Question about N/C Caliguy??

[CaliGuy]

Okay, here is my experience and my take on the issue. Prior to my gf breaking up with me about a month ago, she did the same thing back in September of 2006. I spoke to her and communicated to her directly and clearly that I wanted to be with her, that I thought that the issues she had with the relationship were based on misunderstandings, and above all, that I loved her deeply. I did not plead per se, but she definitely knew that I was crushed. Well, she decided to stay, maybe out of guilt - and this is my point.

 

I think that this effort on my part backfired. I feel that when I spoke to her, she heard why I wanted to maintain the relationship. She heard that I was sad that it was ending. This is despite that fact that I told her that I loved her more than anyone else I had known. I think that she eventually felt real resentment that I did not let her go when she wanted to go, and that she was "trapped" by me in a relationship that she did not want to continue. Lets face it, when you are dumped and plead for your SO to reconsider, they are only hearing you outline what you want, ignoring what they want. I think that when you do not let a person go, they may stay for a while, but I think that this is likely the result of the pressure caused by the dumpee having a breakdown in front of the dumper. I think that the dumper oftentimes will only come to resent you for it which becomes yet another issue in the relationship. Probably the only exception is if the dumper dumps the dumpee for a very specific and correctable reason. (often not the case) She knows how I feel and that I love her - why tell her again and again when the relationship falters regardless?

 

I am respecting her decision and maintaining no contact whatsoever and trying to move on. I think that in cases such as this, the dumper needs to by given what they say they want - for the benefit of both of you.

 

Good point. It's why I used the example of being "caged" in the relationship. If they feel pressure from their ex to stay in the relationship they are not free to love you, they are being forced. This doesn't create the kind of love that makes a relationship last.

 

It does end it though.

 

He needs to give her the freedom to love him or not. To not feel caged. No begging or pleading will ever work. Only by letting them be free to make a choice to leave or stay will true love ever be found.

 

This is why NC is excellent. It allows YOU time to heal, improve and figure out what you want to do (and consequently makes you stronger) while giving them a chance to miss you and make the decision to come back on their own, unabated back to you.

 

It's the only way a second chance can ever work.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, here is my experience and my take on the issue. Prior to my gf breaking up with me about a month ago, she did the same thing back in September of 2006. I spoke to her and communicated to her directly and clearly that I wanted to be with her, that I thought that the issues she had with the relationship were based on misunderstandings, and above all, that I loved her deeply. I did not plead per se, but she definitely knew that I was crushed. Well, she decided to stay, maybe out of guilt - and this is my point.

 

I think that this effort on my part backfired. I feel that when I spoke to her, she heard why I wanted to maintain the relationship. She heard that I was sad that it was ending. This is despite that fact that I told her that I loved her more than anyone else I had known. I think that she eventually felt real resentment that I did not let her go when she wanted to go, and that she was "trapped" by me in a relationship that she did not want to continue. Lets face it, when you are dumped and plead for your SO to reconsider, they are only hearing you outline what you want, ignoring what they want. I think that when you do not let a person go, they may stay for a while, but I think that this is likely the result of the pressure caused by the dumpee having a breakdown in front of the dumper. I think that the dumper oftentimes will only come to resent you for it which becomes yet another issue in the relationship. Probably the only exception is if the dumper dumps the dumpee for a very specific and correctable reason. (often not the case) She knows how I feel and that I love her - why tell her again and again when the relationship falters regardless?

 

I am respecting her decision and maintaining no contact whatsoever and trying to move on. I think that in cases such as this, the dumper needs to by given what they say they want - for the benefit of both of you.

I'm not seeing any pleading on the part of frd150.

 

Again, frd150 knows this girl better than any one of us, no matter how well he tries to explain it. Your situation, may not be his situation. Your girl sounds submissive. If frd150's girl is assertive, this won't happen.

[frd150]

No matter which direction you choose to take, there are no guarantees with your relationship.

It's not easy for anyone to try to figure out what's on someone else's mind, especially a confused one.

 

If i only could:(

 

Clear communication is always for the best in any relationship. If you push her to communicate or do NC, either way you are forcing something onto her and there maybe backlash. I do agree with Caliguy that you can't wait forever and have to look to yourself sometime but

if you want her back, sometimes pride has to be set aside for awhile.

