Flying across country to see a "Friend"

[Dadubwa]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years...

 

Of these 2 years I met her friend "Matt" twice. He seemed really emotionally...disturbed? He cried when his girlfriend broke up with him, and said he would kill himself (said all this right in front of me..when he knew me for about a day)...and my girlfriend was there for him while I sat uncomfortable in the car with his ex who I didn't know. Understandable right? She's being a friend for him, a shoulder to cry on. Yup Yup.

 

I went to one of his " going away parties" (he went to the Army and was leaving the next week)...my girlfriend promised not to drink...and did. I sat in the corner of the party (the party she knew I felt uncomfortable at since I didn't know ANYONE)...and she drank and hung out with him the whole night, coming to check on me every once in awhile saying "Are you okay?" I wanted her to enjoy herself so I said yes. I mean it's understandable right? She's just hanging out with him before he's leaving.

 

She has pictures hanging every where of him. Old ones of her on his snow mobile...at the fair...blah blah blah. Apparently they're really good friends and everything which is great.....but every time I see this kid...he makes me feel inadequate to be dating her. Bring up all the great "past times" together. I suppose that's understandable?

 

Personally I don't like him. Although I've never really shared that with my girlfriend but I know she picks up the vibes.

 

Here's the problem......she's got a new job/apartment to take care of...she's hardly gotten to see me...all the sudden she calls me 3 nights ago and says she's going to fly out to Cali with Matt's father to visit him during her spring break ....but then she has the nerve to ask me to help her find a cheap plane ticket and hotel for her and his father to stay in......UM!?....my dilemma, Matt likes her, I know he does, he's made it very obvious to me... she's always been his shoulder to cry on... Everyone says "talk to her about it" but she'd never ever believe me. Also think about this...the kid is in the Army...she's gonna be the first girl he's seen in almost half a year...not to mention...his father wants her to "marry" him and talks about it all the time. She's going for 6 days…I can't remember the last time we hung out for 6 hours. I'm trying to be nice about this whole thing… I tried to sound excited for her...but I'm not...I think through the vibes I've given her...and the tone I use with her when we talk about him...she'd understand. She even said "don't be upset" to me on the phone....so she obviously knows I'm not in favor for all this. I KNOW she knows I don't want her to go...and ya know what? Even if it's not about the kid...it's about us...we haven't hung out in forever.

 

I'm really really angry. Someone...help me make sense of all of this, I feel like I’m losing it but I really don't think I'm coming from such an odd angle on this.

 

 

UPDATE:...

The 2 nights ago I brought it up I said "Ya know, I wish you weren't going all the way out to Cali" and she flipped out, I was very calm and cool about it and she just freaked out and was like "I knew you'd be stupid about it!"...so apparently it's a 'touchy' subject now....so we didn't really get to talk about it....but this morning...I found out she bought the tickets already. She also promised me she'd let me know if she bought them, AND she wouldn't go if the whole trip was over 600...apparently her friend told me she's spending almost 900 on the whole trip...along with that she told me they're going to be drinking while in Cali....I'm so upset.... Please someone help me out here. It's only a few days before she leaves... I need to make my feelings known, I just don't know how..I obviously can't 'stop' her from going now. :(

[Guest]

Surely sounds like she is putting Mr. Matty's feelings over yours--what the heck??

 

If she goes, break up with her. This is coming from a girl's perspective... no girl in their right mind would spend that money/time going to see a "friend"... ESPECIALLY when she hasn't seen her own bf in forever. I go crazy when I don't see my boyfriend for a while or if we don't get to spend quality time together, even if it's just hanging out watching movies...

 

I hate saying this but sounds like she's not that into you. I'm seriousl though, why would she not want to spend a quality week with her own boyfriend? Weird weird weird. That Matt guy is just going to keep causing trouble because if they're still friends it's always going to be like that. I'm a jealous person myself so I couldn't deal with it-- and it souds like its bothering you quite a bit. Also keeping it bottled up inside will also not help you it will just eat you alive.

 

leave her now! Find someone who wants to be with you and puts your feelings above everyone elses!!!

[LakesideDream]

I guess it's time to stop being upset, and to look at the situation with more objectivity.

 

Either you, or he is the back up guy. Only she know's who is "primary". This won't change until she settles down with one of you.

 

Personally my life is way to short for this kind of drama, but I'm an old geezer. You may have the time and effort to squander.

 

Good Luck.

