Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[Shadowdog36]

Great--Her, I can't even get her to respond to an email, but you, you give me exactly what I ask for. Thanks for that Cali.

 

OK, I won't beat a dead horse, and I know when I'm not wanted so I'll leave the real answers to the ladies....

[CaliGuy]

Great--Her, I can't even get her to respond to an email, but you, you give me exactly what I ask for. Thanks for that Cali.

 

I always deliver, my friend

 

OK, I won't beat a dead horse, and I know when I'm not wanted so I'll leave the real answers to the ladies....

 

Heh, it's not that I don't appreciate the feedback, I do! It's just that, well, I don't think you've ever hidden your engagement ring before have you? I mean, well, I hope not Her behavior at the funeral was out of the ordinary for her.

 

As I said before, she isn't beating down my door, calling me or otherwise attempting to make contact and I will not dare contact her. I'm just curious why she acted that way.

 

Edit! I just remembered, I have a friend who told me she DID tend to hide her engagement ring, subconciously, around guys that she liked. She said "It wasn't like I was going to drop my fiance or anything" but I think subconciously I wanted them to know that I liked them.

 

Kind of morbid, but makes sense.

[whichwayisup]

Edit! I just remembered, I have a friend who told me she DID tend to hide her engagement ring, subconciously, around guys that she liked. She said "It wasn't like I was going to drop my fiance or anything" but I think subconciously I wanted them to know that I liked them.

 

So she wanted attention and wanted her ego feed for the day, and hey! Why not take advantage of that at a friend's funeral...............

[Yernasia Quorelios]

My comment is that Cali has accepted it is over, and the opportunity has not presented itself to him to reconcile. He is, however, curious about some of the recent actions of his ex.

I agree that CG has accepted it's over. The purpose of the post was to make suggestions on how react to a reconciliation opportunity. The reason being that I think her recent actions are typical of someone going through a reunion/rekindling process, something I posted about earlier in this thread. That said I think that the reconciliation opportunity is still some way off in the future and will depend on CG's responses to his Ex's actions.

[CaliGuy]

I agree that CG has accepted it's over. The purpose of the post was to make suggestions on how react to a reconciliation opportunity. The reason being that I think her recent actions are typical of someone going through a reunion/rekindling process, something I posted about earlier in this thread. That said I think that the reconciliation opportunity is still some way off in the future and will depend on CG's responses to his Ex's actions.

 

...which so far I don't have to worry about because she has said or done nothing (other than visit the site several times) since the funeral to lead me to believe that she's fishing.

 

What am I going to do about it? NOTHING.

[destination_unknown]

I'm gonna be controversial. I have read all your threads.

 

Cali Guy, you said earlier you still love her.

I think she loves you.

You are both too stubborn to say so.

 

Whether you guys could get over what happened in the past is another kettle of fish.

 

I understand all the reasons why you don't want to bring it up with her (the most obvious barrier being her engagement, and your pride), but I think you both may spend the rest of your lives with a niggling doubt.

 

BTW, I think you could ask her what the story is without coming accross as a doormat, she is behaving like she is nostalgic towards you. (Checking the site, her behaviour at the funeral, and didn't she ask you to do some work for her ages ago and other stuff I can't remember the specifics of) I don't see how it means she owns you if you ask straight out "how come you check my site so much?".

 

I run a number of sites and check a few times a year what IPs are viewing, purely from an SEO standpoint. But its not about why you would check IPs, its your site so why shouldnt you?

 

Your hands are tied though while she is engaged, if she wants you she has to be mature enough to stand up and say that she made a mistake.

 

And to answer your question, both myself and a number of my friends have kinda webstalked exes where we regretted the end of the relationship. (Nothing psycho, just reading myspace) Checking in on an exes site once in a blue moon is curiosity and directed randomness, but checking a couple of times a week means they are thinking about you ALOT.

[CaliGuy]

I'm gonna be controversial. I have read all your threads.

 

Cali Guy, you said earlier you still love her.

I think she loves you.

You are both too stubborn to say so.

 

Whether you guys could get over what happened in the past is another kettle of fish.

 

I understand all the reasons why you don't want to bring it up with her (the most obvious barrier being her engagement, and your pride), but I think you both may spend the rest of your lives with a niggling doubt.

 

BTW, I think you could ask her what the story is without coming accross as a doormat, she is behaving like she is nostalgic towards you. (Checking the site, her behaviour at the funeral, and didn't she ask you to do some work for her ages ago and other stuff I can't remember the specifics of) I don't see how it means she owns you if you ask straight out "how come you check my site so much?".

 

I run a number of sites and check a few times a year what IPs are viewing, purely from an SEO standpoint. But its not about why you would check IPs, its your site so why shouldnt you?

