I'm in trouble, I need answers.

[Why_How]

Hi all, I just want to thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am a woman, 26 years old. I have two beautiful girls with the same guy that I have been with on and off now for 9 years. I have only been with this same guy for 9 years and have only been with someone else only when we split up briefly. We have been together since we were 17. And I think I have been through it all with him. The only thing now is that I really don't love him anymore. When I say I've been through it all - I've been through it all! From normal regular fights to full blown physical and mental abuse to cheating - you name it.

 

I guess my question in this post would ask you all if you believe it is me who's the problem, he, or the relationship itself.

 

I'll start by saying that while I was pregnant with our first daughter, this guy put me through hell. Before I got pregnant (and remember we're only 17 at the time) he never let me see my friends, if I did he would always tag along. My friends and I were sick of it so we just stopped hanging out all together. All the things that shouted obsessive, controlling, manipulative and abusive were all there. If I were only smarter then as I am now then I really would not have gotten involved with him.

 

As time grew, I did manage to love him. Though he is very needy and required lots of attention. You see, his mother gave him up when he was young and I think that's where the "neediness" comes into play. I myself grew up in a nice caring family. Both Mom and Dad were there with me. They are still married to this day. If I could take my childhood back to start all over, I would. I miss my childhood and the "happy" life I once led.

 

Through the time that I had my first daughter, things got better. Although I didn't have anymore friends, I thought that this guy cared about me. But in reality I was only fooling myself. He would belittle me, tell me that people think that I am a nobody, say that I am a slut, kicked me in the stomach, spit in my face a couple times. Wow, I felt real good about myself. So , in order for me to start feeling a little better about myself, I started losing weight, hanging out with my friends again, started wearing nicer clothing... and sure enough, that attention I was seeking landed me a few guys that were interested. I eneded up cheating on him with someone who treated me with much respect and we broke up as a result. I started seeing the other guy for a little while but he ended things with me because he couldn't take the "drama" that my ex was causing for the both of us.

 

After a little while, I went back to the ex - God only knows why. But I had learned that the many times that he was supposed to see our daughter but decided not to while we were split up, he was screwing a girl in our apartment building. So I guess I deserved that, but it really didn't bother me. All he ever was about was the sex. That's all he ever talked about and all he still ever talks about.

 

So a little time went by, had our second daughter. He even gave his friend "permission" to sleep with me because according to him I was easy... I didn't sleep with the friend but it truly showed how this guy thought about me.

 

I got pregnant shortly into our second rounding, but I had an abortion because things didn't look up. I know that was wrong believe me, I've been dealing with the pain to this day. He and I thought it would be best for all of us given the crap we had all went through.

 

But we ended up back together again and after a year or so, I did get pregnant again with our second daughter. He still treated me pretty badly if not worse with my second pregnancy. He would leave me all alone while he went out and partied all night. I asked why he never took me along, he said parties are not a place for pregnant people... well, then take me out somewhere special... he never made me feel special. He thinks that buying me the most expensive purse or jewelry on the rack is treating me special. All I really wanted was to be loved and appreiciated. He never gave me that.

 

So after a little while, we bought a home, but things at that time were looking good. We were getting along for once. I thought that this might be what we needed. But of course, I fooled myself again. When I went on vacation with my girls and my mom and dad to Colorado, I was feeling homesick and I missed him (remember, we were doing good at this point)... so I called him up and cried my eyes out telling him i missed him and wanted to come home. He sounded convincing... but when we did go home, I found out that he had rented many pornos through the cable and also called phone sex and racked up the phone bill $200.

 

After this point honestly, things only spiraled down hill. I didn't trust his anymore... lies lies lies! He has a big problem with porno. He is obsessed with it. I have told him many times before this that it bothers me that he's obsessed with it. He will rent 5 at a time. One once in a while is ok.... but he is very obsessed with it. And this time when I found out that he did it on the night that I called him that I was sad and wanted to come home just did it for me.

 

I became very rebellious after that. I wasn't getting the attention I needed at home so I started looking elsewhere. When we would go out, I would dress nice and low and behold, there was always someone to compliment me and even tell me I am beautiful in front of him. He didn't like it... he became jealous and started becoming more verbally abusive than ever. Saying I am ugly and this and that... none of it hurt me anymore because I had gotten so used to it. He scarred my soul so much that I don't feel the pain any longer.

 

One night in particular, I was getting hit on by lots of men. I had too much to drink that I didn't remember too much. See, that was another thing, I wasn't a regulare alcoholic but when we went out I binge drank to get rid of the pain. I would drink so much that I didn't remember anything. And this one night in particular changed that. All I know is that I woke up with only my top on. no pants no underwearno blanket.

