I'm being replaced

[polywog]

This morning I came "home" and saw that the ex was here, sleeping in his room. On a crazy impulse, against better judgement but going with my heart I knocked on the door, and ended up lying on the bed next to him. We talked, and it was very healing. I admit we held each other. We talked about how sad it is that it didn't work out, and he told me how awful he knew it was for me to leave this house, and understood that it was hard and overwhelming for me to pack it all up. He admitted that the weight thing was just an excuse. He told me that he never fell in love with me, but kept wishing he could. He told me that I am a terrific person. We both got very emotional, but I could feel all the walls he has up and made sure that I honored that and gave that space.

 

It turns out that he isn't involved that woman any more, tho I didn't mention that I'd seen her stuff in the garage. Evidently she has left town for a few months or so, and he told me that he didn't love her, but that it was just an unexpected thing that happened. I guess he just put her things there for her because she moved out of her place.

 

It was bittersweet, to say the least. I felt a sense of some sort of healing, because so much was finally acknowledged and brought into the light, but the hard part for me now is that there is some primitive deep thing in my soul that is holding onto hope that once I'm out, and he goes back to life here without me, he'll have some revelation. I mean, I have painted a picture of him as a neanderthal jerk here, but when we communicate like this, something we haven't done for over a year now, it's hard not to see the potential for what we could have if we kept the channels open (something I seem to be good at, but really I'm not, with my own fears of intimacy).

 

However, I know that I have to move on. I'm just letting myself have these feelings of hope because it's impossible not to. But I am still moving out and on. Scared sh*tless, but going through with it. He said he never fell in love with me, he broke up with me, and those are the facts. And he hasn't changed his mind.

 

sigh:sick:

 

Just had to write it here.

[magichands]

He told me that he never fell in love with me, but kept wishing he could.

I would be very surprised if he wasn't talking out of his arse.

[Ssheena]

That's sad. I'm glad you can see the good that came from your talk but it's just sad. Just put your head down and plug away and remember - it's his loss.

 

BIG HUGS.

[polywog]

I would be very surprised if he wasn't talking out of his arse.

 

I think/suspect so, too. He grew up in a family that seems close and healthy, but his father was/is a total bully to his mother that is a woman very similar to me, in many ways. His father also bullied the kids (the Great Santini" type) and they had a tough childhood. In other words, he did not grow up around a healthy marriage. I see how his siblings suffer from it in various ways in their relationships.

 

His parents are Catholic and from another generation, and now it has mellowed between them and they're happy growing old together.

 

If I did not think he loved me, I don't think I'd have stuck around all these years, but the past two years have been rough... we have both been distant.

 

I confess that I can be aloof and have a lot of my own interests and hobbies that I am happy to persue alone, but I am very loving and loyal. Fiercely so. I'm also happy to have a partner who does his own thing, and in fact expect that in a mate. As long as we have a sweet home together... a strong, lovely happy domestic life, which I thought we had (except there was tension in the past 2 years). Maybe he wanted someone who was more wimpy than I. I can't begin to second-guess, or I'll go down an unhelpful road to a deep pit.

[polywog]

That's sad. I'm glad you can see the good that came from your talk but it's just sad. Just put your head down and plug away and remember - it's his loss.

 

BIG HUGS.

 

Thanks Ssheena. I think you were the one that recommended that book, "Good Women". I got it out of the library and am trying to read the story about the garden. It's incredible, but it makes me so sad that I have to keep putting it down!

[Ssheena]

Yup that was me. I'm sure you can see why I thought of you now. I hope you enjoy it - even in small chunks.

 

Take care - especially on long Friday nights and the weekends. Yuck.

[dropdeadlegs]

polywog, having given it more thought, the good times I remembered in reference to a new place were about having something new of my own. I completely disregarded my last first new night in the place I currently occupy. That pretty much sucked, as I wasn't at all happy about moving from the house I think I referenced earlier in this thread ( or maybe it was another one.)

 

I'm glad you have Rex. He's gorgeous.

 

While this place is temporary, your true home is going to be a better experience.

 

Given all your thoughts about your ex, I understand that he is not an awful person. You loved him and were simply venting, which can be very cathartic. I took it all with a grain of salt. I'm glad that you had that talk about things. I'm sorry about some of the things he said, and glad that he admitted that others were bogus.

 

You are going to be so okay. Again, I can't help but comment on the healthy way you have dealt with such a serious blow.

 

May we one day share a bottle of wine!

[magichands]

I'm glad you have Rex. He's gorgeous.

New boyfriend, already?! Does he wake you up by slobbering all over your face?