 

Your hands are tied though while she is engaged, if she wants you she has to be mature enough to stand up and say that she made a mistake.

 

And to answer your question, both myself and a number of my friends have kinda webstalked exes where we regretted the end of the relationship. (Nothing psycho, just reading myspace) Checking in on an exes site once in a blue moon is curiosity and directed randomness, but checking a couple of times a week means they are thinking about you ALOT.

 

 

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, it is my site and I check because I am curious where the hits are coming from. I think if others owned a web site they'd want to know too. As I said before the multitude of hits from 2 specific (and unchanging IP addresses) is what started all this.

 

And I agree as well, my hands ARE tied. She's engaged and I have no reason to believe that she would want to talk or possibly reinitiate anything as long as she is wearing his ring.

 

Asking her about the web site visits could very well come off to her as obsessive and it would probably deeply embarrass her. I do firmly believe that if she wanted to talk she would initiate a conversation. She has in the past, there's no reason to believe she won't now. In the past, I have always been the one to run back to her (door mat behavior) and the new me just doesn't want to repeat mistakes of the past, with her or anyone else. The definitely of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time. If I initiated contact, I would basically be repeating my past (bad) behavior.

 

But you are 100% correct, she is stubborn and always has been.

[suchislife]

Hey Caliguy,

 

I just caught up on some of the posts. You wanted to hear from women on why they would hide their rings.

 

I wouldn't. If I did, that would be a clear sign to me that I am not happy doing what I'm doing.

 

She's not ready to get married. She's not into who she is marrying.

 

You'll hear from her, but that doesn't mean anything will come of it, which you know already.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Caliguy,

 

I just caught up on some of the posts. You wanted to hear from women on why they would hide their rings.

 

I wouldn't. If I did, that would be a clear sign to me that I am not happy doing what I'm doing.

 

She's not ready to get married. She's not into who she is marrying.

 

That's the general consensus so far. But I think she will never be ready to marry anyone. She's the type that thinks she'll always have "buyers remorse."

 

You'll hear from her, but that doesn't mean anything will come of it, which you know already.

 

Yep of that I am aware. As I said, she isn't making any attempt at contact and I'm not sitting around waiting for it.

[thecount]

ok, As I've read almost all the posts here, and I've writen in them too. i noticed somthing about everyone including myself. We are all too consumed with our ex's, and then we wounder why we can't move on. I'm just as guilty about it as everyone else here. We all say it's over, but yet they are always on our minds. Why can't we move on?

 

I just saw this video called the "Secret". I advice everyone here to get it, rent it, whatever. It was an eye opener for me. Even though I ask not to be treated like that anymore, I'm still thinking about it. All my energy is there. Thus, i'm attracting women that treat me like crap. I've been with the same woman for years, just a different body, and a different name. Same woman though. They say insted put your energy in what you want. Think about whatever it is that your looking for, and stop thinking about the things you don't want. It's called the "Laws of Attraction". It just doesn't stop with relationships either. It was a great video, It's also a book. Check it out. You won't regert it.

[2sunny]

you are right count-

 

that is why i have a tendency these days to choose someone who is totally opposite from my exH.

 

it makes me feel more comfortable to be with them - much less to even look at them.

 

i used to always be attracted to a certain look/type of man. not anymore... i tend to avoid the ones with that appearance and demeanor. i don't want the tall/dark/handsome - c*cky /arrogant/********* guy anymore.

 

makes me feel happier - as though i am moving forward - and helps me not think about the past...

[thecount]

you are right count-

 

that is why i have a tendency these days to choose someone who is totally opposite from my exH.

 

it makes me feel more comfortable to be with them - much less to even look at them.

 

i used to always be attracted to a certain look/type of man. not anymore... i tend to avoid the ones with that appearance and demeanor. i don't want the tall/dark/handsome - c*cky /arrogant/********* guy anymore.

 

makes me feel happier - as though i am moving forward - and helps me not think about the past...

2sunny, you're still asking about the things you don't want. lol

 

Think about what it is that you want. Keep saying it to yourself. and tell others too. STOP telling people what your NOT looking for, because that's what you're going to get over and over again, because it's where your energy is going.

 

What do you want. I want...

[2sunny]

2sunny, you're still asking about the things you don't want. lol

 

Think about what it is that you want. Keep saying it to yourself. and tell others too. STOP telling people what your NOT looking for, because that's what you're going to get over and over again, because it's where your energy is going.

 

What do you want. I want...

 

It's just that to mke opposite decisions makes it easier to choose someone who will make me happier.

