Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[Yernasia Quorelios]

While this is posted in CG's thread it's a general piece of advice.

 

Except in the cases of extreme abuse, the main reasons for a dumper breaking up can seem obscure. The rationale behind this is that there may be many factors leading to the dumper's decision to break up - even they may be uncertain why they have come to that decision. Whatever reasons they may give, the real reason is likely to be one of the following:

 

* Lack of attention/affection/sex

* Being taken for granted (or feeling that way)

* Not being listened to (or feeling that way)

 

To have any chance of a successful reconciliation, if the opportunity presents itself, the dumpee should do these three things roughly in this order:

 

1 Listen without interrupting only responding to direct questions. Acknowledge and, if necessary, apologise for any accusations that have merit. Be non-commital about way off beam accusations, especially do not argue. This is particularly tough when the dumper starts throwing out what seem like unfair accusations. Bite your tongue and remember the dumper is thinking aloud and sharing their thoughts with you - a risk to them and a compliment to you.

 

2 Ask them about their feelings. Never assume you know what a person is feeling no matter how well you might think you know them. People's feelings change moment by moment (that's why we get together in the first place, dump/get dumped and indeed get offered opportunities of reconciliation ). Remember that you are both in a highly abnormal situation. Some counsellors liken it to a war zone so certain rules of engagement apply that don't in a settled relationship. The primary one here being "do not state the dumper's feelings, ask about them".

 

3 State your own feelings without condemnation. Use "I feel....." rather than "You make me feel......".

 

Comments.......?

[bridget_jones]

My comment is that Cali has accepted it is over, and the opportunity has not presented itself to him to reconcile. He is, however, curious about some of the recent actions of his ex.

[CaliGuy]

My comment is that Cali has accepted it is over, and the opportunity has not presented itself to him to reconcile. He is, however, curious about some of the recent actions of his ex.

 

Exactly.

 

I've never asked "Is this a second chance?!" or "Should I pursue my ex?!"

 

All I want to know is WHY she behaved that way. It's out of character for her. Especially given the way she treated me in the past. Maybe she has matured a bit and is feeling remorseful over her actions.

 

Who knows? I may never know. But I won't beat myself up over it either.

[Dubb]

Exactly.

 

I've never asked "Is this a second chance?!" or "Should I pursue my ex?!"

 

All I want to know is WHY she behaved that way. It's out of character for her. Especially given the way she treated me in the past. Maybe she has matured a bit and is feeling remorseful over her actions.

 

Who knows? I may never know. But I won't beat myself up over it either.

 

I need to learn to be like that. When I catch my ex acting weird I don't know what to think. My ex does things to make sure she gets my attention tho.

[CaliGuy]

I need to learn to be like that. When I catch my ex acting weird I don't know what to think. My ex does things to make sure she gets my attention tho.

 

What I have found that works for me is be indifferent. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

 

Nothing will tick an ex off like showing them you can and WILL live without them. I mean "How dare you have fun and have a life without me?!" is what they think.

 

In a way I am kind of glad all this happened. For my own sense of self-respect and self-worth, I showed her that I did not need her in my life. Not to prove a point to her, but more importantly, to myself!

[Dubb]

What I have found that works for me is be indifferent. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

 

Nothing will tick an ex off like showing them you can and WILL live without them. I mean "How dare you have fun and have a life without me?!" is what they think.

 

In a way I am kind of glad all this happened. For my own sense of self-respect and self-worth, I showed her that I did not need her in my life. Not to prove a point to her, but more importantly, to myself!

 

Makes sense to me. I have been upbeat when we have talked in the past. I was not faking it either but just being myself. I understand what you mean when you say you are kinda glad this has happen. I feel the same way. The experience has taught me a lot.

[suchislife]

You know, Caliguy, I really think she realizes what a catch you are. She is doing things that seem a little insecure, and, as I said before, she cares what you think. To what degree, who knows. I don't think you've heard the end of it.

 

You will continue to be cool, calm and collected, and then you will see what life brings you.

 

I'm going through a similar thing, only the beginning stage, where he is with someone who is clearly and very strangely, not compatible, and I'm just moving forward with my life and not worrying about it. Not to say I don't have some rough moments, but, I am slogging through and will get to the point where my heart is back in my body and not smashed into the ground, for all to see.

 

You just get to the point where you become very composed - which is exactly what you did. I did it too, the other day, and had the courage of my convictions. But, now, the fallout, with another holiday and no one to share it with. The good news is, I'm learning to live with just me.