[marlena]

Polywog,

He will live to regret it for, you are, judging from your posts, a lovely person. Of this I can assure. What comes round goes round and the dagger of carma is most definitely hanging over his head!!! I know.. I have seen it happen time and time again. We all pay are dues in this lifetime and he will pay his, have not a shred of doubt!!! Of course, it has nothing to do with your weight. The idea is preposterous to say the least!!!! It's this new person in his life and of course his oh so base character! I understand you love him for nine years can bond you to just anybody. I would definitely go into ANGRY mode and that will sustain you for a while before the other stages of healing come to pass!!! Anger will make you see the injustice of his cruelty to you and make you ultimately never want to be in the shadow even of such a vile person!!! About salvaging the house, look into your legal options and keep posting!!! All of us here will be sending out their positive energy ...from us you will draw strength to thwart those poisoned arrows...Remember you are the BETTER person!!! Try to comfort from any source you can ..you only know what works for you!

 

ALways here

[polywog]

Polywog,

He will live to regret it for, you are, judging from your posts, a lovely person. Of this I can assure. What comes round goes round and the dagger of carma is most definitely hanging over his head!!! I know.. I have seen it happen time and time again. We all pay are dues in this lifetime and he will pay his, have not a shred of doubt!!! Of course, it has nothing to do with your weight. The idea is preposterous to say the least!!!! It's this new person in his life and of course his oh so base character! I understand you love him for nine years can bond you to just anybody. I would definitely go into ANGRY mode and that will sustain you for a while before the other stages of healing come to pass!!! Anger will make you see the injustice of his cruelty to you and make you ultimately never want to be in the shadow even of such a vile person!!! About salvaging the house, look into your legal options and keep posting!!! All of us here will be sending out their positive energy ...from us you will draw strength to thwart those poisoned arrows...Remember you are the BETTER person!!! Try to comfort from any source you can ..you only know what works for you!

 

ALways here

 

Thanks marlena, for your support!

As for the poison arrows and all, yes I do have vengeful karma thoughts, of course, but my temperament is just not a vengeful one, I mean myabe in my head, but not in my actions . I did just love all the evil suggestions that were posted by my LS pals earlier, tho!

 

For my "revenge", I guess my hope is that my absence will be enough. When he no longer has a beautiful home, a supportive and loving SO, a woman who knew how to turn him on and make him feel like the sexiest man in the world (which I felt for him, & let him know it), who made a big abundant garden and filled the kitchen with organic vegetables and vases of my flowers all summer, who cooked us fabulous healthy dinners, who made neighbors and his friends feel welcome, who filled the house with life. I rarely nagged him or criticised him because I just let him be his eccentric self. And I still love him, even though I know I can't long for him and must move on and find a mate who does (hopefully).

 

My anger at him is really just anger at the world, how I didn't get what I want. And I just can't do anything about that accept mourn my fate.

[polywog]

polywog, having given it more thought, the good times I remembered in reference to a new place were about having something new of my own. I completely disregarded my last first new night in the place I currently occupy. That pretty much sucked, as I wasn't at all happy about moving from the house I think I referenced earlier in this thread ( or maybe it was another one.)

 

Yes, I've thought about what happened to you in your earlier post a lot, and it's helped me with what I'm going through because you are an inspiration to me.

 

I'm glad you have Rex. He's gorgeous.

 

His name's actually Leo, and he's the best. We are sharing him. He's been depressed by the breakup because the pack is no longer together

 

While this place is temporary, your true home is going to be a better experience.

 

God, I hope so. It's just killing me to leave here, and I just can't imagine a place more perfect for me

 

 

Given all your thoughts about your ex, I understand that he is not an awful person. You loved him and were simply venting, which can be very cathartic. I took it all with a grain of salt. I'm glad that you had that talk about things. I'm sorry about some of the things he said, and glad that he admitted that others were bogus.

 

I still just can't believe that after all these years he really doesn't love me, but it was a good talk. He's not awful, I guess, but it's hard to imagine that he doesn't/didn't love me The person he truly loved before me was his wife, who is an addict and mess, and screwed around behind his back. It's hard to fathom what makes him love someone.

 

You are going to be so okay. Again, I can't help but comment on the healthy way you have dealt with such a serious blow.

 

May we one day share a bottle of wine!

 

Your kind words are making me teary... and fueling my hope...thanks..

[polywog]

New boyfriend, already?! Does he wake you up by slobbering all over your face?

 

Yes, I confess to you magic, that I have already found my ideal mate. He's blonde, huge, kind, adores me, and doesn't talk.

