Left before the altar.

[psandqs]

Three weeks from now, I had been planning on eloping with the love of my life. On Tuesday, she left to run some quick errands, returned home, left me, and began immediately shacking up in a hotel with another man.

 

This was not a surprise. You see, five years ago, when I met her, she was just 18. I did not know this when we met, namely because I never asked. I found out when she showed me her ID at some point during the first few weeks. The problem is that I am ten years her senior. She lived more than 6 hours from me, so whatever possibility we had at maintaining a relationship was already complicated. The age, and more importantly the experience, gap just slimmed the chances even further.

 

I knew the odds and decided to give the relationship a chance. In fact, I told her precisely how I felt about it: she needed to grow up and I would not stand in her way, no matter how much I loved her. I knew that some day, she'd look back and have her doubts or regrets. I didn't know when it would happen, but I suspected it would be when she found people her age to hang out with. For better or for worse, that didn't happen for five years.

 

She went from high school to a serious relationship with me in less than six months. She spent a lot of the past five years growing up, but despite my staying out of her way as much as I could, I was always her safety net. As time progressed, she grew to be a strong, independent woman. It wasn't all warm and fuzzy, but the end result was that we got engaged just after our five year anniversary.

 

At the same time, a young man a couple of years younger than her was hired at her company. They became fast friends and it was obvious there was a connection here. She was very awkward about their friendship, so much so that despite knowing full well that she was hurting me, she invested more and more time into her relationship with him.

 

This past Saturday, we finalized our plans to elope at dinner with my parents. She was clearly shaken by the whole night given that we had been having difficulties with regard to this young man, but what happened next actually surprised me: she gave the ring back.

 

Devastated, I went into problem solving mode, but she had already locked me out of the decision making progress. She wasn't going to change her relationship with him no matter what I said. Three days later, after we had made up and renewed our commitment to the wedding plans we had made, she kissed me, hugged me, and went out to run some quick errands. Thirty minutes later, she came back, gave me her ring, and began shacking up in a hotel with this young man.

 

When she left me, she told me it was because she needed to know that she could live without the safety net she saw me as. While there is probably some degree of truth in her statements, I knew she was staying with him. He was her new safety net, even if it was temporary.

 

In response to her actions, I started to plan my life without her. I packed all of her belongings, began the process of separating us fiscally, and reached out to close friends and family for support. Since the first night, when I was still raw and angry, I've become a very different person with a very different outlook on my life. Despite the initial sting, the loneliness, and the missing her, I've come to some great conclusions about myself.

 

The first day she called a couple times. She came over to pick up all of her belongings, but when she arrived she was ruthless, distant, standoffish, and refused to take all of her things or sign the necessary paperwork to separate us. Her excuse that night was she had plans and couldn't be bothered. She spent an hour doing nothing but defending her actions. It was hard to swallow, but I let her go without a struggle.

 

The next morning she called me. There was a glimmer of humanity in her voice. This time, she asked me if she could come over to talk. It was a good sign that she was making progress in whatever she was going though, but I didn't hold out any hope. I presumed it was going to be a meaningless defense of her actions, but she surprised me. She admitted to her indiscretions, though not the full monty. I was in a terrific mood and the weight of her decisions was obviously just starting to sink in. Once again, she refused to sign the paperwork or take her belongings. When she left, she beamed a big smile to me and asked if we could go out the next night.

 

The next morning, she called, but was once again distant. I presume she called whilst the other man was present given her timing, but she was suddenly noncommittal about the date she had asked me on. A few hours later, she called to cancel, then didn't call me again until this morning.

 

This morning, she sent me a text message saying something along the lines of "Every morning I wake up and miss you terribly." It made me very happy, but I didn't get my hopes up. She called fifteen minutes later to let me know she had dinner plans before she came over, but she didn't know when she'd be done. She also wanted to let me know she found a place to stay for free house sitting for a colleague, so she'd have to leave relatively early.

