Approaching that stranger that you're attracted to...

[Tigerlily]

Ok guys. I've perused the boards and I've seen some extremely good advice. So, I'm back for more (lucky you!!)

 

If you read my previous post, you would have seen the part where I mention that I'm "useless at approaching guys". Boy, do I need a bit of advice/encouragement in that department.

 

I've been single for quite some time now and my friends were telling me the other week that a great deal of it has to do with not taking the initiative to approach a guy. One of my male friends made a really good point that it goes both ways - while I'm sitting there admiring a guy and being to afraid to approach him, there's every chance that he'd be feeling the same way. I absolutely believe that. Another of my friends believes that most guys wouldn't knock me back (fine, as long as they're not married or taken).

 

But - I think there's a lot more to it than that. I'd like a guy to be interested in what I have to say. In a social situation, I'm rather outgoing and extremely easy to talk to. I can talk underwater. I'm extremely approachable, yet most of my friends believe that I'm probably a bit intimidating to approach, supposedly because of how I look. Without sounding conceited (I've probably blown that with that statement), most of my male friends think I'm "A stunner". Okaaaaay.......apparently that equates with "not looking like I'd be single".....

 

But - I'm only terrified of initiating contact around people who I'm not attracted to. For some reason, when I'm attracted to a guy, I'm instantly intimidated by that attraction and any attempt I could make to initiate conversation would leave me standing there like Beavis and Butthead ("hehe-hehe...duh-d-d-duh-duh").

 

Ok, let me cut to the chase: I see a guy, amongst a group of people, (uh-oh - intimidating enough) and I want to approach him. What in tarnation do I bloody well say?? "Hi, my name's [ ] and it's my goal in life to make the world's longest paper clip chain", doesn't quite cut it. I'd like to be a bit more original than "Can a buy you a drink?", or, "Do you come here often?".

 

I've tried to tell myself that the worst thing that can happen is I'd get a "not interested". Of course, there's the 50% chance I'd get an "I'm interested". But still......those nerves ALWAYS get in the way and I draw a mental blank!!!! The crazy part is that I'm actually a confident person. I have a rather healthy self-esteem....just not when it comes to making the first move.

 

Anyone got any good pick-up lines, or comments that could break the ice?? What lines have worked for you in the past that have really peaked someone's interest (and nuffin' trashy!!)

 

Thanking you!!

[Tony T]

First of all, I've dreamed my entire lifetime of meeting a lady whose main goal in life was to make the world's longest paperclip chain...so you have my heart forever.

 

Guys, girls, people in general don't really enjoy pick-up lines. They like a nice direct approach.

 

There are places, such as bars, where people in general go and expect to be approached. I will say that most guys do not go with the expectation of having a beautiful woman approach them. They usually feel the necessity of doing the approaching...so, if a wonderful lady walks up to them they are usually very pleased and, if circumstances are right, the are ready to respond very positively. "Hi, I just saw you and wanted to say hello and get your name..." That's all it takes.

 

You can use this approach anywhere...in clubs, at work, at church, downtown, at the shopping mall, in the library, at the laundry...wherever you happen to run into somebody you are attracted to.

 

Guys are the ones who are normally traumatized by these meeting situations because there is simply no way of knowing what response they will get.

 

Rejection is the number one fear in the world...it is absolutely worse than the fear of death. I suppose that's because you can't avoid dying eventually no matter what you do...but you can avoid rejection by crawling in a cave and remaining there until you die.

 

Let rejection be your friend, and it is...ABSOLUTELY. Rejection is my friend because:

1. It saves me time screwing around with somebody who is not interested.

2. It makes me stronger and gives me confidence that I can withstand a bit of emotional pain and get through it.

3. Best of all, each rejection brings me closer to the love of my life.

 

And remember, when someone you walk up to rejects you...they ARE NOT REALLY REJECTING YOU!!! Hell, they don't even know you...how can they reject you??? They are rejecting the idea of striking up a conversation with you. Could be that their girlfriend is in the bathroom and will be back at any minute. Could be that they are there waiting for the gal they met the previous week. Could be they have just broken up with somebody and are depressed. Could be they just ran out of money and don't have the funds to buy you a drink. Maybe they don't own a car. Maybe they are gay. Hey, there are just so many reasons a guy may reject the idea of purusing you...or accepting your approach...and all of those have absolutely nothing to do with you...BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!!!

 

It is impossible to reject somebody if you don't even know them. What is being rejected is an idea or circumstance....it has nothing at all to do with the person being turned down.

 

So work on thinking about being friends with rejection, not letting it scare you. It won't kill you...it doesn't even have to feel awkward if you don't let it. It's truly great and nothing to be feared.

 

(Needless to say, I'm assuming in these settings you are well groomed with nice breath and wearing a mild, pleasant smelling cologne or perfume that's not overbearing.)

