Should I tell her he cheated?

[BlackSwan]

My boyfriend and I have known each other since college, though we didn't start dating until 15 years later when we ran into each other at a friend's wedding. That was over two years ago. I moved back home about six months ago and everything was really good between us.

 

I was alone at his house a little while ago and found some cards and letters. He was cheating on me the whole time I lived in the other city! He had another woman here! She doesn't know about me at all. He was cheating on her the whole time he was cheating on me! They broke up around the time I moved back, but are still good friends. She still doesn't know he is dating me.

 

I confronted him with the cards and letters and he admitted everything. He said he just liked her a lot, but he never loved her. He always wanted to be with me, but he went out with her because I wasn't here. He says she has no idea about me, but they are still friends because they just like hanging out and like doing some of the same things. They play on the same softball team. He says they are just friends.

 

I broke up with him. I am so hurt, so mad, so pissed off, I can't even handle it. He was my friend for 15 years and he could lie to me like that! I trusted him in every way! He's really a good guy, excapt for this.

 

Now I want to tell her everything. I have her email. I want to tell her he lied to her the whole time. I want to break up their stupid friendship or whatever it is. She should know he's a lying weasel.

 

Would it be wrong for me to tell her?

[imonyourside]

while its not good to butt into other peoples business, i think she has a right to know. given it would only hurt her, i would be damn thankful for someone like you to let me know in case i ever considered getting back together with him.

imho, you should just email her saying i know you guys are just friends now but i took this as a shock and i think you might too ...

 

good luck!

[BlackSwan]

You don't think it's just a mean, bitchy thing to do?

[imonyourside]

i guess it could be but in my head i feel like we need to watch out for eachother. lets say they do get back together, doesn't she have the right to know what shes dealing with?

i also meant to say last time that i'm glad you broke up with him. i don't know if he was telling the truth, but it sounded like a bunch of bull**** that he would tell both of you "i really didn't even love her, i just missed you"

 

blah men

[whichwayisup]

Moving on and not looking back is the way to go. Causing her pain isn't worth it...It's not going to make you feel better. Yes, you want to hurt him, but she doesn't deserve it. And, seeing as they're just friends now, it will ruin their friendship as well.

 

It's up to you, but I wouldn't do it. I think if you did, you'd regret it.

 

Best revenge is to live well and forget all about him.

 

Sucks though that you've known him for so long and things turned out this way.

[CATENZA]

Moving on and not looking back is the way to go. Causing her pain isn't worth it...It's not going to make you feel better. Yes, you want to hurt him, but she doesn't deserve it. And, seeing as they're just friends now, it will ruin their friendship as well.

 

It's up to you, but I wouldn't do it. I think if you did, you'd regret it.

 

Best revenge is to live well and forget all about him.

 

Sucks though that you've known him for so long and things turned out this way.

 

Maybe this other women still has hope and nothing is going to happen. If I was the OW I would want to know so I can move on with my life.

 

But doing it to hurt him and then the OW which is completely innocent is wrong.

 

If they are supposedly friends like you and him were, then there friendship isn't going to last. The OW will see his true colors.

 

If your planning on moving away again, then just go and forget everything!

[BlackSwan]

The only reason I haven't done it yet is cause I still have some stupid hope that we would get back together. Like, he'd have som epiphany and change his ways becasue he loves me. If i tell, I know he'd get mad and that's it. I'm so fricking stupid.

[RecordProducer]

Would it be wrong for me to tell her?

Not at all.

[norajane]

Their friendship is based on a web of deception. I would expect that would unravel at some point anyway, whether you told her or not.

 

But maybe it wouldn't. Since they're just friends now, and you are out of the picture, he could theoretically start "fresh" with her and be honest with her when he starts dating his next girlfriend, or if they got back together, he might not cheat on her again.

 

Still, she'd never know that he had cheated and that he had lied and that he had manipulated her. Personally, I would want to know if I were her, so I could make an informed choice about my friend/ex. It will hurt her, but he already did the damage - she just doesn't know about it yet.

 

Yes, your ex is likely to resent you for telling her. You have to decide if you can live with that. Since he's a "lying weasel", though, do you really want him in your life again?

[LoveLace]

I personally don't think I'd be able to help myself, and email her. Like Norajane said, since you broke with him, he might go back and think he can start over again with her. Then she'll be happy and clueless, so she deserves to know the truth. She is nothing but second choice to him, apparently.

 

Yes it would make your BF annoyed if you tell her, I'm sure, but if you ask me he deserves that. He cheated on you- would you be able to trust him again anyway?

[BlueEyedSarah]

Now I want to tell her everything. I have her email. I want to tell her he lied to her the whole time. I want to break up their stupid friendship or whatever it is. She should know he's a lying weasel.

 

Would it be wrong for me to tell her?

