coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 As many of you will probably know reading from my past threads. I am having major issues with my family as a result of having a bf last year. I am Indian and its not the norm. I have had to kill so many of my hopes and dreams to make my parents happy and it seems its not enough. I am planning on leaving in May after my exams are over with the help of authorities. I cant help but feel selfish for wanting to live my own life. I have my mum pressuring me into keeping the family name high and not to let them down. Is wanting to live my life my way doing that? I havent had a normal teenage life - not allowed to hang out with friends, have to beg to do stupid stuff like go to the cinema, I even have to ask permission to get my hair cut. I have done everything they have wanted mainly under protest. For those who went against your families, did you feel a sense of guilt? I am feeling guilt but I know I need to do this or I will end up in a worse state than I am in already. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 well COCO MILKSHAKE...you will most likely find that going out on your own with nothing will be much more stressful than the situation you're in now. But its best you discover that yourself cause you won't believe me until you experience it first hand. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks AM. I talked to the lady who would be helping me with my "escape plan" last month and she said that I wouldnt be alone in terms of financial aid and that is there as long as I need it to help me get back on my feet until I get used to my surroundings. I am also going to claim back the 4 grand that my mum stole off me. I am saying stole cos she took it and told me that she had and didnt bother asking if I was ok with it. I know that moving out of home for anyone is difficult at first but most do make it in the end - the only difference here is that I will be disowned as a result but I value my sanity and my life more than anything my family want. I guess both parties are selfish to a certain extent. I want to live my life my way and not have any regrets, they want me to live my life their way and make them happy even if it makes me miserable. I know what option I would choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 What it really sounds like is that they want to live your life for you on their terms. While I can well understand their wishing to preserve cultural norms and practices, those traditions were not developed during times of a global economy. Nor did they come to be in a society, time or place in which women were free to pursue employment on a more-or-less equal footing with men. Your parents won't be around forever (mine have been dead for the better part of 20 years) so at some point in time, you'll be left with you. I hope that in the interim you make choices that will ensure you're also not left with a load of regrets about how you've lived your life. It really does all boil down to a matter of family versus you and that is truly unfortunate. However, at some point in time, and especially in this day-and-age, we have to look at ourselves and decide what is best for us. After all, we're the ones who have to live it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 As many of you will probably know reading from my past threads. I am having major issues with my family as a result of having a bf last year. I am Indian and its not the norm. I have had to kill so many of my hopes and dreams to make my parents happy and it seems its not enough. I am planning on leaving in May after my exams are over with the help of authorities. I cant help but feel selfish for wanting to live my own life. I have my mum pressuring me into keeping the family name high and not to let them down. Is wanting to live my life my way doing that? I havent had a normal teenage life - not allowed to hang out with friends, have to beg to do stupid stuff like go to the cinema, I even have to ask permission to get my hair cut. I have done everything they have wanted mainly under protest. For those who went against your families, did you feel a sense of guilt? I am feeling guilt but I know I need to do this or I will end up in a worse state than I am in already. Thanks. Don't feel any guilt for what you are about to do. This is your life and you should be allowed to live it as you please. No one has to put up with someone or a family that is trying to control their lives. You are doing what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks Curmudgeon and Rid Rad. There is less than a month left til the big day and the more I think about it, the more excited and scared I get. This will be totally alien to me but this will be an opportunity for me to develop as a person and see the world through my eyes as opposed to my family's. I have learnt from this abuse and the hurt I experienced with my ex. I like to think that I am strong cos I have put up with this for so long and hopefully it will pay off when I get my own space. I look forward to making a thread about my freedom and its not far away now Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks Curmudgeon and Rid Rad. There is less than a month left til the big day and the more I think about it, the more excited and scared I get. This will be totally alien to me but this will be an opportunity for me to develop as a person and see the world through my eyes as opposed to my family's. I have learnt from this abuse and the hurt I experienced with my ex. I like to think that I am strong cos I have put up with this for so long and hopefully it will pay off when I get my own space. I look forward to making a thread about my freedom and its not far away now Your welcome. As time gets closer, it will probably become more difficult but you have to stick with this plan. Its the only way that you will ever be able