Rape and True Love

[Guest]

I have been raped by 3 seperate men over about a 10 year period. One was a one time thing, one was a stalker and the last was my ex husband who would rape me every 3 days or he would become unbearable. My ex husband did this for 2 years. I would tell him no and he would force me to anyway.

 

I have now been married to the man of my dreams for 6 years and he is the most wonderful man. He would never hurt me. I have always been strong and before I met my current husband I basicly took care of myself. Now I find myself disabled and striken with bouts of depression. My docter said I have CPTSS. Just like POWs the momment I find I am safe....the pain hit me like a brick wall. I have done all I can to reduce things like flashbacks and thoughts of suiside.

 

My question is this. When my husband wants to make love I get these waves of fear. As though I feel like I have crossed a threshold between choice and commitment to sex. My husband thinks he is at fault. He believes I am not attracted to him. When we first started dateing none of these feelings haunted me like they do now. I feel convinced its not him...but me dealing with my past. I have talked to Drs and they simply say what do I expect?

 

What can I tell my husband to help him understand....are there any articles online or someoen we can talk to that could help me. The moment he gets mad/hurt because I turned him down my mind always goes to killing myself because I cant imagine my life without him (he does NOT threaten to leave me, I just dispise hurting him)

 

Please help me....please tell me if he is right in feeling this way....I am lost

 

Thank u

/hugs

[Craig]

I think your Doc said you have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and you have good reasons to have it and to be feeling the way you do right now.

 

A treatment plan that your Doc may not have heard of is called "exposure therapy" and a type of drug called a "beta blocker" can be used during exposure therapy to kind of boost the results of the therapy.

 

Have a look at this article, http://health.dailynewscentral.com/content/view/1397/63 print it out and show your doctor. She or he may be able to refer you for treatment using these methods.

 

Other drugs that may be useful and might be prescribed by your doctor include Buspar and/or an SSRI antidepressant. Stay away from anything like ativan, lorazepam, valium, xanax, etc. unless you absolutely must use them because they are addictive.

 

If you're a coffee drinker you'll want to limit your intake of caffeine. Exercise can help relieve some of the symptoms you have as well.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Green]

I dont understand what u want? U want ur husband to stop trying to have sex with you? If hes such a great guy and so nice to u sounds like he already gets you, That craig guy posibly had some good advice never heard of any of it but if it helps you get over ur feelings that may be better then making ur husband understand something it sounds like he already understands.

[lonelybird]

Here is the author's website, she inspired many many people, hope this will help

http://www.joycemeyer.org/default.htm

 

 

Abuse and the Miracle of Recovery

by Joyce Meyer

 

During my childhood I was abused sexually, emotionally, verbally and physically. Many of you have also been abused, or you deal with someone in your life who comes from an abusive, dysfunctional background.

 

What does abuse mean? It means “to misuse, to use improperly, to use up or to injure by maltreatment.” The effects of abuse can be devastating and long-lasting. Many people never recover from it. Let me give you a brief definition of the four types of abuse.

 

Sexual abuse: considered to be the most degrading and offensive; consists of rape, molestation, incest, exhibitionism, voyeurism and obscene phone calls.

Emotional abuse: consists of withholding attention, loving touches and words of acceptance. Love is only given based on acceptable performance. Abandonment is a type of emotional abuse and can occur when one or both parents leave the child physically or mentally. Adults can also experience abandonment if important people in their lives leave suddenly or violently.

Verbal abuse: can be overt or covert. Overt: aggressive, angry words that say you’re flawed or unacceptable. Covert: loving words of acceptance that help you develop properly are withheld.

Physical abuse: consists of beatings, unfair discipline, being locked in closets or dark rooms and withholding food.

 

Although I appeared to function normally in society, I had multiple inward problems and complicated personality disorders. There were several things going on in me at the time that prevented me from receiving and experiencing the righteousness, peace and joy of God’s kingdom (see Romans 14:17). But Jesus came so that we could have and enjoy kingdom living.

 

I was bitter about my past and had a chip on my shoulder, which caused me to have the attitude that everyone owed me preferential treatment. I was full of self-pity, especially if things didn’t go my way. I was controlling, manipulative, fearful, insecure and harsh. I was just plain hard to get along with and often downright obnoxious. I was judgmental, suspicious and very negative. I experienced a lot of guilt and condemnation. I had a shame-based nature; therefore, everything I attempted was poisoned. Since I didn’t like who I was, I spent many years trying to be like someone else. I’m sure you get the picture—I was quite a mess!

 

Now, what I’m getting ready to say is important. I was born again and actively involved in church life. We attended church regularly and did church work. Our lives revolved around the church, but I was not getting victory over my problems. In fact, the really sad part was that I didn’t even understand that I had a problem. I thought everyone else had a problem and that if they would change, I would be happy.

 

In 1976 I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Acts 1:8 speaks of receiving God’s power to be His witnesses. Notice it does not say to do witnessing but to be witnesses. The Bible says we are to be living epistles and read by all men (see 2 Corinthians 3:2), light in a dark world, and the salt of the earth (see Matthew 5:13,14). Doing is a different thing than being. I had my outside polished up, but my inner life was a wreck. Quite often the inner turmoil exploded, and then everybody could see I wasn’t quite what I appeared to be.

