Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[Art_Critic]

And I know my ex. If she wanted to be with me

 

 

I would agree that if she wanted to be with you that she would be.. one thing is for sure and that is that she wouldn't be engaged and living with someone else if she wanted to be with you.

 

I would disagree with you in the fact that you know your ex..you don't.. you no longer know her.. She is a different person now.. years have passed since you were together and we all change.

The same could be said about you.. She no longer knows you and who you are as you are different than you were 3 years ago.

 

Version 2.0 of Caliguy is way better than version 1.0

[CaliGuy]

I would agree that if she wanted to be with you that she would be.. one thing is for sure and that is that she wouldn't be engaged and living with someone else if she wanted to be with you.

 

I would disagree with you in the fact that you know your ex..you don't.. you no longer know her.. She is a different person now.. years have passed since you were together and we all change.

The same could be said about you.. She no longer knows you and who you are as you are different than you were 3 years ago.

 

Version 2.0 of Caliguy is way better than version 1.0

 

Thank you, Art.

 

In your personal opinion, do you think I am handling this the right way? It just strikes me as odd her behavior. Her actions aren't really correlating with each other.

 

For example: The web site visits, the looking up my new career, the eye contact, the hiding of the ring, the following me around, all the personal questions, the lying about where she was going that weekend. All along still wearing the ring and living with her fiance.

 

I guess CaliGuy version 2.0 understands that people who really want to be with you will go out of their way to make it known. They wouldn't give subtle hints while still living with an ex and wearing his ring.

 

I just think contacting her right now is not a good idea. It would show her that I'm still on a string, feed her ego and let her know that I'll be around anytime she wants me.

 

At least when I left her on Friday she could not say that. I wasn't following her around like a dog, I wasn't asking her personal questions about her relationship or feelings and I was simply smiling, laughing and being my normal, confident/secure self.

 

We've both changed a lot that is for sure. But I will not make any moves. She has to be the one to come to me and even then, as I said before, she can't really guarantee things would be different this time regardless of if I asked her for one.

[whichwayisup]

I think she was feeling out the situation, and putting on a good show (not malciously) to make sure that you saw her in a 'good' light, that you don't hate her, and to make sure you're not angry with her. She wants you to want her, but she really doesn't 'want' you that way anymore. .. This was all about her ego. Again, I don't believe it's coming from a malicious place, it's more about HER than you.

[Art_Critic]

In your personal opinion, do you think I am handling this the right way? It just strikes me as odd her behavior. Her actions aren't really correlating with each other.

 

I think you are handling the best way you know how.. you certainly aren't doing anything wrong..

 

Her checking up on you is just that.. checking up on you.. She might never stop doing that..

You were with her for years.. So it would stand to reason that you will ALWAYS be on her mind in some fashion or another..

 

Her looking up info on your website is just curiosity and the fact that she wanted to know what was happening in your life.. the hiding of the ring was meaningless also.. She might have been embarrassed or she might have been sparing your feelings knowing how her engagement hurt you.

 

I think you need to learn to show absolute indifference with her ( which it sounds like you are showing her ).

Indifference is the only thing that works for both parties..

 

Now if one day she calls you up or emails you that she misses you and wants to get back together then the rules would need to change, but until then keep healing from this..

[Art_Critic]

Caliguy.. Show some other women Version 2.0.. he is the one that matters today.. Version 1.0 is gone..

 

Hope your new job and home is doing you good..

[CaliGuy]

I think she was feeling out the situation, and putting on a good show (not malciously) to make sure that you saw her in a 'good' light, that you don't hate her, and to make sure you're not angry with her. She wants you to want her, but she really doesn't 'want' you that way anymore. .. This was all about her ego. Again, I don't believe it's coming from a malicious place, it's more about HER than you.

 

I actually agree with you, WWIU, given all the evidence. I am sticking to the notion that if someone wants you, they know where to find you. She knows my number, my email and my IM address. If she wanted to contact me, she would. She isn't so I am taking that as a sign she is happily engaged and just wanted her ego fed.

 

I think the worst thing I could do is make any contact with her and fish her feelings out. That would simply put me right back to square one and show I have no changed.

 

And there's no way in hell I am doing that. I've definitely learned my lesson.

[Art_Critic]

I actually agree with you, WWIU, given all the evidence. I am sticking to the notion that if someone wants you, they know where to find you. She knows my number, my email and my IM address. If she wanted to contact me, she would.

 

Perfect..Stick to those feelings..

This is what I have also felt about any of my ex's as well.. If they want you back they know how to get a hold of you.. Period.. leave it at that

[CaliGuy]

I think you are handling the best way you know how.. you certainly aren't doing anything wrong..

