Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Yeah but she's only fooling herself here. I can't see how she could have made a good choice with this new guy when she still had a fire burning on your stove, so to speak. Well she must like him a lot to accept his marriage proposal and live with him. From what I know, he treats her well. And for that reason I am happy for her. She had been in absusive relationships before me (either they cheated on her or treated her like dirt). I imagine she felt that I was treating her too well. She is insecure and so anyone who would treat her very well must not be worth much, right? If I see value in her, I must be screwed up If she left you when you were down that really says a lot about the person that she is. Sorry to say this but I think only a piece of crap would do something so rotten. I believe she does harbor a lot of guilt for that. That reason alone is enough to make me believe she may have wanted to talk to me during the intense web site visits but her own guilt held her back. That or she was just curious. Either way, I don't think I will ever know. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Just because he seems to treat her well doesn't mean he is. Seriously think about it, if some girl came on to you and wanted to hook up with you while her BF was dealing with the death of his mother, how would you view her? I know you. You wouldn't bother. Something is wrong here. On both ends. (his and hers) From someone who was in an abusive marriage I can tell you it takes a really long time to heal. Counseling is almost always needed. And even then it's really hard to get past it. I think deep down she wants a guy like you but doesn't feel as though she deserves a guy like you. It wouldn't feel right. Did she use to like to shake things up to get a rise out of you or did you two have a really easy and satisfying relationship pretty much the whole time until the end? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Just because he seems to treat her well doesn't mean he is. Seriously think about it, if some girl came on to you and wanted to hook up with you while her BF was dealing with the death of his mother, how would you view her? I know you. You wouldn't bother. Something is wrong here. On both ends. (his and hers) From someone who was in an abusive marriage I can tell you it takes a really long time to heal. Counseling is almost always needed. And even then it's really hard to get past it. I think deep down she wants a guy like you but doesn't feel as though she deserves a guy like you. It wouldn't feel right. If you are right, that's just sad. And I agree with you, that he knew who I was and where she was living yet he had the audacity to pick her up right in front of my garage. He would sneak her up at night. I caught them not long after this started happening and booted her out of the house. That was something I would not stand for. If she wanted to date someone else she could have packed her things and left or simply met him away from my house. Did she use to like to shake things up to get a rise out of you or did you two have a really easy and satisfying relationship pretty much the whole time until the end? I would say there were some easy times sandwhiched in between a lot of drama. Some of the drama was from me, some of from her. But her drama was done in a passive way where mine was more direct (asking her where we're heading, etc). She will tell you, if she was here herself, that I treated her very well and that I am a sweetheart (She used the words "Once a sweetheart, always a sweetheart" to desribe me exactly). Now at the time I admit that I while I wasn't a compelte doormat, I was very much in love and wanted the relationship to work out badly. Maybe too much so. Either way, yes we had drama but not the kind of drama you find in abusive relationships. There was never anything physical or yelling at the top of your lungs kind of stuff. Just a lot of questions and frustration from both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Has she been to counseling? Has she gotten any help for this? It is sad but unfortunately it's the way it is. Normal nice guys are viewed as boring to women of abuse. It takes a whole lot of work to realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 It is sad but unfortunately it's the way it is. Normal nice guys are viewed as boring to women of abuse. It takes a whole lot of work to realize that. many men don't understand this extremely simple concept AMAYSNGRACE... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Has she been to counseling? Has she gotten any help for this? Nope, she is an internalizer. You won't even know something is wrong with her because she has a great poker face. She works everything out internally so that by the time her mind is made up, you will feel like a bomb was dropped on you. It is sad but unfortunately it's the way it is. Normal nice guys are viewed as boring to women of abuse. It takes a whole lot of work to realize that. Yep and on the plus side, at least I have gotten my self esteem and confidence back and I realize just had far I had fallen. I don't need anyone's approval but God's and my own. I did, in many cases, work entirely too hard to win her over when I should have just been happy and content being myself. It's far too late to change what happened in the past but I will say that entire relationship was an eye opener for me and I've learned a lot. And you know, each relationship should be viewed as a learning opportunity. The definition of instanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time . If you don't learn and improve (and consequently change your behavior) you are simply doomed to failure. Anyway, I think I've pretty much talked