Family's expectations and my happiness

[coco_milkshake]

It sounds like your family needs to understand that you are growing up. I know that can be tough for some parents, but you also need to make them realize that you are no longer a "little girl".

 

Please don't rush to leave them. I don't know your entire situation, but please try to talk to them again. I am sure they are only trying to look out for your best interest.

 

But, in the end, you must live your own life.

 

Hey Leslie, thanks for choosing this thread for your first post and welcome to LS.

 

Well I am living in a tough situation since being Indian I couldnt have a boyfriend and thats what I ended up doing last year, I am still paying the consequences of that. There is no point in talking to them cos they have made it clear that there will be no middle ground as far as they are concerned. If you read my thread in the abuse forum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1139546#post1139546

 

then you will get a clearer picture. I hope you like it here in LS - its a pretty cool place with lots of nice people.

[JoL]

Coco_Milkshake...I think you are so brave. I admire your courage and resiliance. I really believe you are doing the right thing.

 

LeslieA, I think Coco must leave this situation ASAP. Her parents are never going to wake up and realise she is an adult. They are hinting about forcing her into an arranged marriage, she's not ALLOWED to leave the house, she had a boyfriend and she is still "paying" for it.

In my opinion, this is serious abuse which she needs to get out of NOW.

 

Coco_Milkshake, your parents aren't capable of doing anything violent after you leave are they? They won't be able to track you down I hope. Please be very careful.

[coco_milkshake]

Hello JoL and thank you for your kind words.

 

I have experienced a little bit of physical violence from my sister and I have been threatened numerous times. I am taking the help of authorities to help me leave so my family wont be able to track me down.

 

Thank you for your concern.

[alextop30]

As many of you will probably know reading from my past threads. I am having major issues with my family as a result of having a bf last year. I am Indian and its not the norm.

 

I have had to kill so many of my hopes and dreams to make my parents happy and it seems its not enough. I am planning on leaving in May after my exams are over with the help of authorities.

 

I cant help but feel selfish for wanting to live my own life. I have my mum pressuring me into keeping the family name high and not to let them down. Is wanting to live my life my way doing that? I havent had a normal teenage life - not allowed to hang out with friends, have to beg to do stupid stuff like go to the cinema, I even have to ask permission to get my hair cut. I have done everything they have wanted mainly under protest.

 

For those who went against your families, did you feel a sense of guilt? I am feeling guilt but I know I need to do this or I will end up in a worse state than I am in already.

 

Thanks.

 

if you really want the two letter answer it is NO. Here is the longer one. You know it actually felt better than I thought - when I went into the biggest fight of my life with my father --- he was going to hit my mother and stoped him - I totally went mental and just ran to my room got my computer school books and two t shirts and some pants and I told him that he will never see me again. Let me just say when you start living the way you want it feels kind of cool - such as a very big weight has been lifterd of off ur sholders. I have gone to school here - my friend was indian I liked her a lot she liked me a lot too but She could never date me even though it was something like that in school. I really dont understand your culture but I still think it is wrong trying to make someone do everything you want so I would say one beautiful day if u are alone pack your bags and get a taxi and go on the opocite side of town, I have to bet ater the initial stress you will see how much better it is to live all by yourself.

 

If you are never by yourself or on your own - do use authorities that is what they are there for - but dont tell your parents where you live that will be a mistake

[coco_milkshake]

Hey Alex,

 

Thank you so much for your input there. If I had it my way I would pack my things and leave this very minute, but the only thing that is holding me back is my education. I am in my final year at university and its been very hard. I want to leave with a degree under my belt so I can support myself and be independent. I want to leave with no commitments hanging over me.

 

I am hardly ever alone in the house. My mum is unemployed and home 24/7 and my gran is over 80 and lives with us too. There are rare occassions where I do have the house to myself and I use that time to try and get in touch with the organisations to help me get out.

 

I am seeking counselling in the meantime to help me get the courage I need and I have been doing research about going into a woman's shelter so I dont get any nasty surprises and it sounds straightforward.

 

I finish university in a month and I cant wait. I am going to be writing letters to my family members on the day I leave to let them know of the damage they have caused me - closure if you like. I will close that chapter of my life and get myself sorted out and start living again.

