I'm being replaced

[polywog]

I threw in the setter portion because of the red in his fur. Perhaps that's my monitor or the lighting in the pic. He's a big boy but I'll bet he's one big bowl of mush. His expression is so friendly.

 

Wow, speaking of mirrors...although some of his went from EAs to PAs. You have to wonder how because our sex life was amazing. Busy boy. I've got to give him credit for his stamina...ick...

 

Yup, I will survive (Gloria Gaynor, 1978. ) and so will you.

 

The old fashioned goldens tend to have red-gold fur. He is how he looks in the avatar... sweet, friendly and smart.

 

The amazing sex life...yeah, it's the honey that keeps us bees coming back to the hive! Dang those amazing boys... I've a weakness for them, too.

 

Yes, Gloria G.'s right, we will survive to drink that Moet and find good guys to have amazing sex with

[Cossette4]

Hi Poly,

 

Just wanted to see how you were doing today

[polywog]

Hi Poly,

 

Just wanted to see how you were doing today

 

Hi Cossette,

 

I'm hoping that today gets better. I woke up in my new place in just a state of absolute dispair, shaking, wishing I could just go back to sleep and not come back here (I'm at the "house") to continue packing.... it's overwhelming. It's taking forever because it's a houseful, and because I just can't bear to do it for more than a few hours a day at the most.

 

I'm also just still freaked out that I don't know where I will live yet.

 

My ex was making breakfast and offered me some, but I have no appetite.

I was just looking at him wondering how the h*ll he can just casually live admist all my stuff being boxed, knowing I'll no longer be in his life, etc... I feel as if he has an ice cube for a heart. He hasn't really showed any sympathy, just indifference, though he is polite.

 

I know that NC would be a good thing but it's impossible since I have to come here.

 

So that's where I'm at this morning, and it can only get better, I hope.

Ain't you glad you asked and got to hear this sad post ?

[dropdeadlegs]

Good morning, polywog,

 

It's been awhile, but I have gotten myself caught up the events of the past week or so.

 

I'd like to pluck you out of there and place you right into your permanent home, you know. I understand that you have to do things in your own time and at your own pace, but I would be in agony in your shoes. I like my breaks more like band-aid removal - painful, but quick. That's just me, and I am here to support you.

 

The sexual encounter was right up my alley. I always have to have what I call "goodbye" sex. Even is the sex part of the relationship wasn't the best, I still do it one more time, every time. I don't like that about myself, but I have grown to accept it. Sometimes it actually helps me, like I'm consciously taking a step forward by knowing it's the last time. Sometimes it just brings back too much emotion and I wish I hadn't done it. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in that respect, I do it all the time.

 

More often than not, I am the one breaking up, and usually that has been something I should have done long ago. It is much harder to be the one left behind, so to speak. the person going the breaking up has had time to mull over the situation and is usually more at peace with the decision (no news there.)

 

On another thread you indicated that you recognized that you were using alcohol to numb the pain. I have a lot of experience in that area and am proud that you see that it is not a healthy way to cope. Hope that is leveling out, but again, wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this regard. I feel certain that your awareness is the most important step in nipping that in the bud. It can become quite a habit, and a tough one to overcome, but I wish you success.

 

Ideally every day would be easier to bear, but realistically there will be many days that are difficult. Until you are fully removed from the house the hard days may number more than those days filled with strength and hope, but that will turn around more quickly and in short order.

 

Do you have a network of great friends and family support? I have few real friends and no family in my area and that has made things harder in so many ways for me. I hope your support system is better than mine is.

 

May today be a day that's not so bad. May tomorrow be even brighter yet. Your common sense and good nature will get you through, but taking baby steps daily is something to pride yourself on. Keep posting when you need to!

[polywog]

Dropdeadlegs,

You're the best. Your posts really help. I wish I was the ripping the band-aid type! But there have been some logistical problems in my moving my stuff, tho I admit I am putting myself thru the torture by stretching it out for some reason as well.

 

Actually, I think I have an idea why, and it has to do with my life. I mentioned on another thread that my father died when I was a kid. My whole life has been colored by this, though I am bascily a happy person. I never grieved properly, since I was so tiny. At various times in my life I have been in therapy where this has been the main topic. Grief manifests in various ways for me, echoing this big early loss. I think that this break-up and the loss of a home and life I dreamed about has hit particularly hard. It's like I'm facing all the grief in my life all at once here. I suspect that I am wallowing in it out of some need to come to deeper terms with it.

 

The loss of a dad is in many ways the loss of home (stability), and the ex really represented all of it; the home, the domestic life, the fact that he's a real manly man (which in my brain my dad was). He never did offer stability, though. I just clung onto the crumbs that looked like it.