 

The greatest, richest, most beloved actors in the entertainment business were mired in rejection early on in their careers. Audition after audion and no call back....then one day, the right part arrives and the rest is history. Most successful people have to bathe in rejection in getting started.

 

I think fear of rejection is what keeps a lot of people out of the dating scene and on Internet chatting and dating sites, where they don't have to face people and don't have to risk being rejected.

 

Cripes...I would be in a terrible situation if every girl I approached fell instantly in love with me. I couldn't handle it. All I want is one lady to love and cherish me forever and if it takes being rejected 500 times to get to her...by God I'm just delighted to go through that.

 

Now, get out there and take some risks...and don't use stupid pick up lines. Just let them know you want to meet them. And if they say "not interested" say...thank you, thank you, thank you...you have helped me get closer to the love of my life.

 

What you concern tells me is that you probably have a really hard time rejecting moves made on you because you empathize with what the guys are going through and you don't want to inflict pain upon them. Let this not be the case, either. Rejecting somebody you may not want to get involved with is doing both of you a very major favor. Never get into an unwanted exchange just because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. They will get over it quick...and Mr. Right may be just around the corner.

 

Good luck. And if push comes to shove I would be delighted to marry you if you would make me paperclip chains every day.

[clia]

I think the best approach is to approach them in a way that does not make it seem like you are trying to pick them up.

 

For example,

 

If you are at a bar: Wait until he walks up to the bar to get a drink. Oh my, isn't it time to refill your drink? Run up there and grab a spot next to him. At this point, since you are standing next to him, you have the perfect opportunity to say something off handedly. If there is a football game or other sporting event on the TV above the bar, you are all set. Make some a cavalier comment about the game. ("God, I hope the Packers can pull this off.") If the bar is crowded, make a comment on the lack of bartenders. If he ordered an interesting looking drink, ask him what it is. Heck, if you like is shirt, compliment him on that. (But only if you really like it.) Anything that is just light, flirty, and casual. At this point, you have initiated conversation, and thrown the ball in his court. If he looks over and likes what he sees, chances are, he will continue the conversation.

 

If you are anywhere else: The same thing basically applies. You can use this while you are waiting in a long line at the supermarket ("This is the slowest cashier operator on Earth!"), at a restaurant ("Excuse me, would you mind telling me what you ordered? It looks delicious!"), at the book store ("Excuse me, but that is a fabulous book!"), at a clothing store if he's looking at a shirt ("That color would be great on you!"--then walk away), etc.

 

I think guys are just looking for an "in", a lot of times. "Ins" are very easy to provide without looking stupid. I mean, surely you randomly talk to strangers all the time in situations like the above. It's no different with a guy you are interested in, except of course, that it is a little more scary. With practice, you will get good at this, and will meet tons of guys.

[beachbabi]

I don't have alot of self estem either, however i have approached a few guys and asked them out.

 

I have had a 50/50 response rate so far, and the list of guys can still be counted on one hand.

 

I think the best approached that has worked for me is not feeling like it is a problem with you if they reject you. If a guy isn't interested in getting to know you after you make the effort to make conversation, then just think of it as his loss.

 

Sure it hurts when you get rejected, but they are the ones missing out on a wonderful person like you.

 

Learning to approach guys in different ways is also quite character building and helps build my confidence. It gets easier over time.

:-)

[Jacqui]

I am quite attractive and go out a lot, and also have an issue with approaching guys. While I think that having a couple (of hundred) drinks helps, the key is confidence and, as Tony said, not being afraid of rejection.

 

Clia's advice is great, and I use those tactics to great success. You don't really have to 'put yourself out there' or be obvious about it, you just need to let them know you're approachable. Of course, the 'eyes across the room' is the best way, but some guys are so thick they don't get it and it requires something more obvious, such as "accidently" bumping into them and saying 'sorry' with a naugty smile while moving on. More often than not they'll find you later on in the night. If they don't make the effort, they're not worth it.

 

I find that I am not really attracted to guys who aren't confident enough to make the first move, so I don't like striking up a conversation with someone I find attractive. I prefer to let them get the hint and approach me. However, at the end of the night if I've had no success I usually end up sidling up to a stranger. Hm.

 

One bad thing about hitting on guys, however, is that I often wind up in situations where I'M doing the chasing. If I'm the first to make an effort that creates a precedent for the relationship and I always end up being the one making the effort. But we learn from every experience.

 

Just remember you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. He's out there.

[Pookette]

Just remember you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.

 

That's my mantra!

 

If you go out to bars, try playing a game of pool. Chances are a guy will ask if he can play a game with you. Or you could flip it around and ask him if you could shoot a quick game with him. If you're a horrible player you can ask him for pointers. If you're a great player, you can impress the heck out of him. Either way a conversation is bound to happen.

 

Just my two cents.