9years and no "I Love You"

[lovelyleo]

I don't even know how to begin. And I may be very vague, I am not even sure why I feel the need to ask if anyone out there can help me.

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We have lived together for 6 years. As the title says he has never said I love you. That right there should be the deal breaker that I up and leave. But I am so torn as to staying or sacking up and leaving, or at least taking a "break". I have worked hard on this relationship with no return. I mean sure we get along we are not always sexual compatible, he likes porn on the internet and is so clueless that he actually has no idea that I know he looks at it. Though when we are with friends who are all into the porn thing and not afraid to admit it, he tends to diss them saying "That is so disgusting dude I can't believe you seriously get off on watching this stuff!

Whenever I want to sit down and discuss us or where we are going I am put down in a gentle way of "come on I am still here aren't I?" I am tired of being 2nd best to his sports and his job..which is wondeerful he does rec therapy for kids with diabilities..but he gives all of himself to these kids and families then come home and has no love to give to me. This is my real question...why is it I am so scared to leave him or give up or walk away when I know there is no future with what I want in it. I am regaining a lot of self confidence I had lost over the years when life throws you curveballs, so now am feeling deserving of whatever my heart desires. What do I do to even approach this with him when he refuses to talk about anything personal with us..especially during March Maddness. He is very nice to me, and a wonderful person in general. However he is extremely selfish in most cases, for a simple example whenever a movie comes out he wants to see we must go see it. If a movie I want to see comes out I am bashed for wanting to watch a chick flick and told I should find a girlfriend to go watch it with me (which I do) or rent it when it comes out on DVD. But then will turn around and said I was out at the store and saw this cute hoodie for you and bought it. Anyone have any advice on my cluster mess of a relationship???

[sb129]

Whoa.

 

Sounds like he has issues with sayingthose three words.

 

Has he ever hinted to the fact that he does? evidence would point to the fact that he probably does love you, he just has problems saying it.. but still you need to hear it.

 

How often do you tell him you love him?

 

Have you ever asked him if he loves you?

[lovelyleo]

He does have issues with those words, that is a fact. I tell him I love fairly often, almost once a day. But I have really slowed in saying it because I am feeling it as rejection when there is no response. I would like to think he loves me but he won't even talk about love or our future or anything delving in to "feelings". When I ask if he would like to marry me he says I don't think this is the right time to talk about that..so when is the right time? Or I ask if he wants a future with me he says you are acting crazy. Each time I have gone to him with these questions I have been calm collected and just asking a simple question for my future. Don't I deserve to know..or am I just hanging on with false hope that things will change. I have suggested counseling to talk about some of this stuff and that hit a nerve that, I really am crazy if I think some counselor can really help us in our life together. I guess I am just searching and pry already know what I need to do...but am hoping all this love and effort is not just wasted 9 years of my life.

[norajane]

I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound like the kind of guy you can plan a future with. If he won't even discuss it after 9 years, if he can't bring himself to say I love you, and then all the other behaviors...why would you want that kind of relationship in your life?

 

9 years is a long time to be with someone. He's the one who's crazy if he thinks you're crazy to bring up a future.

 

It may be time for you to prepare to move on. Don't look at this relationship as a waste of time. You've put a lot into it, you've learned a lot about yourself, and you've grown as a person to the point you now know - and are now ready - to be with somone who can also be fully with you. You needed this time to really get your self clear on what's important to you. Now that you know, there's no point in staying any longer.

[Dadubwa]

Ya know what the problem seems to be.

 

 

You need to put your foot down.

 

"Please sit we need to talk"

"uh, not right now the game is on."

"*take the remote turn off the t.v.*...I'm not kidding we NEED to talk sit down."

 

 

Explain what you just explained here....if you're going to be submissive to his insults and lack of compassion then you need to change that right now, right quick. Don't be so meek, this isn't just his relationship it's yours too! If he doesn't listen write him a letter...if he doesn't respond...LEAVE.

 

6 years is a long time to fall into love...but also very easily to fall out.