 

She will contact you, I think, and you will have the answer.

[2sunny]

I think her actions are based on something CG has stated in the past and that is that she likes the attention - specifically from men. Her Mom most likely recognizes this as well.

 

I believe she did cheat on you before you broke up right? (even if it was emotional cheating - it's still cheating).

 

Maybe she's a gal that will never be satisfied without attention from two men at the same time to stroke her ego.

 

Either way, I hate it when people are never happy or satisfied in life - it's a HUGE character flaw in my eyes...

[CaliGuy]

You know, Caliguy, I really think she realizes what a catch you are. She is doing things that seem a little insecure, and, as I said before, she cares what you think. To what degree, who knows. I don't think you've heard the end of it.

 

You will continue to be cool, calm and collected, and then you will see what life brings you.

 

I'm going through a similar thing, only the beginning stage, where he is with someone who is clearly and very strangely, not compatible, and I'm just moving forward with my life and not worrying about it. Not to say I don't have some rough moments, but, I am slogging through and will get to the point where my heart is back in my body and not smashed into the ground, for all to see.

 

You just get to the point where you become very composed - which is exactly what you did. I did it too, the other day, and had the courage of my convictions. But, now, the fallout, with another holiday and no one to share it with. The good news is, I'm learning to live with just me.

 

She will contact you, I think, and you will have the answer.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I think you are right in some aspects. Whether she truly regrets it, who knows?

 

The main thing is I am not going to sit around and wait for her. Life goes on. I have too many exciting things happening in my life to contemplate a second chance with her.

 

There's someone else out there who deserves a FIRST chance

[CaliGuy]

I think her actions are based on something CG has stated in the past and that is that she likes the attention - specifically from men. Her Mom most likely recognizes this as well.

 

I believe she did cheat on you before you broke up right? (even if it was emotional cheating - it's still cheating).

 

Emotionally yes, physically no. In fact, I think her many web site visits over Jan/Feb, to me at least, means she was emotionally cheating on him. I think any visits by her to my web site are just that. Once or 100 times.

 

Maybe she's a gal that will never be satisfied without attention from two men at the same time to stroke her ego.

 

She's insecure, yes.

 

Either way, I hate it when people are never happy or satisfied in life - it's a HUGE character flaw in my eyes...

 

She's so worried about making a mistake that it freezes her decision making ability.

 

I'd rather make a mistake and learn than to do nothing at all.

[suchislife]

"There's someone else out there who deserves a FIRST chance :)"

 

Caliguy,

 

I will remember this!

 

Keep smiling.

[CaliGuy]

"There's someone else out there who deserves a FIRST chance :)"

 

Caliguy,

 

I will remember this!

 

Keep smiling.

 

I am and you do the same. There's far too many fish in the sea to fret over the one that got away.

 

Again in this thread, I'm just baffled by her behavior. She has never acted like that before.

[shockandawed]

Hey Cali,

 

I have been following this thread with interest. Just haven't had anything to add that the others haven't already.

 

Engagement rings seem to elicit strange behavior...My ex-fiance for example, just had to have the ring. She admittedly would not wear it around her ex-husband for fear of upsetting him nor would she wear it around her parents who lived out of town. She claimed they didn't know me well enough..and she said she was tired of wearing it around co-workers because we didn't have a date and that is all they would talk about....

 

My ex-wife got engaged about a year ago. The strange thing there is that for the longest time she wouldn't wear it around me or she would keep her hand in her pocket. No reason, she knew I was engaged and I knew he had bought her a ring. There was no fighting or anything. Anyhow, after my fiance and I broke up, the ex-wife started wearing the ring. Strange, but I don't think she was trying to rub it in my face or anything.

 

My bet is she still has feelings for you. Not trying to say she wants to reconcile but obviously you both had quite a bit at one time. She wants to avoid hurting you or she is doubting her engagement. Unless she tells you up front, I doubt you will really understand.

[thecount]

I am and you do the same. There's far too many fish in the sea to fret over the one that got away.

 

Again in this thread, I'm just baffled by her behavior. She has never acted like that before.

you know what caliguy. My ex baffled me too this past Valentines day. We were broken up, so she comes over to my house with balloons that say i love you, cards that say how I'm the man of her dreams, and cooked a meal for me to take to work the next day. Just when i thought we were done she pulls something sweet like that. A week later, BAM! it's back to our psycho behavior. "I love you, but don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with you, but if i leave now i know I'll miss you too much", I told to go away now.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Cali,

 

I have been following this thread with interest. Just haven't had anything to add that the others haven't already.

