Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[lilemiedp]

I sort have something sort of similar. I have a tracker on my site as well, and the ex checks up on it almost every time he logs in. What is even weirder is that his current girlfriend checks my site non-stop. Almost every day for the past few weeks, occassionally multiple times.

 

What is with that?? Any ideas?

[CaliGuy]

I sort have something sort of similar. I have a tracker on my site as well, and the ex checks up on it almost every time he logs in. What is even weirder is that his current girlfriend checks my site non-stop. Almost every day for the past few weeks, occassionally multiple times.

 

What is with that?? Any ideas?

 

His g/f is checking because she is insecure.

Not sure why he is checking unless he is having some issues with her.

[WiseNitchie]

I Remember about a year and a half ago i was with a girl that i thought i loved with all my heart we were suppose to be first loves, i use to post about it on this site, me and her dated 1 year and 7 Months, me and her had a rocky rocky breakup its a very long story but she said she wanted to see what else is out there. She wanted to play the field.

 

Sometimes i believe us humans can fool ourself into thinking were in love not saying that were not. Now i met someone whos way better than her.

My ex use to break NC all the time, sometimes we went 4 months on nc and she would always comeback.

 

The Last time she came back her mom and her brother and her daddy nd her tried to us to get backtogether.

[WiseNitchie]

Basically what im saying is one day ull get over her and if u play your cards right she will come running back to u i mean at full force, crying, stalking, begging, i had to change my phone numbe r3 times and change my cell phone number 2 times, the reason why is because we have nuetral friends so shell beg them to give them my number.

 

Me and her been broke up for about 2 years, and i dont miss her, i dont love her, and i wouldnt take her back, i mean shes kinda a hoe now, she lost her respect, she has no dignity, so if no one else wanst her what makes her think i want her?

 

Im not sure if i was in lust or puppy love becuz when u love someone ud take them back unconditonally. All im saying is when a girl is heart broken and wants u back shell go thru hell to get u back.

[Guest]

Caliguy you have given such wonderful advice here so I hope my response helps you. I still check. Why? Because I still care. In some twisted way it still keeps him close to me. Weird huh?

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy you have given such wonderful advice here so I hope my response helps you. I still check. Why? Because I still care. In some twisted way it still keeps him close to me. Weird huh?

 

Thanks. Why would you want to be close to him if you dumped him though? And were/are you checking often? Several times a week?

[Guest]

Yes. I was checking alot. At least every other day. I wanted to know how he was doing. If he was ok. I still loved him. I still do.

 

Feel Free to ask any other questions Caliguy. Your posts have been so helpful to me.

[Guest]

I hope this is posted in order. I broke up because it seemed too good to be true. He can't really care about me. We can't really have a future. I got scared because I wasn't used to it. It was so intense that I wondered if it was love. This wasn't a 6 month **** fest and we aren't 20 yrs old. We had both come out of long term marriages. We were over 30.

 

We had dated prior to finding each other so it wasn't the rebound thing. I was married over 15 yrs. I was with him for 3 and I feel like I have known and loved him longer. As you know love comes in stages. Being intense is part of that. I listened to too many people who had been in relationships for a long time and that love had changed...so it made me feel like ours wasn't real.

 

I will not check his page any further. He is dating some woman now. Am I heartbroken? Yes I am devested. I sent those joke emails out...those fishing kinda emails and got nothing back. So I assume he has moved on. I know i did it but it still hurts. It wasn't love even though I may have used it..it was fear. I would do anything to get him back. However I can't step into the middle of a relationship. His new girl has done nothing to deserve that. But do I want too? YES. I love him enough that I want him to be happy.

[CaliGuy]

I hope this is posted in order. I broke up because it seemed too good to be true. He can't really care about me. We can't really have a future. I got scared because I wasn't used to it. It was so intense that I wondered if it was love. This wasn't a 6 month **** fest and we aren't 20 yrs old. We had both come out of long term marriages. We were over 30.

 

We had dated prior to finding each other so it wasn't the rebound thing. I was married over 15 yrs. I was with him for 3 and I feel like I have known and loved him longer. As you know love comes in stages. Being intense is part of that. I listened to too many people who had been in relationships for a long time and that love had changed...so it made me feel like ours wasn't real.