[oldchic87]

its obvious she flew across the country to get some d. now what are you gonna do?

[Dadubwa]

Now this is really stinking....

 

I've been so angry about this whole mess of things...that I'm being a jerk to her because I...idk. I just feel like she owes me some time...I'm being so mean to her because I'm so upset at the fact that she's going.

 

The other night we had plans to hang out. She broke them to hang out with her friends....but I wanted to hang out just her and I...I was so angry I made my friend came over and we just drank and drank and drank, and I told him how I felt and like ya'll said..."sketchy".

 

I have this gut feeling that nothing is going to happen, only because I know she loves me and respects me... but my the logical part of me is like "wait a second. this isn't right."

 

What happens if she does do something? She's like the only thing I have in my life right now. I'm still just so baffled at why she's going....the kid comes home in a year....she can't wait a year????

 

I don't get it. The more I think about it the more upset and angry I get. I've been avoiding her calls, and then getting snotty with her when I do answer, I don't wanna be like that...but it's like I want to hurt her as much as she's hurtting me with this stupid trip. I tried to bring it up the other night and she flipped again saying "I don't need your permission!!" "This isn't about you." "It's my money, my friend, my choice."...I'm about to rip all those pictures of that kid off her walls.

 

Any ideas on how to stop being a brat to her?

Should I continue to be a brat to her?

How do I start an honest conversation after I told her it was 'okay' for her to go even though I wasn't being completely honest (she totally rushed into it)?

How can I stop from worrying the whole time she's gone?

[Guest]

WHOAAAAAAAAAA. hold up.

 

She said she doesn't need permission?? HAHAHAHA!

 

Give me a f'ing break! She sounds immature in my opinion! When you are in a serious, committed relationship, there is comething called GROUND RULES!!! You don't just fly across the country to hang out/drink with a guy friend with your bf back home. What if she was your wife? Would you allow your wife to do this? and wow for her to completely blow off your feelings, is just not right. Tell her to get a clue or take a hike!

 

Not only that but it weirds me out that Matt's parents are all about her "marrying" him-- she doesnt think thats strange too? RED FLAG!

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know it hurts. I just posted "Do I have a right to tell him not to go?" & if you read my post, u will see we have similar situations, except yours is a million times worse. i feel for you boy! Keep us updated.

[Spectre]

It really pisses me off when girls try to act like their conduct around guys is ok when it is *blatantly* not.

 

You do not spend close to $1000 to go see some guy who isnt your bf, especially after you've been with him for 2 years. This is completely unacceptable and the fact she has you feeling bad over this has shown me this girl has worked you over good. Has she gone yet? If not, tell her if she goes its over. If she has gone, dump her. Even if nothing happened, this is about respect. You dont fly across the country to go see a guy when you're in a relationship with another guy.

 

 

Sit here down and tell her it flat out isnt right. If this girl constantly goes on about how it isnt about you and bla bla, she's obviously ignorant to how the world works. I'm just in shock at how someone could view this type of behavior as ok? As someone said, she paid 900 bucks to go get some d*ck. I would just drop her, if a person can treat you with that little respect after 2 years there is no hope.

[Dadubwa]

Here's the deal.

 

She hasn't gone yet. She leaves April 11th.

 

 

I've cooled it...being a brat and all...

 

But she's having such mood swings now! She's trying to act all sweet and then out of no where she's all mean and rude. I'm begining to think she's trying to get out of our relationship by being rude...I feel like she's trying to break it off with me before she goes.

 

I want to write her a letter or something, because talking about it obviously isn't sitting right with her.

 

The strange thing is more and more over these last past few days...I've felt nothing but second best to her. It's unbelievable. I don't want to lose her as a lover because we have the same friends, live so close, have future plans, our familys mesh well.....it's just...this isn't right. This is not right. You've all made this so obvious that this just isn't right.

 

What should I put in the letter?

Her mood swings?

He "needing" to go?,

I can't stop her, so what's the point of bringing it up?

Should I tell her I feel like I'm second best?

Should I ask her if I'm what she really wants?

 

Things seems to never be a happy medium with her...either REALLY happy...or REALLY sad. It would kill me to see her with someone else, it would kill me to see her cheat on me...and it would kill her for me to break up with her when it's just an innocent trip...but I'm having the HARDEST time believing this is just an innocent trip.....does anyone else think it is????

