Question about N/C Caliguy??

[frd150]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114468/

 

Ok so here it goes...

 

Caliguy,

 

I know that you are a big proponent of N/C but is this your opinion in all cases?

 

Currently we ar in L/C mode. We talk almost daily but we both agreed to do our own thing for a while. ( No hanging out). Problem is i/ we became bad at communicating our desires in the relationship. We became so busy outside the relationship that complacency became a problem. we both know that we love each other very much but needed time apart to re-prioritize. It took me longer than her to realize it.

 

I am told by mutual friends that if i just cut her off N/C that we would drift further apart. Since we have been apart our conversations are great and happen daily. Just like the period before things went bad. This morning was no exception. I was woken up by her and a conversation that went on for 45 mins. She went off to work and i went about my day.

 

Tonight i hung out with a couple of mates and she i assume did the same. I do not think i am a position to blow up her cell to give her the third degree. (Even though i wanted to). I mean are there rules to this stuff?

 

We agreed on a couple of months. I fear that N/C will be a detrement.

 

I am hopeful for the best but i am preparing myself for the worse.

[CaliGuy]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114468/

 

Ok so here it goes...

 

Caliguy,

 

I know that you are a big proponent of N/C but is this your opinion in all cases?

 

Currently we ar in L/C mode. We talk almost daily but we both agreed to do our own thing for a while. ( No hanging out). Problem is i/ we became bad at communicating our desires in the relationship. We became so busy outside the relationship that complacency became a problem. we both know that we love each other very much but needed time apart to re-prioritize. It took me longer than her to realize it.

 

I am told by mutual friends that if i just cut her off N/C that we would drift further apart. Since we have been apart our conversations are great and happen daily. Just like the period before things went bad. This morning was no exception. I was woken up by her and a conversation that went on for 45 mins. She went off to work and i went about my day.

 

Tonight i hung out with a couple of mates and she i assume did the same. I do not think i am a position to blow up her cell to give her the third degree. (Even though i wanted to). I mean are there rules to this stuff?

 

We agreed on a couple of months. I fear that N/C will be a detrement.

 

I am hopeful for the best but i am preparing myself for the worse.

 

Well, since you are not letting her taste what life is like without you, she's not really going to miss you much, is she?

 

I figure you can do one of two things:

 

1. Write everything out in a letter. You can explain the way you perceived things to be and why they ended up that way and what you learned.

2. You could go N/C for a few months.

 

The good part is, she says she still loves you, right? She talks to you, wants to hang out but isn't ready to jump back into the relationship. What is she doing? Is she working on fixing herself or is she hanging on to you until she finds someone better?

 

The issue here is basically self respect. If you want her to respect you, you have to respect yourself first. If you want her to love you, you have to love who you are first.

 

I think if you continue LC right now you're not going to get anywhere. And so far, you haven't. Granted it's been only a few weeks but you can start to make yourself unavailable.

 

Don't take every call. Respond to her every 2-3 calls. You have a life right?

Don't respond to every email.

Don't reply to every text.

 

It sounds like a game but I don't see it that way. She will never ever appreciate you unless you go away. It's the old adage "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be."

 

Don't be that lap dog waiting around for a crumb of her attention. She broke it off, now why does she get to have her cake and eat it too? She's getting her emotional needs fed (talking to you when she chooses) while yours are not being met. That's selfish and unfair.

 

Do whatever you feel you need to do. That's my advice. You have a couple of options. Just don't come off like a poor, helpless sap. Be confident in who you are. Do not be a jerk in the process.

 

Let her miss you so that she has time to reflect and appreciate what you two had. If she doesn't then at least you didn't waste your time waiting around for her.

 

Get a life. Get to the gym, hang out with friends, find some new hobbies and work on self-improvement. You know what went wrong, make sure you don't let the same thing happen again. With her or someone else.

[frd150]

CaliGuy;1133877]Well, since you are not letting her taste what life is like without you, she's not really going to miss you much, is she?

 

Your right. i have been pretty for the last few days but turned it up since thursday.