 

Thank you once again and take care.

 

Coco.

[melodymatters]

CoCo,

 

I have been reading your threads for awhile now and agree 110% that you need and DESERVE to get out of your situation.

 

change is always tough at first, but if you have the courage to make it through the hard times, you will be so much happier and stronger in the end.

 

As for your question : I have known many people in many situations with many different backgrounds in my life. The people who are happiest are those who are STRONG and have made their own decisions despite family pressure. Those who have caved in to families demands about religion, relationships, jobs, etc are those who always have a taint of sadness and frustration about them. : " The saddest words of tongue and pen, are these few words: It MIGHT have been"

 

GO FOR IT !!!!

 

and yes, Tandoori chicken or mixed grill would be best for an Indian food beginner ! Now let me go on google maps and find the closest indian place, now that you all got me in the mood !!!

[coco_milkshake]

Thanks Melody. The big day is not that far off. I am calling the authorities on Monday and double check my exam dates and work my escape around that.

 

Glad I could be of service in making you hungry lol.

[alextop30]

There is absolutely nothing illegal with wanting your own life - if you have to use the authorities do it my mom always said

 

"we have only one life and it is better to live it without the constant arguments that happen especially those in which you cannot defend yourself"

 

my mom ran away from her parents by getting married !!!! don't do that - mightmake a mistake. Just go out live by yourself you will feel a huge load of pressure fall off - I could actually feel my head totally clear intead of feeling it 200 pounds after a fight.

 

Hope you find your own perfect place....

[coco_milkshake]

There is absolutely nothing illegal with wanting your own life - if you have to use the authorities do it my mom always said

 

"we have only one life and it is better to live it without the constant arguments that happen especially those in which you cannot defend yourself"

 

my mom ran away from her parents by getting married !!!! don't do that - mightmake a mistake. Just go out live by yourself you will feel a huge load of pressure fall off - I could actually feel my head totally clear intead of feeling it 200 pounds after a fight.

 

Hope you find your own perfect place....

 

Thanks Alex

 

I dont plan on eloping with anyone lol. I want to get my head sorted out and live my life on my terms. I like that quote, I will keep that in mind when things get heavy.

 

I am glad things are going well for you hon and I hope it stays that way.

[EricOnTheWeb]

I finish university in a month and I cant wait. I am going to be writing letters to my family members on the day I leave to let them know of the damage they have caused me

 

Hi there Miss Coco

I was just wondering how you go to university and concentrate on whats required of it while dealing with your family and your emotions.

I mean gosh yesterday I thought you wanted to hurt yourself,and I was feeling for you. You said you were going to cut yourself.. I just don't understand how someone with such deep emotions could possibly uphold a college study. Are you doing well in college?

 

Also have you asked your family if they would go to councelling with you?

and you're 22 and yeah I would say it would be up to you if you want to move/.. Be careful though...You know ...they may take this very hard also.. Sorry you have to go through this...

 

(Eric)

[coco_milkshake]

Hey Eric

 

I dont know how I am managing this but I am. My education is keeping me alive. Its my life line - literally. The minute I go to university its like my problems evaporate and I begin to feel like myself. I dont have to look over my shoulders or fear being judged, plus I am surrounded by people who treat me like an adult and treat me with respect. I feel happy when I am there and with that level of happiness I am able to concentrate.

 

In my third year (when all the major crap happened) I failed 2 of my exams cos of stress and I had to really work hard for my resits as well as studying for the second semsester exams (3 exams) - I got 3 Bs and 2 Cs. I dont know how I managed it cos I was under house arrest during that time and my family's behaviour towards me was horrendous (I was branded a prostitute and told I have dirty blood in me etc). It didnt help that my ex was playing mind games with me too but I didnt retaliate.

 

I see my education as a form of escape from my problems and I focus my energy on that. I am terrified at the thought of when I finish my degree cos I will be stuck in the houe again and mum is "allowing" me to have a job etc but its not the same - she decides where I will work etc etc.