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that she would put up with such crap and disrespecting behavior from you? She is totally humiliating and disrespecting you and making you look like a fool. My friend if you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Sweetie2007]

 

What should I put in the letter?

Her mood swings?

He "needing" to go?,

I can't stop her, so what's the point of bringing it up?

Should I tell her I feel like I'm second best?

Should I ask her if I'm what she really wants?

 

I'm having the HARDEST time believing this is just an innocent trip.....does anyone else think it is????

 

No, it's not just an innocent trip. From the female prospective, I would not spend $900 to go to Cali to see a friend. I live in NH, and I have a friend in Cali, online friend, we've been wanting to meet for like 5 years, but neither of us find it appropriate to spend that kind of money to simply meet each other. So, in your GF's case, it makes even LESS sense, because he's coming back in a year! If he were truly just a friend, she would put you first, stay with you, and wait to see him whenever he was around, she wouldn't put herself out, or defend the trip, if it were innocent.

 

If I were you, I would write her a letter, and just tell her everything. Keep it collected though, don't just ramble on and on, because she'll get bored and not take it as serious. Tell her that you feel second best, that you feel like she is putting him in front of you. Tell her what you feel about her putting herself out there for him, but not you.... just put it all out in the open..I would give her an ultimatum too, if she goes, and shows you that she obviously cares for seeing him more than you, it's over. If she goes knowing that, then you know the truth. If she gets angry, and uses the already-spent money as an excuse, then it's simply that, an excuse to not tell you her true feelings...don't back down, just be like "okay, whatever...you decide who is more important" ...and let her decide.... it's not going to be easy, and I am sorry that your hurting!! good luck..keep us posted!

[RecordProducer]

I would feel just like you or even worse. Your feelings are completely legitimate, in my opinion. Just tell her how you feel. You seem eloquent enough.

[purewil]

to sit and allow this thing to get this far is absurd to me... ! on a personal level I would like to think you have enough respect to put you rself first before, her. If that's not the case, then you need to get out of the relationship. I think from now on you should go by this rule: If this love doesn't feel right, then express yourself and let it be known (which you've already done), if she's not in the listening mood then leave. In short if the relationship isn't feeling write then leave. you've done what you could on your part, and if you telling her how you feel is not to be serious enough to be considered, then maybe you just leaving is what you need to do. when you really think about it which one would hurt more: you leaving her on your terms or finding out she's "in love with her freind".

[Dadubwa]

Since the other night, she hasn't spoke about it, either have I....

She's made arragments to hang out with me for a few days before she leaves...she hung out with me for the last 2 days....should this change anything?

 

I don't want things to be akward between us before she goes on this trip....you see maybe I should bring up a few things to clear people's image up about her and all this......as I do...let me also add why clearing up the image may not matter ha ha....

 

1) She's never ever ever ever ever given me a reason to believe she'd cheat on me...she's a very carefree fun loving person, who kinda lives her life out on a whim. But she's naturally flirtatious which is worrying me the most, I keep reminding myself "Well they've been friends since they were kids which is cool, he's dated her best friend since they were kids which is great... but now he's single?" It kinda falls short with me.

 

2) We've been together for 2 years but have been friends for 6 years prior to that. She's liked me since we first started being friends, she's been completely faithful, and honestly believes we'll get married on day. The only problem is about 4 days before she told me she was leaving to go to Cali in april, we almost broke up. We're just 2 completely different people on 2 completely different pages in our lives. We agreed and 20 mins. later she insisted we got back together than I voiced that it might not be the best thing to do.....WHY would she ever go all the way out to cali when we're trying to fix things here...it's literally across the country since we live in New York.

 

3) I don't think she'd ever make a move on Matt, and if she did make a move on Matt it would be kinda of an unconscious one, she's just "free" ya know? Often using the words "hun" to her friends and "sweetheart" I know alot of people like that...it used to bother me, but it doesn't anymore, but now what if she says it to Matt? Do you think he might take it the wrong way?

 

I know she respects me and she takes really good care of me. And I to her. In our past though I was e-mailing my ex and not telling her, do you think she might be trying to get back at me??? (This was almost 9 months ago).

She's asured me she completely forgives me and doesn't think a thing of it anymore...but maybe she does? Maybe she's hiding her true feelings?

 

Communication is reasonably open all the time with her. You see we can communicate about ANYTHING...as long as it doesn't make her feel uncomfortable, and we're trying to work on that. That's why I think it's important that she doesn't leave right away....