 

I figure you can do one of two things:

 

1. Write everything out in a letter. You can explain the way you perceived things to be and why they ended up that way and what you learned.

2. You could go N/C for a few months

.

 

I have thought about a letter and have even written down a few thoughts. IYO would this be a risk, i mean actually giving it to her. I have never done this before infact i don't even know how to begin. I do not want to sound pitifull to her.

 

 

 

The good part is, she says she still loves you, right? She talks to you, wants to hang out but isn't ready to jump back into the relationship. What is she doing? Is she working on fixing herself or is she hanging on to you until she finds someone better?

She does still say it at random times. She talks to me when she could just easily avoid me or not call at all. She and i have discussed what she is doing. She is going to finish her degree, exercise,spend time with family members etc. She has however taken on a busier work load. from what i gather helps her keep her mind off of things. I have encoureged her in all of this even work if it makes her feel better.

 

 

The issue here is basically self respect. If you want her to respect you, you have to respect yourself first. If you want her to love you, you have to love who you are first.

I am working on this but this whole thing has crushed every part of me. But i know if i can live without her then i can live better with her. I keep telling myself this every hour of every day.

 

 

 

I think if you continue LC right now you're not going to get anywhere. And so far, you haven't. Granted it's been only a few weeks but you can start to make yourself unavailable.

 

Don't take every call. Respond to her every 2-3 calls. You have a life right?

Don't respond to every email.

Don't reply to every text.

Everyone says this but can it mis-construed on her end as me not being interested in working on the relationship?

 

 

It sounds like a game but I don't see it that way. She will never ever appreciate you unless you go away. It's the old adage "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be."

Everyone keeps telling me this. Especially the ones that know us the best and want to see us back together.

 

Don't be that lap dog waiting around for a crumb of her attention. She broke it off, now why does she get to have her cake and eat it too? She's getting her emotional needs fed (talking to you when she chooses) while yours are not being met. That's selfish and unfair.

 

Right you are but since she broke it off does that not put the ball in her court, i mean this is what hurt us in the first place. Lack of communication.

 

 

Do whatever you feel you need to do. That's my advice. You have a couple of options. Just don't come off like a poor, helpless sap. Be confident in who you are. Do not be a jerk in the process.

 

Let her miss you so that she has time to reflect and appreciate what you two had. If she doesn't then at least you didn't waste your time waiting around for her.

 

hopefully she will reflect on the good times and not what caused the break. Actually this has been bothering me today. We shared lots of amazing things together.

 

Get a life. Get to the gym, hang out with friends, find some new hobbies and work on self-improvement. You know what went wrong, make sure you don't let the same thing happen again. With her or someone else

 

I want her to know that i know where i went wrong but i do not know when or how i am going to do this. i had tried to bring it up in the begining but she did not want to go over it. Since then i have made strides to fix things that needed to be fixed. Family,me,work. We have discussed theese things and it was almost like ech time something was triggered in her that caused her to reveal how those things had bothered her. Along with this came some firm encouragement from her end.

 

A couple of others here on ls have given me some pretty good advice and encouragement, but it is helpful to hear some other opinions. As they say "there is more than one way to skin a cat"

 

Thanks in advance for your reply.

[frd150]

btw

 

I just finished a book by Gary chapman called the five launguages of love. It deals with what is most important to you and your s/o in the relationship.

I.E.

quality time

words of affirmation

Gifts

Acts of service

physical touch.

 

It was big i opener for me. Quality time really hit home.

 

I really think she ought to read this but i do not want to creep her out by giving it to her. I think it would help us to understand each other better.

 

Any suggestions?

[CaliGuy]

Your right. i have been pretty for the last few days but turned it up since thursday.

 

Take less calls.

Be distant, not so available.

 

Heck, if you're up to it, go out on dates. Why should your life stop because she decided she wanted out of the relationship?

 

I've thought about a letter and have even written down a few thoughts. IYO would this be a risk, i mean actually giving it to her. I have never done this before infact i don't even know how to begin. I do not want to sound pitifull to her.