 

The outpouring of the Holy Spirit in my life gave me a real love for God's Word and an ability to understand it like never before. Second Corinthians 3:18 says looking into the Word of God is like looking into a mirror which transforms us into His image from glory to glory. I have been changing ever since. I have changed and changed and changed. And I’m still changing! Most of those problems are completely gone, and the rest only flare up occasionally. I even look different—younger, happier, more peaceful.

 

Second Corinthians 5:17 says that if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away; and all things are made new. But that really doesn’t mean everything from the past just vanishes. The Amplified Bible brings it out this way: Behold, the fresh and new has come! In other words, without Jesus there is no hope for newness of life. The past always affects the future without the power of God to overcome it. But even with Jesus, we are not automatically free from the past. When the fresh and new comes, there is opportunity to be free. But we must give the Word of God an exalted place in our lives. We must face the truth as it is revealed to us in His Word, and then the truth will set us free as it is acted upon.

 

I want to encourage you to keep pressing on! Philippians 1:6 says that He who has begun a good work in you is able to bring it to completion. You will keep changing if you stay in God’s Word and keep looking to Jesus, who is the author and the finisher of your faith (see Hebrews 12:2). Now I am enjoying the kingdom living of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. And no matter what you’ve experienced in your past or how many problems you have, God will do a miracle for you! He will change you into the image of Jesus Christ and give you a new life worth living!

[Groovy]

I believe there are some things we go through that will always be an inner struggle. I have a friend who was sexually abused with his brothers at a foster home. He goes to group counseling every week. He is the only one with a normal relationship.

 

It's wonderful you found someone who cares so much after all you've been through. Rape is more common than people realize but it sounds like you've had your share more than what I can imagine. My advice is to get therapy once a week for maybe months, years or a lifetime if you need it. My friend also tried to get my girlfriend to go to the support group as they both were raped as children and she won't go. She isn't happy but she won't get the help she needs, hopefully you will.

 

I think it's also important the man your with knows that you are having flashbacks and anxiety over it. That will reassure him that it's not him and allow him to help you. Good luck!

[boshemia]

CPTSD = Chronic Post Traumatic Disorder.... For those who didn't know that.

 

People have come to accept that war veterans can develop it, day after day of watching over your shoulder, jumping at every sound, and being prepared to respond at the slightest bit of danger. Everyone's body is equipped with the flight or fight response, but after dealing with long periods of high stress the flight or fight response becomes an almost permanent state... that feeling that the normal person has after a near miss car accident takes up residence, and your body is constantly on alert.

 

It has just recently been discovered that it happens to more than just war veterans, it happens to crime victims, people involved in accidents, even people who have been diagnosed with fatal diseases. For some reason there are people who respond to stress without developing any major problems, and others who progress into PTSD.

 

If the problems aren't treated, and more stress builds up a person is at risk of developing Chronic PTSD.

 

***************************

 

I have Chronic PTSD as well, it was first misdiagnosed as ADHD, then as Bi-polar disorder. Since my sexual abuse dates back to my earliest memories as a child there was no way to distinguish between my "normal" behavior and the PTSD, because in a way I have always had it...

 

The most important thing I can stress about recovery is that you CANNOT do it alone. I wanted to deal with it on my own, I thought I had it under control but as the PTSD got worse I felt like I was going insane. The slightest noise made me jump right out of my skin, I couldn't sleep at night, I wouldn't leave the house. When my husband touched me all I felt was dirty, unclean, used...

 

"I have always been strong and before I met my current husband I basicly took care of myself."

 

I've been in therapy for a year now, and for the first time in my life I actually feel normal (whatever that means lol) I still have an exaggerated startle response, friends and family have learned not to approach me from behind, and never ever to sneak up on me. My husband has had to learn how to approach me without triggering flashbacks, and not to pressure me for sex.

 

As much as the people around me have had to learn, the person who had to do the most changing was me. I had to learn to talk about it, all along I thought I was talking about it but all I was doing was reporting it as fact. I never told anyone the details, never told anyone how it made me feel, never even really told myself those things.

 

Talking about it not only helps you heal, but helps your husband understand more about what is going on inside of you. You said you have been strong, and that is exactly what I always prided myself on. I was strong, and there was nothing about it I could not handle. I had to learn how to ask for help, and that was the hardest thing.

 

Therapy has been a god send for me, and I do recommend it... however if you just can't get into therapy just now do seek help. Good luck, and God Bless dear.

 

More info about PTSD

http://www.actabuse.com/RTS.html

 

A site with more information for both you and your husband,

http://www.pandys.org/escapinghades/ptsd.html

 

For your husband pay special attention to

http://www.pandys.org/escapinghades/relationships.html

 

and a personal invitation to the stop rape forums, you'll find me there as well as a strong sisterhood, your husband is welcome as well. We have a few spouses who participate in discussions. It's a good place to ask questions and get responses from people who have been where you are.

 

http://stoprape.proboards79.com/