 

I will not check his page any further. He is dating some woman now. Am I heartbroken? Yes I am devested. I sent those joke emails out...those fishing kinda emails and got nothing back. So I assume he has moved on. I know i did it but it still hurts. It wasn't love even though I may have used it..it was fear. I would do anything to get him back. However I can't step into the middle of a relationship. His new girl has done nothing to deserve that. But do I want too? YES. I love him enough that I want him to be happy.

 

So you broke it off with him because you didn't believe that love was real? Maybe he's like me.

 

He didn't think the joke emails were an open line of communication. Men are dense sometimes. We don't think like women do. We need stuff laid out for us in black and white.

 

My ex's visits to the web site MAY be her way of trying to communicate indirectly with me, but I don't know. I won't ever know because I will not break NC to find out. I'm not going to tell her I know she's been visiting the site either.

 

Sorry to hear about your broken heart. It's amazing how we over-think things so much instead of just accepting them the way they are.

[CaliGuy]

Im not sure if i was in lust or puppy love becuz when u love someone ud take them back unconditonally. All im saying is when a girl is heart broken and wants u back shell go thru hell to get u back.

 

I agree, and it goes for both men and women. If they really want you, nothing will stop them from contacting you.

[dr strangelove]

Maybe your ex has to team up with the tin man

the scarecrow

the cowardly lion

and visit the wizard of oz before that can happen..

 

I hear the wiz is a bit of chronic.. ah but hes good people

[Guest]

Caliguy,

 

Yes , I didn't believe it was real. It was just too good to be true. I had convinced myself the bubble was going to burst and he would leave me once he realized he didn't love me. So I left first basically to stop him from hurting me in the future. You are right about overananalyzing things. I analyzed my relationship to death sadly.

 

He is the most wonderful man I had ever met. He told me he was sadden that I couldn't trust in us. I just wasn't used to being treated so wonderfully. As much as it hurts how can I not wish this man happiness even if it is with someone else?

 

As for the emails yes there was a thought and purpose behind every joke email or forward. I was trying to maintain some sort of contact and open a dialogue. Sort of like hoping for a response of "thanks for the joke". That's all it would have taken and I would have used that to ask how he was.

 

One last quick thing. I don't know if I would have checked his website if I knew he would find out. I'll have to think one that one.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy,

 

Yes , I didn't believe it was real. It was just too good to be true. I had convinced myself the bubble was going to burst and he would leave me once he realized he didn't love me. So I left first basically to stop him from hurting me in the future. You are right about overananalyzing things. I analyzed my relationship to death sadly.

 

He is the most wonderful man I had ever met. He told me he was sadden that I couldn't trust in us. I just wasn't used to being treated so wonderfully. As much as it hurts how can I not wish this man happiness even if it is with someone else?

 

As for the emails yes there was a thought and purpose behind every joke email or forward. I was trying to maintain some sort of contact and open a dialogue. Sort of like hoping for a response of "thanks for the joke". That's all it would have taken and I would have used that to ask how he was.

 

One last quick thing. I don't know if I would have checked his website if I knew he would find out. I'll have to think one that one.

 

Well now that he has someone else in his life you're doing the right thing.

 

Let me know about his web site. I just looked and she checked it on Weds morning. Not sure why though. She just read the blog.

 

Hope you're hanging in there.

[Guest]

Ok. I've thought about it for hours CG. My 1st instinct was to say no I wouldn't look UNLESS it was the safest way to make some kind of contact if I knew you knew for sure. That way I'd have a way out depending on your reaction.

 

I know it seems like game playing CG and maybe it is. All I can say there is if I was strong and in control I wouldn't have broken up to begin with. I would be looking for some way in without rejection since that was my fear to begin with.

 

The main thing that concerns me in your situation is she is still wearing his ring. Please whatever you do, if you decide to make any sort of move address that first before anything else. Girls and rings can be a tricky situation.

[2ndIINone]

He didn't think the joke emails were an open line of communication. Men are dense sometimes. We don't think like women do. We need stuff laid out for us in black and white.