 

PM me the letter. I'll let you know if it sounds like you're pitiful.

 

She does still say it at random times. She talks to me when she could just easily avoid me or not call at all. She and i have discussed what she is doing. She is going to finish her degree, exercise,spend time with family members etc. She has however taken on a busier work load. from what i gather helps her keep her mind off of things. I have encoureged her in all of this even work if it makes her feel better.

 

You should be doing the same. Be busy. Focus on work, friends, hobbies, working out, etc. In other words, get a life!

 

I am working on this but this whole thing has crushed every part of me. But i know if i can live without her then i can live better with her. I keep telling myself this every hour of every day.

 

As long you know you can live without her, then start doing it. I understand where you are, because I have been there too. But never, ever make someone the reason you live. Let them spice up your life but don't let them be the center of it. For if you do, that will certainly push them away. FInd happiness and validation within (And from God) and not from someone else. It's too much pressure on someone else for you to depend on them for your happiness.

 

 

Everyone says this but can it mis-construed on her end as me not being interested in working on the relationship?

 

Look at it this way, you've shown you want to work on the relationship and she hasn't budged. Doing what you're doing now isn't forcing her off the fence or into action. Maybe disappearing out of her life so she can see what she is missing might change her heart. Who knows?

 

Everyone keeps telling me this. Especially the ones that know us the best and want to see us back together.

 

You should be listening to them.

 

Right you are but since she broke it off does that not put the ball in her court, i mean this is what hurt us in the first place. Lack of communication.

 

On both parts. Not just yours or hers.

 

hopefully she will reflect on the good times and not what caused the break. Actually this has been bothering me today. We shared lots of amazing things together.

 

She'll me more likely to think about the good times if you're not always talking to her (and consequently asking about the relationship) and reminding her of why you broke up. Give her space and let her come to whatever conclusion she comes to on her own. In the meantime, your life is moving forward whether you like it or not. Don't live life staring at the rear view mirror or you'll miss out on everything.

 

And living in the past and regrets, that's wasting emotional energy on things you can not change. What has happened is done and over with. LEARN from the past but don't dwell on it. Make it your personal goals to improve the areas of your life and personality that need it. That is how you set yourself up for success. Either with her or someone else.

 

I want her to know that i know where i went wrong but i do not know when or how i am going to do this. i had tried to bring it up in the begining but she did not want to go over it. Since then i have made strides to fix things that needed to be fixed. Family,me,work. We have discussed theese things and it was almost like ech time something was triggered in her that caused her to reveal how those things had bothered her. Along with this came some firm encouragement from her end.

 

Then if you feel you need to let her know, write the letter. But don't send it. Send me a copy and let me read it. I'll review it for you and offer some suggestions on how to word it.

 

A couple of others here on ls have given me some pretty good advice and encouragement, but it is helpful to hear some other opinions. As they say "there is more than one way to skin a cat"

 

Yep. Also another one for you: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." This woman may not be the one that was meant for you and it's something you need to seriously consider. Above all, LEARN from what has happened.

 

Thanks in advance for your reply.

 

You're welcome.

[CaliGuy]

btw

 

I just finished a book by Gary chapman called the five launguages of love. It deals with what is most important to you and your s/o in the relationship.

I.E.

quality time

words of affirmation

Gifts

Acts of service

physical touch.

 

It was big i opener for me. Quality time really hit home.

 

I really think she ought to read this but i do not want to creep her out by giving it to her. I think it would help us to understand each other better.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I don't buy into books that pidgeon hole people into on personality type. I've dated women who like only a few of the above mentioned things. I've met some that like all.

 

People are just too complex to be labeled so easily into one specific group. Your ex is how she is. She may never change. And seriously, don't bank on it.

 

The only thing you have control over is YOU. Focus on you and not her.

[frd150]

Take less calls.

Be distant, not so available.

 

Heck, if you're up to it, go out on dates. Why should your life stop because she decided she wanted out of the relationship?

