MRose Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I have just got out of a four year relationship with an abusive Narcissist. I just wanted to say that if anyone out there has had interactions with one of these people that the ONLY way is to cut them off completely. NO phone calls, emails NOTHING. It's called No Contact. These people are SO toxic that to deal with recovering from this experience you have to get completely away from them! Easier said than done but, after much advice to do this from others who have had N"s in their lives I FINALLY get that I can NEVER talk to Xn again!! Narcissists are the most damaging people I have ever encountered! I overcame much childhood abuse easier than dealing with this person! They are good at what they do, VERY charming and they can pass the "Waitress Test" easily!! Their abuse is saved for their nearest and dearest and most other people around the N will not believe such a "nice" "charming" person is capable of the monsterous abuse you *if you ever get the courage to OUT them* are talking about. Anyone here had a relationship with an N or P???? Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Yep! And it's not fun. Be thankful you don't have kids with your ex! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Be thankful you don't have kids with your ex! Amen to that! They're evil...pure evil disguised as a human... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MRose Posted March 22, 2007 Author Share Posted March 22, 2007 Amen to that! They're evil...pure evil disguised as a human... Yes, soul sucking monsters and only if you have encounterd one will you know that isn't an exaggeration!! My XN has two kids by two different women. Both of whom he BEGGED to have kids with him because it was "destined" and he loved them soo much and blah, blah, blah, Both of whom he went to all the doctors visits with "He still brags about this" then when the babies were born he PROMPTLY dumped them like a hot rock. He doesn't even know the name of the one boy and the other he saw ONE time. When he meets new victims, targets.......he says "I love my kids." and proceeds to make these two women out to be horrible people. Yeah right. He makes up terrible lies and is GOOD at this! His main characteristic if you are not too close personally is his CHARM. One of his ex's hasn't seen him in ten years and is still afraid of him! I know why now. NPD! Who knew? I don't care anymore if he is "disordered" or whatever. I used to but that came back to bite me in the butt. Now I care about my own healing. I can veryify that these N's have NO EMPATHY at ALL about anything they ever do. Abusers in the extreme whether or not if was physical. The emotional and mental manipulations with these N's is hell on earth. Yes, they are monsters. I am not sure how much I agree with Scott Peck in "People of the Lie" but he wasn't far off with N's. Evil is real and as far as I am concerned my Xn should be considered to have "EVIL personality disorder" Any of you having survived an N! KUDOS AND HUGS TO YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
Tezza115 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I just looked up this list of Characteristics of a Narcisstic Abuser, and you know what my ex has almost all of those traits... http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html I really hated the fact that he would be two faced. The face which everyone saw was the innocent and nice side and the abusive, nasty side is what I got... I hated him for that, until I told everyone that he was a cheater, liar and abusive... He really hated me for doing that... Now everyone knows the truth about him and most of his friends have lost total respect for him as well... Which is probably the reason why he doesn't hang out with any of our friends anymore. He purposely did a 180 and started hanging out with people that weren't in our friendship group. Another reason is probably because he doesn't want his new gf to know anything about his abusive past with me. The man is full of lies, lies, lies... Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Tezza 115... I think that this list describes many many many if not all of the traits that I am dealing with in my relationship with a MM. One of the main things is him breaking your spirit so you will remain with him. Also the part about him not listening to your feelings because he actually does not care as well as being sweet when he wants something from you. It has been a year of this I am sure in the big scheme of things that is not a long time, but enough to do damage. I have to let go Link to post Share on other sites
Author MRose Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 I just looked up this list of Characteristics of a Narcisstic Abuser, and you know what my ex has almost all of those traits... http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html I really hated the fact that he would be two faced. The face which everyone saw was the innocent and nice side and the abusive, nasty side is what I got... I hated him for that, until I told everyone that he was a cheater, liar and abusive... He really hated me for doing that... Now everyone knows the truth about him and most of his friends have lost total respect for him as well... Which is probably the reason why he doesn't hang out with any of our friends anymore. He purposely did a 180 and started hanging out with people that weren't in our friendship group. Another reason is probably because he doesn't want his new gf to know anything about his abusive past with