I've always considered Joke emails as an open line of communication if they come after a breakup.... specially if they arrive 1+ months after no communication. I've gotten em' and my first thoughts were... "geez, she's fishing..." and I would ignore em' IF I wasn't interested in working things out. Joke emails are no different then 'mass' text messages at holidays. The latest 'girl' had said we're better off not talking at all.... disappeared off the face of the earth, ignoring all texts, emails and phone. So I decided to disappear as well. "Happy New Years!" text message comes through. (she was fishing) Just after that... she changed her main myspace profile pic to a picture of her from 11 years ago... (who would do that?) This particular picture had significant meaning to me... (she knew why)... again, fishing, trying to get a reaction outta me. Sometimes 'they' just can't swallow their pride and step up to the plate to make contact... but they will often do it in an indirect way 'hoping' that the other person will make the first verbal move.

 

I'm curious Cali - she tends to read your blogs alot... do you mention anything at all about her, your past, women in your life? Anything at all that would make her think... "Hmmm, is he writing about me?..."

[Guest]

2ndIINone brought up an excellent point. What exactly is she reading in your blogs CG? Is there anything about dating or just life in general? Once I found out he was dating I haven't been back since. Its just to painful.

[WiseNitchie]

I think life is really too short to chase ex's i mean i have before but lots and lots of time the ex really isnt worth it.

 

I found someone prettier, kinder, sexier ,smarter, and doesnt have alot of the problems my ex had. My ex had INCEST problems also, her brother was always trynna have sex with her, i mean how weird.

 

Bassically what im saying is just probably just probably one day ull look back and say what did i see in her. And when she starts running back to u, u can prove ur over her by turning her down.

[CaliGuy]

Oh there's lots more to this situation that I can't go into right now. Suffice to say I saw her at a friends funeral yesterday. I'll post more later but I'm doing a-ok (except for losing a friend to suicide).

[WiseNitchie]

But im gonna make myself a promise to never ever ever chase a female unlest unlest im in the wrong. But i had to think to myself that im a human too, nd i dont deserve to be anybodys 2nd choice.

 

Even though in the end i won the whole deal, i spent valuable time on her when i could have spent it on someone who deserved it, i spent days and months of my life wondering when she was coming back to me. Because when u get old u regret things like that.

 

And 78% of women love men who treat them like ****, women are always saying how there are no good men but when they get one they run for the bad men.

 

Im gonna say again when ur in the wrong its okay to chase, but otherwise dont spend no time on NC and all that just find someone better. I been thru this some years ago just go look at my post on"WiseNitchie" or "WiseOne", i had to remind myself though that im "THE SHOWSTOPPER" "The MainEvent" "Mr. WrestleMania.

[CaliGuy]

Warning: This is very long.

 

Now that I've had some time to let this digest, I'll tell you what happened.

 

A week ago this past Thursday I received a call from a mutual friend of the ex's. She was in tears saying her husband (A friend of mine as well) had been in jail and was released. She had not seen him in 5 days, had not eaten, had been drinking/smoking and her marriage was finished. Her family doesn't live close by for support and she doesn't have a lot of female friends. I asked her if she wanted me to come sit with her and she said she did not want to get me involved. She wanted a female friend to sit with her and listen to her vent.

 

Well the only female friend I know that she knows is my ex. So I asked her to call her. She asked me if I would call her for her instead so I said I would. So at 10pm I called and the ex answered the phone. I told her our friend was having trouble and needed her help and that I was worried she might be going over the edge. My ex agreed to call her. Twenty minutes later I get a call from the friend saying my ex is on her way to stay with her that night.

 

I waited and did not hear anything on Friday or Saturday. Sunday at 4pm I decided to call my ex to see how things went. She said that she had just gotten home and that things were bad and not to call my friend. Just wait for her call.

 

This past Tuesday my friend calls me and informs me that her husband had committed suicide and that she wanted me to attend the funeral and yes, my ex would be there (possibly with her fiance). She said "Will you come, I need you there." I said that I would support her regardless of who showed up.

 

About an hour later I received an unsolicited email from the ex's mom. It was a cryptic message saying basically that my ex and our friend have bonded in a special way now and that this could be my "final" test in my ex's eyes. That my ex had called her mom on Sunday on the way home and told her everything that had happened. She warned me not to talk to our friend about my ex (which I don't). She said "I know this is like teasing you with a secret but I am not trying to do that. XXXXX wants a man that will stand by her even if she is wrong." That was weird. Why send that unless she knows some kind of information? Why say that?