Until last night we had not talked since friday. She asked me what i did over the weekend and since i was quite busy it was easy for me to have things to talk about. I had asked her the about hers and found out that she had gone to a dinner event with a girl from work. This girl i feel is dangerous. Since i have known about her she has not been in a relationship she just seems to want to party(if you know what i mean). This girl brought my "ex" along because the guy she was meeting with had a friend and so my "ex" was sort of a wingman. She said it was nt that exciting so her and her friend left. This friend of hers was always trying to get her to go places with her for this same reason.

 

I was p**sed when we hung up. More anger and a little sadness.

I need to remember that we are on a "break" so i cannot sit their and question everything she does or is doing As she has no right to do it to me.

 

 

 

 

PM me the letter. I'll let you know if it sounds like you're pitiful.

 

I have a lot of thougts that i have to get organized. I do not want to sound like babbling idion. I am going to start. I am told it is a good release.

 

 

 

You should be doing the same. Be busy. Focus on work, friends, hobbies, working out, etc. In other words, get a life!

 

 

Going to shop for a new dirt bike today. My friends have been after me to get back into it.

 

Maybe i should use a little of the ring money:D

 

As long you know you can live without her, then start doing it. I understand where you are, because I have been there too. But never, ever make someone the reason you live. Let them spice up your life but don't let them be the center of it. For if you do, that will certainly push them away. FInd happiness and validation within (And from God) and not from someone else. It's too much pressure on someone else for you to depend on them for your happiness.

 

I keep teling myself that if we cannot be happy by ourselves then how can we be happy if we get back together.

 

 

Look at it this way, you've shown you want to work on the relationship and she hasn't budged. Doing what you're doing now isn't forcing her off the fence or into action. Maybe disappearing out of her life so she can see what she is missing might change her heart. Who knows?

 

I am working on this but it is hard.

 

You should be listening to them.

 

 

 

On both parts. Not just yours or hers.

 

 

 

She'll me more likely to think about the good times if you're not always talking to her (and consequently asking about the relationship) and reminding her of why you broke up. Give her space and let her come to whatever conclusion she comes to on her own. In the meantime, your life is moving forward whether you like it or not. Don't live life staring at the rear view mirror or you'll miss out on everything

.

 

I have stayed away from asking her about the relationship for a long time now. I have avoided seeing her for the last three weeks.

 

And living in the past and regrets, that's wasting emotional energy on things you can not change. What has happened is done and over with. LEARN from the past but don't dwell on it. Make it your personal goals to improve the areas of your life and personality that need it. That is how you set yourself up for success. Either with her or someone else.

 

 

Right you are. just need to keep telling myself this.

 

Then if you feel you need to let her know, write the letter. But don't send it. Send me a copy and let me read it. I'll review it for you and offer some suggestions on how to word it.

i will start.

 

Yep. Also another one for you: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." This woman may not be the one that was meant for you and it's something you need to seriously consider. Above all, LEARN from what has happened.

I tell my friends that are in relationships to not take their s/o's for granted because they can be gon from your life in an instant.

 

You're welcome.

[frd150]

Hey Caliguy,

 

I have started to put my thoughts down at random in sort of a journal. I am hoping i could gather these thoughts together to form a letter that makes sence.

 

The process is very theraputic.

[frd150]

This is a question for anyone.

 

I have been wondering about the friend in post # 7. Now before i ask this keep in mind that we aboth in our mid and late twenties.

 

How much influence does a person like the girl i described in post #7 have on someone in my gf's situation. As long as we were together and even before i have known my gf to be a self thinker with a strong set of morals. I have always respected this but i think this "friend" just sees an opportunity for a new vulnurable playmate to corrupt. I could only imagine the advice she is giving her and she does not even know me.

 

Am i worrying about this too much? Is this an external factor that i should consider meaningless?

[CaliGuy]

You are worrying too much, wasting emotional energy on things out of your control. You can't control your ex, who she hangs out with or what she does. The only thing you are in control of is yourself. Work on you, take the focus off her.

 

Letters are cathartic. Work on that, but don't send it. Be silent. Don't let her see you sweat. Silence speaks volumes. It makes her guess what you are up to (and all the possibilities) instead of opening your mouth and letting her know how miserable you are.