 

I'm slogging through, and just have to trust that how I'm doing this is at the right pace, somehow... that something is being unearthed and healed. Maybe after going through this loss I will finally not be afraid of losing it again and be able to have a truly loving intimate realtionship; something I confess I have never really allowed myself to have.

 

Luckily for me, I've got a great network of friends. Even people I barely know are offering support. While it doesn't change what's happened or my pain, it does make me feel safer, and grateful. Maybe even blessed.

 

Anyhow, just can't wait untill it's done!

[dropdeadlegs]

polywog,

 

I do recall reading about your fathers death at a young age. I can't imagine the effect that must have made on you. You may have something here with the grieving process. I have to believe that every painful event in life somehow teaches us something valuable or else I'd have simply ended the further possibility of more pain long ago. The highs in life wouldn't be so high if we didn't have lows in comparison to make us appreciate the great times.

 

My children's father passed away when they were 3 and 6. The (then) three year old is a boy and the (then) six year old is a girl. It has been almost three years and I think they are doing very well, but who knows what the future will bring and what pain will be dredged up at some points in their lives. I like to imagine that it is easier to be young, but in just as many ways it must be harder. Not fully understanding it all, not knowing how to really grieve.

 

My BF lost his mother when he was 10 and says that it changed his life in the blink of an eye as she died very suddenly, as did my children's father. His world was different in terms of what he describes as day and night. Again, I think he has turned out pretty darn good, but his need for physical and verbal affection is noticeable. He lacked a feminine touch for most of his upbringing, yet he is remarkably self sufficient and doesn't seem to be looking for a Mommy in his adulthood.

 

I suppose we never know how our lives could have been different in these circumstances, and you have given me pause to remember that my kids will certainly have some issues at times. I know a few people who have said that the void was filled by a loving surrogate in some way and that it helped them greatly. Maybe that is my mission, to make sure an appropriate father figure is part of their lives. Thanks for reminding me that I have important work to do, that I have some responsibility in how they cope with their loss.

 

I can see how this mirrors the loss of your father in so many ways.

 

Yes, you must go at your own pace, and it's pretty easy for me to think I know what's best for you, but I don't. My care taking ways just want to wave my magic wand and "poof", it's all better. If only it were that easy.

 

I enjoy your posts, even the pain filled ones, because I see so much in you that impresses me. I learn more about healthy coping all the time on these boards, and I don't feel as emotionally wacky knowing that others have some of the same feelings and reactions that I do to life's travails. You give me as much comfort as I give you, maybe even more.

[polywog]

Hi ddl,

Very kind words...thanks!

 

As for your children's losing their father, I'm so sorry. They will undoubtedly be affected in all sorts of ways growing up, some will make them especially strong and compassionate humans. You know, that whole idea that life throws trials our way and we make the best of them.

 

In my family, there was that attitude of "stiff upper lip". My mom was reeling from the loss, I know, but she had kids to take care of and she took life by the horns and went on. I never saw her cry. Can you believe that? She was pregnant with my only brother and didn't realize it til after dad died. She gave birth to him 8 months after dad's death. We moved to our own home (my parents rented) and had a very good childhood. But my father's death, and the fact that we never really cried or grieved it, really colored things. We talked about him of course, and idealized him and their marriage. But we never just hung out and cried about how sh*tty it was that he was killed.

 

I remember the circumstances around his death vividly, though I was only 5. And I remember, like your bf, that the color went out of the world. I remember starting to disrespect grown ups because they thought that buying me toys or taking me out for ice cream was enough to cheer me up.

This turned me into an independent thinker at a very early age, someone who could see through superficial motives and phoniness (most of the time!).

 

When I was in college as a young artist, I only worked in black and white. At one point, after I was out and was starting to have a little career in art, I became blocked. I went into therapy for the first time, thinking "what the hell am I here for, what am I going to say?" When I walked in the office, I surprisingy began to bawl and talk about my dad, and came to realize that my art was all about grief, and that I wouldn't use color because color is emotions. Wow, that was the first time I saw how much grief I was stuffing down!

 

Having male role models is great for your kids, and you are blessed to have a bf who understands what your children have experienced. I hope that you have contact with his family, and that there are pictures and things to remember him by. MY mother pretty much cut off contact (more or less) with my dad's family which made dealing with the death and loss much harder. She regrets it now.

 

Anyhpw, thanks for your kind words again, dropdeadlegs

[Trialbyfire]

polly, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Hugs and condolences.

[polywog]

polly, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Hugs and condolences.

 

Thanks, TBF...

what's with the wacky new avatar?? Is that you? Or a victim on CSI?