 

We texted amicably, even lovingly, a few times back and forth during the day. She arrived at 8:15 pm and immediately told me she had to leave by 10:00 pm. She was more human than she had been for months, more up front, and confessed more of her indiscretions. She was shy of brutally honest with me, but it was a great hour and a half. She told me that she was not in love with the new man, that he is not making her happy, that she's still very much in love with me, and that she wanted to know if there was any way I could ever forgive her. Furthermore, she told me she wanted to know if there would be any way for us to work through this situation as a couple. In response, I told her that it was possible, but that it would take time, effort, and compromise. I also told her that if she decides she wants to be with me, the wedding is off for some unknown period of time and that I expect to be wooed by a suitor, not fallen onto like a saftey net. She responded positively to everything. She was beaming smiles the whole time, even when we were both crying.

 

By the time she left, she told me she would make a decision on what she was doing this week. She asked me out on a longer date this Monday, told me it would be much longer, and much more like a date. She asked me to call her, something I have not done since she left. She asked me to text her more. She told me that no matter what she's doing that she wants to hear from me.

 

She has the option of staying somewhere rent free for as long as she needs. She has a full time job at which she is very talented and is a rising star. She has a new group of friends that are giving her the support she needs. What I'm trying to get at is that she doesn't need to come back. She'll do fine or better if she chooses to live without me. In fact, we both will.

 

Despite all that has happened, I am deeply in love with her still. As more and more of her indiscretions are revealed, I find myself less angry, more happy that she's told more of the truth, but I am still hurt. It's not like I'm thrilled she's having this relationship with another man - that hurts, but not as much as I thought it would the first night. She's young, I was only her second boyfriend. At her age, I was in love with one woman and sleeping with the other. (In my case, both women rightfully kicked me out of their lives.)

 

My family has been involved, but they are biased. Her family is involved, but is strangely biased in support of me. They've all been very supportive, though I haven't coughed up the intimate details of her new relationship. They all want things to work out and have committed to forgiving her if we ended up together. We all know the chances are slim she'll come back and even slimmer that she'll be committed to the changes necessary to make a new relationship work, but they've been the ones telling me not to close the doors. My initial reaction was to immediately give up.

 

In fact, my mother, of all people, has been my relationships' biggest supporter throughout this ordeal. She told me the story of her pre-wedding jitters, how she left my father without so much as a peep, traveled cross country, and lived like a college coed for a few weeks, including intimate relationships with men, before she came back to him. She told me that getting married so young, she was 18 at the time and 19 when they actually got married, is difficult and borders on irresponsible sometimes. She did not believe we were being irresponsible, but now it was clear that my love was not quite ready.

 

I've spent every night alone since she left and at this point feel the need to type this all out to a bunch of people who don't know me, but who might have some valuable thoughts about all of this. Am I nuts for still being in love with her? Am I stupid for turning the other cheek? Is rekindling the relationship possible? I don't have my hopes up, but it should be evident to anyone who reads this that I want nothing more than for this to work out for us in the long run.

 

Thanks for reading the sordid details of how I was left before the altar even appeared. Thanks for any advice or support you care to share.

[stillafool]

Wow it seems you have been through a lot with this girl. I think she has definitely used you for her safety net (someone she has waiting for her in the wings) and I don't think that is fair. My advice would be to go completely "no contact" with her now. I know it's hard when you love someone but her behavior is not going to change. You should start seeing other people and time will take over after that.

[psandqs]

I think she has definitely used you for her safety net (someone she has waiting for her in the wings) and I don't think that is fair.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that I have been a safety net and that this is not fair in any way. I'm under no illusions about her behavior since we've been engaged, or since we met, for that matter.

 

My advice would be to go completely "no contact" with her now.

I am in reply only mode. I am not ignoring her because I am not as angry as one might expect. I had lots of warnings, lots of time to be frustrated and angry, and lots of times I was able to release such anger. Now that it's happened, I'm just moving on.

 

I know it's hard when you love someone but her behavior is not going to change.

That's what I'm afraid of. In fact, I've said to her in no uncertain terms that even if she should choose to try to make things work with me again, it will be a long process of demonstrating our intentions. Change is hard, especially in regards to matters of the heart.

 

You should start seeing other people and time will take over after that.

I have no interest in dating her or other people right now. Sure, I want to be with her again some day, if it's possible and she puts the effort forth, but right now, I am exorcising some demons, focusing entirely on myself, and picking up the pieces from a bad few months. I do wish there was a place I could go socialize with strangers that were supportive of my current state of mind, but I'm settling for virtual socialization. The last thing I want is romance or sex.