 

Good luck!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

It's highly possible that things will not change. If after being together for 9 years he doesn't know whether he wants to get married or not, chances are it's not going to happen. Why should they? And I'm not blaming you, judging you or getting on you, but there's no reason to change. In his mind he may feels "If it's not broke, don't fix it." If things have been going good with you two for the past 9 years the way things have been, he's comfortable with that. To be honest with you, it sounds like he has some serious commitment issues. Sure he's been there...that could be because he doesn't want to be alone. But all the other things that come with having a relationship, he's not investing in. Verbal expressions are just as important as actions. He has not said I Love You, he won't give you any assurance on a future together. Even if you gave him an ultimatum, he's probably wouldn't do it. You can chance a break. That might wake him up, but it's good you're working on yourself and you realize that you deserve more. I hope you get it whether it's with him or with someone else.

[polywog]

Hi lovelyleo,

I just read this post, and had loads of random thoughts which I'll try to orgaize, as your story is very similar to mine.

 

I have just been through the end of a 9yrLTR, living with him for 8, to a very similar man. He ended it in January, and I am still in the process of moving out.

 

Our courtship was slow, and he broke up with me twice early on before things got serious. He asked, begged, me to come back both times, and I eventually moved in with him after serious thought, thinking this was It, the man I'd be with for the rest of my life.

 

We made a wonderful home and life together, had a great sex life, and I was his helpmate in every way. A glitch, (a big one, really that I chose to mostly ignore) is that he was still married to a woman he hadn't seen in years. His reasons for not divorcing were that he was behind on taxes and couldn't follow through til this was cleared up.

 

We talked about eventually marrying, but never had a serious discussion. He only told me he loved me, rarely, when I told him, during particularly tender moments. I sort of felt like he felt he had to say it, but I put this in the back of my mind. His actions were loving, I felt, and everyone who knew us "knew" he loved me, and I felt loved much, if not all, of the time. The truth is, I think I was just taking crumbs he tossed my way. I loved him dearly, warts and all, and the life we had together.

 

But in my gut, especially in the past few years, I got slowly eaten up by the realization that his actions were not respecting me. He eventually payed off his taxes, and even persued the divorce last year. During this time, there were no talks about our future. He never has followed through on this divorce, for one thing. And another thing is that despite the fact that I was in his life, his partner, he never thought to give me any stake in this home or any security. He told me, when I brought it up, that if anything happened to him, I could have the house. But he won't make a will "because nothing will ever happen to him".

 

Because he is still married, if something did happen, I'd be on the street with the wife (a crazy addict mess, last we heard) would end up here. There were no signs of any future, we just lived here together like nothing was going on. My friends, family, and others were all bothered by this, and I was trying to fend off my pain, making excuses, like a deer in the headlights to avoid the painful message that his actions (or nonactions) were showing me.

 

During the realtionship, I saw signs of someone who could not really love. We only did things together if it was something he wanted to do. Our social lives were practically separate, though I joined in activities that we did with his friends. We only took one vacation together, 8 years ago, to visit my family. When I would suggest a vacation, he only wanted to go skiing because that's what he likes to do (I don't ski, but that would not keep me from joining him). But we never even took that trip together. He began making unilateral decisions that affected both of us without considering me.

 

 

Well, he ended it because he said that he "Never really fell in love with me". Ouch, tho I suppose the signs were obvious. I have been devasted, but I know I'll never settle for less than someone who loves me truly, and gives me real signs. Not crumbs which I foolishly settled for.

 

I know this is a long post, and it's about me, but your post has really hit a nerve, as I'm sure you can see. The moral of my story which paralles yours is Don't settle, please, for crumbs. You deserve more than he is giving you.

[Guest]

i was reading your posts and was shocked to be reading my own possible future!! im four years into my relationship and he's never said he loves me, although all his friends tell me he does.. we only ever go out with his friends, do what he wants too, if he does give in and take me where i wanna go, he sulks and texts his mates (real nice huh?)

i used to tell him i love him but got a shrug or (even worse) a thank you!

i mean, did i offer to make him a cup of tea??!! no, i said i love you, to me that means a hell of a lot..

he has the internet porn obsession too, makes me a bit uncomfortable.

ive put four years into this, even moved to the other side of the world to be with him, leaving friends and family, i dont think an i love you is too much too ask....