me. The man is full of lies, lies, lies... Your N "hated" that you exposed him! THAT is the ONE thing they fear most is everyone knowing what they do! Typically when you do that to them they WILL find New people "supply for their ego" and put on a totally NEW PERSONA for those people. They think they are sooo special that no rules apply to them. Once you KNOW what they are about it's clear how very much they are alike, one N could be a clone of another. I learned the things they say, do and why they do and say those things. All their tactics etc....they never devalue and discard one relationship without having a new "adorer" in line first. AND they say the exact same things each time. They are UBER charming, move the relationship along waaay too fast, seem too good to be true and made JUST for you because they are MIRRORING who YOU are not being themselves, they never, ever show what they are really like till you are in too deep and the FULL mask will not come off till they are ready to dump you for new supply. Knowing someone like this was the MOST damaging thing that ever happened to me. It left me financially, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually devastated while he waltzed off for his new persona and new life with NO EMPATHY for what he had done to me though I DID get him to admit he had done it on purpose. God Bless anybody who had to live through this experience of being the target and vicitm of a Narcissist. Link to post Share on other sites
Tezza115 Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 ^ I totally know how you feel MRose... He laughed at me when he knew that I was getting counselling for the trauma that I suffered from his physical abuse... He had no idea how much it really messed me up... He has this one friend who he has total respect for and he puts an innocent act to. When I told her what he had done to me, like every single detail of the physical abuse, he totally hated me for that, as she was the one friend that he did not want to see his dark side. I made sure that she knew the truth about us and our relationship, and frankly she felt so sick she couldn't sleep that night after I told her. She didn't even want see him the next day. Somehow I don't think that she fully believes me but I really don't care, I got my story out to her, and the truth will reveal itself in due time. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 God Bless anybody who had to live through this experience of being the target and vicitm of a Narcissist. What you say is soooo true. I feel bad for my kids though, their dad is a Narcissist. They are both in counseling as a result of the damage he's done (making them feel unimportant to him, waiting until the last minute to say if he's coming for them, screwing up their plans) Yesterday my daughter (8 yrs. old) was asked to be an usher at church. He had them for the weekend. I got up and went to mass to see her. He brought her there but instead of watching her due her duties, he stood outside of church and smoked cigarettes the whole time. I'm so glad I was there to let her see how proud one of her parents are of her! His behaviour purely sickens me at times. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 Prince Charming... If you met my H today you would think that he is the most wonderful gregarious creature you have ever met. Even dear close friends who have supported me and know what I am going through say, noone would EVER believe it. He meets every discription. I am constantly amazed at the things that come out of his mouth!!! His behaviours are completely predictable. I cannot leave unless I want my son to be alone with him so I am stuck. He gives them love them takes it away. Even at 9 he is starting to say that dad is crazy. For the longest time I blamed his actions on alcohol, or the fact that I wasn't good enough for him. Once I realized what I was dealing with it has become so much easier to deal with but still difficult. He is a serial cheater who has NEVER had a close friendship but has a million aquaintances. Imediately upon meeting people he loves to do favors for them. He tries to make people feel indebted to him. Unfortunately, if he was ACTUALLY the person that he portays then he would be incredible! I was reading the a short biography on the man who wrote Narcissism revisted last night and he even says that although he wrote "THE BOOK" on narcissism that he cannot and will never be able to heal. That is so very hard for the rational mind to accept. Living in a sick persons reality can really mess you up! I am living for the day when he does something so heinous that I can divorce him with no chance for visistation. It's the only way I will be able to leave before my son is an adult. I try not to hate him as I know that he is sick. I am truly thankful that it is him and not me that has this disorder! It is awfully hard to receive support for living with these types people because you would completely wear down your friends if you told them everything. Mine became a little physically abusive a week ago so I'm affraid that things might escalate. It is so hard NOT to stand up for yourself even when you know that it will escalate the situation. He actually told me recently that what is wrong with our marriage is my friends. He is affraid that my strength comes from them. I AM NOT CODEPENDENT, I live for the day when I can live for noone other than myself, I just have another decade before that can become a reality. Sorry so long, it has been a bad few weeks. I wish that I could find a local support group for