Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[CaliGuy]

i've not read the whole thread, just posting an opinion based on the original question.

 

i've done this recently actually - looked up an old friend on the 'net to see how he's doing. had to be quite creative, thinking about what he might be calling himself now etc, but found him quite easily under a username he once told me he used, and have happily found that he's a member of an internet forum a bit like this one.

 

i've read a few of his posts, he seems just the same as he always was but he's mostly happy, which is really all i wanted to check. i won't be going back there to see what he's up to, i'm not that interested. i was just curious to see if he was still around, and how he's doing.

 

sometimes you find yourself thinking about someone from the past and wondering how they are. if this girl has no other way to see how you're doing, i think it's perfectly natural she would look you up online.

 

part of it is probably ego - to see if you're coping without her or mentioning her. part of it will have been to see if you've got someone new - ego again. or maybe she misses you sometimes and thinks it'd be nice if you could be friends now enough water has gone under the bridge. perhaps also she's lonely, or has realised what she's missing. it could be any number of things.

 

but there's no point reading into it because you won't know. what she's doing is her own private action until she chooses to actually mail you to say hi. and you've been curious about her yourself, right? or why would you go through the log to see how many times she'd been to your site once you'd noticed she had?

 

 

I go through the logs to see where the hits are coming from. Sometimes people link my site. I find it neat to know where that's coming from. The reason I noticed her visits was because there were so many of them.

 

I agree if she just wanted to check up in an innocent way, then a few hits a month would be normal (and I wouldn't have noticed them).

 

20 hits a month for two months straight well, that seems a bit obsessive don't you agree?

[Member2]

20 hits a month for two months straight well, that seems a bit obsessive don't you agree?

 

Caliguy,

 

The definition of obsessive is scrubbing your server logs looking for her ip address.

 

I can understand your heart break but you broke up in 2004/05 she moved on and so should you.

 

I feel your pain in your posts and believe your current mindset trying to understand why she is doing what she is doing is really fuqking with your head.

 

For your own mental health go out this coming weekend and grab a piece, You will find moving on easier than you think it is.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to God, he knows best! (sorry couldn't resist.)

[Member2]

And technology doesnt help much either.

Google and Zabasearch are the Devils work,

 

Caliguy,

 

Sometimes people just checkup on people that they used to know and love, it doesn't mean they love you or want you back.

 

It means they just surfed your page and then they go back to whatever it was they were doing before.

If she wanted you back she would dust off the fiance' and call you.

[whichwayisup]

I googled 2 guys I used to like in High School, just cuz I was curious. Doesn't mean anything, you're right.

 

I also googled my hubby, myself, my mom, my sis, my bro just to see what came up.

[bluetuesday]

20 hits a month for two months straight well, that seems a bit obsessive don't you agree?

 

nah, 20 hits a day is obsessive. i would consider bored, nosey, lonely, wistful, curious and egotistical before i'd reach obsessive.

 

why don't you contact her to find out why she did it? because then she would know you noticed... and you know how that would seem...?

 

i'd let this one go. some things, we never get to the bottom of. we just have to walk away.

[Vera_Louise]

nah, 20 hits a day is obsessive. i would consider bored, nosey, lonely, wistful, curious and egotistical before i'd reach obsessive.

 

why don't you contact her to find out why she did it? because then she would know you noticed... and you know how that would seem...?

 

i'd let this one go. some things, we never get to the bottom of. we just have to walk away.

 

bluetuesday, this is solid advice. I have thought of another possibility about your ex....she's gay. She is definitely exhibiting the signs. She's not sure about her current fiance, yet not sure about you either because she hasn't come to terms with her lesbian sexuality. Seriously, I have seen this so many times. There's your answer, Caliguy.

[Art_Critic]

she's gay. She is definitely exhibiting the signs.

 

...... She isn't gay...

 

I haven't seen any signs and CG hasn't mentioned anything specific that would say she is unsure about her engagement either..