 

Her checking up on you is just that.. checking up on you.. She might never stop doing that..

You were with her for years.. So it would stand to reason that you will ALWAYS be on her mind in some fashion or another..

 

Her looking up info on your website is just curiosity and the fact that she wanted to know what was happening in your life.. the hiding of the ring was meaningless also.. She might have been embarrassed or she might have been sparing your feelings knowing how her engagement hurt you.

 

Yep, that I just don't understand and I may never understand it. It was the combination of hiding the ring AND lying about where she was going afterwards. I already know she is engaged, so why hide the ring? I already know WHO she is engaged to, why lie about spending the weekend with him? Duh. That's what engaged couples do. I almost feel like she was trying to lead me to believe she MIGHT not be seeing him again by her actions and words. But even she can't think I am that naive.

 

I think you need to learn to show absolute indifference with her ( which it sounds like you are showing her ).

Indifference is the only thing that works for both parties..

 

Now if one day she calls you up or emails you that she misses you and wants to get back together then the rules would need to change, but until then keep healing from this..

 

Agreed. I showed her a lot of indifference. Especially the way I "casually" said goodbye and when I finally did leave, said nothing to her. No need to say it twice or to seek her out. In both cases, she sought me out (when she got there and when I left). In no way did I show her any favorism over anyone else. She was just another person at a funeral and dinner.

 

 

Caliguy.. Show some other women Version 2.0.. he is the one that matters today.. Version 1.0 is gone..

 

Hope your new job and home is doing you good..

 

Thanks and yes, I am showing women version 2.0. I'm smiling more than ever and enjoying life. I realized a long time ago I don't need someone to be happy. Having someone is great, but it only compliments my life it does not complete it.

 

New job is going well but I am having some issues trying to get out of my lease. They're giving me a hard time even though I am relocating for a new job opportunity and it's 80 miles away. They want me to honor the lease!

[CaliGuy]

Perfect..Stick to those feelings..

This is what I have also felt about any of my ex's as well.. If they want you back they know how to get a hold of you.. Period.. leave it at that

 

Amen!

 

Not to discredit any earlier advice, but what evidence other than some eye contact, her following me around, her lying about where she was going and hiding the ring do I have?

 

She never flat out said "Hey, I would like to hang out sometime..." or "Hey are you dating anyone?"

 

There was no direct evidence and as we all know, when they want you, they will tell you. I don't care who they are!

[2sunny]

Sometimes CG- there are just really nice men in life that we women cannot ever get out of our heads. When we bump into them again - the attraction is still there and can't be helped....

 

She may NEVER be OVER you... you may NEVER be OVER her...

 

That doesn't necessarily mean that you need to act on the emotional feeling that comes when you see them.... (which I think you did a pretty good job of - by the way).

 

Sometimes - if things and relationships are too complicated and difficult - it just takes all the fun and interest and romance out of it.

 

She's played with you and your emotions for quite a while. I can understand your thoughts of still wanting her.

 

Maybe she knows you are moving to SD and changing a bunch of things in your life and doesn't really want to be left out or let it go completely.

 

If SHE loved you - she would want you to move forward and be totally happy.

[CaliGuy]

Sometimes CG- there are just really nice men in life that we women cannot ever get out of our heads. When we bump into them again - the attraction is still there and can't be helped....

 

She may NEVER be OVER you... you may NEVER be OVER her...

 

That doesn't necessarily mean that you need to act on the emotional feeling that comes when you see them.... (which I think you did a pretty good job of - by the way).

 

Sometimes - if things and relationships are too complicated and difficult - it just takes all the fun and interest and romance out of it.

 

She's played with you and your emotions for quite a while. I can understand your thoughts of still wanting her.

 

Maybe she knows you are moving to SD and changing a bunch of things in your life and doesn't really want to be left out or let it go completely.

 

If SHE loved you - she would want you to move forward and be totally happy.

 

She does know I am moving to SD and knows that right now my life is moving in a positive and exciting direction (why else would she research what my new job is about?!). She knows my faith has moved along as well.

 

Basically she can see a lot of things in me now that she did not see before. Maybe that is the curiosity. Maybe she wanted to see up close and personal if the things I said on my web site were true.

 

Either way, it again comes back to the same thing....neither hell nor high water will stop them from contacting you if they REALLY want to be with you.

 

No matter what happens, I am sticking to that notion. I'm tired of chasing her. Chasing her got me nowhere and wasted a ton of my time and emotional energy - energy better spent on making myself happy

[2sunny]

I am sure she is thinking about you... and wondering a multitude of things. Doesn't mean she will do anything about it except wonder forever.