 

Anything in bold I suppose I wish I had answers to. Maybe you guys do?

 

Another thing is how should I start this letter?

What should I say in it? The highlights and all.

Should I bring up her kind of flirty ways?

Should I ask if her and matt ever dated, or liked each other, or kissed or something? See that's something I should know but i don't.

Should I ask her way the WHOLE time he was home she hardly hung out with him, and now all the sudden she's like best friends with him and is totally blowing money to hang out with him and his 55 year old father?

 

 

Things have cooled down, I'm not as angry as I once was, but I'm SO not even close to over this, and SO not done talking about it. I appreciate all the help, it's really putting things into perspective...I only have 15 days before she leaves, I'll keep posting!

[Sweetie2007]

she hung out with me for the last 2 days....should this change anything?

I think a better question, is for you to ask yourself, does this change how you feel at all? Does it make you feel better, because she's spending time with you, or does it make you feel weird, because you have this fear of what could be?

 

Often using the words "hun" to her friends and "sweetheart" what if she says it to Matt? Do you think he might take it the wrong way?

I know what you mean by "free". I can be that way sometimes too..hugging my male friends, or putting my arm around their shoulder...but all of them know how I am, and they all know it means absolutly NOTHING. If Matt has known her his whole life, then he should know how she is, and not take the "hun" or "sweetheart" seriously. If he does, then he's trying to make something out of what isn't, and that's not cool either.

 

I know she respects me.

yet won't listen to how you feel about her going to cali? sounds like selective respect...(if that even exists, lol)

 

In our past though I was e-mailing my ex and not telling her, do you think she might be trying to get back at me??? She's asured me she completely forgives me and doesn't think a thing of it anymore...but maybe she does? Maybe she's hiding her true feelings?

 

after 9 months of not showing any sign at all that it bothered her? I doubt it...why now, why not then? I will say, that if she was hurt by you emailing your ex, she probably hasn't forgotten that. Once a girl is hurt, even if she moves past the hurt and can love the person again (in your situation), it's still there, in the back of her mind, on idol, just there, the knowledge of what happened. I bet she remembers it, but I doubt she's using that as a kind of justification... like "He emailed his ex, so i can go to cali"... that doesn't sound like it makes sense, not after all this time.

 

 

Another thing is how should I start this letter?

What should I say in it? The highlights and all.

Tell her the truth...you can't do more than to just start it out with Dear ___ (her name)... and then just pick something to start with. I don't know your writing style, and I'm afraid if I give you an example it would sound too girlie I have a very girlie writing style when it comes to stuff like that...

 

Should I bring up her kind of flirty ways?

If you do, my advice would be to do it in a gentle way, so you don't make her sound negitive...something to the effect of "you can be flirty sometimes, and that's okay, but I'm worried about how Matt will react now that he's single" ... that way it's expressing what you want to, but not making the way she naturally is out to be a negitive quality.

 

Should I ask if her and matt ever dated, or liked each other, or kissed or something? See that's something I should know but i don't.

That sounds more like a conversation topic than a letter topic, IMO

 

Should I ask her way the WHOLE time he was home she hardly hung out with him, and now all the sudden she's like best friends with him and is totally blowing money to hang out with him and his 55 year old father?

Yes, it doesn't make sense, and it's bothering you, you deserve an explination.. plus, she's blowing more than money, she's blowing time which could be quality time with you, which is obviously what you want, and I'm assuming what you have experssed to her...

 

sorry it's so long...but I hope it helped and answerd your questions...

[Sevenmack]

Dump her. Dump her. Dump her. You're not being a brat. You're being a man who cares about being treated so poorly by a woman who is supposed to love you and instead, is spending almost no time with you and flying out to another part of the world to meet her 'friend.' And given her unstable mood, it's obvious that she's either attempting to get you to dump her -- the better to continue letting her, umm, friend bust nuts all over her (metaphorically or otherwise) -- or she projecting her guilt onto you.

 

It's long past time to dump her Dadubwa. She's cheating on you, being abusive to you and not even being fair. Sit her down somewhere and tell her it's over. And don't call her afterwards.

[Dadubwa]

Thanks Sweetie and Seven...

 

I think at this point. I need to write that letter and see her reaction and see her response. Maybe I'm over thinking things? I think that might be a possibility. Maybe she'll say "I haven't seen him in a long time, we're strictly friends. I kind of wanted to go to Cali anyways!"...hum?