people in these relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 Yesterday my daughter (8 yrs. old) was asked to be an usher at church. He had them for the weekend. I got up and went to mass to see her. He brought her there but instead of watching her due her duties, he stood outside of church and smoked cigarettes the whole time. How terribly sad. It's bad enough for another adult to be subjected to that kind of cold detachment, but at least adults are able make some sense of such behaviour and find ways of getting their needs met elsewhere. For a child to experience it must be extremely painful - both for her and for you as her mother. He actually told me recently that what is wrong with our marriage is my friends. He is affraid that my strength comes from them. I AM NOT CODEPENDENT, But of course you draw strength from your friends - that's part of what friendship is about. If you're with someone who doesn't have a strong character and good emotions, all the more need to draw support and strength from those who do. You mentioned co-dependency, and it's interesting that you've been reading the musings of Sam Vaknin - the guy you referred to who has made a profession of analysing his own narcissism. I know he's pretty keen on categorising the partners of narcissists in that manner. To quote Mandy Rice....he would, wouldn't he? Empathy is what moves a person to try to find ways of making an apparently sad and empty person feel loved, secure and happy. Spending too long extending that to someone who really doesn't understand it, and who views empathy as nothing more than a combination of stupidity and co-dependency, is a draining and destructive process. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I have just got out of a four year relationship with an abusive Narcissist. I just wanted to say that if anyone out there has had interactions with one of these people that the ONLY way is to cut them off completely. NO phone calls, emails NOTHING. It's called No Contact. These people are SO toxic that to deal with recovering from this experience you have to get completely away from them! Easier said than done but, after much advice to do this from others who have had N"s in their lives I FINALLY get that I can NEVER talk to Xn again!! Narcissists are the most damaging people I have ever encountered! I overcame much childhood abuse easier than dealing with this person! They are good at what they do, VERY charming and they can pass the "Waitress Test" easily!! Their abuse is saved for their nearest and dearest and most other people around the N will not believe such a "nice" "charming" person is capable of the monsterous abuse you *if you ever get the courage to OUT them* are talking about. Anyone here had a relationship with an N or P???? Yes. MM big time NPD! My therapist was the one that pointed this out to me. Infact I spoke to him today, he is now accusing me of messing with something on his property and wanted to see if I did it. NO, I did not! I told him he was a big time Narcissist and called him a few other thing's as well. Getting involved with a person like this is just about the worst pain anyone can go through. It's the "Charm", that they use to real you in! Once you are hooked it's a nightmare. In my situation it's next to impossible to have NC because he lives so close. I am glad I said what I did tonight! He desreves to hear that he is nothing but a creep! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 MRose - your post actually gave me the chills. An ol' ex 'friend' of mine has showed some strange new signs/characteristics in the last 2 years.( we were close for over 8 years) They started literally 2 weeks after I decided to open up to her. (She pursued me and our friendship for years and years, always confessing her feelings for me, even when she was with someone else.) always 'acting' as if she cared about me, my life when all along I 'felt' like she was more or less using me to boost her ego with all her other failing relationships. She was great at flirting with me, making me feel like I was the greatest guy ever... always hinting around that we should be together. Called me her guardian angel, soulmate, anything to get me 'excited' about her and us. BUT, her actions always and forever contradicted her words. After I told her my feelings for her (which took a long while) she did a 180... just like that. No calls, blew off my emails, texts. Then would pop up months later out of the blue to complaining about something in her life, and again boosting my ego... we'd get close in conversation, she'd split.... on again off again for years. If I ever questioned things like.... "why haven't you called?" she would flip out and tell me that she felt like I was 'demanding' her calls. My father had gotten sick... (bad) she was the first person I called... she never even answered the message or emails. Months later, we began talking.... and she claimed that she couldn't be there for me the way I wanted, so it was easier for her to just NOT acknowledge his illness and how I was handling it.... followed up with, "besides, I shouldn't HAVE to call you if I didn't want to...and your voicemail sounded like you were demanding my call." Right! I was in practically in tears when I heard the news of my father and called her. But hey, she made the time to call me just before her divorce to tell me she was losing everything, including the house, money and apparently her heart. Better believe she wanted my empathy that day.... but has never recipricated.... ANYTHING! Weird... she would NEVER say the words "I love you." but would always say, "I feel the same way you do" or " I have the same feelings as you." Almost like she was afraid to say the word "Love" Ack, look at me goooo.... just went post happy huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 MRose - your post actually gave me the chills. An ol' ex 'friend' of mine has showed some strange new signs/characteristics in the last 2 years.