 

I know they will be affected by my exit but they need to realise the role they have played in messing me up emotionally and psychologically. I cant recover while living under that roof. My family dont encourage counselling cos of what "other people will think" - they care about their family reputation and put that above all else. Why do you think I am sneaking behind their backs to get the help I need? They banned me from getting professional help cos they felt I "dont need" it and that it can be solved in the house so no one else finds out about it. Shame isnt it? They are putting their so-called honour before my needs. One of the many reasons I resent my family and my culture.

 

I hope you are doing good Eric. Missed you yesterday. No one to pick on. Kidding *hugs*

[EricOnTheWeb]

Hey

Ok I gotcha now and that is great that college lets you be yourself and you feel no pressure there. Given what you just said about how controlling your mom is,and the strictness of your culture,I guess I cannot blame you for wanting to get out.

 

Your mom chooses where you work and says getting help with your problems disgraces the family? I feel for you. In my family I have none of those worries and they let me do or work at whatever I please without loving me any less. I could be a doctor or I could stay in construction(which i'm starting to hate) and they would't think any less of me..

 

Taking what you just said,and your families way to figin strict culture,I believe you're making a good choice. Lots in the world to do and see and ta hell if I would let family honor get in the way either...U have my support! I can tell you're strong because others in your situation would of resorted to Booze and drugs to cope with the pressure,but you chose college life to get away and be yourself...thats lots of honor right there!

 

Good luck to you,but stay safe and careful.

 

P.S I wasn't on yesterday because I started back to work bleh,,.. I'm putting out applications for different kinds of employment because construction is starting to suck...I'm bored of it. I might get a job with the USA postal service.

[coco_milkshake]

Heya Eric,

 

I tried drinking one time to numb myself from the memories and I felt angry and forced myself to throw it up (I am not a drinker). The thought of drinking and doing drugs has entered my mind Eric - just to escape from the pain but I know that once I start I will be in a worse position than I am in already, plus my family will abuse me for that too. I figure I am better and stronger than that.

 

Good luck with your job hunting and thanks for your support sweetie.

[alphamale]

The thought of drinking and doing drugs has entered my mind Eric - just to escape from the pain but I know that once I start I will be in a worse position than I am in already, plus my family will abuse me for that too.

Hey COCO MILKSHAKE...are u sure your family is "abusing" you in the true sense? Are you sure you're not blowing it out of proportion? Maybe you're just mistaking strictness for abuse. I personally haven't heard of many Indian families in the West abusing their kids but I'm sure it sometimes happens.

[coco_milkshake]

Hey COCO MILKSHAKE...are u sure your family is "abusing" you in the true sense? Are you sure you're not blowing it out of proportion? Maybe you're just mistaking strictness for abuse. I personally haven't heard of many Indian families in the West abusing their kids but I'm sure it sometimes happens.

 

I will inform you of what they have done and I will let you judge for yourself:

 

Things were fine before I had a boyfriend cos I lived by their rules. I didnt believe in most of the rules they laid out for me. I wasnt allowed any White friends, not allowed to cut my hair a certain length, not allowed to go to shops alone, not allowed to the cinema or anything like that. I constantly get put down and I have alway felt I was not good enough cos I am not the "typical Indian". I am too Westernised in their eyes and they hate it.

 

When I got older and I started working, I got my debit card and not long after that I got my pin number. My dad refused to give me my pin and I had to beg for about 3 months. He then took my card off me saying he needed something and I havent seen it since.

 

I have over 4 grand in that account. After they discovered I had a boyfriend, I was forced to stop working and my sister wrote my resignation letter and emotionally blackmailed me into signing it. I was pushed around and my sisters spat on my face. I am not allowed out the house without their permission, my accounts online were watched. I jumped when my phone went off or got a text cos I got a million questions thrown in my direction. My friends stopped calling cos they were scared for me and didnt want me to get in trouble. I got told I have dirty blood in me and that if I am that keen to have a boyfriend I should stand in the street corner like a prostitute. I also got told I am not worthy to be in the family and that they wished I was dead. I had to endure that for 3-5 months Alpha.

