Hmm, what's my ex up to?

[Art_Critic]

What are you afraid of by contacting her?

 

I wouldn't contact a woman that is already engaged and living with another man.

That alone sets the stage for who should contact who..

 

Contacting a woman that is already spoken for is just plain stupid.. It is no different than if she was married..

Unless you are after closure and not after getting her back..

that way you can just let her beat you up and then she goes right back to the guy she is engaged to and lives with

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, It's true. Sometimes people do make hard to read them and their intentions, but if you're going to live by the rule of "nothing will stop them from finding you if they want you". Dont you think that she's already made that effort?

 

What are you afraid of by contacting her?

 

It's not that I am "afraid" of contacting her. She is engaged and living with another man.

 

It's that I know how she operates and the signs she gave me were not any that said "I want to reconcile." She has always worked on the premise that if she wants you, she will make an effort to contact you. She did it the first time we broke up.

 

I left her with a good feeling and she knows if she needs to contact me that she can. If I initiate the contact then I know for sure she will think "Oh man this guy is hooked to the 9th degree."

 

I can't be the chaser here. She has to chase me or it won't work. That's just how she works. She needs to see me as a prize or she won't chase and she does love the chase.

[CaliGuy]

I wouldn't contact a woman that is already engaged and living with another man.

That alone sets the stage for who should contact who..

 

Contacting a woman that is already spoken for is just plain stupid.. It is no different than if she was married..

Unless you are after closure and not after getting her back..

that way you can just let her beat you up and then she goes right back to the guy she is engaged to and lives with

 

I agree 100% with you, Art. If she wanted me, she would initiate the contact.

 

I should add, I just looked at my site. She checked it about 20 minutes ago.

[whichwayisup]

Cali, you need to make a decision, either stop paying attention to what she's doing (ie checking out your site) and mentally stop thinking about her, dicussing her on here. Or, continue checking up on what she's doing, it will keep you in a holding pattern, even if you don't see it.

 

I'm not saying you're about to call her or you're hoping she's gonna call you and beg for forgiveness, so you will take her back - I just think all this dicussion about her isn't doing YOU any good. Talking about the "what if's or what could have been's" isn't helping you, it could very well be doing damage to your past feelings about her, opening up your heart ever so slightly. Hope that makes sense.

 

She's an ex for a reason. Remember that. I just wish you wouldn't care wtf she does, thinks or if she checks out your site.

[bridget_jones]

I agree with WWiU because the thread is about something's up, why is she checking out my website, etc. - she is thinking about me, what is going on, but you are checking on how many times she is checking out your site and spent a long time pondering her yourself. See the irony? You claim to be over her and she is having some issue with you and not really over you, yet you are spending this much time pontificating her every move (times she checked out website, hiding engagement ring, being friendly, etc.).

Maybe she is just sitting at work with nothing to do and is bored so she is checking out your blog for entertainment and it's really nothing more than that.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, you need to make a decision, either stop paying attention to what she's doing (ie checking out your site) and mentally stop thinking about her, dicussing her on here. Or, continue checking up on what she's doing, it will keep you in a holding pattern, even if you don't see it.

 

I'm not saying you're about to call her or you're hoping she's gonna call you and beg for forgiveness, so you will take her back - I just think all this dicussion about her isn't doing YOU any good. Talking about the "what if's or what could have been's" isn't helping you, it could very well be doing damage to your past feelings about her, opening up your heart ever so slightly. Hope that makes sense.

 

She's an ex for a reason. Remember that. I just wish you wouldn't care wtf she does, thinks or if she checks out your site.

 

I agree with much of what you are saying. What spurred her checking my site was a few weeks ago, then this all happened.

 

Of course the "What if's" and "Should, woulda, coulda's" are going to happen. But I am adamant about not initiating any conversations with her.

 

I guess the odd behavior is what sparked this as well. I wanted to try and understand if what I was perceiving to be was reality or was I just looking for something that wasn't there.

 

I also really wanted to know why she was hiding the ring and why she lied about what she was doing after.

