Flying across country to see a "Friend"

[Dadubwa]

Here's the letter I'm thinking of giving her....

 

 

 

 

********I understand you're friends with Matt, I respect that and I honor that for you. I know you two have been friends for awhile, which is also good and respected by me. I don't want to be a thorn in your side about it or anything, that's not why I'm writing this. I suppose I'm just unsure and uneasy about this whole 'trip'. I now know the night you called me up and asked me if I had a problem with you going and I said "No." was your green light. But the reason I said "No." was because I didn't want to offend you and say "Yes" and have you be irritated at me all night because I had a problem with you going. I was once again trying to avoid a fight, stupid maybe? But I thought we would talk about it again before you bought the plane tickets. I feel so greedy saying something like "that trip should have been planed on my watch!" because it shouldn't be because it's not my trip, but I just feel like that was something we should have sat down face to face and talked about. Why? Because I've met Matt maybe four times tops; I've never met his Dad. Don't you see how that would make me feel a little bit uneasy? I don't know these people. I'm not friends with him or his father. I didn't grow up around them like maybe you did. Does that make sense to you why I'm a little unsure about this trip? You shouldn't have to ask me if you can have permission to go on a trip, I know that, I'm not your Mom. And you know what else? Who cares if I know the people! Well I care if I know the people, and I thought you would because I am your girlfriend. I know it was important for you to hear what I had to say but I honestly didn't get to say it, (my fault I know).

Look you've already bought the plane tickets you're already set to go and all that, so you're going. I got that, I'm obviously not going to stop you, or ask you not to go. That would be so selfish. But if it was up to me, we'd be together for 5 days with no work or school because you know what? I don't remember the last time I did that with you. One year Matt would come home, is that really that long? Amidst that fact that I didn't even know you guys were that close of friends because the entirety of our relationship out you've hung out with him maybe ten times that I knew of, so needless to say I'm kind of in the dark about your two's friendship. You used Hank as an example with me, here’s the thing, I wouldn't fly out to Florida to see Hank, I’d just stick it out and wait a year, and besides the irony that Hank and I aren’t even good friends anymore! (fun fact:Hank is my friend from the UK...my girlfriend said she would let me go see him if I wanted to, but Hank and I haven't talked for almost a year, I made that clear to my girlfriend almost a month ago that I suppose Hank and I aren't friends anymore, or else he'd get in touch with me.) To put the icing on the cake, it's across the country; it's not like Michigan or Texas, its California. Do you know how odd it sounds coming from my mouth when I say "My girlfriend is flying out to California for 5 days to see her friend who won’t be home for another year, on her dime."? It doesn't sit right with me, it doesn't sound right to me. Maybe I'm crazy, but I've only heard of people doing that for close family and crap, the last time I heard of someone going to California to see someone who wasn't a close family member was Jackie (our lesbian friend lol) to see her lover who she "connected so deeply" with haha! So I mean, just cut me some slack if I'm a little uncomfortable about this whole trip you so intend on taking. I suppose the worst of my feelings happen to be the most ridiculous and outlandish I guess maybe I half think you might have ulterior motives. This wouldn't be an issue for me if this was a couple of weeks ago, but I mean you and I almost broke up not even four days before you called me up and told me you might be going to California. The last time I hung out with a great friend I hadn't seen in awhile, I made out with her, and my then girlfriend happened to be miles away too! (the way my girlfriend and I got together...I know, I'm not so classy.) I didn’t even begin to believe that until you told me we'd hang out after Megan and Frank (her friends) left after smoking with you after school. Instead you call me up and tell me you're making them dinner, then you're going drink, and smoke with them, when just the night before you told me we would hang out when they left! But you say "Feel free to come down!". I was going to talk about that trip then, I didn't want to hang out with them; I wanted to talk to you. When I did come down I was a jerk because I was upset about not being able to talk about the trip, and then you called me out in front of Molly (her roomate, she told Molly "She's [me] all pissed because I already bought the tickets AFTER I asked her if it was okay"), after you told me you had already bought the tickets! Yikes! The next day after that, I felt bad for being a jerk because A) I never told you why I thought I had the right to be a jerk other than my record label (fun fact: my record label dropped me because I'm going to be too far away once I got to college) and B) it was a little over dramatic, I'll admit you breaking plans with me hurt 15 times harder when I heard you would be leaving in a few weeks. I felt so second best, especially the next day when we hung out and you were being so snippy at me after I had apologized and put my insecurities behind me. It just seemed like you were trying to avoid me, or hurt me or something, because, well frankly, maybe you're not in this 100% anymore.