[polywog]

Hey all,

Your kind posts have meant more than I can say, and I am grateful beyond words, even for magic's silly posts which are embedded with his weird sort of concern (I think).

 

I slept again in my new temporary home, the tidy little basement apartment, and woke up to the sound of birds chirping, which made me sad because they are not my birds. Still had the deep longing for this place (I'm here at the non-home as I write).

 

When I got in the door the place smelled like it did when I met him and it was a batchelor pad; like beer, pot, and boys. I went into the finished basement-pool room, and he'd cleared his pool table of all it's junk (it's been a work table for him for about a year now). Obviously some guys were over last night to play pool, and there were ashtrays overflowing with Maroboro butts, and Guinnes bottles (his house beer) were sitting on the tables.

 

I never had any issue with him playing pool with his buddies, in fact encouraged it because it's fun and what he loves to do, but it seems that in his head I represented some ball and chain type person who he couldn't do this activity around. Despite that I used to love to lurk around while the boys did it. In fact, when he broke up with me he said, "Now I can play pool again". WTF? Like I ever stopped that?? I used to ask him why he didn't do it anymore! Guess it's some symbol of batchelorhood to him.

 

It is screaming male mid-life crisis to me. That a solid relationship represents some sort of imprisonment, maybe. Or maybe I'm just looking for reasons here that he dumped me. Maybe he just didn't want me.

 

Painful!

[polywog]

OK, today I finally began to seriously take down all my stuff from the walls that made our house look like my place and began to seriously pack. My friend and next door neighbor agreed to help me, thinking that the moral support to get started would help and get the ball rolling.

 

It really did help. But god, it was painful. Why is this so hard? I knew I had to move on, and I know it's healthy in the end, but it's as if my heart is being ripped out by leaving.

 

I just am having so much trouble giving up some sort of hope.

 

[MagnoliaJane]

Poly,

 

I know it's hard on you now. But home is where the heart is, and you sound like the kind of woman who can let her heart make a new home elsewhere.

 

This is your chance for a new, fresh start.

 

And while we are all afraid of the unknown, it is always scarier before we start down that path. Once we are on the path it unfolds itself spontaneously.

 

Remember a house is just a bunch of brick. The memories you can take with you.

 

And birds somewhere are already looking forward to the day they will be your birds.

 

It ain't going to be that bad, you'll see.

[Art_Critic]

It really did help. But god, it was painful. Why is this so hard? I knew I had to move on, and I know it's healthy in the end, but it's as if my heart is being ripped out by leaving.

 

It is hard because you are emotionally invested in him and the relationship..

 

The old saying that time fixes a broken heart is true.. My heart was ripped in two and pummeled by someone a few years ago and I thought I would never get over the hurt or feel in love like I was again..

I was wrong.. I got over her and those love feelings now belong to someone else..it does happen..

 

Hugs girl.. it does get easier.. you are facing the hard part right now but you will get thru it and then you will see that you will be fine..

[magichands]

, even for magic's silly posts which are embedded with his weird sort of concern (I think).

If it's not obvious, I want to give you a hug. One of those manly ones where we grunt, and heartily slap each other's back. And then readjust our balls (separately).

 

I think I do - at least to some extent - understand what you are going through with the house. I came to my own conclusion that home is wherever you hang your hat, because you carry your life and all its memories around in your heart. I know you have your things, and that will help a lot, but the most important things to me are those memories and moments that make me feel so lucky to be me - even if they are tinged with painful circumstances.

 

I know you love the house, but it doesn't define you. Being in the house might make it easier to remember the good times (and the bad times), but the house didn't make the memories - you did. And you will go on being you, no matter where you hang your hat.

 

Letting go is very hard. I haven't let go of the memories, though.

[AriaIncognito]

Polywog,

 

My heart is breaking for you. I so understand how badly it feels to hear from someone that you thought loved you say "i wasn't able to fall in love with you, i wish I could". I've heard that very thing from my recent ex, and it hurts beyond belief. I wish there was something I could do or say to make any of this easier for you. To deal with this and moving at the same time is very hard, I know that as well as I had lived with another ex of mine and we broke up and I had to pack (this was back in 2000). I thought I'd never love again. I think that again now. I guess we all know deep down, that it isn't true, we just aren't ready to give up the hopes we had in our last relationships, yet. But someday, I truly hope, we will all be posting here and will be happily involved or married with children and a whole new set of problems :-)

 

Hugs to you poly. You're a very strong woman, try to remember that. You aren't going to feel like you are, but believe me, you are.