 

Anyway, the funeral was this past Friday. I showed up about 10 minutes before my ex. I was talking to some mutual friends when she arrived, alone. I did not approach her instead choosing to continue talking to friends. A few minutes later she approaches me and gives me a one-armed hug. We exchanged pleasantries and she began asking me questions. Questions she already knew the answers to from reading my web site, including admitting that she had done some research on my new career. Odd for her to do so, why does she care?

 

A few minutes later we walked into the service. I found a seat and my ex sat herself right next to me on my left. Interesting to note during this entire time we interacted she kept her engagement ring hidden from me, purposely. The only speculation I have is that she was either embarrassed by the ring or that she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I just thought that was odd. I already know she is engaged and she knows that, why does it matter? We talked a bit more while waiting for the service to start. She asked more questions and the whole time made a lot of eye contact. This was not just occasionally looking into my eyes. This was deep, long eye contact. This went on every time we talked. Some topics I would bring up and she would bring up others. Mostly about our families. I did not ask her any personal questions (ie: Her fiance, etc).

 

When the service was over our friend invited us to come to her house and eat and talk about our now deceased friend. My ex said "I can stay about 1/2 hour." So when we arrived I immediately went into the house, got some food and went to the back porch and chatted with friends. My ex stayed inside talking to our friend's sisters. After an hour had passed I decided it was time to go. I went and found our friend and let her know I was going. She asked me "Do you really have to go, can you stay?" I said I have some things to take care of. Since the ex was still there I figured that if I ignored her that she would think I was still bitter (I am not). I decided to say goodbye to her and make it short and casual. So as I passed her on the couch I said "Hey, gotta go. Talk to you later." She said "OK." That's it, right? Nope.

 

As the mutual friend and I were outside talking by my bike who walks up but the ex (about 30 seconds after we started talking.) I was paying attention to my friend, sharing some funny stories and making her laugh. I was basically relaxed, fun, energetic and happy. The ex started interjecting herself into the conversation. The whole time smiling at me and intently listening in on the conversation. She complemented me on my bike, said I did a great job and that taking my time was the right way to do it.

 

I tried to keep my focus on our friend, even after my ex said "Hey can you tell me how to get to the track? I have a track day this weekend." Well, why wouldn't she have asked her fiance for directions? And BTW that was a blatent lie. She did not have a track day, her fiance was racing that weekend. I know because we both race and the track she mentioned had a race that weekend. They do not have track days on race weekends, even she knows that. Why not just be honest and tell me she was spending the weekend with him? It's not like I don't know they are engaged.

 

Anyway I suggested to the friend that we go for a ride and she said "Well XXXX did not put the tire on the bike. Can you do it for me?" I said "Sure." She then said "I thought you said you had to go" and I said "Well I have a few minutes, I can help you out." So I went to the garage to put the tire back on the bike. The whole time my ex stood there talking to someone else while watching me work. In fact, when I cut my hand she brought out a band-aid.

 

When I was done, I test rode the bike, my ex was watching and smiling at me. This time when I was leaving I grabbed my jacket and made sure to talk to our friend without my ex being there. I tried to console her as best I could and let her know that I would be there for her if she needed me. When we said goodbye I just jumped on my bike and left. I said nothing further to my ex.

 

To summarize here, I am not looking into anything other than "It is what it is." I'm not sitting here cooking up schemes to win her back nor do I think she did anything to possibly indicate she wanted to reconcile. In fact, that's really the furthest thing from my mind. Right now it's our mutual friend who is not only dealing with the loss of her husband, but is harboring the terrible knowledge of what he did to land in jail which is exactly why he committed suicide. She wouldn't tell me what he did but I looked it up. Let's just say it's worse than murder and he was looking at 3 life sentences.

 

What I am curious about is why so much eye contact, why the personal questions she already knew the answers, why she went out of her way to hide her engagement ring and why she followed me and paid so much attention to me. There were plenty of other people there for her to talk to.

 

She's engaged. I know that, she knows that. I don't care that she is spending the weekend with her fiance, why lie about it?