 

I DO know what I want - I was just pointing out that I am making a concerted effort to follow through with the plan... which I wasn't really doing a year ago - so I am going in the right direction!

[thecount]

It's just that to mke opposite decisions makes it easier to choose someone who will make me happier.

 

I DO know what I want - I was just pointing out that I am making a concerted effort to follow through with the plan... which I wasn't really doing a year ago - so I am going in the right direction!

You go girl. Believe in yourself, and the rest will follow.

[suchislife]

Actually, Count,

 

I don't agree. Just because someone talks about an ex, doesn't mean they are consumed. It might just mean they are sharing information. Both Caliguy and I learn by exploring what is going on around them, but, honestly, the only thing I'm consumed with now is really enjoying what is in my life and the direction I want to go in.

 

I do know you mean well, though.

 

I feel a calmness that I have not felt in a long time. In fact, at work the other day, someone said I seemed so serene. That is not a word anyone would ever have associated with me, and it's true, I've made sense of my life in general, not just this area, and I'm fine.

 

I turn people who ask me out, down, mainly because I'm working on myself. I'm selling my house, making changes at my job, adding a stretch class to my dance/spin/weight lifting routine... I'll go out at some point, I will know when it's time.

 

A therapist once told me that people seek their comfort zone - whatever that may be, and it can be functional or dysfunctional. I've been thinking about that too.

 

And yes, I've seen The Secret. The bottom line is, whatever mindset you have, is what you are going to attract - so I've been thinking about that, and am letting time and energy just kind of flow, now. I know that might sound corny, but I guess what I mean is that I don't feel desperate, too lonely, dependent...you know?

 

This is the first time in my life I have allowed myself to just BE, and there is no going back now.

 

[thecount]

Actually, Count,

 

I don't agree. Just because someone talks about an ex, doesn't mean they are consumed. It might just mean they are sharing information. Both Caliguy and I learn by exploring what is going on around them, but, honestly, the only thing I'm consumed with now is really enjoying what is in my life and the direction I want to go in.

 

I do know you mean well, though.

 

I feel a calmness that I have not felt in a long time. In fact, at work the other day, someone said I seemed so serene. That is not a word anyone would ever have associated with me, and it's true, I've made sense of my life in general, not just this area, and I'm fine.

 

I turn people who ask me out, down, mainly because I'm working on myself. I'm selling my house, making changes at my job, adding a stretch class to my dance/spin/weight lifting routine... I'll go out at some point, I will know when it's time.

 

A therapist once told me that people seek their comfort zone - whatever that may be, and it can be functional or dysfunctional. I've been thinking about that too.

 

And yes, I've seen The Secret. The bottom line is, whatever mindset you have, is what you are going to attract - so I've been thinking about that, and am letting time and energy just kind of flow, now. I know that might sound corny, but I guess what I mean is that I don't feel desperate, too lonely, dependent...you know?

 

This is the first time in my life I have allowed myself to just BE, and there is no going back now.

 

I do understand what you mean by this. Sometimes to help others we must bring up a painful experience. Which is well nobel, but where do we draw a line? I've done it too. I come here and try to help. Sometimes just talking about helps the healing process for yourself as well.

 

With me right now its hard in all areas, relationsips, finances, everything just hit at one time. I am picking myself up, it's a slow moving progress, and at times discouaging. I'm looking at the big picture here, and it's starting to look good.

 

The reason why this happend to me was because I was and have been way to consumed with my ex. Eveything I did, all my thoughts were based around her. That's where all my energy went. I did it to myself, and I do not hold anyone responsible for it but myself. It's my fault, I forgot to take care of me.

[CaliGuy]

Actually, Count,

 

I don't agree. Just because someone talks about an ex, doesn't mean they are consumed. It might just mean they are sharing information. Both Caliguy and I learn by exploring what is going on around them

 

Exactly. I can't learn if I don't ask questions as to why. Granted, her behavior now has no effect on the past but it could effect my future and that's what I want to know. Things I should avoid doing and saying, so to speak.

[whichwayisup]

Granted, her behavior now has no effect on the past but it could effect my future and that's what I want to know. Things I should avoid doing and saying, so to speak.

 

Huh? How is what she does/says/thinks affect your future. You two haven't been together in a very long time and have been more or less in NC mode. What she does or says now should have absolutely NO affect on you.

[Art_Critic]

Granted, her behavior now has no effect on the past but it could effect my future and that's what I want to know. Things I should avoid doing and saying, so to speak.

 

CG.. Dude...

 

I'm in your corner on your ex most of the time.. but did I read this part right ?

 

Are you really thinking that she is going to come back to you ?

 

WTF Dude.. She is engaged to be married to the guy she lives with and she doesn't speak to you..