Now maybe breaking the engagement.. then there might be a sign that she isn't feeling the engagement

[CaliGuy]

nah, 20 hits a day is obsessive. i would consider bored, nosey, lonely, wistful, curious and egotistical before i'd reach obsessive.

 

why don't you contact her to find out why she did it? because then she would know you noticed... and you know how that would seem...?

 

i'd let this one go. some things, we never get to the bottom of. we just have to walk away.

 

What's the point in calling her out on it? She's engaged.

 

It's a public web site. I can't exclude her from going to it. That'd be vindictive.

[CaliGuy]

...... She isn't gay...

 

I haven't seen any signs and CG hasn't mentioned anything specific that would say she is unsure about her engagement either..

Now maybe breaking the engagement.. then there might be a sign that she isn't feeling the engagement

 

Yep and last time I saw her, she was still wearing it. That to me says she isn't unsure.

 

If the ring comes off and she contacts me, then I'd have to think, but I'm not apt to take her back. Not without assurances and I just don't think she'd be able to give me the kind of assurance that would allow me to lay myself out there again for disappointment.

 

I'd rather give someone else a chance first.

[whichwayisup]

It's a public web site. I can't exclude her from going to it. That'd be vindictive.

 

No, it isn't. It's called "she is my ex and I don't want her knowing what goes on in my life anymore..." You could make your site private, members must join with an email address. MANY people have private sites that you can only view as a member.

 

To be honest, I don't want to know much about my ex's life and I certainly don't want them pokin' their noses in my world and my business.

 

The thing I really don't understand Cali, is after everything you went through with her, and how long it took for you to get over her, WHY on earth you would even have to think about it? It just seems (this has nothing to do with love) you two weren't a good mix together, and she cheated on you. To be entertaining those thoughts is kind of pointless.

 

You are right 100% though, you're better off giving someone else a chance. Though to get there, you're gonna have to close the door on your ex completely.....And that means, not checking to see how many times she checks your site.

[Vera_Louise]

I know it's hard, but there still is the strong possibility she is gay. I know it is difficult to accept. It's very possible though from what you've described.

But I do think excluding her from your site isn't vindictive, it would be a wise thing to do.

[CaliGuy]

No, it isn't. It's called "she is my ex and I don't want her knowing what goes on in my life anymore..." You could make your site private, members must join with an email address. MANY people have private sites that you can only view as a member.

 

To be honest, I don't want to know much about my ex's life and I certainly don't want them pokin' their noses in my world and my business.

 

The thing I really don't understand Cali, is after everything you went through with her, and how long it took for you to get over her, WHY on earth you would even have to think about it? It just seems (this has nothing to do with love) you two weren't a good mix together, and she cheated on you. To be entertaining those thoughts is kind of pointless.

 

You are right 100% though, you're better off giving someone else a chance. Though to get there, you're gonna have to close the door on your ex completely.....And that means, not checking to see how many times she checks your site.

 

Again, what sparked it was the number of repeat visits. Had she visited like any normal person would (1-2 a month at best) I'd have never noticed.

 

I get what you guys are saying and I can understand why you think I am still holding a candle. But again, I didn't come here asking if I should give her a second chance or what I should do about the web site visits.

 

I asked what everyone thinks they might mean and her behavior at the funeral. As difficult as this might be to believe, I am not asking if I should give her another go. I'm simply trying to understand her unusual behavior.

 

Again, I have an inquisitive mind by nature. I ask a lot of questions. It's how I learn.

[whichwayisup]

I know it's hard, but there still is the strong possibility she is gay. I know it is difficult to accept. It's very possible though from what you've described.

But I do think excluding her from your site isn't vindictive, it would be a wise thing to do.

 

LOL! You can't analyze his ex just through what he's said about her and put your own personal spin and it and say she's more than likely gay. WTF! lol...

 

I just don't see HOW the heck you got to her being gay???? What clues did everybody miss, including Cali?

[Vera_Louise]

If he accepts she's gay then he can totally put the lid on this and move on for GOOD, for REAL. Talk about closure.

