not sure what to make of this guy

[karly_d]

Howdy! First time here, please go easy on me.

 

Not sure what to make of this guy I've recently started dating. A few things about him that leave me wondering if he's much of a catch or not.

 

He's nearly 40 (me as well) and he claims he hasn't had a long-term relationship for about 10 years, and that he's only had one date in all that time. That struck me as odd. I asked him why he's only had one date in 10 years and he said that it's because he's "shy" and that he's choosy. Let's just say that during our first few conversations, he openly admitted to me that he's felt quite lonely over the past few years, sometimes even "depressed" about not having anyone in his life. He surely doesn't strike me as very shy, so it's got me wondering what's really up here?

 

This past Saturday night he came over to watch movies. He was anything but shy. And for someone who's not been with a woman for 10 years, he seemed like a real pro at making the moves (nothing major) and kissing, or making the first move (to kiss me).

 

He's in school, just started a 2 year program this past September. He tells me that nearly all of the other students in his classes are in their late teens or early twenties. He's admitted to me that sometimes he'll get together with these young kids and go to the school pub and drink a fair bit. For example, I'd invited him for dinner one night this week. We talked on the phone tonight about which night would be good for both of us (for dinner) and he said that Friday wasn't good for him because he finishes his end of term final exams on Thursday and that on Friday night, him and many of his classmates will likely get together to basically get drunk and celebrate end of exams.

 

I don't mean to disrespect anyone here (who's in their late teens/early twenties), but I can't help but wonder what a 40 year old man is doing drinking with a bunch of people half his age. Also, several of his female friends in the city where we live, are waitresses who are also in their very early twenties. Last Wednesday night, even though he had school that next morning, he stayed out drinking until nearly 3am, at a pub where some of his young girl "friends" work. He admits he does this alot. He goes there to this particular pub for dinner and drinks, drinks too much, then takes a taxi home. Maybe it's just me, but most 40 year old men have more intelligent things to do on a weeknight, and are more inclined to be friends with those closer to their own age.

 

Incidentally, this past weekend was the first time we actually met and did something together. This weekend coming up is our last before he goes away to visit his family (across the country) for the holidays/for 3 weeks. For someone who's been so lonely all these years and has wanted so badly to find someone nice to date, he's going to spend Friday night with people half his age drinking his face off, when he could spend it with me instead?

 

When you're in a new relationship, don't you want to spend your free time with someone, as opposed to acting all single and spending it out drinking without that person? It just seems so strange to me.

 

He's got several exams this week, and he spent this past weekend goofing off and getting nothing done. Last night (monday night), he called and left a msg so I called him back. All he did was complain about how he was sure he'd failed one of his exams (no doubt, he didn't study all weekend, I can't hardly feel sorry for him!), and how he had two more exams tomorrow (tuesday). We got to talking, and then he very abruptly and rudely made a comment that he didn't feel like talking on the phone all night and that he had to study. I guess I was taken back by his abruptness, and it came across in my voice, and he rudely and sarcastically accused me of "pouting."

 

During our first few conversations, prior to meeting, we had great conversations. He seemed very sweet and intelligent. Now, he talks to me like I'm one of the guys, a real smart ass and just not the way I'd expect a guy who was interested in me would talk.

 

Sunday night, I knew he was stressed out about his exams yesterday, and I know he's been having problems with his car. I tried to be kind, and I emailed him and reassured him that if for any reason his car didn't start yesterday morning, to call me and I'd give him a ride to school, and that if he was up late studying and was afraid he'd sleep in, to let me know and I'd give him a wakeup call (which he's done for me before). He didn't even have the decency to even drop me a line back to at least say "thanks for the offer."

 

I am starting to get the impression that he's just not very mature for his age, doesn't know how to treat women, relates better with women half his age, likes to drink too much, and doesn't have much going for himself.

 

I also really can't help but seriously wonder if it's true that he's really never dated anyone, except one person, for the past 10 years. That sounds too hard to believe. But why would he say that if it wasn't true?

 

I hate to brush someone off without giving them a fair shake, but I'm starting to wonder if he's simply a dud. He doesn't even act like he's all that interested, or, he doesn't act like someone who's finally so happy that they met someone decent.

 

any insight would be kindly appreciated.

 

~karly~

[Tony T]

From your description, he sounds like he's an adult child from an alcoholic family and he, too, is alcoholic. It's easy to believe he hasn't had many dates in the last ten years from just the way you describe he's acted towards you.

 

I wouldn't waste another minute with the guy or you may be in for big trouble.

 

All of this behavior, his snapiness, his procrastination in putting off studies until the last minute, his associating with people half his age, etc. is stongly indicative of someone from an alcoholic family. His heavy and frequent drinking is another indication that he, himself, is an active alcoholic who has probably never been in a treatment or recovery program.

 

Alcohol takes a terrible toll on the brain over time, a lot of which is irreversible. If he started drinking young, he's probably depleted a lot of his gray matter...which accounts for the fact why he's still in school and doing poorly.

 

Then you come around as an enabler and offer to give him a wake up call and he expresses no appreciation. What a bastard!

 

This guy sounds like somebody you ought to avoid like the plague. I know you're smart enough to know that because your post is pretty well written and insightful.

 

My questions for you is why in heaven's name would you even want to consider another minute with this dude? You know by his recent behavior he has the potential for making your life miserable and hurting you terribly?

 

Find out why you're attracted to men like this and work on that. You deserve kindness, courtesy and respect. You are a very nice lady and I wouldn't put up with a butthole like this guy ten seconds if I were you.

 

Go find yourself a nice guy who doesn't get drunk with the kiddies.

[CityGyrl]

Yes, I tend to agree that this is one guy you might want to avoid. Your description of his behavior automatically raised a red flag to me. It's obvious that in his 40 years, this guy has a lot of growing up to do. At such an age, one should be exuding a lot of maturity and wisdom. But it seems like he is reverting back to his youth. Maybe because he feels like ten years of his life has been wasted with him not dating anyone that he feel like some play is still left in him. Honey, let him be. Not unless you like hanging out with twentysomethings and getting drunk til you puke. Your time is valuable. And it will go to waste dealing with this loser. Since you wake him up in the morning, do you write him a doctor's note when he misses class. Give me a break! This guy is trying to re-live his youth all over. Let him play with the kiddies and get a real man.