Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[bendit]

bj, from my perspective, which goes back to autumn 2005, we will just have to disagree on that score.

[bridget_jones]

Yes I thought about this a little bit. My theory, and I could be wrong, is that Caliguy is going through a transitional period in his life, moving in a few months embarking on a new career. I am moving across the country in a few months myself for a new job and I admit this transitional period has brought on thoughts of my ex, even though I know deep down it would never work with him. It's just that I'm leaving the state, and it's sort of finalizing the relationship even further (even though we broke up 7 months ago.) Once in a while I'll still have a "what if". I also have thoughts of "this is a great adventure and I will meet someone great" too. So it's happy yet sentimental feelings all at the same time.

Let me know if I'm way off base here.

[bridget_jones]

bj, from my perspective, which goes back to autumn 2005, we will just have to disagree on that score.

 

I wasn't really disagreeing with your point of view. I was just saying that Caliguy posted about his ex in this thread and lots of posters responded, so a lot of Cali's posts were responding to what they said. In addition, during the course of this thread, he did see his ex in person after a long time! That seriously brings up thoughts, it's hard not to think about it. I have an exboyfriend from 4 YEARS ago that I run into every few months. I have NO feelings romantically left for him, I STILL get a little JUMP in my heart when I run into him around town. It's just natural!

[bendit]

I wasn't really disagreeing with your point of view. I was just saying that Caliguy posted a lot about his ex in this thread and lots of posters responded, so a lot of Cali's posts were responding to what they said. In addition, during the course of this thread, he did see his ex in person after a long time! That seriously brings up thoughts, it's hard not to think about it. I have an exboyfriend from 4 YEARS ago that I run into every few months. I have NO feelings romantically left for him, I STILL get a little JUMP in my heart when I run into him around town. It's just natural!

 

of course...but if you read the thread carefully you see that cali keeps it alive with open ended questions like "what do you girls think." Of course seeing her has put him back in the relationship in his mind. Why do you think people advocate NC? Its to prevent this very thing from happening. Its taken on a life of its own. Cali preaches but does not Practice NC. He practices a crude form of NC solely designed to covertly "reel" in your EX so that they might consider giving you a second chance. It's very passive aggressive in a way.

 

The fact is that its been almost two years, she is now ENGAGED, and he is still here in Second Chances with a six page long thread after heavy duty contact, and fantasies of reconciliation.

[CaliGuy]

hmmm cali and I go way back so he won't mind if I ...

 

Cali, you first posted about this girl almost two years ago. and at least to my eyes you are just as obsessed with her as you were that day. you keep saying you are "indifferent" but that's hardly the case. I mean you pour over IP logs looking for "evidence", you are still in contact with her and her mother, and you secretly hope she is going to call or email you.

 

Incorrect. I hadn't even checked the logs until I made the original post and even then, it wasn't until I saw the multiple hits that I thought something was weird.

 

Cali how you ever earned the name king of NC is a real mystery to me. You aren't and never have been NC with this person. You practically have left a trail of breadcrumbs to your door for her given you never changed your email phone number and even have a blog you know she reads.

 

I dunno either. I am adamant about it but I have never given myself the title. My email is attached to my web site and I've had it for years. I am not changing it for her.

 

I shouldn't HAVE to change anything because of her nor will I. It's like saying "Yeah, I have to change my LIFE because of you." I'm not playing that game.

 

The blog is for my friends and family and my site is centered on racing. There's very little personal information for her or anyone else to read.

 

You've broken up with her multiple times yet somehow you award her this "prize" status that frankly not a one of us can see. You somehow have this fantasy that she is your dream girl and the only one who can make you happy. After almost two years you still have Oneitis, and for a girl that is engaged and who pretty much devalued you every chance she could. (I have read your story on another forum).

 

I disagree. I am sure there are many other women better suited for me. It's not like I haven't been keeping my eyes peeled and it's not like I am chasing my ex. I have done nothing of the sort.