 

The thread has sort of taken on a life of it's own but any women who can shed some light on why one would hide their engagement ring and do all the things she did helps me put to rest the questions I've been having.

 

Thanks all. I don't want to seem like I am obsessive, I just have an inquisitive mind by nature and am always over-analyzing everything.

 

It makes for a great network architect but maybe not so good for relationships

[whichwayisup]

My only real point is, why does it really matter? She's with another man, engaged to be married to him. Her action that way has shown you that there is no 'you and her'. Even if she is checking out your website, it may not meaning anything but pure curosity. The ego thing....Just like I guess for the same reasons why you're curious about her, it's ego related. (I don't mean that in a bad way.)

 

All this isn't really helping you move on, it's making you "think" and that's not a good thing. Be indifferent, like who cares what she is doing and why. She's someone else's problem now and she's out of your life. Be thankful for that.

 

Remember, she CHEATED on you. Wasting time thinking of her is just that. A waste of time.

[CaliGuy]

My only real point is, why does it really matter? She's with another man, engaged to be married to him. Her action that way has shown you that there is no 'you and her'. Even if she is checking out your website, it may not meaning anything but pure curosity. The ego thing....Just like I guess for the same reasons why you're curious about her, it's ego related. (I don't mean that in a bad way.)

 

All this isn't really helping you move on, it's making you "think" and that's not a good thing. Be indifferent, like who cares what she is doing and why. She's someone else's problem now and she's out of your life. Be thankful for that.

 

Remember, she CHEATED on you. Wasting time thinking of her is just that. A waste of time.

 

True and thanks. I probably needed that reminder to keep my head in check. Sticking to not contacting her is sort of validation for that.

 

As long as she is with him and not contacting me then well, I have my answer. And life does go on, I agree.

 

I'd love to start dating again but am waiting until I love. And my stupid apartment complex won't let me out of my lease without paying a huge fine to do so (they want me to pay the rest of the lease off whether I live her or not) and I can't afford rent at two places right now.

 

So I may be stuck here until the end of August.

[thecount]

I see where you're going with the NC thing with this girl. If she likes the chase. Then it is best to do the NC thing.

 

I was the same way with my ex. I think I must of came off a bit needy too. As soon as i pulled back though. she just started to call like crazy, but I'm nowhere ready be with her. She has a lot of issues she needs to work out.

 

One reason for not going back might be that i'm starting not to care anymore. This is what she asked for, and she's getting it. She put me through hell. and I don't want that anymore.

[CaliGuy]

I see where you're going with the NC thing with this girl. If she likes the chase. Then it is best to do the NC thing.

 

I was the same way with my ex. I think I must of came off a bit needy too. As soon as i pulled back though. she just started to call like crazy, but I'm nowhere ready be with her. She has a lot of issues she needs to work out.

 

One reason for not going back might be that i'm starting not to care anymore. This is what she asked for, and she's getting it. She put me through hell. and I don't want that anymore.

 

Agreed. And if I just opened the door for her easily then how will she ever value me at all? It can't be like that with her or anyone else.

 

Once they know they can walk all over you they will not respect you. And as we all know, respect preceeds love. Without it, there is no foundation for love to grow.

[bridget_jones]

Do you think you could put out an ad for someone to sublet/take over your lease?

[CaliGuy]

Do you think you could put out an ad for someone to sublet/take over your lease?

 

I can but they want to stick me with a xfer fee which is the same as one month's rent.

[Faith2]

I agree 100% with you, Art. If she wanted me, she would initiate the contact.

 

I should add, I just looked at my site. She checked it about 20 minutes ago.

 

Whoops, here we go again. That didn't take long, less than a week.

 

JMO, but all the things she did in person with you last Friday count as initiating contact in my book. IN PERSON. Are you waiting for an email? A phone call?

[CaliGuy]

Whoops, here we go again. That didn't take long, less than a week.

 

JMO, but all the things she did in person with you last Friday count as initiating contact in my book. IN PERSON. Are you waiting for an email? A phone call?

 

I'm not "waiting" period. As I said before, if she wanted to contact me, she would.