to experience life the way that you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I look forward to making a thread about my freedom and its not far away now excellent excellent C_M...I will look fwd to that thread Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Thanks guys will you still eat indian food after you make your escape? If so I will keep some nice biryani and saag-paneer warm for you :yum: Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 will you still eat indian food after you make your escape? If so I will keep some nice biryani and saag-paneer warm for you :yum: Hee hee thank you. Yeah I will be eating Indian food after I make my escape. Couldnt live without it hee. My mum is going to teach me. I can make chappatis and the base for the curries (butter or oil, onions, garlic etc) but not reached the next stage of curry making. She thinks she will be training me for my in-laws but we know better Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Hee hee thank you. Yeah I will be eating Indian food after I make my escape. Couldnt live without it hee. My mum is going to teach me. I can make chappatis and the base for the curries (butter or oil, onions, garlic etc) but not reached the next stage of curry making. She thinks she will be training me for my in-laws but we know better I have a confession to make........ I haven't tried Indian food ever. It has never looked appealing to me. Eventually I will try it. Any recommendations for something to start off with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 I have a confession to make........ I haven't tried Indian food ever. It has never looked appealing to me. Eventually I will try it. Any recommendations for something to start off with? Ummm...if you like meat then I recommend chicken tikka masala with fried rice. That is wicked, or eat jai puri which is peppers, chicken and mushrooms thing and eat that with either nan bread or fried rice with poppadoms for side dish which is light and crunchy not to mention tasty. If you like vegetarian food, saag is nice which is spinach and its pureed. It sounds minging but believe me its nice with chappatis or nan bread. Curry wise, try one with potato and peas in it - I had that yesterday...yummm!!!! Cant remember what we call it in Punjabi lol. Or you can just ignore what I have just said and go to any Indian restaurants near you and ask the waiter lol. Nothing beats home cooking and if we are going to have an LS gathering - hopefully I have learnt how to cook it and you will be in for a niiiiiiice treat Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Ummm...if you like meat then I recommend chicken tikka masala with fried rice. That is wicked, or eat jai puri which is peppers, chicken and mushrooms thing and eat that with either nan bread or fried rice with poppadoms for side dish which is light and crunchy not to mention tasty. If you like vegetarian food, saag is nice which is spinach and its pureed. It sounds minging but believe me its nice with chappatis or nan bread. Curry wise, try one with potato and peas in it - I had that yesterday...yummm!!!! Or you can just ignore what I have just said and go to any Indian restaurants near you and ask the waiter lol. Nothing beats home cooking and if we are going to have an LS gathering - hopefully I have learnt how to cook it and you will be in for a niiiiiiice treat I will say that I am not big on onions, mushrooms, or peppers. So is there anything else that you recommend? I do like chicken. There is an indian restaurant across the street from me, but I have heard many people complain about the place. Maybe I will wait for your home cooking before I pop that cherry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Oh I am a mushroom hater as well. That is one of my phobias actually lol. Well chicken tikka masala, the one my dad makes is nice and creamy with no traces of onions, mushrooms or peppers lol. He fries the rice and adds red and yellow food colouring to make the rice look more colourful. Jai puri is very nice and cos of all the differnt flavours etc you can barely taste the mushrooms and the peppers are tasty. Cant diss it til you tried it I recommend chick peas curry with samosas. Samosas are triangular shaped pastries with potato and green peas filling. Basically have the curry in a small bowl and put the samosa in it with a dollop of yoghurt, tomato ketchup and salad *drools* - that is the bomb. Pakoras are great too - you can a variety of them (this is something that almost everyone like) like mushroom, chicken, fish, prawn and vegetarian. It would be a pleasure to cook for you Riddles I will say that I am not big on onions, mushrooms, or peppers. So is there anything else that you recommend? I do like chicken. There is an indian restaurant across the street from me, but I have heard many people complain about the place. Maybe I will wait for your home cooking before I pop that cherry. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 I admire you for living as a bit of an outcast and know how hard that is. I have a roman catholic family and I know all about trying to meet their expectations. I'm 34 and had a discussion this week and banging my boyfriend, my mother believes in waiting.....for god sakes I'm 34 and she hooked up when she was 22. Growing up we lied about it, pretended we weren't living together before marraige. When I was younger I tried to meet their expecations. I even broke it off with someone I loved when I was 22 because he didn't have the money or education my dad wanted. After that I realized how I was ruining my life and letting them rob me of what my life could have, I was no longer under their rules. Your caught in your family's culture and America's. It sounds to me like your finding a balance as they are both part of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 . Your caught in your family's culture