Whats going on here

[slidensidewayz]

We have been together for almost 3 years and were engaged in Jan of 02 with a wedding planned for March of 03' I'm 26 and she's 23 and we have lived with my parents for the last 1 1/2 years.

 

In late August she came to me with some problems in our relationship 1)we werent spending any time together 2) I was not helping with the wedding plans at all 3)I never really proposed to her just gave her the ring. At the same time she was hooking her sister up with a guy that she worked with so my fiance' and this guy were talking on the phone all the time. He dated and slept with her sister for about a month until he told my fiance' he had fallen in love with her.

 

At about the same time she told me she was postponing our wedding, because of our differences and she felt that I didn't really want to get married. I had asked her if she considered dating him and she said yes, but has recentley said she is over those feelings. I asked her to cut her social ties with him and keep it on a work basis and she agreed she would. I found out 2 weeks later that she had not she was still sending him FWD's from her email account.

 

So I was lied to he had also known all of the problems because this was 1 of her closest friends. She has said she has cut all ties with him socially but how do I know for sure since she lied in the past? She said she needed to get an apt and have time to decide if this is what she really wanted but she never did and when I asked why she said because of the health problems she was having at the time if she had to take off work she could afford it.

 

Recently I asked why she didn't go she said because she was trying to work things out. We went on this way for 2 months and she never said anything to me on how things were going good bad or indifferent. 2 weeks ago I got to a breaking point because I couln't take not knowing what was going to happen. The day we started fighting she told me "things were going good until now" but this was to late for me. We did nothing but argure for 2 weeks and I had called her many names and accused her of many things only because I don't know when she goes out if she is with him or not.

 

Last wednesday we fought on the phone all day and when I showed up to her work she was sitting outside in is car and when she got out she didn't have her ring on. I followed her home and she had it on so I took it from her and when I asked if she wanted it back she said "no" We fought for hours that night and she swears up and down that they're just friends and she has told him nothing will ever happen and nothing has ever happened. That night I grabbed her by the wrist and picked her up off the floor by her arms at that point she said thats it she was leaving.

 

We spent saturday evening together in a hotel but she hasn't stayed at home since but we do see each other everyday and she has said she is pretty sure that she wants to get married but she has also said our engagment is off until we work out the problems. She has agreed to couples counseling and has said she will not come back until I start some anger management counseling Is this all a good sign that she says these things? What do I do or where do I go from here?

[Tony T]

Counselling won't help your relationship until you grow up and mature. Your conduct is juvenile, forget her for the time being.

 

You need to learn the basics of conducting yourself in life. You need to learn that you cause your own anger. Anger stems from not getting your own way and not having other people and events behave or occur the way you want them to. This is selfish and childish. Life is not obligated to happen your way all the time.

 

If this lady gets the right advice, she will never marry you. You have shown signs of physical abuse that would scare most ladies away from you forever.

 

I really want to help you but since I'm not right there, I don't know where to start in getting you where you need to be to conduct yourself maturely in an adult world.

 

First, see a counsellor to learn how to manage your anger. I would recommend a therapist who specializes in REM (Rational Emotive Therapy). You can get the name of one in your area by calling the Institute for Rational Living in New York.

 

Then, you need to understand the basics of conflict resolution. Having fights with a woman, or anyone else...even your own size and strength, is cowardly, juvenile, insane and lacks a lot of class. No sane, desirable woman anywhere in the world is going to want to pledge herself and her life to a man who wants to fight for hours and hours and stupid crap..

 

There are excellent techniques for constructive conflict resolution, where both parties stay calm and work things out. You have to understand that not everything will resolve the way you want it to. Other people weren't put on this planet to behave the way you think they must. You are going to have to calm yourself down.

 

Your behavior is probably the result of what you observed when you were growing up but let me tell you now that having "fights" and picking a woman off the ground by the arms is not only abusive but it can land you in jail in most jurisdictions. Most law enforcement agencies have a "zero tolerance" policy when it comes to this kind of abuse so they put you in jail and then investigate later.

 

I don't want to put all this on you. I think your lady may not be ready either as indicated by the described behavior. However, I can't talk to her so I don't know if her behavior was retalitatory (meant to get back and you) or what. But whatever the reason, it sounds like she certainly isn't ready for or jumping to have a marriage with you.

 

Maybe I'm just too much of a romantic but I think two people who are in love should behave in lots more loving ways than the two of you. Your lady should show she wants to be with you more than anything in the world...and she doesn't give me that impression at all. Why would you want to marry somebody who doesn't give you those kind of warm fuzzies?

 

You are not ready for marriage...or even for a relationship. Until you learn to treat a woman with courtesy and respect, let her have boundaries, and learn to say goodbye to her calmly and sincerely if she desires to move on from you...you won't be mature enough for a lifelong, healthy relationship that can create the proper atmosphere for happiness and possible child rearing.

 

I'm not saying any of this to belittle or insult you in any way. I'm saying this because you need to hear the truth. What you have written in your post, assuming its honest and I have no doubt it is, does not paint you as the kind of guy any sane woman dreams about marrying.

 

If you feel the need to get married very soon, find a woman who comes from a highly dysfuctional family, who is comfortable agruing for hours, who has seen her father hit, grab and abuse her mother, who has been ignored and neglected....and you will have the girl of your dreams. At least it may work until she reads some books and sees some TV programs that enlighten her on how she got to that place.

 

Otherwise, until you do a lot of work on yourself and heal from the dysfunction you are used to and learn to live with and relate to woman and other people in a civil, rational manner, you don't stand a chance in hell of finding fullfillment in love.

 

I wish you great luck and I'm glad you stopped by here. This message, hopefully, will change the entire direction of your life...because it needs changing REAL BAD!!!

[Debster]

Think about what you two are doing to each other.

This is not how you treat someone you love.

 

What you've shown her:

1) You don't trust her

2) You think it's ok to spy on her

3) You've been physically abusive

4) You're playing stupid emotional games.

 

Who would want to marry you?

[pinkroses]

a lot about your post is all the blaming going on directed toward your fiancee. She probably has been holding out for a while trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, hoping you two get your problems worked out. It sounds like she is having doubts, understandably. Fighting for hours and the other stuff happening between the two of you just isn't a forum for cultivating any type of a relationship. Until you can look at your own part in the relationship troubles, nothing is going to change.

[CityGyrl]

I agree with the general consensus that you first try to get help yourself to deal with all your anger and feelings. Displaying acts of physical or mental abuse is not acceptable behavior by any standards. You must get to the root of why you feel the way you do. Because if you're this physical now, what's to say that you won't be in the marriage. It's very important that you learn your boundaries when it comes to conflict management. There are more successful ways in solving relationship woes than getting physical. I think you both may need some time away from each other to work on yourselves apart from one another. You both need to decide what is is you both want and if either of you are in a position to give it.

 

My advice is to get some help for yourself. Than maybe you can get some help together. But it all starts with you. If right now is any indication of how things will go in the future than I guarantee that you guys won't be together long. It's important to have a good foundation before you start to build a marriage. What happens if you try to build a house on a shaky/rocky foundation? Than the house won't stand very long because the foundation is weak. Right now, your relationship is shaky. Give it some time to become strong. You owe that to yourself and to your future wife.

GET SOME HELP! If you love her like you say you do than you will take corrective action to make your relationship strong again.