too soon with her, so I'm thinking he's having second thoughts? I don't know.

Please help because I've never been involved with a married man before.

[whichwayisup]

How do you know he's being honest with you? Come on.........

 

Please, go read some threads in this section.

 

The man is lying to his wife, so don't think he wouldn't lie to you as well.

 

If you really like him, tell him to call you when he's divorced his wife. Even if he tries to convince you their marriage sucks etc, don't date him.

I mean, if he really was unhappy in his marriage and wanted out, why isn't he doing something about it now? Why is he trying to get with you?? If a man (or a woman) wants to leave a bad marriage, they will.

 

Does he have children?

[chill chic]

How do you know he's being honest with you? Come on.........

 

Please, go read some threads in this section.

 

The man is lying to his wife, so don't think he wouldn't lie to you as well.

 

If you really like him, tell him to call you when he's divorced his wife. Even if he tries to convince you their marriage sucks etc, don't date him.

I mean, if he really was unhappy in his marriage and wanted out, why isn't he doing something about it now? Why is he trying to get with you?? If a man (or a woman) wants to leave a bad marriage, they will.

 

Does he have children?

 

you're right though, and I should be careful about this. I actually asked him on the sly if he is currently seperated or going through divorce, and he kinda didn't answer it. he wants to meet up on saturday night, and I'll be with my girl friends, so we can talk then about things, and that way I'll know more about where he's going with this, and I can tell for myself his "vibe" about this whole thing. but if he's just wanting to hit the sack with someone because he's not getting it at home, then I'll tell him to call me when he divorces his wife, even if I know he's still married and living with her, I'll do the same thing. but no he doesn't have any children.

[whichwayisup]

You don't need to date some married guy! You're better than that! Don't help him cheat on his wife and be the OW in his life. Go read some threads posted by some of the OW in this section.

 

Seriously, what good can come of it if you do get involved with him? Forget in the heat of the moment...He really isn't available to make any real committment to you, so keep your eyes open around him and don't be fooled by his words. Ask ANY man this, but guys say stuff so they can get laid.

[norajane]

Since he isn't divorced NOW, why would you even consider getting involved with him? Regardless of his intentions, he is married and not divorced = not available to date.

[chill chic]

thanks for your advice, I needed that to give me the strength to tell him, which I just did through email. I feel alot better now that I've told him my thoughts and that when he's divorced we can do whatever we want, but until then, out of respect for everyone involved, I will not be anything more than just a friend with him. I told him all of this before, and if we meet up on saturday then we can talk as friends but nothing more and I'd be with my friends, so he can hang around if he wants but that's it. Wow, I feel so much better though that I've told him my thoughts about it, and stood up for myself, letting him know that it's just not right.

[whichwayisup]

Don't meet up with him alone, ever. That is just putting yourself in a situation that could lead to other things.

 

In the future if he flirts or tries to talk real personal, try to stay away from crossing the lines. That will help you detach and also show him that you have enough self respect to set up boundries that he isn't allowed to cross, seeing as he's married and acting very inappropriately.

[chill chic]

Don't meet up with him alone, ever. That is just putting yourself in a situation that could lead to other things.

 

In the future if he flirts or tries to talk real personal, try to stay away from crossing the lines. That will help you detach and also show him that you have enough self respect to set up boundries that he isn't allowed to cross, seeing as he's married and acting very inappropriately.

 

you have a point, and yes I would say he's acting very inappropriately. I will be with my friends that night, so I won't be alone with him, nor will I ever be.

this is actually the note I just wrote back to him, which I'm sure he'll be reading in the morning

"I've just been thinking about all of this, and I just want you to know that I seriously can't get involved with a married guy. And of course we can be friends, help each other out if you ever need someone to talk about, or discuss business and what not, but thinking it could become a fun fling or satisfying the affectionate part that you are missing from your marriage, just wouldn't be right, out of respect for everyone involved. Sorry if I'm looking too far into this, but as we've talked it seems more that we are getting too hyped up for something that could be a disaster. So..with that said, if you still want to go out saturday night, we can talk and everything, but I'm just going to hold my affectionate side, just so you know. and like I said, I'm just saying all of this, not trying to look too far into it, but by the way we've been talking, it's something that I had to let you know, and to be real with you about. I honestly don't want to get hurt again by anyone, and I know you're still married, and probably live with your wife, so it would just be a tough situation, unless you were divorced. We're open right? well I'm being open about this with you. I hope you understand at least."

 

was that a good note?

[chill chic]

please someone tell me if that was a good, clear message to him?

[Guest]

You did the right thing and I am so proud of you ! I wish I could have been as strong as you. You will not regret this, you just saved yourself (and possibly his wife) from a lot of heartache and pain.

 

/hugs

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well he emailed me back and told me that his marriage isn't going well, and he misses the affectionate part of his relationship, apparently his wife isn't lovey dovey wth him or whatever.

