His family...

[maxelle]

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 22 and he's 26. We are engaged and want to get married as soon as we sort out a few things, eg his job, where to live etc. I'm the sort of person who really needs security. I worry heaps and kind of feel like I need my family to fully want me to get married, before I can really feel 100% happy with getting married. Sometimes my fiance says that circumstances will never be 100% ideal. He says that sometimes he feels like I keep raising the bar, i guess he probably feels like I keep coming up with reasons that make it more difficult to get married... I think it's just that I'm scared of making a mistake...scared of failing. Feeling like this really annoys me because I know everythings a learning experience. I know life isn't easy, and things can't always be perfect.

 

My confusion and up-down feelings are further compounded by his difficult family. He has a complicated family. I feel our family backgrounds are so different. I'm very close to my family. He is not that close to his. His mother suffers from some sort of manic depression. She can be irrational, and demanding of her family. Her problem has lead his family to make some bad financial decisions. I'm worried that his family problems will affect our future marriage. I realise this makes me sound like a cold, uncaring person. I feel sorry for him, but still don't really want to take on such huge issues. (There are other problems with his family, eg financial, and his teen sister has behavioural problems). I'd like to be able to be the model person and say that I accept him and these problems, but I don't think I can. I think these issues have the potential to really cause problems for us.

 

After complaining about all these things, I then feel like I'm being selfish and ungrateful. He really is lovely to me. I trust him completely, and I'll be there whenever he needs me. I think I'm just having a difficult time in this kind of transition period. Am I kidding myself to think that once we are married and live in our own place, we won't be so involved in his family problems.

 

Despite presenting these negative features of our relationship, there are also many positive aspects. I guess I'm just a bit weary. I guess I just want to know other people's experiences with imperfect families.

 

I want to try and be a support to him, and not act like I blame him, like it's his fault, but at the same time, I really don't want to be worn down by all his family stuff...it stresses me out. I've seen the damage inlaws can do to newly-weds by asking them for money etc and involving them too much in their problems.

 

A fresh perspective would really be appreciated... Thanks!

[Kat]

My b/f used to live out of home, even asked me to move in with him. But that didn't work out and he said straight to me "I can't live with you". He is now living back with his parents so he can save up for a house.

 

He puts his family first in everything. Even when he does nothing but bitch about them and how they never listen to him, and he does things for them. It really pisses me off that he lets them use him so much, but even when I tell him his reposnse is "I don't want to regret anything when it comes to my parents, I don't want to say, I wish I talked to them more, saw them more...etc"

 

I have told him he has a right to his life, and he can love and respect his parents without ruining his life for them, but he disagrees.

 

It is something we disagree on strongly, yet something I have come to terms with. My family can be difficult, and he can find them annoying, just like I with his. I am prepared to forgoe the "issues" I have with his relationship with them because I love him and plus they are nice people.

 

We all disagree on things and have to come to come common ground. One day it will all be ok. Stick with it, and realise that without being harsh, that usually parents die before kids so you may have a few years of peace.!

[Tony T]

I think you have way too many reservations, concerns and doubts to be getting married at this time. I am impressed that love hasn't blinded you to these problems. Conditions seldom change after marriage...they usually worsen. In this case, a highly dysfunctional family will work even harder for the attention of a son they feel may be slipping further away from the pack.

 

If you can't get the situation shaped to your liking before you get marriged, and have those changes be lasting and consistent, you need to think about looking elsewhere for a partner.

 

Love is never enough to make a happy and successful marriage. The problems you describe could knaw on you terribly and make life miserable for you.

[CityGyrl]

I think you have some very valid concerns. But there is no such thing as an ideal marriage. Problems will always come up that will have to be addressed by the both of you. And it's better that they are addressed now than after the marriage. If you have reservations about his family's involvement in your marriage, than tell him about them. Tell him your concerns. You both should discuss when it is and when it isn't appropriate for family members to become involved in your relationship. Which it shouldn't be unless the both of you have agreed for it to happen.

 

Remember, while you become part of his dysfunctional family, you are not marrying them. You are marrying him. Therefore their actions should have no influence into your relationship. I think communication will be very beneficial in helping you overcome your fears. Better to talk it out now than to be dealing with it after you say "I do." That way you will both no how each other stands and avoid potential hurt feelings over the situation. Good Luck!