 

This happened to me about twelve years ago when I attended a funeral and had a guy that I will always be interested in sit behind me.

 

Nothing ever became of it - because I was married... but I did think about him a lot for the next month or so.

 

Some gals will react - and some won't - but some will wonder forever... that is the answer to your question.

 

If you have further questions - you can pm me...

[Art_Critic]

I'm tired of chasing her. Chasing her got me nowhere and wasted a ton of my time and emotional energy -

 

I had an ex that I chased for the better part of a year.. what a waste of time, energy and thoughts she turned out to be..

I was so busy trying to get her back that I wasn't moving on from her..

 

Once I realized that she wasn't worth the time or my thoughts anymore I moved on and found someone else..

[CaliGuy]

I had an ex that I chased for the better part of a year.. what a waste of time, energy and thoughts she turned out to be..

I was so busy trying to get her back that I wasn't moving on from her..

 

Once I realized that she wasn't worth the time or my thoughts anymore I moved on and found someone else..

 

Some women love to be chased.

Others will feel caged in when chased.

 

In her case, my ex likes to be the one doing the chasing. If I chase her, she will run.

 

I've been trying to find someone else but too hard I think. Right now I am just content with life and have a lot of exciting things going on. It's too much of a waste of my time to chase her. It will get me nowhere.

 

She chased ME around during that service and after. That's what surprised me. I did nothing to show her that I wanted her time or attention. I left her with a good impression of me.

 

If I were to do anything now to show my interest that would push her away and set me back to square one in her eyes.

 

I'm not trying to pat myself on the back here, I'm just happy with the way I handled things because I know in the past I would have sat there begging her for another chance making me look pitiful in her eyes.

 

So the side benefits of this are that I boosted my confidence and self-esteem. I left her with a good impression and if nothing comes of this, which I doubt it will, at least I feel better knowing life does go on and I don't NEED her in my life. I never have.

[whichwayisup]

In her case, my ex likes to be the one doing the chasing.

 

Thrill of the chase, the big ego feed.....

 

Sometimes it's just best to let them think whatever. She obviously felt the need to play it up - And it helped her in some sort of way.

 

You seem to have a handle on it all and yes, in a way she gave you an ego boost so you can move on even more....

 

PS Sorry for your loss of your friend. I didn't mention that earlier...

[CaliGuy]

Your EX at least IMHO is definately trying to see if you have feelings for her CG. I also think Faith has a point that she feels like the dumpee or at least it was more 1/2 and 1/2.

 

Us girls and our engagements/weddings rings: we have that baby out there for all to see if we are in love. It could have come from a Cracker Jack Box and we wouldn't care. Well most of us who aren't shallow anyway. I am trying to put myself in her place in why she would hide it.

 

Guilt. I would feel guilty and be afraid of hurting your feelings or be afraid of me hurting if you saw it and made no comment or said what a nice ring he bought you in other words I would be afraid to see you didn't care.

 

You handled the whole thing with class and dignity CG. I am so proud of you.

 

I am sorry for your friend's pain.

 

Thank you. I am leaning towards her hiding the ring and not being truthful of where she was going as to not hurt my feelings more so than to lead me to believe things were not so great with her fiance.

 

She knows that I know she is engaged. Hiding the ring to me just seems childish. Maybe she just didn't want me to comment on it?

[CaliGuy]

Thrill of the chase, the big ego feed.....

 

Sometimes it's just best to let them think whatever. She obviously felt the need to play it up - And it helped her in some sort of way.

 

You seem to have a handle on it all and yes, in a way she gave you an ego boost so you can move on even more....

 

PS Sorry for your loss of your friend. I didn't mention that earlier...

 

Yep. It's a big ego boost to her. For she chased her fiance and caught him. In my case, I chased and she ran. The more I chased, the harder she ran away.

 

I got an ego boost and perhaps so did she. I don't know. I think leaving the second time without saying goodbye again was maybe not so much a boost to her but a boost to me. I proved I didn't need to talk to her.

 

And thanks about my friend. I can say that after finding out what he did, he decided to take justic on himself. I can't say he deserved to die, but I think he would not have been able to face his friends and family.

 

It's a life wasted. He could have done some good things. He left a loving wife and 10 year old son wondering if they were really loved at all.

[Guest]

I've had time to think about the ring some more CG if it was me. I would be torn. Let me explain. Obviously she could have just taken it off but she couldn't at the same time because she is engaged so you just don't do that out of loyalty. On the otherhand is you so yes I would try to cover it up only if there were feelings there.