 

I say you are darn lucky that she isn't reeling you in right now for another go around because I am 90% sure you would take her up on it, provided she told you what you wanted to hear. You talk a good game but you would melt if she offered you the chance to reconcile.

 

The question was posed to me "What would you do if she wanted to try again?"

 

My answer was simple: "What guarantee could she give me that the same thing wouldn't happen?"

 

She can't and that's what is keeping me looking forward, not behind. The point of this thread wasn't to find out if I should contact her, it was her unusual behavior. She's never acted like that before.

 

Nothing has changed here. You don't know if she has changed. I say she hasn't. You do know she got a boob job. Positive change? How would you like to be her fiance with her giving mixed signals and spying on your website. Nice catch ehhh? Have you changed? Perhaps externally. But it seems to me you are still, after almost two years, posting on and on about an Unavailable woman. How many years are you going to let go by without addressing your avoidance of moving forward with your life?

 

First off, YOU don't know if she has changed nor do you know if I have. If you go back to some of my original post you can see the changes. Heck, even AC sees them. It was hard not to notice the boob job. She went from b's to d's. How could I NOT notice it? She told me she was going to get them when I first met her.

 

As for what she is doing to him, well, I believe that is what she was doing to me when we dated. She's the kind of person who is so worried about making a mistake that it keeps her confused and frustrated. And it's one of the reasons why I have stayed away.

 

However the difference is she accepted this guy's engagement ring, not mine. So in essense that's all I have to go on. For all I know she's just getting her reassurance she is making the right decision. My life, however, moves forward regardless of what she is doing.

 

I don't' know if you ever told the folks on second chances forum what happened when you disappeared from loveshack for three months last year right after posting that you thought your second chance was real. I imagine something disastrous happened, but I haven't seen you address it.

 

It wasn't disasterous. It was something that opened my eyes to a lot of things. Particularly my own behavior and lack of self-respect. I've nothing to prove to LS at all. Just to myself. That's why I don't let comments like yours or Alphas or anyone else bother me.

 

It's myself (and God) that I am held accountable to. So while I appreciate the opinions and no offense, they just don't carry much weight with me. In the end all that matters is how I feel (in regards to my life) and right now, believe it or not, I feel pretty damn good

 

That recounting, instead of this incessant wondering about why a mysterious person does mysterious things, would do more for the folks on this forum than this non stop obsessing you do over this person you can't seem to shake.regards

 

I'm curious and inquisitive by nature. I also over-analyze everything (it's why I said it makes for a good network architect but not a great relationship).

 

What you haven't seen me do is look for excuses or reasons to contact her, now have you?

 

You haven't heard me say I can't live without her. I AM and happily so.

 

You haven't heard me scheme of ways to win her back. I won't.

 

See, the problem with your opinion my friend is that you assume that you know it all, know what is in my heart and mind and think you have everything figured out.

 

I'm sorry, but you don't. You may be right about some things, but you're way off base on others.

 

It's ok. Opinions are great and I appreciate them all. Doesn't mean they're all right on target. Humans are a bit too complicated to pidgeon hole us into one category.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

I think bendit obviously knows CG well and probably is just pointing out to him after 2 years, it's really time to move on and NOT care or think about his ex anymore. She seems to 'be' in his life still, more than she should be.

 

The thing about that is, Bendit knows my post.

 

Bendit isn't around me every day.

Bendit doesn't know what I do every day or what my time is invested in.

 

If he was, he wouldn't assume that I'm obsessed or still at the stage I was 1.5 years ago (not two years, thank you.)

[whichwayisup]

She went from b's to d's. How could I NOT notice it?

'

 

This made me LOL for real. I think (male or female, doesn't matter) when someone gets a boob job and jumps that big, how can ya NOT notice???

[CaliGuy]

of course...but if you read the thread carefully you see that cali keeps it alive with open ended questions like "what do you girls think." Of course seeing her has put him back in the relationship in his mind. Why do you think people advocate NC? Its to prevent this very thing from happening. Its taken on a life of its own. Cali preaches but does not Practice NC. He practices a crude form of NC solely designed to covertly "reel" in your EX so that they might consider giving you a second chance. It's very passive aggressive in a way.