 

It's these confusing, mixed signals that has always bugged me about her. If she has one true fault it is exactly that. It's why we had such a hard time during the course of our relationship. I'm a mostly black/white kind of guy. She's very much grey matter. You never know what she is thinking or whether what she is saying is truth or not. She goes to painstaking lengths to keep her private life away from anyone, including those who are close to her. She just doesn't want to be embarrassed or appear to fail in anyone's eyes.

 

In a way, I am glad things unfolded this way. It was redemption for me in the sense that the old me is truly dead. I did not go out of my way to talk to her, I was happy, fun, light-hearted and showed that I have a full life that does not include her. No begging, pleading to talk or even a hint that I needed her.

 

And I don't need her, of that I know. I guess I am hoping for some kind of answers to why she was behaving that way. I should add that if you remember the topic of this thread, she was visiting the web site often and I did happen to hear from a mutual friend that she said "The wedding is on the back burner right now" a few months ago. Not that I care, but when the wedding is on hold for good reasons don't you usually say the reason why? And if it's on hold for a bad reason, aren't you vague about it, like saying "It's on the back burner."???

 

I know this sounds like I am trying to come up with the rationalization that things aren't working out between her and her fiance but really, there is no outside indication that they are not. She's still wearing his ring, after all. Not that it matters in the long run because even if it doesn't work out, there's nothing to indicate that she would want to start with me again OR that I would even entertain going through that "Hell on Earth" again.

 

If you've managed to get through all of this and have some insight, I'd love to hear it. If you're going to tell me "Wah, you still want your ex!" give it a break. I'm not asking if I want her back. I'm asking why the odd behavior. Factor in the web site visits, what she told friends and everythign she did at the funeral and at our friends house.

 

I've had enough lectures telling me I am not over her and I am here to tell you that this past Friday, to me at least, was proof that I handled it fine and regardless of what she thinks, I felt GOOD when I left. Not because I feel that she might have been impressed or seen the old me returning. It was simply the fact that, after so much hard work on myself and lots of prayer (and prayers answered), I was able to get through this and not feel like crap! I've felt pretty good actually about everything that transpired because at least right now I received the validation I was seeking - from myself and NOT her

 

And FWIW, I wasn't sitting there the whole time thinking at all "Man, I want this woman back." In fact, in many ways I was very relieved that there were no butterflies, no nerves and no urge to dive into her personal life.

[Faith2]

Warning: This is very short.

 

The deep eye contact means she was trying to read you, to see by looking deeply into your eyes if you still love her. Now I'm speaking for myself here, from by own view... but when I gaze deeply into a man's eyes it's because my heart beats for him and I'm looking for that love to be returned in his gaze.

 

CG, I've mentioned this before... I still have a feeling that she considers herself the dumpee since you did the kicking-out. If I'm correct, then as a dumpee she is waiting for you to make a move of reconciliation.

 

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear... but it's what I see.

[CaliGuy]

Warning: This is very short.

 

The deep eye contact means she was trying to read you, to see by looking deeply into your eyes if you still love her. Now I'm speaking for myself here, from by own view... but when I gaze deeply into a man's eyes it's because my heart beats for him and I'm looking for that love to be returned in his gaze.

 

CG, I've mentioned this before... I still have a feeling that she considers herself the dumpee since you did the kicking-out. If I'm correct, then as a dumpee she is waiting for you to make a move of reconciliation.

 

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear... but it's what I see.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I will tell you in the past I chased her like there was no tomorrow. I did all the wrong things. Begging, pleading, crying (yep, even that). I chased her for months after we broke up. When she came back, that lasted 3 months and she was off again.

 

I guess my point here is that she has no problem running off to spend the weekend with her fiance. They live together. If she had any doubts about him then she would start to curtail their time together. She isn't doing that.

 

I believe the biggest mistake I could make right now would be to make some move of reconcilliation. Especially when she has made no verbal indication she wants to reconcile and the fact that she's still wearing his ring.

 

She's smart enough to know that as long as I know she's wearing his ring, there's no chance in hell I would broach the subject. It has to come from her, not me and even then, I don't think I would entertain it unless she could guarantee me there would be no repeats of the past.

 

And that's something I don't think she can guarantee.