myself into the web sites being her curiosity and doubt about the current guy. Since she made no attempts to contact me and we did not talk when we saw each other last week and I assuming (rightly so I think) that she's content with her decision. Then again like I said before, if she is working things out in her head, she will most contact me out of the blue. Probably when I am happy with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I believe she does harbor a lot of guilt for that. That reason alone is enough to make me believe she may have wanted to talk to me during the intense web site visits but her own guilt held her back. I'd buy that.... but I'd much rather hear that she swallowed her damn pride and apologized to you. That's F'd up. in fact, I think I was involved with her evil little twin sister. My father was diagnosed with "C" (can't even say it anymore)... she was the first person I called (in tears)... she has yet to acknowledge it or call and ask how he's been doing. So I can TRULY relate..... Selfish is the best word here. I'm telling you... at this point 15 months later.... shoot her an email and tell her to stay the hell off your page and move on with her own life. What do you have to lose at this point?.... yes, you haven't forgotten, but you are over her. Personally, IMO, I don't think you would take her back if by chance, she came back begging. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 I'd buy that.... but I'd much rather hear that she swallowed her damn pride and apologized to you. That's F'd up. in fact, I think I was involved with her evil little twin sister. My father was diagnosed with "C" (can't even say it anymore)... she was the first person I called (in tears)... she has yet to acknowledge it or call and ask how he's been doing. So I can TRULY relate..... Selfish is the best word here. I'm telling you... at this point 15 months later.... shoot her an email and tell her to stay the hell off your page and move on with her own life. What do you have to lose at this point?.... yes, you haven't forgotten, but you are over her. Personally, IMO, I don't think you would take her back if by chance, she came back begging. I could be tempted but only if I knew she was sincere and of that I know for sure if she was or not because I can always tell when she is lying. Telling her off though would admit that it still bothers me and really, it doesn't. It's my own curiosity of what she us up to that has me thinking. See, I have not made any attempt to contact and even seeing her, I was not tempted to go talk to her. I have a life that does not include her. If I did tell her off that would simply say to her "Wow, see. That guy is immature and hasn't moved on. I still have him on a string." It's a public web site so I can't exclude her (well I can block her IP addresses but really, I want to be above those childish games). At this point I'm just moving on with life. If she wanted me back I think even she realizes she has a lot of work to do. Maybe too much for her to bear Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 She works everything out internally so that by the time her mind is made up, you will feel like a bomb was dropped on you. ^This cracked me up. I feel bad for her really, I do. I think you're doing her a favor by keeping strict with N/C. Maybe losing you and finding this one will be the wake up call she needed to see that she gets the help she needs. And unfortunately for her by the time she gets her head together you very well may be with the 'one'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 ^This cracked me up. I feel bad for her really, I do. I think you're doing her a favor by keeping strict with N/C. Maybe losing you and finding this one will be the wake up call she needed to see that she gets the help she needs. And unfortunately for her by the time she gets her head together you very well may be with the 'one'. I think so too. Maybe she does too and that's why she was visiting? Maybe she sees me slipping away, haha. As for finding the one, that's not a great concern of mine. I have all the time in the world now since I am moving soon and have started my new career Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 As for finding the one, that's not a great concern of mine. I have all the time in the world now since I am moving soon and have started my new career So when does the new job start? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 no, i've been following this CALIGUY situation for more than a year (maybe two)....I know the history quite well. Abuse is tough. Being with someone who was abused is tough. It rubs off somehow. Even the smallest little thing can play tricks with your head, once your head has been exposed to it. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Telling her off though would admit that it still bothers me and really, it doesn't C'mon... you can't BS a BS'er... you mean you aren't getting SOME kinda satisfaction knowing she's hittin' your page??? Letting her know you see her hittin' your page in a confident... " You keep hitting my page... Is there something you wanna tell me?" or "GET OFF MY PAGE!" is not a reaction that'll make her think you're sweatin' her..... if anything it may stop her from viewing the page. Unless of course, you WANT her to keep hitting it. Like I said earlier, if you would have acknowledged her last week with a cool, calm Hello (I'm happy without you) attitude would've done more justice then ignoring her... she probably thinks you're afraid to talk to her and still bitter about the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 The thing is, he doesn't know 100% for sure if it's her. IT could very well be her future hubby, checking out the site. Don't do or say anything. ANY sort of reaction is just going to cause something to happen and after all that CG has been through, he doesn't need her back in his life, even as a friend or a casual aquaintance. Feeling and looking indifferent is the way to go. There is no point of them even saying hello. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 boooooooooo! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Feeling and looking indifferent is the way to go. There is no point of them even saying hello. I totally agree. When my exH comes for the kids they go out the door and get into his car. When he brings them home they get out of his car and come into the house. I never see him and when we do speak it's short and sweet. Only because we have kids together. If we didn't, I'd never have anything to do with him. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 There is no point of them even saying hello. and theres a point of hitting his page on a daily basis? Her or her new man? He has the right to know why... Mine was hitting my page, but every so often.... if she had done it alot, she would've heard "get lost stalker!";) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 He has the right to know why... Yes, but he shouldn't CARE to know. It shouldn't matter to him if she's viewing his webpage or her fiancee is. Some things are just best left alone and this is one of those times. ANY contact, email or a phone call is just ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 ANY contact, email or a phone call is just ridiculous. Agreed. No response is the best response. Otherwise it just invites more BS into your life by them knowing that they're getting to you. Name calling would be a great way to let somebody know that they're getting to you. It's best to ignore it completely and let her internalize it. Like I said before, he may actually be doing her a favor in this regard. Name calling and making demands is just stooping to her level. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Yes, but he shouldn't CARE to know Shouldn't being the key word here.... but.... BUT, he does care. Hell, started a thread about it. And hasn't gotten an answer yet.... soooo, if he wants to know why she's hitting the page... I simply suggested that he asks her. Otherwise, he spends the next few years, tracking logs and 'wondering'. Guess what? 15 months later, this girl still has him 'guessing' Or he can delete the page, tracker, toss the pc out the second floor window, whatever it takes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Guess what? 15 months later, this girl still has him 'guessing' I know. He'll truely move on, in his heart and mind once he stops checking her IP on his site and doesn't think of her at all. I honestly don't think she's intensely checking out the site, having doubts of getting married....How can he know she's having doubts of getting married? Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 How can he know she's having doubts of getting married? I think that's a cross between 'curiousity' and maybe a little 'wishful/hopeful thinking'.... her hits are obvious.... pictures, logs... she's fishing (selfishly) for a hint or trace that he may be dating... or maybe she's reading his blogs in the hopes of finding a reason to believe he's not over her. Hell, I've mentioned an ex in a 'blog type' thing and it went to her head. Damn me, boosted her ego all over again. back to square one. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Cali~ come back... Whichway and I can't pick your brain without ya.... Link to post Share on other sites
bridget_jones Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 The thing is, I don't want her back the way she treated me before and she'd have to have made a complete transformation for me to even consider going down that road again. . Well she got new boobs and new haircolor, she's halfway there on the transformation. (sorry, bad joke.) Unlike other posters, I don't think you checking your webpage and noticing she visits it an awful lot means anything, it is just interesting. I have friendly email and occasional (once a month or so) friendly phone calls with my last serious ex of two years, we broke up in Aug. We never discuss who we're dating, if we are at all. My birthday was last week and he sent me an email a couple days before and he sent one email which just said "It's your birthday soon. Any big plans?" He never sends me emails with just one line, it's usually a paragraph or two of miscellaneous stuff about work, etc. So I posted a question if that was his way of fishing to see if I'm dating someone or not. I got accused of obsessing over my ex, when in reality I was just curious as to why he was asking that, because I have no intentions of getting back together. I thought it was a valid question because honestly, if he was jealous I might have a date, I didn't want to lead him on that we might get back together. ANyhoo, it is curious that your ex is visiting your website that much. Link to post Share on other sites
bridget_jones Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I'm telling you... at this point 15 months later.... shoot her an email and tell her to stay the hell off your page and move on with her own life. What do you have to lose at this point?.... yes, you haven't forgotten, but you are over her. Personally, IMO, I don't think you would take her back if by chance, she came back begging. That is ridiculous advice. When you put a webpage out there, you are inviting the public to look at it and you can't tell someone to not check it out. Whether he still likes her or not, she still has a right to visit which websites she pleases. Link to post Share on other sites
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