I think that pride and outside infuences both. I am willing to do this but i need to respect hers. If i only had a way to get her to set aside pride (in this situation not in all aspects of her life so that we could figure things out) maybe she is slowly but i impatients is killing me.

 

You know her best. In the past, how did she react to being driven in any direction? Did she prefer it or did she rebel?

 

It depends on the situation but for the most part she was a person to compramise. This went both ways in our relationship. She would give to make me happy as i did the same for her. We always up until now able to work thru it.

[Trialbyfire]

It depends on the situation but for the most part she was a person to compramise. This went both ways in our relationship. She would give to make me happy as i did the same for her. We always up until now able to work thru it.

I went back to your old thread and noticed that the two of you agreed to a couple of months of separation. When was the last time you discussed your relationship?

[frd150]

I went back to your old thread and noticed that the two of you agreed to a couple of months of separation. When was the last time you discussed your relationship?

 

Hey Trial,

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Face to face about less than a month ago. It was the last time i went to her to plead my case. After i stopped she really opened up to me about how she felt and was feeling. Hard for me to hear but necessary. She just needed time. ME: "How long" HER: " A couple of months so that we can both get things right with ourselves". Since then we have had small discussions about things we have done to make things different in our own lives for the better.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Trial,

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Face to face about less than a month ago. It was the last time i went to her to plead my case. After i stopped she really opened up to me about how she felt and was feeling. Hard for me to hear but necessary. She just needed time. ME: "How long" HER: " A couple of months so that we can both get things right with ourselves". Since then we have had small discussions about things we have done to make things different in our own lives for the better.

 

If she is telling you what she needs, it's best to listen to her.

 

Do and she MAY return. It's a gamble.

Don't and she for sure will never return.

 

When someone is telling you they need time apart, they are saying they want to evaluate whether they want to be with you or not. If you don't go away, you'll surely make the decision easier for them to leave you for good.

[dr strangelove]

Ok dude

this is what will happen if you dont answer her call

 

Nothing. She will call back later..

 

Right now you should take a deep breath cause she isnt really going anywhere.

 

I dont buy into this whole break nonsense. Sometimes a break it really meant to be.. damn it I need you out of my hair today..

 

You know if I could give you one tip dude women say alot of nonsense in the moment.

Sorry women of this site.. I mean men do it too. In sales we have a name for this..

 

Just stop worrying about half what she says.. shes calling you and that shows a high interest level.

 

If you want to go out with her trying throwing out something like

well you know how to suggest something to someone with out asking right?

 

Like you might say.. hey have you seen that movie 300.. and if she says no

you can say im thinking i might check it out

she might say oh.. can I come

or you could what I do some many times

I throw out something like " ya I was thinking about asking you something but ah

no sorry its stupid or too bad you cant come with me

get the idea?

 

maybe try something romantic if she sees you ok.. like bring her a cookie or something

 

Got it? stop worrying that she is gone.. It kills me when I have to read half these sob stories on here.. Ive had to deal with much worse situations

 

and trust me on that missing her call thing on purpose.. they phone later

 

sometimes it might take 2 years.. just kidding psyche :-)

[Am4Real]

If she is telling you what she needs, it's best to listen to her.

 

Do and she MAY return. It's a gamble.

Don't and she for sure will never return.

 

When someone is telling you they need time apart, they are saying they want to evaluate whether they want to be with you or not. If you don't go away, you'll surely make the decision easier for them to leave you for good.

 

Cali (and FRD and TBF),

 

Cali, you've made the point several times; I've stated the same numerous times here on LS and others are chiming in with similar views on NC. Until I once faced the awful humiliation of "pleading" (as a much younger man, ha) for her return did I fully understand the reasons and benefits of NC these past few months (gosh, has it been that long now?). I'm not sure what else we can say on the subject.