( we were close for over 8 years) They started literally 2 weeks after I decided to open up to her. (She pursued me and our friendship for years and years, always confessing her feelings for me, even when she was with someone else.) always 'acting' as if she cared about me, my life when all along I 'felt' like she was more or less using me to boost her ego with all her other failing relationships. She was great at flirting with me, making me feel like I was the greatest guy ever... always hinting around that we should be together. Called me her guardian angel, soulmate, anything to get me 'excited' about her and us. BUT, her actions always and forever contradicted her words. After I told her my feelings for her (which took a long while) she did a 180... just like that. No calls, blew off my emails, texts. Then would pop up months later out of the blue to complaining about something in her life, and again boosting my ego... we'd get close in conversation, she'd split.... on again off again for years. If I ever questioned things like.... "why haven't you called?" she would flip out and tell me that she felt like I was 'demanding' her calls. My father had gotten sick... (bad) she was the first person I called... she never even answered the message or emails. Months later, we began talking.... and she claimed that she couldn't be there for me the way I wanted, so it was easier for her to just NOT acknowledge his illness and how I was handling it.... followed up with, "besides, I shouldn't HAVE to call you if I didn't want to...and your voicemail sounded like you were demanding my call." Right! I was in practically in tears when I heard the news of my father and called her. But hey, she made the time to call me just before her divorce to tell me she was losing everything, including the house, money and apparently her heart. Better believe she wanted my empathy that day.... but has never recipricated.... ANYTHING! Weird... she would NEVER say the words "I love you." but would always say, "I feel the same way you do" or " I have the same feelings as you." Almost like she was afraid to say the word "Love" Ack, look at me goooo.... just went post happy huh? Hi, Sorry you had to go through this I know it's not fun! This is a great post! Describes NPD very well! MM was and alway's will be afraid of the "L" word! The man clearly reel's woman into his life and then back's away when thing's get to close to comfort for him, it's such a "Sickness"! one classic behavior of an NPD person is the fact that they say something straight to you then say they never said that, trying to make you feel like you are crazy! I went through this with MM many times and ya know what I was starting to feel like I was crazy! I was very up front and honest with him all along. My actions and word's in line with eachother. I was taken bad! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Hi, Sorry you had to go through this I know it's not fun! This is a great post! It actually frightens me a bit. Because I've known her for sooo long and this NEW side of her... wow, I've never seen it before. I don't think I have ever been so disrespected before in my life. Before I realized this Narc. crap I had posted in "In Search Of" concerning her son. This is most recent (last 3 days) because I was blown away by her actions towards me. My question is.... do they come back when you cut off contact? And this is a simple comparison ?. years back I self diagnosed an ex girlfriend with borderline personality disorder. She was nutty from the day one, but I was intrigued and intoxicated by her. Could never say no to her. My selfasteem must've dropped through my @ss. Never knew if I was coming or going. Use to sleep with one eye open. Was afraid to wake up in the morning cause I didn't know if I was getting a g'morning kiss or a kick out the door. Sexually abused at 4 years old... never did anything about it. On again off again stripper. Very seductive... the less she wore out in public, the happier she was. Sex? Good sometimes but strange. Everybody likes kinky sex once in awhile, but this girl was borderline porn star... even as far as abusive. ME! use to beat the hell outta me... the dirty talk wasn't typical. It was more like scary. She used words like Rape. Nuff said. Anyway, she would break off the relationship every other month.... then come running back when I stopped pursuing her. Nothing would stop her. I hated the vicious cycle but I could never say no to her. Finally I did some searching (internet) found out stuff I couldn't believe. Bought books, read em' and then one day shoved em' through her mailslot at her apartment. 3 months later, she showed up again... apparently she read em' all, sought help, got therapy. (diagnosed borderline AND PTSD) *pats self on the back* prescription drugs (mood altering) and was a new person. BUT, I was over it and her and all the abuse. We parted. Now my question is... do Narcissists come back like my ex from years back use to??? Because the current friend, I've never really cut off completely... I would always keep in touch or at least try because I didn't know any better and couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with her or what I did wrong. But not anymore.... Link to post Share on other sites