 

Got me?

[Trialbyfire]

You are worrying too much, wasting emotional energy on things out of your control. You can't control your ex, who she hangs out with or what she does. The only thing you are in control of is yourself. Work on you, take the focus off her.

 

Letters are cathartic. Work on that, but don't send it. Be silent. Don't let her see you sweat. Silence speaks volumes. It makes her guess what you are up to (and all the possibilities) instead of opening your mouth and letting her know how miserable you are.

 

Got me?

Okay. I have to speak up from the female perspective.

 

I agree that you can't control her. If you try, you will fail.

 

You've already admitted that you've always had bad communication in your relationship. Why would you compound it with silence? If your (you and your girl) bad communication helped to ruin an existing relationship, do you think that continuing with this type of behaviour will fix your problems?

 

Depending on her personality type, you may find that she will pull back, if she senses or believes (based on assumption of silence) that you are pulling back. After that, you might as well flush any hope of reconciliation down the toilet.

 

All I can say is that if you want her back, communicate clearly. This means both of you. No more silly games. Ugh...

[Am4Real]

I don't buy into books that pidgeon hole people into on personality type. I've dated women who like only a few of the above mentioned things. I've met some that like all.

 

People are just too complex to be labeled so easily into one specific group. Your ex is how she is. She may never change. And seriously, don't bank on it.

 

 

Amen to this...what a great observation!

[CaliGuy]

Okay. I have to speak up from the female perspective.

 

I agree that you can't control her. If you try, you will fail.

 

You've already admitted that you've always had bad communication in your relationship. Why would you compound it with silence? If your (you and your girl) bad communication helped to ruin an existing relationship, do you think that continuing with this type of behaviour will fix your problems?

 

I believe that in order for someone to miss you and have a change of heart you need to be out of their life for some time. It's the old adage "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not it was never meant to be."

 

Also remember, when someone is pulling away from you, the more you try and bring them back the more they feel "caged" into the relationship and the more they will pull away.

 

This isn't about a lack of communication. This is more or less about the fact that she needs time and space away from him to gather her thoughts. The more he tries to convince her to come back the more she will pull away. You can't force someone to love you. Love does not understand or respond to logic.

 

The communication issues can and should be addressed if they both want to try again. Trying to fix the problem now is akin to trying to fix a flat tire on a car you don't even posses. How on earth can you fix a relationship problem between two people who aren't in a relationship? They both have to work on that when/if they decide to reconcile.

 

Depending on her personality type, you may find that she will pull back, if she senses or believes (based on assumption of silence) that you are pulling back. After that, you might as well flush any hope of reconciliation down the toilet.

 

Possibly. I also believe it's counter productive to try and keep a steady line of communication open with someone who just wants their space. How are they going to miss you if you never go away?

 

All I can say is that if you want her back, communicate clearly. This means both of you. No more silly games. Ugh...

 

It's not a game. NC allows him time to heal and think clearly. That's the priority. He can't control her and any efforts he makes to convince her to come back will not fruitful unless she is the one who's heart has changed. And only time away from him can do that, if ever.

 

It's more of a game to me, IMHO, to try and manipulate someone back into your life who doesn't want to be there.

[Trialbyfire]

If he believes that NC is a time of self-strengthening, then it makes sense. It's a time to get your own head clear so that you can get on with life without her. If you go NC, you should both consider that it's over. If one party happens to come back in the future, your head will be clear enough to make a logical decision.

 

She has asked for time but continues to talk to him daily. This tells me that she doesn't want as much space as originally suggested. If she wanted the space, she would have shut him down. She was neglected. He's now spending time with her. If he goes NC, she might walk. That's the risk of NC and a gamble he needs to be willing to take knowingly.

[Guest]

If he believes that NC is a time of self-strengthening, then it makes sense. It's a time to get your own head clear so that you can get on with life without her. If you go NC, you should both consider that it's over. If one party happens to come back in the future, your head will be clear enough to make a logical decision.