 

Remember, she's wearing HIS ring and living with HIM. She gave me no verbal sign that she wanted to talk about anything other than the casual stuff (friends/family).

 

And last but not least, she likes the chase. If I chase, she will run. And right now, as long as she's wearing his ring, she's not someone I think of as worthy of chasing or is she chasing me (as it needs to be if it were to work out).

 

Complicated, I know. And I have had the advice to initiate contact but from people who don't really know her as well as I do or how she operates.

 

When she is chased, she feels "caged" into the relationship. She wants to be free to chase the guy and catch him, not feel like she is being pursued. Weird, but that's just how she works.

[Art_Critic]

I'm not "waiting" period. As I said before, if she wanted to contact me, she would.

 

Remember, she's wearing HIS ring and living with HIM. She gave me no verbal sign that she wanted to talk about anything other than the casual stuff (friends/family).

 

 

^ Five Dude....Keep your self respect

[Faith2]

Complicated, I know. And I have had the advice to initiate contact but from people who don't really know her as well as I do or how she operates.

 

Oh, I'm not suggesting that you contact her. Bad idea. By my code (as by yours, too) the ring, the engagement, the fiance... she is strictly off-limits.

 

And yet... her many subtle moves last week were toward you. And then there's the cryptic message from her mother. Now another website visit.

 

Chasing is sometimes done indirectly... a slow circling of the prize.

 

Or... it might mean nothing at all. *shrug*

[CaliGuy]

Oh, I'm not suggesting that you contact her. Bad idea. By my code (as by yours, too) the ring, the engagement, the fiance... she is strictly off-limits.

 

And yet... her many subtle moves last week were toward you. And then there's the cryptic message from her mother. Now another website visit.

 

Chasing is sometimes done indirectly... a slow circling of the prize.

 

Or... it might mean nothing at all. *shrug*

 

Maybe. Bottom line, as Art would most likely agree, it has to be initiated by her.

 

And she has to not be wearing his ring.

[CaliGuy]

^ Five Dude....Keep your self respect

 

Sorry I missed this, Art. Thank you. You've given me a lot of good advice in the past and I know a lot of people think it hasn't stuck or that I am obsessed with my ex. I don't know if that is true.

 

I guess her odd behavior perplexes me. She's never behaved like this around me before, even when we were dating.

[2sunny]

Sorry I missed this, Art. Thank you. You've given me a lot of good advice in the past and I know a lot of people think it hasn't stuck or that I am obsessed with my ex. I don't know if that is true.

 

I guess her odd behavior perplexes me. She's never behaved like this around me before, even when we were dating.

 

you were a different man and in a different place back then CG.

 

hence - her odd behavior - trying to get a read on the new you... JMO though..

 

i wish you would find a new - fun - young gal to date that would get your thoughts away from her -

 

even if you were to get back together - i'm not so sure it would be a great as your mind thinks it may be...

 

any distraction may be a good thing right now.

[CaliGuy]

you were a different man and in a different place back then CG.

 

hence - her odd behavior - trying to get a read on the new you... JMO though..

 

Agreed. She had not seen me that way in some time. Confident, calm, funny, laughing and not paying much attention to her. I think the deep looks into my eyes were her searching to see if it was really me being me or just a front.

 

When I left I was pretty certain that I had left a good mark on her. In the past I would try and get her attention, seek her out, beg/plead, ask her personal questions, compare myself to the guy she is seeing, etc. I did none of that. She was the one following me around. She was the one asking questions. She hid that engagement ring.

 

She once told friends that if we saw each other in public somewhere that I would not be able to resist coming to talk to her. Well, I did. She was the one who came to me three times. Not once did I go seek her out.

 

i wish you would find a new - fun - young gal to date that would get your thoughts away from her -

 

Me too but so far I've been on a bunch of dull dates. It seems there's no one who sparks my interest. It's not like I haven't been trying, trust me on that.

 

even if you were to get back together - i'm not so sure it would be a great as your mind thinks it may be...

 

any distraction may be a good thing right now.