 

He raped me. And to make things better, I was on my period and had a tampon in there so he decided to use my ass. Which I would NEVER do nor have i EVER done and he knows that. But he still did it. I only remember screaming for him to stop. And waking up in pain. I only hated hi m now. Had no love for him.

 

You ask, well where are your parents in this.... I haven't told my mom and dad about a lot of this. It would break their hearts. But they know I am not happy, they've told me to leave him... move back with them. They want to help me, but I am just so hard headed.

 

After the rape, only worse again... I started acting out again to get guys attention. I even almost had an affair with a married man. But I stopped it. Flirted with his best friend now his best friend and gf hate me and say that my guy deserves better than me. What do they know?

 

I went to jail one night because of him. We got into a fight, he choked me and while he was on top of me I scratched his face... I called 911 and they arrested me because I had no physical marks on me, also considering that they bought his story because he was crying his eyes out. Manipulaive.

 

I went to counselling after that. I wanted to go the 2 of us but he said he doesn't have a problem... I do. I asked him another time and he still refused. So I went myself. My counselor told me that it's not me, it's him... given his history and all.

 

Another night I wound up with 9 staples in my head because he beat me up.

 

I am just in desperation right now. I have attempted to leave him many times but never successful. His friends hate me and tell me that it;s all me. All my friends have moved away and the few that I do have told me to leave him. i know that's the only thing I have to do. But how?

 

My guy told me that what goes around comes around and that's why I am miserable, but honestly what did I do? He got mad at me because of my myspace page. Someone spread a rumor saying that it had nudes pics... it didn't he even saw that. So why does karma have it out for me?

 

What can I do here??? I don't love him at all. I don't want to be with him anymore. I want to move on with my life and start new. How? How do I convince him that it's time to move on?

[jmargel]

You need to get away, contact your domestic relations department (usually at the courthouse) and ask if there are any programs that you can get into. One here in Pennslyvania called 'Women in Transistion' which will house you and get you counseling. Hopefully the state you are in has something like it.

 

Contact the police and let them know what he has done to you. You need to get out of this abusive relationship for yourself and your kids.

[Not_That_Innocent]

Leave him - FAST!!!

[Miss_Bee]

You said that your parents want you to leave him, and they welcomed you back into your home right? Is there anyway that you can leave with the kids and a few things and go to your parents house to stay there for awhile until you can get on your feet?

 

There is no need in wondering how you can convince him that it's time to move on. He's an abusive control freak. He has gotten his claws into you and knows every nook and cranny, why would he want to move on to only search for another woman that he knows that he can control? I think it's a bad idea talking to him about ending all together.

 

Seriously hon, it seems like it was gone WAY to far for any discussions with him what so ever. You need to get out of there fast and move on. But you need to do it safely.

 

If i were you, i would seriously consider leaving on the sly, and follow Jmargel's advice. It might be in your best interest to put a restraining order on him too.

[Zona76]

Women sometimes see it as their fault for not being strong enough to fight back. They think if they could have walked away from the start, things could be different.

Well it can be different. You can go to a womans shelter and they can set you up till your family is notified.

It's no time to think yes I should have... because now is NOT then.

You need to walk out. You can do it. There are abuse hotlines. They can advise how to proceed.

[Zona76]

ONE more thing. YOU are not the only one in danger here. You have to dear little girls.

Call your Mom. Tell her you need to come home. Think of those girls before you think of what little pride you can sweep back off the floor.

[District]

wow... your story reads like some sort of drama. you sure went though a lot of s*it.

 

i think the problem lies in: you, him, and the relationship.

 

you - act out when you dont get enough attention. getting drunk and waking up with only a top on and not remembering anything that has happened. there are other ways to deal with your lack of attention. there are positive attention and negative. from your post you seem to want attention from men, you seem to feel the need to stand out. i mean, wanting to feel pretty/sexy/attractive is normal. all females itch for that, but there are other ways to do it. and "almost" having an affair with a married man is not one of them.

 

him - he is a straight up *********. i would be highly bothered too if i was with a guy who watches porn all day. he has you to look at and do bedroom things with. so yea, i'd side on you regarding the porn. his issues with controlling you, that should have been a red flag. for a guy to tag along with a group of girls is jsut not normal. i dont think a normal guy (issue-free) would go that far just to keep his girlfriend in check. and he hits you... you should not put up with that what so ever.

 

the relationship - you guys got together waaaay too young. i barley figured out how sex really worked at the age of 17 (i guess i was kind of a late bloomer, but whatever). both of you guys never really got the chance to really go out there and experience life. this might explain why you like to act out.

 

your solution (maybe) to straighten up yourself, be a good mother to your girls, and leave this guy for good. i wish you the best.