 

The fact that we hung out, makes things a little better...the first day was kinda awful, she was mean most of the time...but the next day was great, she was sweet and her self.

 

I don't want to feel like I have to defend our relationship, but for some reason I feel like maybe I'm not giving her the credit she deserves... I mean she's never cheated on me, we've been fairly happy, we're young (both 19), we're still trying to figuare out how our relationship works what's wrong and what's right, we've lived together for about a year and a half, she just recently moved out and into an apartment with her good friend and her good friend's boyfriend, her job is very stressful, she's going to school part time....ya know? She's stressed, she deserves a vacation?...maybe this is what she wants...maybe she wants a vacation? Maybe she's using Matt as an excuse for a vacation? MAYBE I'M MAKING UP REASONS.

 

I suppose I really should get to writting that whole letter though. I seem the like the best thing to do.

 

I'll keep you all posted Thanks!

[BlueEyedSarah]

Dump her, it sounds way too dodgy to me.

[whichwayisup]

we've lived together for about a year and a half, she just recently moved out and into an apartment with her good friend and her good friend's boyfriend,

 

Can I ask why she moved out?

 

I say, do the letter. Speak from your heart and just open up. Sit beside her when she reads it - Make sure SHE understands the letter isn't about attacking her or making her feel bad, the letter is about YOU and you want her to understand your feelings more, be more considerate and not treat you second best to her male friend. Hopefully she'll see what she is doing and how she is around this guy is abit much...

 

I think it's odd that the guys dad is pushing this friendship between his son and your girlfriend. She's a lesbian and not into guys!

 

Hope all goes well.

[moredeborah]

wow. It seems to me that she doesn't care what you think.

 

She's going to do whatever she wants, but she needs to know that there are going to be consequences once she leaves. It's going to be weird... you're going to be angry... whatever the case may be.

 

I don't even know the guy and I don't even like him.

[Dadubwa]

Just to clear this up for EVERYONE lol....I am I girl. I'm a lesbian. I know I brought this up kind of late, but I really don't think it matter .... my girlfriend however says she's 100% a 'lesbian' but I honestly think she's bisexual, which really doesn't matter to me she's dated both girls and guys.....

still this doesn't make this topic any different, so lets not treat it that way lol.

 

 

The reason she moved out was a very innocent one...

 

I still live with my parents (come on I'm only 19 lol)....

 

Her mother moved in with her boyfriend and my girlfriend didn't want to live there...so I proposed that she stayed with me for awhile until she got her own place, or until I went to college....she agreed, my parents found no problem with it since our house is fairly large. Once she found her own place (which is only a like 3 mins. from my place) she moved out. I'm leaving for college in a few months, so it was just better for us.

 

 

I haven't started writting the letter yet because I want to take it from a very light angle...I'll post it here when I do write it though before I give it to her so you guys can help me fix things on it.

 

I put a lot of faith into this site as I'm sure you all can already tell lol.

[whichwayisup]

I knew you were a lesbian a while ago from another thread.

 

If she is bisexual then now it comes down to - DO you feel she would cheat on you physically? Because right now, she IS emotionally attached to this guy, he knows it too.

 

Do afew draft letters, then post here. When you're all done and ready to give her the letter, make sure it's not TOO long. I will help you when you're ready to post it. Speak from your heart and you won't go wrong.

[Dadubwa]

I'm not sure if she'd cheat. I'm not sure if she likes him. But what I am sure of...is this is all to fishy for me.

 

:/ I'm going to work on this letter right now....

[melodymatters]

Ok, I'm going to take another angle than most of the other posters. She is young, YOU are young, you are both hopefully best friends as well as lovers. I agree with you when you said something along the lines of "maybe she just wants a vacation, and this is an excuse to go to Cali".

 

That makes sense doesn't it ? I have been in love with my boyfriends and still took trips without them.

 

I think it all sounds fine and cool, though being open about your feelings in a NON JUDEMENTAL letter, shouldn't hurt things a bit !

 

good luck to you !

[Dadubwa]

You know it could be melody! You could be right....I just finished the letter...it maybe a little harsher than it needs to be...just everyone throw some imput it so I can find a good way to present myself as a unsure person.

[melodymatters]

Are you saying you WANT to presnt yourself as an unsure person, or was that a typo ? Maybe if your comfortable, you could cut and paste some parts of the letter here, so we can either reign you in, or say " sounds good !"