 

The fact is that its been almost two years, she is now ENGAGED, and he is still here in Second Chances with a six page long thread after heavy duty contact, and fantasies of reconciliation.

 

What you fail to recongize is I asked about her behavior.

 

I did not ask to my recollection "Do you think I should pursue my ex now?"

 

Correct me if I am wrong.

 

I asked for some female opinions on her behavior, why she might be hiding the ring and why she lied.

 

You seem to be stuck in the "he's looking for excuses to contact his ex" mode and "He hasn't moved on."

 

All this was sparked by recent events. Other than this thread, can you find some history over the past 3+ months that shows I've been obessing over my ex?

 

Doubtful, but happy hunting.

 

Please don't assume you know me very well (you don't) or you know what my intentions are. Though I am sure a lot of your advice is well intended, it doesn't come off as being very open-minded or fair.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

'

 

This made me LOL for real. I think (male or female, doesn't matter) when someone gets a boob job and jumps that big, how can ya NOT notice???

 

Heh. It wasn't like I was LOOKING to see. I noticed it at the track a few weeks ago. She was wearing her underarmor. If you know what that is, it's stuff football players and others wear to keep cool. It's lycra so it sticks close to the body.

 

Trust me, she wore that when we used to ride together and now they stick out like two big ballons.

 

Only the blind would not have noticed the change.

[whichwayisup]

Only the blind would not have noticed the change.

 

But I bet they would've felt it!

[bendit]

cali in july of 05 you made your first post on LS about Her. Here we are almost two years later and you are still just as confused by her behavior as you were then. You will NEVER understand her because she doesn't even know why she does things. And, you have never been out of contact during this entire time. Yet you don't see the linkage of your contact with her and your inability to shake free of her.

 

I don't understand why you are so secretive about the missing four months of last year when you were away from LS on your second chance opportunity. THAT was a true second (third? forth? fifth?) chance opportunity and knowing the story of what happened there is what would Really help the folks on the second chaces forum. Instead you spend your time obsessing about the "small" things like what does it mean that she is snooping on your site. Instead of relating your very real experience of a failed second chance, you go about "preaching" a pseudo NC, in do as I say, not as I do, fashion.

 

Please Cali tell us all what happened when you went back for your second third fourth or fifth chance last summer. That is what we can all learn from. True experience.

 

But in the end its very cut and dried. I have to wonder that why it is you are sitll posting in second chances about a woman, now engaged, who you first had trouble with in July of 05. Why is that?

[CaliGuy]

cali in july of 05 you made your first post on LS about Her. Here we are almost two years later and you are still just as confused by her behavior as you were then. You will NEVER understand her because she doesn't even know why she does things. And, you have never been out of contact during this entire time. Yet you don't see the linkage of your contact with her and your inability to shake free of her.

 

I don't understand why you are so secretive about the missing four months of last year when you were away from LS on your second chance opportunity.

 

It wasn't a second chance, that's what you don't get. It was an eye opening experience as to my behavior and lack of self-respect. I learned much more about myself and no, we did not even talk about a second chance.

 

For more reasons than you can imagine.

 

Let's just say she wanted to be my friend and I declined. But in the time away from LS my focus was squarely on me, not her.

 

 

 

THAT was a true second (third? forth? fifth?) chance opportunity and knowing the story of what happened there is what would Really help the folks on the second chaces forum. Instead you spend your time obsessing about the "small" things like what does it mean that she is snooping on your site. Instead of relating your very real experience of a failed second chance, you go about "preaching" a pseudo NC, in do as I say, not as I do, fashion.

 

Again, it wasn't a second chance. How could I talk about something that never really existed?

 

Please Cali tell us all what happened when you went back for your second third fourth or fifth chance last summer. That is what we can all learn from. True experience.

 

Explained above.