 

The only right and decent way that ring comes off is if she breaks up with him or at least lets him know something is wrong. I would be in utter chaos if the man I had a relationship with and was still in love with saw that. This is the wrong and unfair part. Whatever happens she still her safety net with him. I hope in some small way I'm helping CG. I could be way off base but that's how I would feel. Frozen and too afraid to make another mistake. So I make a worse one and do nothing. Damn.

[Faith2]

Now, in light of these various conclusions about what she may or may not have been doing/thinking/feeling... what do you make of the email from her mother?

[CaliGuy]

Now, in light of these various conclusions about what she may or may not have been doing/thinking/feeling... what do you make of the email from her mother?

 

Her mom has never sent me anything like that before. Ever.

 

So I think she may know something but is unwilling to tell me for fear that she doesn't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed later.

 

It was the most odd, cryptic message she has ever sent me.

 

I do know this: That patience and being busy with my life is the best thing to do. If I even hint to my ex that I am interested in her, it will scare her away. She wants to chase, she wants to see the man in her life as a prize. I can not do that if I am chasing.

 

That is the main reason I am refusing to contact her or try and feel her out. As I said before, I love her and the feelings are still there, but if I have learned anything from the past it's that chasing her will only result in ME getting hurt.

[bendit]

I think your chances of yet another go around with her improve once you move to SD, because you will create a long distance situation. Since she is "intimacy"

challenged and a commitment phobe (imo), that is a much safer dynamic for her. She would probably triangulate you with her fiance, creating a situation where she is "desired" by both of you.

[CaliGuy]

I think your chances of yet another go around with her improve once you move to SD, because you will create a long distance situation. Since she is "intimacy"

challenged and a commitment phobe (imo), that is a much safer dynamic for her. She would probably triangulate you with her fiance creating a situation where she is "desired" by both of you.

 

Maybe so. I will not accept being second choice in her life though and as long as she is wearing HIS engagement ring, that's really I will ever be. That's why I thought her hiding the ring was odd.

 

Was she trying to hide that she is still engaged and lying so that I would THINK that she might be single again (and thus trying to get a rise out of me) or what is simply that she did not want to hurt my feelings?

 

Well, I KNOW she is engaged. I know she is living with him. What does it matter if I see the ring or know she is spending the weekend with him? Who cares?! It's got nothing to do with me.

[bendit]

Even if she "broke" off the engagement, and gave back the ring, it wouldn't be "over" with him. She would run to you, and tell you she broke it off, and worm her way back into your good graces. She would say all the right things, visit you on weekends or just often enough to keep your hopes up.

 

But her ex fiance would still be in the picture occupying the fallback position (a point on the triangle), and as a centerpiece of the newly formed "drama" between you and her. There is always drama right? She would also be going back to "him" when she left you. That's why you moving creates an attractive situation for this to play out if she chooses to give in to her intimacy issues and break her engagement.

 

She would tell you she just has some loose ends to tie up with him. I guarantee she would keep him on the hook.

[Faith2]

Her mom has never sent me anything like that before. Ever.

 

So I think she may know something but is unwilling to tell me for fear that she doesn't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed later.

 

It was the most odd, cryptic message she has ever sent me.

 

It's unfortunate that you have no precedent with her mom to simply ask her to be open and direct with you.

 

If I even hint to my ex that I am interested in her, it will scare her away. She wants to chase, she wants to see the man in her life as a prize. I can not do that if I am chasing.

 

Ah, I see. This is new information to me. Well, from what you have described, it sounds like you certainly presented yourself as a prize, by handling the situation Friday with self-assurance and social aplomb. It will be interesting to see what may develop in the next few days.

[CaliGuy]

Even if she "broke" off the engagement, and gave back the ring, it wouldn't be "over" with him. She would run to you, and tell you she broke it off, and worm her way back into your good graces. She would say all the right things, visit you on weekends or just often enough to keep your hopes up.

 

But her ex fiance would still be in the picture occupying the fallback position (a point on the triangle), and as a centerpiece of the newly formed "drama" between you and her. There is always drama right? She would also be going back to "him" when she left you. That's why you moving creates an attractive situation for this to play out if she chooses to give in to her intimacy issues and break her engagement.

 

She would tell you she just has some loose ends to tie up with him. I guarantee she would keep him on the hook.

 

 

True. The only difference here is when she broke things off with me, we were just "dating."

 

He gave her a ring and she accepted. Should she choose to return the ring, I think he might be a lot less likely to play that game. To me at least, breaking off an engagement is serious business and rejection at a level far greater than just breaking it off with someone you haven't committed to.

 

At least, that's the logical black/white side of my brain talking