[suchislife]

Caliguy,

 

I understand what you mean about the way you learn. That's the way I learn, too. But, then, people think I can't let go of things.. etc.

 

That's not it. If I can't really understand something, I have to go over it until I do. Trying to understand something is not the same as wanting the situation to change.

 

You just want to understand what's behind the actions.

 

You are not going to know anything for a while. Just keep doing what you are doing. You will know sooner than you think.

[whichwayisup]

If he accepts she's gay then he can totally put the lid on this and move on for GOOD, for REAL. Talk about closure.

I can assume that you are a lesbian Vera..................

[Vera_Louise]

No. I can safely say that I am not lesbian. Let's stick to the topic, please, whichwayisup. I'm simply trying to give an objective point of view here, and I think it will help CaliGuy move on for good if he accepts it this way.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy,

 

I understand what you mean about the way you learn. That's the way I learn, too. But, then, people think I can't let go of things.. etc.

 

That's not it. If I can't really understand something, I have to go over it until I do. Trying to understand something is not the same as wanting the situation to change.

 

You just want to understand what's behind the actions.

 

You are not going to know anything for a while. Just keep doing what you are doing. You will know sooner than you think.

 

I agree. That's why I'm trying to keep it on topic. Can't get to the bottom of this is we're all focused on what it's assumed I want (her) instead of what I really want (answers).

 

Cheers

[whichwayisup]

No. I can safely say that I am not lesbian. Let's stick to the topic, please, whichwayisup. I'm simply trying to give an objective point of view here, and I think it will help CaliGuy move on for good if he accepts it this way.

 

You mean he should lie to himself, and tell himself that his ex is a lesbian so he can get over her????

 

I am assuming you're gay, just like you're putting assumptions on CG's ex that she is gay. You know what ASS-U-ME really means, right?

[Vera_Louise]

Hey I'm tossing out a possibility of what's going on, trying to give a possible logical explanation to her behavior, not assuming anything. He asked for opinions on what is going on.

I am not lesbian. But I wouldn't have a problem telling you if I was.

[Art_Critic]

No. I can safely say that I am not lesbian. Let's stick to the topic, please, whichwayisup. I'm simply trying to give an objective point of view here, and I think it will help CaliGuy move on for good if he accepts it this way.

 

She isn't Gay .. VL..

 

Let it go......you are starting to sound like BJ ... and even worse you are starting to sound vindictive

[Art_Critic]

not assuming anything.

 

Ahhh... you have assumed she is gay... duh !!

[Shadowdog36]

Cali~

 

Call me lazy, but I don't want to read the last 200 posts on this thread, so forgive me if this has already been addressed...

 

I understand your need to understand....if there's something that makes you still attached to the situation or the person. But in this case, I don't see what that connection is.

 

So I have to ask...

 

Why is it so important for you to know? Why is it so important for you to understand? How will this understanding affect or improve your life? What type of insight do you hope to gain that will, in any degree, assist you in your life?

[CaliGuy]

Cali~

 

Call me lazy,

 

Ok. YOU ARE LAZY

 

 

but I don't want to read the last 200 posts on this thread, so forgive me if this has already been addressed...

 

I understand your need to understand....if there's something that makes you still attached to the situation or the person. But in this case, I don't see what that connection is.

 

So I have to ask...

 

Why is it so important for you to know? Why is it so important for you to understand? How will this understanding affect or improve your life? What type of insight do you hope to gain that will, in any degree, assist you in your life?

 

She's never behaved like this before.

 

Will I live without the information? Yep.

Am I curious? You betcha!

Do I think she's bucking to come back? Not exactly. She's wearing his ring.

 

Her behavior at the funeral is what perplexes me even more than the web site visits.

 

Again, do I need to know? Nope. Would I like to know? Yes, if someone has some insight.

 

If not, I'll be fine without it. I didn't want to turn this into a great debate. Personally, and no offense to the guys, I guess I wanted to hear from women who have acted in a similar fashion (hiding the ring, etc).

 

Cheers.