 

But in the end its very cut and dried. I have to wonder that why it is you are sitll posting in second chances about a woman, now engaged, who you first had trouble with in July of 05. Why is that?

 

Where else should it have been posted? Maybe relationships, but we don't have one. Maybe breakups, but we didn't break up a second time.

 

Maybe coping would have been the best place for the post, but because I spend a lot of time trying to help people who have been through what I've been through I posted here out of habit.

 

WHERE it is posted is not nearly as important as WHAT was posted. And nothing in this thread, at least from my lips, has hinted that I am looking for a second chance.

 

All I wanted was a reasonable explanation of her behavior. I wasn't looking for a psycho-analysis of mine. I already know where I'm at and as I said, I'm pretty dang happy.

 

Or did you miss that?

[CaliGuy]

But I bet they would've felt it!

 

Honestly they look retarded on her. She was fine the way she was. Now she looks top heavy and on her small body, I'm sure that's going to give her headaches later down the road.

 

But hey, her choice. If it makes her feel better about herself, I'm happy for her.

[bendit]

What you fail to recongize is I asked about her behavior.

 

I did not ask to my recollection "Do you think I should pursue my ex now?"

 

Correct me if I am wrong.

 

I asked for some female opinions on her behavior, why she might be hiding the ring and why she lied.

 

You seem to be stuck in the "he's looking for excuses to contact his ex" mode and "He hasn't moved on."

 

All this was sparked by recent events. Other than this thread, can you find some history over the past 3+ months that shows I've been obessing over my ex?

 

Doubtful, but happy hunting.

 

Please don't assume you know me very well (you don't) or you know what my intentions are. Though I am sure a lot of your advice is well intended, it doesn't come off as being very open-minded or fair.

 

Cheers.

 

Why are you Still asking about her behavior after almost two years? Why? Why do you keep the thread alive with more and more questions, long after it has served its purpose? There seems to be one reason and one reason only. You fantasize about another opportunity with this "prize" you have focused on. This is coming up on two years since you first posted about serious issues with her.

 

A careful reading of the thread reveals a guy who is still very much hung up on his long gone ex, his Engaged X. How would you feel if you were engaged to her and you knew there was an X waiting in the wings like you are? Put yourself in his place. This prize that devalued you is now devaluing her Fiance by playing cat and mouse games with you, her X that won't disengage from this drama creation. Yes just as she triangulated you when you two were the happy loving couple, she is doing it to this guy. And just as she would DO to you again and again and again, if you were ever to get back together with her. This is who she is, and will be, unless she fixes herself.

 

The question is why are you so hopelessly enthralled with this emotionally and physically unavailable woman? Why do you want this for yourself? This prize who pretends not to be engaged, and plays little games with you, who "toys" with you, simply because you still happen to be on her hook.

 

As for knowing you and knowing her, I know what I have read. And you have posted Thousands of times, remember? You are an open book about "most" things. Yours is a timeless story that is so easy to read. Its TEXTBOOK. It's a serious case of Oneitis.

 

regards

[bridget_jones]

People do keep on posting, inviting responses, and Caliguy is kind enough to respond and share. He had some recent events, regarding his ex..1. he noticed she had been visiting his site a lot 2. he saw her at a tragic event. So this is going to naturally bring up thoughts.

[bendit]

It wasn't a second chance, that's what you don't get.

 

Or did you miss that?

 

 

What I didn't miss is your exuberant post titled "Don"t believe in second chances?"

 

Or did you forget that the Internet never forgets Cali? Now you are trying to rewrite history.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87667/

 

"Don't believe in second chances?

 

Well, I do." -----Caliguy May 3, 2006

 

Now Cali I will say it again. Please tell us what happened the four months you were gone on the "Second Chance" you so obviously believed in? Do you really want to help people or do you just want to feed them pablum that you don't practice yourself nor believe in? If you want to help them then tell us your story. Tell us your experience. All of it.

 

regards

[CaliGuy]

What I didn't miss is your exuberant post titled "Don"t believe in second chances?"