AHIWON Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 My x SO fits many of these attributes. http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html I'm seriously wondering if she is Narcissistic too. The secret life, constant lies, could never get emotionally intimate with her no matter how hard I tried. Would never look me in the eye while talking. People like that suck the life right out of you. I felt lower than dirt for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 My mother had a narcassistic personality disorder so yeah, I know what you're talking about........ Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 That's gonna depend on what they get when they come back... If they can regain that NS easily without any detriment to their "fragile" egos then yes. If it is obvious that they will not get that NS with out significant work or their egos are damaged then NO they will not return. According to Sam Vaknin, the only way to get rid of them is to make every instance of contact damaging to their egos. It's like kryptonite to Superman! Link to post Share on other sites
EmotionalBlackMail Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 OMG...I am seriously sitting here stunned. I've just realized that someone I was involved with matches up with everything that is said about this disorder. I wouldn't be surprised if he has NPD... I will explain. This person really tried to reel me in; feeding me compliments, making me feel as if I were special, calling me all the time, asking me out, etc. Well, unfortunately it worked. He tried to make himself seem like an honest person. I found out that he had a girlfriend and after telling me this he told me that he wasn't dishonest!! He kept manipulating the situation to make it seem like he never did anything wrong. When I wouldn't talk with him after that, he told me I was being immature! He always talked about himself NON STOP and NEVER asked me anything about myself. Whenever I said something, he wouldn't really respond to it if it pertained to my life. He always wanted me to read the stuff HE wrote, but never asked to see anything of mine, yet tried to convince me that I was such a special person. He always wanted me to feed him compliments. He still tried to reel me in all the time, wanting me to feed his ego. He always wanted me to pay attention to HIM. HIM HIM HIM. I seriously bought into all of this crap and the reason why it affected me so much is because I thought that I had met a "friend" that I could trust. I thought that I was special. WRONG. What a way to mask your true character! He continued to contact me until I made some blows to his ego and got some self respect. I am stunned that I was fooled for so long. I feel like a complete idiot. Now I know that I wasn't really "SPECIAL". I was just another pawn in this persons sick and twisted game. This thread has really brought the light to my eyes...it makes me really sad, though. Sad but happy...I thought maybe there was something wrong with ME but it turns out it is this person that is sick. Link to post Share on other sites
refresh88 Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 can someone tell me exactly what is NPD? Is it someone who suffers from extreme selfishness, self obsession and who is very sensitive to any form of criticism? Link to post Share on other sites
rtHawk Posted May 12, 2007 Share Posted May 12, 2007 My x SO fits many of these attributes. http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/characteristics.html I'm seriously wondering if she is Narcissistic too. The secret life, constant lies, could never get emotionally intimate with her no matter how hard I tried. Would never look me in the eye while talking. People like that suck the life right out of you. I felt lower than dirt for years. i just read this list and sort of feel overwhelmed, sad and maybe even angry..I think my SO is like this.... here is a post I made... my SO-HE does the "silent treatment"- insights needed hi positive first: I love him, I do my BEST with and for him on all levels even tho he has issues/needs that stem from his formidable years (mom not very there and available, no dad, and basically grew up on his own) I set him off with some of what seem to me very innocuos things-particularly if emotional and then he gets very adamanat about what he can and cannot handle and deal with-- burdens/resposnsibility for me that he can't take on---- real issues with being responsible for my "emotional well being" and now I just read this list and he fits some of the characteristics... are there people who function at different levels of NS??? he doesn't talk about himself alot or only,,, and doesn't seem to fit some of the more severe charac... but does fit some of them... I have been with him for 6 years, but when there is what seems to be a minor emotional issue (usually his reaction is too intense in response to my "emotions" he makes his needs demands known and then doesn't talk or address me for days to a week... it is really starting to hurt me and really get to me.. I am always left feeling like the wrong doer and he rarely even acknowledges his own issues its always about his needs and rarely ever ever mine.. ugh... I almost hate myself for loving him so much and wanting not to see that he is such a NS?? type person Can people ever have reasonable and loving R with these people????? Link to post Share on other sites
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