[magichands]

But someday, I truly hope, we will all be posting here and will be happily involved or married with children and a whole new set of problems :-)

What I wouldn't give for a whole new set of problems. The old ones are getting really, well... old.

You're a very strong woman, try to remember that. You aren't going to feel like you are, but believe me, you are.

Interesting. How much do you think she can bench? Maybe the truth is that you're a little too rough in bed. I'm just saying. Because those other reasons he gave are such bullsh*t.

[polywog]

What I wouldn't give for a whole new set of problems. The old ones are getting really, well... old.

 

Interesting. How much do you think she can bench? Maybe the truth is that you're a little too rough in bed. I'm just saying. Because those other reasons he gave are such bullsh*t.

 

You mean I'm too rough in bed? Or ariawoman? Yeah, I can be quite demanding. A bit too much. That's it. That's why he wants me out.

[polywog]

If it's not obvious, I want to give you a hug. One of those manly ones where we grunt, and heartily slap each other's back. And then readjust our balls (separately).

 

I think I do - at least to some extent - understand what you are going through with the house. I came to my own conclusion that home is wherever you hang your hat, because you carry your life and all its memories around in your heart. I know you have your things, and that will help a lot, but the most important things to me are those memories and moments that make me feel so lucky to be me - even if they are tinged with painful circumstances.

 

I know you love the house, but it doesn't define you. Being in the house might make it easier to remember the good times (and the bad times), but the house didn't make the memories - you did. And you will go on being you, no matter where you hang your hat.

 

Letting go is very hard. I haven't let go of the memories, though.

 

Thanks magic. I'm a bit like a cat, or those squirrels that are so hard to get rid of, I get ridiculously attached to places, to my territory, my nest.

 

I've only moved a few times in my adult life, unlike most people I know. I think that's it; I haven't really learned how to move and to trust that I can get a place I'll love again, and cherish the memories of here without stabs of grief. This is the first house with a big yard and a garden that I've ever lived in, and real life and home I've made with another (even in my marriage that never happened).

 

I do believe, and know, that I will love again, when I've healed,... that I just somehow know, but I'm in no rush, obviously. This will take a while.

 

I reckon I always felt your sympathy, through your delightful silliness, so I didn't mean to jab you! Well, maybe I did want to poke at you a little.

[Ssheena]

Actually, that was the NICEST most open/honest remark I think I have ever read of magic's. I was in shock. He almost comes across as caring (which I think he is but he just does a good job of hiding it like Alpha).

[polywog]

Actually, that was the NICEST most open/honest remark I think I have ever read of magic's. I was in shock. He almost comes across as caring (which I think he is but he just does a good job of hiding it like Alpha).

 

Well, I did offer on another thread to stroke his trunk. He's just waiting for me to offer again, perhaps, but I'm a bit worn out from packing and fretting.

 

His nice post reminded me of that chapter from "Wind in the Willows" called "The Piper at the Gates of Dawn". Anyone who's read that will understand what I mean!

[polywog]

Hi all you dear supportive LSers,

This is just a venting, I'm just kinda howling like a lonely dog here....so here goes.....

 

I'm still here in the house packing up, it may take me about another week to get the bulk of this stuff packed, then a few days of getting it out (I have help with that part). The packing hasn't made me feel liberated, it's made me feel just sad. Perhaps I had unreaistic expctations that I'd magically transform into some determined strong superpolywog once the momentum started, but not yet.

 

As I pack I have these unrealistic but wild hopes that the ex will just scream out "WAIT, I can't stand to see you go! I'm realizing that I can't live without you! I have realized I LOVE:love: you! Let me show you...(drags me all flustered and weeping into his bedroom and we have wild unbelievable make-up sex, many orgasms, a post coital snooze in each other's arms as the phone rings unanswered and puzzled friends knock on the door, poke their heads in and yell, "ex? polywog? Guess I'll come back later.."

 

And it all works out, we live happily ever after stronger because of the impending end, everything better than ever because we both realized what we were missing. And of course, the pets are relieved because the pack stays intact.

 

Yes, totally unrealistic. But these danged thoughts just whirl about in my poor little traumatized head and I just had to write and down and send it off to LS...

 

Thanks for reading, pals.

[Ripples]

Just read this thread. Have to reiterate what everyone else has said and kudos to you for handling it in the way you are (except for the wild hopes you mention in your last post ) What was said about this new 'girl' being very odd moving in under those circumstances rang very true for me, too. I can see that relationship lasting.

 

You'll get to the transformation phase, maybe not until you and your stuff is moved out, but that's ok. Now it's time to focus on the future. Where are you moving to? Got any plans about your new home? How about having a moving party?