I just needed you to know these things, I just need you to understand why I'm thinking the crazy thoughts I'm thinking. I just need you to read this and not judge me or think I'm being a drama queen, or being absurd, but instead just understand where I'm coming from in a calm way instead of calling me out and saying I'm wrong, oh Jesus I'm sure I'm wrong and backwards about this whole trip, I hope I'm wrong too but I just need you to confirm that I am. I'm sorry I'm so insecure, and I'm sorry I never give you the credit you deserve sometimes, but I'm just a little unsure and uneasy that's all. The best thing that could come from this letter is you coming to me with a big smile and saying, "You really are crazy, you have nothing to worry about, you're just worried because it’s unknown territory because you don't know them, well trust me, I know them, they're good people, they'll take care of me." Maybe that's just what I'm looking for.*****

 

 

What do you all think? Feed back, any feed back would be good. Thanks guys!

[Dadubwa]

Yeah, the letter is above....

 

I don't want to seem like I'm attacking her. I just want to seem unsure, because I am unsure about the trip she wants to take.

[Dadubwa]

OH COME ON GUYS! Don't give up on me now!! I need ya'll!! HELP ME OUT!

[whichwayisup]

Keep that letter and do another one, but from a different angle. Speak from your heart, make it shorter and leave out all the detail of other people, who said this, that, etc...

 

As for your letter, it's 'loud' in the sense that she will be angry when she reads it. The 'feel' of the letter is, you want her to react to it and feel that saddness, a little wake up call like "hello, what about me??? I feel unloved, unimportant to you when Matt is around..." That kind of stuff is what she needs to know.

 

YOU should be included abit more in their friendship! It seems she's running off excluding you from their friendship, when infact you need to get to know him better and he needs to get to know you as well.

[Dadubwa]

Hey everyone. Thanks for all the comments and all, it's really helped me do something I think I should have a long while ago.

 

I didn't write a second letter, only because I just confronted her when the time was right.

 

We really got into it last night, over pretty much nothing, and I told her I've been a jerk for one reason that's eating me alive...

 

I asked her not to get mad, I asked her not to think I was being a drama queen. I just flat out said "Do you have feelings for matt?" and she said "ABSOLUETLY NOT, I'm gay, I don't like guys sometimes, half the time, or always, I don't like guys, I like girls." then she reassured me that her and Matt have been friends since they were kids, he's like a brother to her, she's not just going out there to see him, she's also fond of traveling so she wanted to take time off, and she's set up time to hang out with me the week before she goes.

When it was all said and done, she was kind of upset that I would believe she would do something like that. Also she found it kind of rude that I was second guessing her sexuality, and her "moral values".

 

I suppose it's all cleared now. My questions have kind of been answered. I'm still a little...eh, on the subject, but you know.

 

Do you guys think I was being rude?

Was I wrong to think the things I was thinking?

 

Thanks again everyone!

[Dadubwa]

Well...I thought this saga was over...

 

But I suppose it's not.

 

She wants to break up now. She's unhappy....

 

This sucks. But I can't say I didn't see it coming.

[whichwayisup]

You weren't wrong. AT all.

 

Her actions and behaviour for a while have been showing you that she isn't as into you. I am sorry that you two broke up.

 

I think she used this situation and made it worse so she could break up with her. Maybe in a way she did little things that she knew would piss you off, make you feel excluded.

 

HER LOSS, not yours! I know right now that isn't much comfort, but hopefully when you see things in a different light you'll feel that way too. Her loss, not yours.

 

You're a kind person, a giving and considerate person. She obviously isn't ready for a real serious relationship that means you have to put the other person first more often and consider their feelings and thoughts.

 

Hang in there, and post as much as you need to.