 

Or did you forget that the Internet never forgets Cali? Now you are trying to rewrite history.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87667/

 

"Don't believe in second chances?

 

Well, I do." -----Caliguy May 3, 2006

 

Now Cali I will say it again. Please tell us what happened the four months you were gone on the "Second Chance" you so obviously believed in? You really want to help people or do you just want to feed them pablum that you don't practice yourself? If you want to help them then tell us your story. All of it.

 

regards

 

 

It wasn't a second chance. That's it. I thought it MIGHT be but that's not the way things turned out.

 

I already told you what happened. She wanted to be friends and I wasn't having any of it.

 

After a week of that, I took myself off of LS and away from her to get my head screwed on straight.

[bendit]

It wasn't a second chance. That's it. I thought it MIGHT be but that's not the way things turned out.

 

I already told you what happened. She wanted to be friends and I wasn't having any of it.

 

After a week of that, I took myself off of LS and away from her to get my head screwed on straight.

 

Gosh that's the kind of thing that would be very very valuable for the folks to hear wouldn't it Cali? That you were all excited about a second chance opportunity, and seized the moment. The result though, was that what transpired is exactly what many of us thought would transpire. That is, it would Blow up, and cause a gigantic setback. A setback you still seem to be reeling from given you are still in contact with X almost a year later, wondering why she toys with you.

 

That's the kind of story that actually helps people Cali. One that reveals the awful awful truth that second chances rarely ever work out. But that's not a convenient story to tell these people because it would mean you yourself would then have to consider giving up your fantasy of yet another go around with non committal X. The fact is here you are a year later, you just experienced heavy contact, and she is still occupying a large space in your mind.

 

regards

[bridget_jones]

I found this thread interesting and helpful as I went through a breakup with my ex of 2 years 8 months ago.

[Ormolu611]

I found this thread interesting and helpful as I went through a breakup with my ex of 2 years 8 months ago.

 

I would certainly have to agree from my perspective too. It helps me get my head around my own experience a little. Every little bit helps!

[CaliGuy]

Gosh that's the kind of thing that would be very very valuable for the folks to hear wouldn't it Cali? That you were all excited about a second chance opportunity, and seized the moment. The result though, was that what transpired is exactly what many of us thought would transpire. That is, it would Blow up, and cause a gigantic setback. A setback you still seem to be reeling from given you are still in contact with X almost a year later, wondering why she toys with you.

 

That's the kind of story that actually helps people Cali. One that reveals the awful awful truth that second chances rarely ever work out. But that's not a convenient story to tell these people because it would mean you yourself would then have to consider giving up your fantasy of yet another go around with non committal X. The fact is here you are a year later, you just experienced heavy contact, and she is still occupying a large space in your mind.

 

regards

 

Fixing yourself is a deeply personal thing. Nobody can drag you out, you have to want to drag yourself out.

 

You sure do spend an aweful lot of time telling me how I feel instead of listening to what I am saying.

 

Maybe it's time you focused on yourself as well.

 

Cheers

[CaliGuy]

I found this thread interesting and helpful as I went through a breakup with my ex of 2 years 8 months ago.

 

Glad I could help

 

I've gotten a lot of opinions on her behavior. I don't know that I'll ever have the real truth but it's neat to hear perspective from others.

 

Thanks!

[bendit]

Fixing yourself is a deeply personal thing. Nobody can drag you out, you have to want to drag yourself out.

 

You sure do spend an aweful lot of time telling me how I feel instead of listening to what I am saying.

 

Maybe it's time you focused on yourself as well.

 

Cheers

 

I do have a way of focusing on the big picture (what matters) don't I cali?

 

regards

[bridget_jones]

I am 38 and never married, I actually think there is MUCH more of a social stigma attached to that. I really don't think women think twice about a bachelor in his late 30s/early 40s.

[bendit]

not as much I will grant you. But both are related to commitment issues imo. you know that there are women out there that are cautioned about a never married man of 40.

 

regards