[LaughMachine]

I've read the first 6 paragraphs and decided to skim through the rest. Sorry if I' mention something that I'm not really too sure of.

 

I'm sure she loves you. But I think she is afraid of the unknown. She is sstringing both of you men along in fear of losing TWO men rather than one. I'm sure she isn't intentionally trying to hurt you. But she is young and she was most defiently young when she met you.

 

As she was growing up and maturing in to a young adult, you were growing more and ready for alot more than she was. Being at a young age doesn't take just the phrase " grow up " to actually grow up. It takes time and experience. She is about say 25 now?

 

She still is young compared to you and only you know better from personal experience. It might not even be about the age factor but just about change.

 

I'm sorry your hurting but your best bet is to let it be, and let the rough patch subside. If she doesn't end up in your life than this is your time to heal and move on ..

[Walk]

I seriously think she's stringing you along. She cares for you, but not "in love" with you anymore. I think she needs to know you still want her and that you're waiting for her because she's scared of being alone.

 

I think the calls will dwindle off. The "dates" will become less frequent. She'll move on... Until the new man leaves her, then she'll call you again... she'll stay with you for a while. Then she'll line up another, she'll leave again... and you'll go through the whole process of hurt again.

 

Thats how I see it happening.

[lindya]

I am exorcising some demons, focusing entirely on myself, and picking up the pieces from a bad few months. I do wish there was a place I could go socialize with strangers that were supportive of my current state of mind, but I'm settling for virtual socialization. The last thing I want is romance or sex.

 

 

You said that you learned some positive things about yourself during all this mess. Do you want to say a bit more about that?

[psandqs]

You said that you learned some positive things about yourself during all this mess. Do you want to say a bit more about that?

 

Sure, I just didn't think anyone would be interested for the most part. Here are the lessons I've learned, both the positive and the negative ones:

 

The first thing I learned during this process is that I have emotions and they are worth expressing. Don't take that to mean that I acted emotionless prior to this discovery, but I was a lot more guarded with my feelings. For example, I didn't tell anyone I was close with things were getting bad for us. I went on acting like everything was ok.

 

Which lead to my second significant discovery: telling people things were not ok yielded support and love from people I did not expect it from. I was sure my mother would have been angry, my employers would have been pissed, and that my friends would not care. My mother lead the charge that kept me from erasing her from my life whilst I was at my angriest. My employers gave me time off to sort through this. Lastly, I have many more friends than I had counted on.

 

In addition to the above, I learned that I really do hate eating out. Left to my own devices, I'll eat fruit and yogurt, not hamburgs and chocolate. I don't like soda, though I had been consuming more than 2L of diet soda a day for months. I don't like sitting in front of my computer. I love to be out, whether or not I'm socializing. I get a huge rush from exercising. I really do hate television. I'm not as big a fan of movies as I had once believed. I like to shower every day, it makes me feel good. I like to shave. I like to keep my head shaved. I like to cook. I don't really enjoy all of the websites I read every day.

 

One of the hardest things that I learned is that I really am alone. My family had previous plans to be in another state for a family event - one we were both invited to. Sure, they'd have canceled their plans if I had asked, but I needed to know what it's like to be completely alone most of the day and all of the night. It turns out, I'm not a hermit, I do like being out, and left to my own devices, I keep very busy.

 

I like to make lists because I tend to forget things. I like to write. I don't like all of the things I have gathered over the years. I don't travel enough. I don't like where I live.

 

These may seem like tiny little events to some people, but in the more than thirty years of my life, I didn't know these things about myself. I'm not obtuse, I just allowed myself to be consumed by the thoughts and desires of others. I don't mean the woman I love, I mean by everyone, especially my family.

 

I learned that I really do love and care for this woman without whom I'm thriving every day. I had wondered if I loved her because she was so beautiful, but I learned that absent all of the experiences we've had and emotions I have for her, she's just another woman. If she were to finalize her decision to leave, I'd continue to be who I am. I don't depend on her, I just want to share my life with her. I would rather we were equals; safety nets for each other in some sense.