 

She has asked for time but continues to talk to him daily. This tells me that she doesn't want as much space as originally suggested. If she wanted the space, she would have shut him down. She was neglected. He's now spending time with her. If he goes NC, she might walk. That's the risk of NC and a gamble he needs to be willing to take knowingly.

 

Sorry, but I think you are wrong in thinking NC is some sort of gamble. You clearly go NC when you want to heal and for NO OTHER REASON. If the original poster is not ready to heal, does not want to heal, thinks he some sort of convincing powers or whatever else he is hoping for then he can clearly be talked OUT of NC.

 

Heal = NC

Imagination and dreams = Talk to them daily

 

It's that simple!

[thecount]

I'm torn about this whole NC thing. In one hand, if You think that it's really over and you dont want the other person back. then NC is the way to go, because it will be a faster healing process.

[krzr]

or u could hang around and be there punching bag...no contact helps make a clean cut of the break up otherwise it will just keep getting worse and worse so if there were a second chance down the road its better to have a clean cut dont u think? not only that but it helps u heal and dosnt allow the dumper to play games with the dumpee because they are at a raised emotional state.

[chryssy83]

I am back with my bf after a break-up and things are good. I used N/C kind of...made him call me. I dated and he knew, eventually he asked to have me back. I made him wait a couple weeks to be sure, but now we're good.

 

I just wanted to say people shouldn't discount the love languages thing. It has really helped us over the past several years. It's not pigeon-holing as much as looking at what is important to the other person and putting your efforts there to show love. I wouldn't give the ex the book though.

[krzr]

how long were u guys broken up?

[CaliGuy]

If he believes that NC is a time of self-strengthening, then it makes sense. It's a time to get your own head clear so that you can get on with life without her. If you go NC, you should both consider that it's over. If one party happens to come back in the future, your head will be clear enough to make a logical decision.

 

She has asked for time but continues to talk to him daily. This tells me that she doesn't want as much space as originally suggested. If she wanted the space, she would have shut him down. She was neglected. He's now spending time with her. If he goes NC, she might walk. That's the risk of NC and a gamble he needs to be willing to take knowingly.

 

 

That is why I suggested the letter. To say all of the things he wanted to say then LET GO. She has to come to the conclusion on her own, letter or not, that she wants to work on the relationship.

 

They both have communication issues, not just him. Too much contact with her right now with the way he is feeling could screw things up for the future.

 

I think one well thought out letter, then let it go and see what she does would suffice. She's causing him a lot of unnecessary confusion by continuing the contact but not make any steps towards reconcilliation.

[Trialbyfire]

That is why I suggested the letter. To say all of the things he wanted to say then LET GO. She has to come to the conclusion on her own, letter or not, that she wants to work on the relationship.

 

They both have communication issues, not just him. Too much contact with her right now with the way he is feeling could screw things up for the future.

 

I think one well thought out letter, then let it go and see what she does would suffice. She's causing him a lot of unnecessary confusion by continuing the contact but not make any steps towards reconcilliation.

Since I don't know what she's thinking right now, it concerns me to advise that he let go completely. As previously stated, she was neglected. Depending on her reasoning, she maybe testing the waters with their communication levels right now. I honestly don't know. I can't help thinking though that if she wants space, she wouldn't remain in contact with him.

[frd150]

Since I don't know what she's thinking right now, it concerns me to advise that he let go completely. As previously stated, she was neglected.

Depending on her reasoning, she maybe testing the waters with their communication levels right now. I honestly don't know. I can't help thinking though that if she wants space, she wouldn't remain in contact with him.

 

I have been asking myself the same thing. I have not asked to see her not even for a casual lunch or anything, but i am wondering at what point will she start to wonder about me not asking. Maybe she already is in her own mind. At first i would and she would go out of her way to meet up but i stopped as this was not giving her the space she asked for. I am not pushy. Is that what she is wanting? Am i supposed to fight for her? Is my casual demener being confused for the lack of caring? Going N/C really scares the s**t out of me. I did it with my last girl and it helped but i think this one is different.