and America's. . she's actually in the United Kingdom Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 26, 2007 Author Share Posted March 26, 2007 I admire you for living as a bit of an outcast and know how hard that is. I have a roman catholic family and I know all about trying to meet their expectations. I'm 34 and had a discussion this week and banging my boyfriend, my mother believes in waiting.....for god sakes I'm 34 and she hooked up when she was 22. Growing up we lied about it, pretended we weren't living together before marraige. When I was younger I tried to meet their expecations. I even broke it off with someone I loved when I was 22 because he didn't have the money or education my dad wanted. After that I realized how I was ruining my life and letting them rob me of what my life could have, I was no longer under their rules. Your caught in your family's culture and America's. It sounds to me like your finding a balance as they are both part of your life. Hi Groovy (love the name!), its ridiculous that family demands stupid things from you isnt it? They are too selfish and too set in their own ways that they cant see anything beyond their demands. I am proud of being Indian but I was born and raised in Scotland - this is my home, my identity. I get told that I am trying to act White by being different, but I am trying to be me. I dont want any label attached to that. I am me, they can like me or they can hate me. I aint going to be someone Im not to make them happy. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally. I dont feel part of this family despite living under the same roof. I have detached myself emotionally from them, the next step is to up and leave which is going to happen very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Groovy Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 Sorry Coco Milkshake.... so not American culture but certainly a different one than your family's. I'm sure your family loves you and thinks their doing what's best. My family believed they were doing good by telling me I'd burn in hell if I had sex before marriage, I was only 8. I guess they didn't want me knocked up and thought they were creating a good future of wise choices. In any case it kept people out of my pants for a good long time. Now I have sex and I have to wash the sheets right after and feel dirty instead of enjoying it. But it only lasts a few times and then I feel like I enjoy it. Hell I even enjoy laying in the dirty sheets and having the sweat on me....sorry mom and dad I'm no 34 year old virgin and I'm not married. My cousin waited for marraige and the gal had issues from sexual abuse. So he was 30 something with a wife who wouldn't sleep with him or get help. So much for his roman catholic upbringing..... Your family thinks they are preserving your dignity and heritage. But instead you feel held back from being who you are, which is more than your Indian culture alone. Have you told them you feel like you could be accepted for who you are? That you part of the family's ideals and your own? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 families are complicated, and it's because of their love that they feel they can dictate your behavior without really looking to see how YOU are affected by it. You can only take the best of what they've given you (morals, values, beliefs) so that you are the best person YOU can be, and dump the rest. Otherwise you're going to make yourself nuts trying to make them happy. Frankly, as long as you don't end up an axe murderer or someone who abuses another's rights, you should be all right making that break is hard even when you're close to your family because it's a leap into the unknown. Again, you've got to decide what values you want to keep and the kind of person you hope to be and run with that. so good luck, stay strong, and don't let anyone – especially a family who loves and only wants what is "best" for you – steal your dreams. oh, and if someone offers to show you his etchings, run! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 But instead you feel held back from being who you are, does anyone really know "who they are" when they are 18 years old?! I think not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 26, 2007 Author Share Posted March 26, 2007 does anyone really know "who they are" when they are 18 years old?! I think not. Actually I am 21 years old lol. Well 22 in less than 2 weeks Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Actually I am 21 years old lol. Well 22 in less than 2 weeks sorry COCO MILKSHAKE, i forgot. Either way when one gets to my age there is not much difference between 18 and 22. When I was 22 I thought I knew all yet I actually knew little of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 sorry COCO MILKSHAKE, i forgot. Either way when one gets to my age there is not much difference between 18 and 22. When I was 22 I thought I knew all yet I actually knew little of the world. And that was just a few minutes ago when porn_guy was on the boards! (Sorry Alpha, I know I make fun of you way too much. But you make it so easy and you take it so well.) As for what Indian food Riddler should try first, I think tandoori might be the easiest thing for the squeemish, as it is not so much a mixture. Link to post Share on other sites
LeslieA Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 It sounds like your family needs to understand that you are growing up. I know that can be tough for some parents, but you also need to make them realize that you are no longer a "little girl". Please don't rush to leave them. I don't know your entire situation, but please try to talk to them again. I am sure they are only trying to look out for your best interest. But, in the end, you must live your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
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