 

I know what the long gazing into each other's eyes mean. She's also told me in the past I have beautiful eyes. Maybe in her case she just likes to look at them and it meant nothing. At least, that's what I believe.

 

I think if she really wanted me to come to her, she'd give me a much more blatent sign. Still wearing his ring is NOT a sign she wants to reconcile.

 

In other words, I hear what you are saying. I just don't see how she could feel that way given she has not given me any indication to the latter.

 

Also, the web site visits have stopped so that's also a sign that perhaps she resolved whatever feelings of doubt she had and is moving on.

 

Thanks. I really do appreciate your insight. I just have no way to know for sure without looking like a doormat, and I won't do that ever again.

[Faith2]

I just have no way to know for sure without looking like a doormat, and I won't do that ever again.

 

If this is your bottom line no matter what, then everything else... hmm, what did she mean by that?... is merely idle conjecture.

 

I know you advocate the Gospel of No Contact as strongly for yourself as for others here on LS... and your wisdom on that is well received. And you also put forth "neither hell nor high water" and other guiding principles. But you know, it's just not always as formulaic as that.

 

This recent event of death, especially in that it was a suicide, has no doubt made many of your circle look deep within themselves about their own lives and how they want to live. Your ex is not immune to this introspection and self-questioning, especially in light of the intense time she spent with the widow.

 

I venture to say that, considering the strained circumstances of the funeral, your ex would certainly not make a blatant move. But she did give you very clear signals... again IMO. I believe I understand what she was doing because I would have behaved in the same manner... the gazing, the seeking you out, and staying near you. Even concealing the ring.

 

Well anyway...

I'll go ahead and post this, even though I have a feeling it'll get shot down. But hey, you asked.

[Guest]

Your EX at least IMHO is definately trying to see if you have feelings for her CG. I also think Faith has a point that she feels like the dumpee or at least it was more 1/2 and 1/2.

 

Us girls and our engagements/weddings rings: we have that baby out there for all to see if we are in love. It could have come from a Cracker Jack Box and we wouldn't care. Well most of us who aren't shallow anyway. I am trying to put myself in her place in why she would hide it.

 

Guilt. I would feel guilty and be afraid of hurting your feelings or be afraid of me hurting if you saw it and made no comment or said what a nice ring he bought you in other words I would be afraid to see you didn't care.

 

You handled the whole thing with class and dignity CG. I am so proud of you.

 

I am sorry for your friend's pain.

[CaliGuy]

If this is your bottom line no matter what, then everything else... hmm, what did she mean by that?... is merely idle conjecture.

 

I know you advocate the Gospel of No Contact as strongly for yourself as for others here on LS... and your wisdom on that is well received. And you also put forth "neither hell nor high water" and other guiding principles. But you know, it's just not always as formulaic as that.

 

This recent event of death, especially in that it was a suicide, has no doubt made many of your circle look deep within themselves about their own lives and how they want to live. Your ex is not immune to this introspection and self-questioning, especially in light of the intense time she spent with the widow.

 

I venture to say that, considering the strained circumstances of the funeral, your ex would certainly not make a blatant move. But she did give you very clear signals... again IMO. I believe I understand what she was doing because I would have behaved in the same manner... the gazing, the seeking you out, and staying near you. Even concealing the ring.

 

Wow, really? When then would you wear the ring and hide it instead of taking it off? Would you also have not told the truth about where you were going that weekend? I know that she followed me around to chat, that was obvious. I know that she made a lot of eye contact. But she also was still wearing the ring and was anxious to see her fiance that weekend. At least it seemed that way to me.

 

 

Well anyway...

I'll go ahead and post this, even though I have a feeling it'll get shot down. But hey, you asked.

 

Heh, I am not trying to shoot you down. And yes I did ask! I'm just very analytical. And I know my ex. If she wanted to be with me, she would start by sending innocent emails to fish me out. That's how she operated before.

 

She hasn't done that.

 

Yes, she made lots of eye contact, asked a lot of personal questions, hid the engagement ring and sought me out a few times. If it matters, yes I did return the eye contact.

 

I guess where I sit right now is the simple knowledge that she is wearing his ring and she isn't visiting the web site anymore. Add in that she isn't sending emails or calling and I really have no reason to believe she is trying to reach out to me.

 

She well knows how to reach me.