 

Engagement rings seem to elicit strange behavior...My ex-fiance for example, just had to have the ring. She admittedly would not wear it around her ex-husband for fear of upsetting him nor would she wear it around her parents who lived out of town. She claimed they didn't know me well enough..and she said she was tired of wearing it around co-workers because we didn't have a date and that is all they would talk about....

 

My ex-wife got engaged about a year ago. The strange thing there is that for the longest time she wouldn't wear it around me or she would keep her hand in her pocket. No reason, she knew I was engaged and I knew he had bought her a ring. There was no fighting or anything. Anyhow, after my fiance and I broke up, the ex-wife started wearing the ring. Strange, but I don't think she was trying to rub it in my face or anything.

 

My bet is she still has feelings for you. Not trying to say she wants to reconcile but obviously you both had quite a bit at one time. She wants to avoid hurting you or she is doubting her engagement. Unless she tells you up front, I doubt you will really understand.

 

Interesting. Those are the only two conclusions I can come to and unless she says something, I am assuming that it's "she didn't want to hurt me."

 

The only rub in that is that she DID follow me around. She did make lots of eye contact, she did sit right next to me, she did ask me a lot of personal questions and she did admit to having looked up what my new job is.

 

I guess what I am saying is though she hid the ring maybe not to hurt my feelings, her other actions lead me to believe that she is having dounts. After all, I know she is engaged and she knew that I would know there are no track days during race weekend.

 

Part of me thinks she was not trying to hurt me but a big part of me says all these actions, combined with the web site visits, means she is having serious doubts.

 

The bottom line is I may never know. I won't ask her about it nor will I attempt to make contact with her. As long as she is wearing his ring she is off limits. And even if she wasn't, I would still not approach her for the reasons I have stated numerous times.

 

If she really wants me, she knows where to find me.

[CaliGuy]

you know what caliguy. My ex baffled me too this past Valentines day. We were broken up, so she comes over to my house with balloons that say i love you, cards that say how I'm the man of her dreams, and cooked a meal for me to take to work the next day. Just when i thought we were done she pulls something sweet like that. A week later, BAM! it's back to our psycho behavior. "I love you, but don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with you, but if i leave now i know I'll miss you too much", I told to go away now.

 

Weird. That would definitely confused me. My ex is more subtle. The eye contact, the following me around, the questions, the web site visits. In way that's like bringing balloons and saying she loves me without actually saying it.

 

That's what was confusing me. But the difference is I'm not falling for that. If she wants me, she's got a huge hill to climb and she'd have to admit being wrong and I don't know that she is capable of that.

 

Plus, she's wearing the guys darned ring. There's no reason for me to pursue (and I won't). She made the choice and if she is regretting it then she has to deal with the consequences. I certainly am NOT going to chase her anymore. I'm done with that. I'm tired of putting in my 100% and her putting in 5%. That's just not what I want and it doesn't meet my needs.

 

And if she later realizes she made a mistake, if ever, then well, she made the bed, she can sleep in it. I'm not going to be her door mat or anyone else's for that matter.

 

Someone else is going to appreciate me for who I am and I am darned ready to let them into my life

[thecount]

Weird. That would definitely confused me. My ex is more subtle. The eye contact, the following me around, the questions, the web site visits. In way that's like bringing balloons and saying she loves me without actually saying it.

 

That's what was confusing me. But the difference is I'm not falling for that. If she wants me, she's got a huge hill to climb and she'd have to admit being wrong and I don't know that she is capable of that.

 

Plus, she's wearing the guys darned ring. There's no reason for me to pursue (and I won't). She made the choice and if she is regretting it then she has to deal with the consequences. I certainly am NOT going to chase her anymore. I'm done with that. I'm tired of putting in my 100% and her putting in 5%. That's just not what I want and it doesn't meet my needs.

 

And if she later realizes she made a mistake, if ever, then well, she made the bed, she can sleep in it. I'm not going to be her door mat or anyone else's for that matter.

 

Someone else is going to appreciate me for who I am and I am darned ready to let them into my life

i know how you feel about putting 100% effort in to a relationship and getting a kick in the A** in return. I'm done with that too.

 

I know I'll find someone more suitable for me someday, just like you are also. The whole notion that we'll never find someone again is just crazy. That's just how you feel when you just break up with someone. everythings dark, and you end up saying things like. I'll never find someone like that again. Well, if we're lucky enough we'll find someone that would treat us better then our ex's did.