 

Honestly, would you expect him to say something different? It isn't as easy to land an OW if you tell her that you are fairly happy in your marriage and will never leave, but a tad bored nonetheless and looking for some convenient and discreet tail on the side.

 

Your message was fairly clear, but he is simply going to interpret it as a challenge - something he needs to try harder at. Be prepared to be overwhelmed with attention and 'swept off your feet' and be doubly prepared for the old "I will divorce my wife for you"/hinting at divorce bullsh*t. MM will pretty much say or do whatever the OW wants to hear at this stage in the game in order to better his chances at getting her in the sack.

 

I expect after a few outings as "friends" this guy will do everything in your power to convince you that you two are 'soulmates', that he is 'happier than he's ever been with his wife', that you have 'woken up his heart', that he has 'never known a love like this', blah, blah, blah.

 

I'm sure his last/current OW heard the same stuff.

[Erik]

Be VERY careful.

 

But... If you want this guy, you can probably get him. Flirt like hell, string him along, but under NO circumstances give him any until he is divorced. And expect he will do the same again, once you are married.

[puddleofmud]

Nope, not a good reply. You are giving him an open door to your life and thus, hope.

By letting him know that you are available as a "friend" you have invited an emotional affair which is what most experience cheaters seek, use and manipulate.

You are now open to hear all about how awful his life, his marriage and every sad thing about him.

This leads to YOU feeling soooo sorry for him and emotionally "caught" in his emotional web web.

This is how physical affairs begin and experienced cheaters know this and use it at the start--especially those who communicate "on-line" and who travel for business.

He is going to use this so called friendship to wear you down to his point of view. Either with meeting you with friends or alone--he'll find his chances to be pathetic and needy.

Plus, you really don't know if what he says about his spouse is the truth? How would you feel if you were a wife and your husband has a female "friend" that talks about you to her??? That is talking about leaving her? How mean...is that the kind of man one could trust?

Last but not least: married persons do not have single available "friends". This is inappropriate on his part and YOURS.

Take heed and don't meet him, cut him from your myspace and don't bother.

[Seen_It_All]

...so we can talk then about things, and that way I'll know more about where he's going with this, and I can tell for myself his "vibe" about this whole thing.

 

What's the DIFFERENCE whether he's just looking to get laid or is looking for something 'more?' And defining 'more,' it's STILL scraps. What's the POINT of wasting your life on some loser like this?

 

Secondly, surely you don't think you're the FIRST he's played this game with? Oh, the liar will tell you that YOU'RE the first, but it's total bullsh*t. He's as transparent as GLASS.

 

but no he doesn't have any children.

 

Then he's home free, right? He doesn't have that usual trump card of "I can't leave because of the children' that they all use. And YET, he's still home. Funny, that. Guess the marriage ain't as bad as he's painting it. The simple TRUTH is that the pig is looking for a little side excitement, and you're his NEXT target. And I repeat - you ain't the first and you won't be the LAST.

 

Do yourself a HUGE favor and keep your self-respect - don't lower yourself to being this a*sshole's dirty little secret. Tell the loser to use his pathetic lines on someone whose stupid enough to believe them.

[SoleMate]

A great way to check his sincerity would be to ask for his wife's phone number so you can call her and tell her about the friendship you're developing. And you can also let her know that her husband would like more affection from her at home, and that he feels they jumped into their marriage too quickly and that it's not going well.

 

Urrggghhhhh...with all these "help me a married man is interested should I become his piece on the side" posts, I'm about ready to bring back Victorian-era chaperones for unmarried women until the age of 30.

[pricillia]

CCHick

 

You are a grown woman however, Take it from someone who is in the situation that you may be putting yourself in, I would not get involved with him at all you are just asking for heartache and pain, but do it if you like that sort of thing. It is great to connect with someone however, he is probabaly not telling you the truth and just telling you what you want to hear.

 

What ever "vibes that you get from him are probably going to be clouded by your feelings that you seem to already have.

 

You mentioned that you were going to go out with him to "talk" but you know I think that you should steer clear and not even put yourself into that situation.

 

How are you going to feel when and if you develop stronger feelings for him and you want and need more from him then he could possibly give to you. I will tell you in advance that you will not be happy with the situation unless you want a relationship with no strings attached. Please do not be fooled my a sweet talkin MM.

[Salicious Crumb]

but he said he jumped into things too soon with her, so I'm thinking he's having second thoughts? I don't know.

Please help because I've never been involved with a married man before.

 

Or more than likely, he is just fine with his wife, but he wants someone new to hop in the sack with and he is feeding you a line of BS so he can do just that.

 

Come on..he's married and wants to cheat on his wife, if he already hasn't. Why do women get sucked in by jackasses like this then complain when they realize they are, in fact, as$$holes??