 

Any of these lessons I've learned apply to my past and my future. I'll take them with me no matter what happens. Above all, though, I learned that this is not my fault. I am not the bad man. I haven't done anything to deserve this. Karma is not paying me back for shadows in my closet.

[psandqs]

I seriously think she's stringing you along.

A not insignificant part of me believes this. Immediately after she left she told me in no uncertain terms: she is not in love with me and that she doesn't foresee our relationship working out. Three days ago, she told me she was still in love with me, but she needed time to figure things out on her own. Last night, she repeatedly told me she was in love with me and that she wanted to be with me. Furthermore, she put a time limit on all of this. She will have made whatever decision she is going to make by next Sunday. She told me, before I had a chance to respond, that she knew that if she chose to not be with me that it would likely be the last time I spoke with her for a very long time.

 

I'm giving up on Sunday if she fails to make a decision.

 

she's scared of being alone.

From where I sit, this part is exceedingly obvious.

 

I think the calls will dwindle off. The "dates" will become less frequent. She'll move on... Until the new man leaves her, then she'll call you again... she'll stay with you for a while. Then she'll line up another, she'll leave again... and you'll go through the whole process of hurt again.

I'm leaving the state in a little over four weeks. I'm not coming back for a few months, and then I'm leaving again two weeks later permanently. If she should choose to stay apart from me until after I leave, she'll find a cold trail where she thought she'd find a safety net. I need to move on with my life. I'm not going to do that here.

[lindya]

These may seem like tiny little events to some people, but in the more than thirty years of my life, I didn't know these things about myself. I'm not obtuse, I just allowed myself to be consumed by the thoughts and desires of others. I don't mean the woman I love, I mean by everyone, especially my family.

 

People do tend to define themselves greatly by the relationships they have with other people. Take away an important long term relationship from someone, and it's almost inevitable that they'll have to start redefining who they really are.

[bridget_jones]

She doesn't love you. She's freaking living with another guy and she wants you to call her and text her? Sounds pretty narcisstic to me, and encouraging you to not meet someone else.

 

Look...she's a slut. she's cheated on you many, many times, you said that she had all these "indiscretions" and such she admitted to you. You want to marry THAT? Or have anything to do with her, for that matter? It's not immaturity, she's just a slut.

 

If it looks like a slut, acts like a slut, talks like a slut, and walks like a slut....it's a slut.

If you want to marry a slut, go ahead.

[psandqs]

She doesn't love you.

 

This is very possibly true.

 

She's freaking living with another guy

No, she stayed in a hotel room with another guy four nights after she left me. She's house sitting for friends of ours now.

 

and she wants you to call her and text her? Sounds pretty narcisstic to me

That's true. She is, in fact, very narcissistic.

 

and encouraging you to not meet someone else

I have no interest in meeting someone else. This all happened less than a week ago. Wounds are still open.

 

Look...she's a slut. she's cheated on you many, many times, you said that she had all these "indiscretions" and such she admitted to you.

The indiscretions she admitted were that she was staying with him in a hotel. She's admitted to having an intimate relationship, though I know very few details beyond the fact that they kissed. I'm not sure I want to know, but I presume they've had sex. This is the only affair she has had.

 

You want to marry THAT?

I don't know, honestly. I don't stop loving someone overnight, that's why whatever happens, it will be a long, slow process. I am capable of forgiveness.

 

If you want to marry a slut, go ahead.

Not very helpful.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope you will take the "moving away and moving on" option. You will have dodged a huge bullet by ridding your life of this woman.

[Guest]

I've been in a place where your fiancee is. The truth is I'm in a very same freaking place as she is right now. Two words: DUMP HER. don't let her come back, it will only hurt her on a long run. She hasn't seen enough of life and even of she stays she will always feel like there something she hasn't accomplished in life, feel like she's a freak who never even had fun filled college life witha lot of guys to chose from, she probably feels like life is unfair for throwing her into a relationship so early. Then if she leaves again (i should say WHEN she leaves you again, beacause it will surely happen) she will feel like you're the one for her and try to come back. Don't let her do it. It's an unending circle and she can't stop it as long as you welcome her back, you're the only one who can end this, believe me. You sound like a great guy, you need someone who will love you and feel like marrying you is a the greatest step in life they have taken and not a total trap.