[CaliGuy]

i know how you feel about putting 100% effort in to a relationship and getting a kick in the A** in return. I'm done with that too.

 

I know I'll find someone more suitable for me someday, just like you are also. The whole notion that we'll never find someone again is just crazy. That's just how you feel when you just break up with someone. everythings dark, and you end up saying things like. I'll never find someone like that again. Well, if we're lucky enough we'll find someone that would treat us better then our ex's did.

 

 

Oh I believe that. I believe every bad relationship makes us stronger and brings us one step closer to the RIGHT person for our lives. It's just a matter of time and patience.

[Dubb]

I agree too. Cali I think I might of screws up. Think you could check my thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116463/

[CaliGuy]

I agree too. Cali I think I might of screws up. Think you could check my thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116463/

 

Not much I can add to what's already been said. As I've even stated in this thread, you have to give people space to come back to you on their own if they choose to. You can't will or force them back to you or love you. They have to come to that conclusion on their own and without interference from you or anyone else. In fact, someone trying to play negotiator (not saying you are) will always backfire.

 

People just don't want to be caged into relationships.

 

Just give her space and do your own thing. Either way you win. You heal faster and find someone else OR she comes back and you can decide what you want to do.

 

Win/Win for you my friend.

[Dubb]

Not much I can add to what's already been said. As I've even stated in this thread, you have to give people space to come back to you on their own if they choose to. You can't will or force them back to you or love you. They have to come to that conclusion on their own and without interference from you or anyone else. In fact, someone trying to play negotiator (not saying you are) will always backfire.

 

People just don't want to be caged into relationships.

 

Just give her space and do your own thing. Either way you win. You heal faster and find someone else OR she comes back and you can decide what you want to do.

 

Win/Win for you my friend.

 

Thanks man, I was not sure if I did the right thing by trying to get on the same page with her. I really didn't expect her to blow me off lol. O well I feel better now that I put it out there and feel like I can finally move on.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks man, I was not sure if I did the right thing by trying to get on the same page with her. I really didn't expect her to blow me off lol. O well I feel better now that I put it out there and feel like I can finally move on.

 

Thats all you can do man.

 

I think this thread has run it's course unless anyone else wants to give their opinion on how my ex behaved.

 

I think I've finally settled on the belief that she just didn't want to hurt my feelings by hiding the ring. I still don't understand why she followed me around, the eye contact and the questions but I think that may have been just her trying to be friendly.

 

Thanks again for the input all.

[orlando]

thats women for you man... I like to believe if they really cared, they would not have left you in the 1st place. It's just my way of dealing with it. I'ts true that ignorance is bliss, sometimes you just don't want to know if they are thinking about you because you will drive yourself nuts. And technology doesnt help much either. Her if her IP address keeps popping up, well.... You're doing great and I'm sure you are but it DOES make you think of her....and whether in your case that's a good thing or bad thing, she succeded by making you think of her, which I believe it's a human personality trait.

[2ndIINone]

And technology doesnt help much either. Her if her IP address keeps popping up, well.... You're doing great and I'm sure you are but it DOES make you think of her....and whether in your case that's a good thing or bad thing, she succeded by making you think of her,

 

damn ex's.

[bluetuesday]

i've not read the whole thread, just posting an opinion based on the original question.

 

i've done this recently actually - looked up an old friend on the 'net to see how he's doing. had to be quite creative, thinking about what he might be calling himself now etc, but found him quite easily under a username he once told me he used, and have happily found that he's a member of an internet forum a bit like this one.

 

i've read a few of his posts, he seems just the same as he always was but he's mostly happy, which is really all i wanted to check. i won't be going back there to see what he's up to, i'm not that interested. i was just curious to see if he was still around, and how he's doing.

 

sometimes you find yourself thinking about someone from the past and wondering how they are. if this girl has no other way to see how you're doing, i think it's perfectly natural she would look you up online.

 

part of it is probably ego - to see if you're coping without her or mentioning her. part of it will have been to see if you've got someone new - ego again. or maybe she misses you sometimes and thinks it'd be nice if you could be friends now enough water has gone under the bridge. perhaps also she's lonely, or has realised what she's missing. it could be any number of things.

 

but there's no point reading into it because you won't know. what she's doing is her own private action until she chooses to actually mail you to say hi. and you've been curious about her yourself, right? or why would you go through the log to see how many times she'd been to your site once you'd noticed she had?