 

My sister has got violent with me a few times. She grabbed my jaw and said she will tell everyone what me and my ex got up to. She made my life a living hell and I resorted to cutting and felt suicidal cos I felt like I let them down and that I deserved it. They justified that abuse by saying I caused it to happen. My mum is using every form of manipulation to keep me in control and used my dead granddad as ammunition. Even a professional counsellor said this is emotional abuse. I dont think I am exaggerating but if thats how you feel I cant change that.

[coco_milkshake]

My family repeatedly mocked me and they threw the phone at me a couple of times to call the police on them cos they said they were willing to go to jail to protect the family honour.

 

My twin sisters threatened me that they knew people cos they live in dodgy areas and that their husbands know people. They said that they would have me followed and would have my ex beaten up. I have been living in fear but I guess you wouldnt class that as abuse would you Alpha?

[EricOnTheWeb]

My cousin Jaime decided to escape from her family,no one knows where she is...the last we have known was in Arizona.. Please keep in touch with your family though ,through emails and letters...don't totally disown them.

[coco_milkshake]

Doesnt matter if I do keep in touch with them I will be disowned by them. I will keep in touch, though I wont reveal where I am. They are thinking about my marriage Eric - they know I dont want one..isnt that bad?

 

I have spoken to a professsional counsellor and she says this is abuse that I have been through. I was debating whether I was confusing strictness with abuse and I needed to get it confirmed and I have. Whatever this is, it has left me messed up.

[EricOnTheWeb]

My family repeatedly mocked me and they threw the phone at me a couple of times to call the police on them cos they said they were willing to go to jail to protect the family honour.

 

My twin sisters threatened me that they knew people cos they live in dodgy areas and that their husbands know people. They said that they would have me followed and would have my ex beaten up. I have been living in fear but I guess you wouldnt class that as abuse would you Alpha?

 

Its hard to judge a situation from merely the internet,but I just weird why a family would do this. All I know is I would get out to...Isn't what your dad did(using your debit card) illlegal? Wow...I consider myself very lucky to have a family that loves me...I wish I could have you know what that feels like. Somehow I feel like one of those spoiled rich kids lol.. after hearing your home troubles.

[alphamale]

I don't know COCO MILKSHAKE but I get the feeling you are blowing some things out of proportion here. I think you should stay with your family.

[coco_milkshake]

That is what you think Alpha. You are a bloke and Indian men get it easy compared to Indian women. You are not in my position. So you are saying I should stay here with my family? I am self harming, I feel suicidal and my family are fantasising about a marriage I dont want. Sure I will stay if you want me to end up worse than I already am.

[alphamale]

I am self harming, I feel suicidal

but these feelings are caused by medical/psychiatric illness, not your family.

[coco_milkshake]

but these feelings are caused by medical/psychiatric illness, not your family.

 

My family are playing a role in making this worse. They say and do things that make me feel worthless and like shyt. I began self harming as a result of everything that has happened in the past year.

 

I was in shock to see that side to my family and I couldnt talk to them about it cos they turned it around on me. They want me to act "normal" after everything they threw at me and denied me counselling. They dont want it to get to our extended family or anyone else that I am messed up. They said I embarrassed them cos after the split with my ex etc I lost weight dramatically and when we had guests round they asked what was wrong with me. My family wasnt sympathetic, they made up excuses about university stress and after the guests left they would attack me for it.

 

They didnt help me and I am the type that cant keep my problems to myself and I couldnt share mine with my family, they threw it back in my face and taunted and swore at me. I felt alone and I still feel this way.

[coco_milkshake]

I am logging off now - I dont feel like arguing with you Alpha.

[JoL]

Coco_Milkshake is suffering from suicidal thoughts and feelings due to her parents treatment of her. Professionals are telling her this is abuse!

 

 

We need to get over this obsession with parents being all-mighty and all-righteous. They are human. They do NOT always know what is best for us. Just because you have been brought up with certain cultural expectations does NOT mean you need to follow these- it is a choice. Especially when you parents are using these expectations to drive you to harming yourself.

 

Also, withholding funds from someone is financial abuse! Your parents have NO right to do that.

 

Once you leave you must visit your bank and withdraw that money right away.. Change all your passwords...it is in your name after all..can't the banks assist you with this, considering your situation?