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks, TBF...

what's with the wacky new avatar?? Is that you? Or a victim on CSI?

Most definitely a victim on CSI. I photoshopped out the yellow lines.

 

Yes, it is me. I'm incognito with the pink sunglasses...

[polywog]

Most definitely a victim on CSI. I photoshopped out the yellow lines.

 

Yes, it is me. I'm incognito with the pink sunglasses...

 

Well, you make a great corpse!

 

You should audition for CSI... new way to make $$$$!

[Trialbyfire]

Well, you make a great corpse!

 

You should audition for CSI... new way to make $$$$!

 

Why thank-you. I could make a living being a corpse instead of a consultant.

 

I got caught on camera by my ex after laying on the floor playing with my cat. Not my most elegant or sexy pose. I look flat as a washboard in that pic. :lmao:

[mental_traveller]

5'4 120lbs hmmmm

 

Must be tough after so long, but seriously I doubt you are going to have a problem with guys calling you "fat".

 

P.S. as a bonus, just think - this means his ideal woman is Ann Coulter!

[polywog]

5'4 120lbs hmmmm

 

Must be tough after so long, but seriously I doubt you are going to have a problem with guys calling you "fat".

 

P.S. as a bonus, just think - this means his ideal woman is Ann Coulter!

 

Less that 120... the break-up diet! No appetite, etc.

 

Actually, maybe his ideal woman is a 12 year old boy. 'cept he does like boobs!

[AHIWON]

5'4 120lbs hmmmm

P.S. as a bonus, just think - this means his ideal woman is Ann Coulter!

 

 

Good lord! <shudder>

[dropdeadlegs]

Hi polywog. Hope today has been one of the "better" days.

 

Whatcha doing for Easter?

[polywog]

Hi polywog. Hope today has been one of the "better" days.

 

Whatcha doing for Easter?

 

Hi dropdeadlegs,

Today was much better, thank you. Don't know why. I just feel stronger and less freaked out. Probably helps that for two days I have resisted the desire to numb out with alchohol, which had become a bad habit. A fun habit, but not good while going through all this crap.

 

I'm planning to go up to my studio to work on paintings after I eat something...can't wait. It's been a while!

[dropdeadlegs]

Polywog, that's great that you are painting! I thought today might have been better to your lack of posting on this thread as much.

 

the alcohol numbs, but then again, a depressant also "depresses" and you already have enough of that going on.

 

I'll check in again soon!

[polywog]

Hi all,

It's been a while since I posted, but things are finally getting better. I've definitely had my share of very tough days, though. I still have yet to pack up all (there's a lot..loads) the stuff here at the house, where I'm sitting right now, but at least I'm making progress and haven't been here any more than I have to be, making my new temporary place my "home".

 

I got good news about permanent housing. I'm in a lottery to win an affordable one bedroom unit, brand new, with an art studio. It's for artists who've been fellows at an art colony here, and only a few people have applied; fewer still will qualify to get in, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. The lottery will be in May. If (fingers crossed) I win, I can move in in less than a month! And have my pets! And it's cheap! Even if by some chance I don't get it, I feel optimistic, as I am lucky enough to have lots of people here trying to help me out, and I wasn't expecting the housing lottery to come up this soon.

 

Also, ego-wise, I am being suddenly persued by some great men. I'm not in any shape to get involved right now, but it feels good. One guy, a Very handsome (my type) artist who crawled out to the woodwork, actually came to a tedious Town Meeting (in MA we have town meetings to decide policies, etc. and I am on a town board and had to attend to read a warrant) last night because he knew I'd be there and asked me to have drinks with him afterwards when I skipped out of the auditorium to get something (he followed me out). It had a booty call feeling to it, but h*ll. It created a buzz among people, and after the meeting ended I had all sorts of people approaching me to comment on it, offering advice and opinions on the guy. I didn't meet him (he left after talking to me), but I called him afterwards. Anyhow, I've been approached by other men as well, and it feels good. It's only been 3 months since the break-up, and I am still trying to fall out of love with the ex, and not into "dating" or rebounds (well...maybe sex with no strings attached) so I doubt if anything can come (so to speak) of this stuff, but it's good for the wounded ego.

 

I still need a lot of time to come to terms emotionally with this shattered dream. I know this will take a while. I don't fall out of love easily, for one thing. But at least the outside world has hurled a few gifts my way which has made coping a little less brutal.

 

[dropdeadlegs]

Very good news on the permanent home front. Don't unpack most things too soon!

 

Honestly, attention from the opposite sex has always worked wonders for my sense of well being. Even if those attentions came form sources I deemed as unreliable or undesirable. Attention was still attention and helped me to get past some low self-esteem moments. That your attention is coming from better sources is great. You may not be ready for anything yet, but it still feels good to be "wanted."