 

In defense of us both, I think we've both matured a lot. At least I can tell that she has in some ways and I have in a lot of ways.

 

I guess time will tell. Her visiting the site says that I am still on her mind. I am willing to be that she thought I was going to write or call her after talking on Friday and so far I have not. It's been a week and I've been absolutely quiet and indifferent towards her (well, at least as far as she can see).

 

More than anything, this experience has taught me that I have improved a lot. I know what I was like before and what I am like now and not to toot my own horn, but thanks to God's graces I've really made significant improvement. I'm still not 100% but man, if you only knew me back then...

[thecount]

Caliguy, i've been trying to keep up with this post. because it reminds me a lot of my situation.

 

I will not contact my ex, but she has called me. Sometimes i answer, sometimes i don't. I've noticed that when I don't answer. She will call me multiple times and demand to know where i am. what's with that? When we were dating and i couldn't get intouch with her and I would call a few times she would get upset. WHY CALL ME SO MANY TIME she would say. Now we're not together. She thinks she has the right to demand where I've been?

 

I think you are 100% right on the chase thing. My ex is doing it with me. I've practically given up on her. Loosing intrest by the day, and she's doing the chasing now, but I don't want it. She's changed so much. I don't believe a word she says anymore. Every word out of her mouth is a lie, and it's just turning me off. She's a very attractive girl, but when I see her, she looks ugly now. Maybe all I see now is just he personality, and it sucks. lol

[whichwayisup]

It's all about control and ego. the ex's call you guys to 'see' if you still like and want them, but as soon you react or make any real effort to call them, they'll do a 180 on you and RUN the other way, like ewwww, we are NOT a couple, back off already...It's all attention and ego based, nothing more, nothing less...

[bendit]

hmmm cali and I go way back so he won't mind if I ...

 

Cali, you first posted about this girl almost two years ago. and at least to my eyes you are just as obsessed with her as you were that day. you keep saying you are "indifferent" but that's hardly the case. I mean you pour over IP logs looking for "evidence", you are still in contact with her and her mother, and you secretly hope she is going to call or email you.

 

Cali how you ever earned the name king of NC is a real mystery to me. You aren't and never have been NC with this person. You practically have left a trail of breadcrumbs to your door for her given you never changed your email phone number and even have a blog you know she reads.

 

You've broken up with her multiple times yet somehow you award her this "prize" status that frankly not a one of us can see. You somehow have this fantasy that she is your dream girl and the only one who can make you happy. After almost two years you still have Oneitis, and for a girl that is engaged and who pretty much devalued you every chance she could. (I have read your story on another forum).

 

I say you are darn lucky that she isn't reeling you in right now for another go around because I am 90% sure you would take her up on it, provided she told you what you wanted to hear. You talk a good game but you would melt if she offered you the chance to reconcile.

 

Nothing has changed here. You don't know if she has changed. I say she hasn't. You do know she got a boob job. Positive change? How would you like to be her fiance with her giving mixed signals and spying on your website. Nice catch ehhh? Have you changed? Perhaps externally. But it seems to me you are still, after almost two years, posting on and on about an Unavailable woman. How many years are you going to let go by without addressing your avoidance of moving forward with your life?

 

I don't' know if you ever told the folks on second chances forum what happened when you disappeared from loveshack for three months last year right after posting that you thought your second chance was real. I imagine something disastrous happened, but I haven't seen you address it.

 

That recounting, instead of this incessant wondering about why a mysterious person does mysterious things, would do more for the folks on this forum than this non stop obsessing you do over this person you can't seem to shake.

 

regards

[bridget_jones]

In all fairness, Bendit, I don't feel Caliguy was obsessing with this post, it's just that a lot of posters responded and had their own opinions, and Caliguy responded his thoughts. I think it is something we could all relate to so the thread just sort of took a life on its own and Caliguy was kind enough to respond honestly to what people had addressed in response to his post.

[whichwayisup]

I think bendit obviously knows CG well and probably is just pointing out to him after 2 years, it's really time to move on and NOT care or think about his ex anymore. She seems to 'be' in his life still, more than she should be.