 

Realistically I see an almost zero percent chance of her coming back to you..

If this was week 4 or 8 then we might be talking a different ball game.. but this is like week 150....

 

Like I said.. I have always been supportive of you trying to help you.. but you need to really change your thinking..

Or better yet.. go get laid..

 

You are a cool guy.. cool hobbies and good job and you got looks.. go out and find a girl that smiles becuase you said good morning to her..

Your future has nothing whatsoever with your ex..

[CaliGuy]

CG.. Dude...

 

I'm in your corner on your ex most of the time.. but did I read this part right ?

 

Are you really thinking that she is going to come back to you ?

 

WTF Dude.. She is engaged to be married to the guy she lives with and she doesn't speak to you..

 

Realistically I see an almost zero percent chance of her coming back to you..

If this was week 4 or 8 then we might be talking a different ball game.. but this is like week 150....

 

Like I said.. I have always been supportive of you trying to help you.. but you need to really change your thinking..

Or better yet.. go get laid..

 

You are a cool guy.. cool hobbies and good job and you got looks.. go out and find a girl that smiles becuase you said good morning to her..

Your future has nothing whatsoever with your ex..

 

 

No I didn't mean it that way. I meant that if I don't understand how she acts/acted then I may never understand how other women act, ya know? It's that brain of mine that is constantly analyzing every little thing.

 

Sometimes I think out loud too, which I know is very bad.

 

Either way, I'm not sitting around waiting for her and I often think how crappy she was towards me and that keeps my bearings straight. I definitely know what I DONT want in a relationship.

 

It's really just me and the gears spinning....

[whichwayisup]

meant that if I don't understand how she acts/acted then I may never understand how other women act, ya know? It's that brain of mine that is constantly analyzing every little thing.

 

Don't base her and who she is as a representive of all women. I can tell you right now, just from what you've said about her and how she is, is NOTHING like me. At all...

 

Learn from your mistakes, that YOU made, not what she did or didn't do.

 

Let your gears spin, but not on her. She is who she is, she's your past. Close the door completely and get her out of your head. To be thinking of her so much daily, is pointless. It isn't bettering YOU as a person or helping you at all.

[Art_Critic]

No I didn't mean it that way. I meant that if I don't understand how she acts/acted then I may never understand how other women act, ya know? It's that brain of mine that is constantly analyzing every little thing.

 

Either way, I'm not sitting around waiting for her and I often think how crappy she was towards me and that keeps my bearings straight. I definitely know what I DONT want in a relationship.

 

Half the battle is knowing what you don't want...

I used to say to myself that I don't know what I want but at least I know what I don't want and who I don't want..

 

Keep chugging away.. and go pick up some chick at the race track..

[2sunny]

CG.. Dude...

Or better yet.. go get laid..

 

yep, we could all use this advice - but in your case CG - just do it... maybe you'll feel better... or at least get past her.... a guys gotta do what he's gotta do...

[2ndIINone]

It's that brain of mine that is constantly analyzing every little thing.

You, are your own worst enemy.

 

but I can understand how the 'website' hits got the gears spinning and over analyzing going....

 

would I be wrong to assume.... possible "What if"? questions popped up in your mind with all the 'website' hits?

[CaliGuy]

You, are your own worst enemy.

 

but I can understand how the 'website' hits got the gears spinning and over analyzing going....

 

would I be wrong to assume.... possible "What if"? questions popped up in your mind with all the 'website' hits?

 

They brought up more questions than answers, yes. Of course the thoughts did cross my mind if she might have been feeling she made a mistake. That's why I said "She hasn't contacted me." If she really, honestly and truly wanted to work things out, she would make contact. So far, after months of stalking me on my site and seeing me at the funeral, she has said nothing.

 

I know a lot of people think I should make contact with her but I know her and if I did, it would simply push her away. If her feelings are to change (if ever) it will not be from something I said or did. It will be a revelation on her own. I'm not hoping she will change her mind. If it happens, it happens and I will deal with it then. But I am not going to throw away my dignity by making contact with her. I wasn't the one that walked away, she was. If she wants me then SHE needs to do the chasing.

 

Like I keep saying (maybe to convince myself as well, I dunno), she's wearing his ring and living with the guy. There's no indication that she is unhappy. Maybe her web site visits (and as I am typing this I just checked my stats. Two visits last week, one yesterday) were just simply out of curiosity.

 

Either way, none of what has happened changes anything. I'm still living life and moving on. Maybe not as fast as I would like to but we all move at a different pace.

 

As for "getting under someone else" that isn't me. Maybe it works for some but my religion (and my heart) says it isn't right for me.