 

Hope tomorrow is a wonderful day, polywog!

[polywog]

OK, so I ended up going home with the gorgeous man (the artist) mentioned as a pursuer in my last post. Kind of couldn't believe my luck. This was a few nights ago.

 

But here's the thing.... I'm rolling around in bed with this guy who is gorgeous, hung, smart, sexy, and passionate.... and yet I felt a big shield or wall around myself.

 

I have no illusions about a relationship, it's too soon. I love sex, and yet I felt not able to be "there". The worst is that (graphic post here) when he penetrated me it was like my poontang had a gate that was shut! I mean, it was weird, but I was too tight to let him all the way in, and it hurt me so we had to stop. It was frustrating. This hasn't happened to me since I was a virgin. After all these years when I've had my share of sex with guys who were just for pleasure, and now I had a chance and my body betrays me! Not only that, but when I tried to help things along by getting myself off to relax the ol' poontang, I wasn't able get there... and that's wierd, for me, the expert at getting myself off!

 

We got together again last night, and the same thing happened despite generous applications of Astroglide! I am dismayed. And frustrated.

 

At least it was nice to be in a warm bed with a sexy man, and to know that my groove is sort of getting back. Only sort of. Maybe I know what all those poor men with "ED" feel like now.

 

Hope this problem doesn't last long.

[Ssheena]

Gee.. all things considered look how far you have come since you originally posted. It would be so nice for you to win the lottery in the artists community. You have dudes all over you and you aren't even in the market. Not bad at all.

 

I'd guess it's just your bodys way of telling you might need to heal your heart for a little bit longer.

 

Thanks for posting again. I've been wondering how you have been doing.

 

Try and stay high and dry out there!!!

[polywog]

Gee.. all things considered look how far you have come since you originally posted. It would be so nice for you to win the lottery in the artists community. You have dudes all over you and you aren't even in the market. Not bad at all.

 

I'd guess it's just your bodys way of telling you might need to heal your heart for a little bit longer.

 

Thanks for posting again. I've been wondering how you have been doing.

 

Try and stay high and dry out there!!!

 

I wasn't posting here for a while because in some way hanging out on my beloved LS was sort of a form of wallowing right now. A reminder of the painful break up. But I am an LS addict at heart, happy to post on other's threads because I've been through the love-mill a few times myself. Also, I didn't want to cause postis-interruptis, as there have been more than a few posters here who's threads I've followed who just disappeared and I think/worry about them!

 

Anyhow, "high and dry"? High and Wet! I hope. You're right about the heart needing healing. Even the guy I had the poontang thing with had that insight! I'm just surprised, because in the old days I was pretty free. Maybe I've evolved, or maybe it's just peri-menopause!

[dropdeadlegs]

Good to hear from you again, polywog. I have thought about you often over the past week.

 

I don't know, this has never really happened to me before. I'm thinking that while your mind seems to be willing, your body is consciously objecting, maybe as a protective measure. Kind of telling your brain "hey brain, you're in denial here, and not really ready for this." Either that or he is huge and it will take some time for physical modification, almost like what is required to relax enough to participate and enjoy anal penetration.

 

I hope he was understanding of the situation. I believe that in time, maybe involving just laying together and experiencing everything except penetration, you will be able to relax enough to get "there."

 

Did you try a few glasses of wine?

 

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[polywog]

Good to hear from you again, polywog. I have thought about you often over the past week.

 

I don't know, this has never really happened to me before. I'm thinking that while your mind seems to be willing, your body is consciously objecting, maybe as a protective measure. Kind of telling your brain "hey brain, you're in denial here, and not really ready for this." Either that or he is huge and it will take some time for physical modification, almost like what is required to relax enough to participate and enjoy anal penetration.

 

I hope he was understanding of the situation. I believe that in time, maybe involving just laying together and experiencing everything except penetration, you will be able to relax enough to get "there."

 

Did you try a few glasses of wine?

 

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

 

Well, in our case, a few beers... tho he and I are both wine drinkers!

 

I am definitely not ready for a "relationship". I really don't even know this guy, except for seeing him around for a few years and noticing that he's a babe... and we have friends in common. He's smart, handsome, etc. but I just want to have sex with him, and I suspect he feels that way about me. I don't think he's a man who likes commitment. And that's not what I want right now, either.

 

I think that maybe he was understanding, but maybe he was just polite. I can't tell. He is actually pretty surprisingly huge, but I don't think this was the issue. I think the ol' body might have been telling me to slow down, which I resent, because I always managed in the past to have flings with men.

 

Oh well.