 

The regulars or perhaps better said "LS friends" who know my story might also realize this is my eleventh week of NC. And FRD, for your information I made my love known to "her" in the end as my "big communication effort". Well, guess what...? Eleven weeks and four days into NC and my cell phone rang...guess who...yep, it was her. I didn't answer, she didn't leave a message, but one would imagine what might be going on in her mind. And guess what else? Like you FRD I was an emotional basket case this past Christmas; today I'm not totally healed but pretty damn close to it. So despite the call from "her" I realized my impulses and rationales have changed, I'm healing, therefore my thoughts and heart are looking at this new situation differently. And FRD my friend, I would NEVER have made it to this point without the advice of NC I read right here on good ol' LS. Bottom line from my point of view, communication is the key and if your communications or message(s) are rejected then get on with your life, you have a great life to live and being anchored to an unsure future is only delaying all the fruitfulness this world has to offer.

 

So, with no disrespect to my honorable friend and personal supporter [highlight]Trialbyfire[/highlight] I have to tell you, if you want her back write that letter, call her or do whatever you think is best to communicate the way you feel. If it’s not reciprocated, you have to get on with healing and to most of us who have been hurt and abandoned in the process of a breakup we believe in NC.

 

If you don’t think I was as distraught as you are right now, get yourself a long tall beverage, search for my original post (it was a long one back then) and understand all of us are one-in-one at some point in this process.

 

Best of luck in your decisions. My thoughts and hopes are with you.

 

Am4Real

[Am4Real]

Ok dude

this is what will happen if you dont answer her call

 

Nothing. She will call back later..

 

Right now you should take a deep breath cause she isnt really going anywhere.

 

I dont buy into this whole break nonsense. Sometimes a break it really meant to be.. damn it I need you out of my hair today..

 

You know if I could give you one tip dude women say alot of nonsense in the moment.

Sorry women of this site.. I mean men do it too. In sales we have a name for this..

 

Just stop worrying about half what she says.. shes calling you and that shows a high interest level.

 

If you want to go out with her trying throwing out something like

well you know how to suggest something to someone with out asking right?

 

Like you might say.. hey have you seen that movie 300.. and if she says no

you can say im thinking i might check it out

she might say oh.. can I come

or you could what I do some many times

I throw out something like " ya I was thinking about asking you something but ah

no sorry its stupid or too bad you cant come with me

get the idea?

 

maybe try something romantic if she sees you ok.. like bring her a cookie or something

 

Got it? stop worrying that she is gone.. It kills me when I have to read half these sob stories on here.. Ive had to deal with much worse situations

 

and trust me on that missing her call thing on purpose.. they phone later

 

sometimes it might take 2 years.. just kidding psyche :-)

 

 

Hey Doc,

 

Your post made me smile, you read like that famous advice giver from Men’s Health Magazine “Jimmy the Bartender”.

 

I didn’t or wouldn’t take all of your advice literally but there is some truth buried in there. I did like your approach of "bringing her a cookie". Has that really worked for you, BTW? {{smiles}}

 

Again, thanks for the smiles this morning, we all need it!

 

Have a wonderfully day – after all it is Friday!

 

Am4Real

[Trialbyfire]

Am4real, no offense at all. Surprisingly, I rarely take offense to a differing opinions unless it's a targeted insult or someone is getting petty. Once again, the beauty of LS, differing opinions.

 

You used NC the right way. A time to strengthen yourself, not a game to get her back. NC is as I expressed in another thread, a cold-turkey method for the addicted. You knew the risks going into NC, that you could lose her forever, and you still chose that route.

[dr strangelove]

hmm

yes I think last time my ex brought me a cookie

 

One time I brought soup, I think with crackers

 

flowers sometimes are good..no wait 1 flower

 

I dunno n.c. (no contact) is just one option.

[frd150]

Well,

 

This weekend i was at my end so i made the "one big effort".

 

What i had come to find is that my aloofness was hurting the situation. You see our problem in the relationship was that her efforts were going un acknowleged in her mind and by me not making an effort during this period i was further hurting my chances.

 

Btw. she is not seeing anyone else nor did she have anyone in mind. We had a three hour conversation that cleared up some things. I laid it all out there more than you can imagine i probably jumped the gun but that may be for another thread. With that i think that i was very clear in my intentions that i wanted to work at this. I told her that i thought that she wanted to be left alone when actually she wanted to see effort out of me.

 

With this new info i think that we need to start out by building our friendship we both agreed that jumping back in would solve nothing and there will be a risk of us going back to the way it was which was obviously not working.I have been given a chance that she has not given any other guy so i will put forth my best effort.

 

We are at step one.