 

I know that this is very simple for alot of you but from where i sit it is very complicated.

 

I am reading every reply sometimes twice and all of you are really helpful. It really helps, the advice i mean. Thanks for chiming in. It all helps.

[frd150]

I am back with my bf after a break-up and things are good. I used N/C kind of...made him call me. I dated and he knew, eventually he asked to have me back. I made him wait a couple weeks to be sure, but now we're good.

I just wanted to say people shouldn't discount the love languages thing. It has really helped us over the past several years. It's not pigeon-holing as much as looking at what is important to the other person and putting your efforts there to show love. I wouldn't give the ex the book though.

 

Hey Chryssy,

 

What side of the coin where you on in your situation?

 

I know some do not like the languages book and for the record i did mention quality time earlier and as i said it did hit home but there were also secondary things that i also related to. That one just seemed to stand out for obvious reasons.

 

How did you and your b/f discuss it was it mutual or did one of you bring it up? Just curious.

[Trialbyfire]

I have been asking myself the same thing. I have not asked to see her not even for a casual lunch or anything, but i am wondering at what point will she start to wonder about me not asking. Maybe she already is in her own mind. At first i would and she would go out of her way to meet up but i stopped as this was not giving her the space she asked for. I am not pushy. Is that what she is wanting? Am i supposed to fight for her? Is my casual demener being confused for the lack of caring? Going N/C really scares the s**t out of me. I did it with my last girl and it helped but i think this one is different.

 

I know that this is very simple for alot of you but from where i sit it is very complicated.

 

I am reading every reply sometimes twice and all of you are really helpful. It really helps, the advice i mean. Thanks for chiming in. It all helps.

No matter which direction you choose to take, there are no guarantees with your relationship. It's not easy for anyone to try to figure out what's on someone else's mind, especially a confused one.

 

Clear communication is always for the best in any relationship. If you push her to communicate or do NC, either way you are forcing something onto her and there maybe backlash. I do agree with Caliguy that you can't wait forever and have to look to yourself sometime but if you want her back, sometimes pride has to be set aside for awhile.

 

You know her best. In the past, how did she react to being driven in any direction? Did she prefer it or did she rebel?

[Ormolu611]

Clear communication is always for the best in any relationship. If you push her to communicate or do NC, either way you are forcing something onto her and there maybe backlash. I do agree with Caliguy that you can't wait forever and have to look to yourself sometime but if you want her back, sometimes pride has to be set aside for awhile.

 

You know her best. In the past, how did she react to being driven in any direction? Did she prefer it or did she rebel?

 

 

Okay, here is my experience and my take on the issue. Prior to my gf breaking up with me about a month ago, she did the same thing back in September of 2006. I spoke to her and communicated to her directly and clearly that I wanted to be with her, that I thought that the issues she had with the relationship were based on misunderstandings, and above all, that I loved her deeply. I did not plead per se, but she definitely knew that I was crushed. Well, she decided to stay, maybe out of guilt - and this is my point.

 

I think that this effort on my part backfired. I feel that when I spoke to her, she heard why I wanted to maintain the relationship. She heard that I was sad that it was ending. This is despite that fact that I told her that I loved her more than anyone else I had known. I think that she eventually felt real resentment that I did not let her go when she wanted to go, and that she was "trapped" by me in a relationship that she did not want to continue. Lets face it, when you are dumped and plead for your SO to reconsider, they are only hearing you outline what you want, ignoring what they want. I think that when you do not let a person go, they may stay for a while, but I think that this is likely the result of the pressure caused by the dumpee having a breakdown in front of the dumper. I think that the dumper oftentimes will only come to resent you for it which becomes yet another issue in the relationship. Probably the only exception is if the dumper dumps the dumpee for a very specific and correctable reason. (often not the case) She knows how I feel and that I love her - why tell her again and again when the relationship falters regardless?

 

I am respecting her decision and maintaining no contact whatsoever and trying to move on. I think that in cases such as this, the dumper needs to by given what they say they want - for the benefit of both of you.