Thing is if you tell her she may just ignore it by thinking your a jealous ex friend or ex girlfriend from the past and when it comes to confronting the guy he will know you sent an email, probably make an excuse that you are an ex from the past but then he will get really mad at you and then you both wil not have any chance at all if there is a chance.

 

I don't think its worth the timeor trouble to email her as of the reason I stated, she will not listen or beleive you as she doesn't even know you exist in this guys life.

 

I think the best thing to do if you want this guy back is to give him no contact, he will soon realise what he has lost and will come crawling back to you.

[LoveLace]

It is true, that she might blow you off as just a jealous Ex trying to ruin their relationship...

 

But if I was her, I would take your email seriously and confront him, then he could be the one to describe it as you just being his "pshyco ex", and if she falls for that, the email is pointless.

 

Not everyone would, but I would still definitely email her without caring if he wanted me back or not. She deserves to know and he doesn't deserve to get away with this scott free. But if the email isn't effective just let it all go and move on.

[BlackSwan]

I sent the email last night. I was having a bad night and feeling awful that he could cheat like that. I told her everything I knew and everything he said.

 

I gave her my cell phone number and she called me today. She was busy with something at work all day so we only talked for a little while. It turns out he's a bigger lying weasel than I thought. They're still dating! They did break up for a couple months but got back together. She had no idea he was cheating on her this whole time. She had no idea we had gone on vacations together. She had no idea.

 

She thanked me for telling her. And she wanted to get together tonite so we could talk more but she has to work late. She's going to call me when she gets home so we can talk.

 

She sounded so sad and I felt so bad for her. I know exactly how she feels.

[mental_traveller]

It would be honourable to tell her. If you knew an innocent person was being fleeced for months or years on end, would you stay quiet out of sympathy for the con artist? Or would you let them know?

 

Why should fraud in a relationship be any different?

[BlackSwan]

She called me last night and we talked for 4 hours. It turned out we had a lot in common and a lot of information to share.

 

She said my email totally took her by surprise and she kept reading it over and over all day at work because she just couldn't believe it. But when she read it a whole bunch of things started making sense. All the dates I had given her about when we started dating and when I moved back and stuff we had done were like the missing puzzle pieces that explained why their relationship seemed like a roller coaster. Like when I moved back here, he changed the pattern of when they would get together and how often. And when he started acting like a jerk at certain times and they'd fight matched up with when he and I would go on vacations or weekends away. She said their relationship got really rocky about 6 or 7 months ago, and now she knows it's because I moved here then.

 

He told her a lot of the same lies he told me so he could juggle his time with us both. Stuff like how he was going out with a friend from out of town, and then he would tell me the same lie but for a different night. That's how he would split the weekends and see me one night and her the next night.

 

She said he didn't lie about the love part. He never told her he loved her and they never talked about that. She said she sometimes wondered if she was just his sports buddy. They ended up breaking up because of it because she told him she felt like she was just his pitching machine because she would always throw softball pitches for him so he could practice hitting. She told him she felt her feelings for him were stronger than his for her. But then they got back together a couple months later but it was still rocky. She said when she read my email and saw when we broke up a few weeks ago, she understood why he was suddenly all over her and things got so good between them.

 

She sounds like a great girl and we got along really well even though we had such a sucky thing to talk about. She thanked me again for sending her the email and telling her everything. She says she going to break up with him this week and I told her to call me if she needed to cry or scream because I knew exactly how she felt.

 

So I'm glad I told her and now I know he's an even bigger jerk than I thought so it's easier not to miss him. What a stupid fool for treating two really great women like dirt for two years.

[BlackSwan]

It is true, that she might blow you off as just a jealous Ex trying to ruin their relationship...

 

But if I was her, I would take your email seriously and confront him, then he could be the one to describe it as you just being his "pshyco ex", and if she falls for that, the email is pointless.

 

Not everyone would, but I would still definitely email her without caring if he wanted me back or not. She deserves to know and he doesn't deserve to get away with this scott free. But if the email isn't effective just let it all go and move on.

 

We talked about that too. I told her I didn't know if I should tell her and was worried she wouldn't believe me and would think I was just jealous or psycho and lying. But the dates matched up and she said my email was really nice and not at all psycho which is why she called me. And she was glad we spent so much time talking about everthing because now he can't try to lie to her when she breaks up with him.

 

My sister was the one who convinced me to tell her. She kept saying how that poor girl doesn't know anything and how unfair it was and how she would want to know if somebody was doing it to her and if he did it for 2 years he was going to do it again with somebody else and she'd never know what he's capable of.

[Trialbyfire]

I absolutely hate men like this. Good for you for telling her. What a jerk!

[norajane]

Good for you, Swan! I think you did her a huge favor and it sounds like she thought so too.

 

I don't know what this guy's problem is, but he sounds like he needs major therapy to get over his issues. Really, what could have made him think it was ok to treat people like that? People who care about him? How could he face you after seeing her the night before and how could he face her after seeing you the night before?

[LoveLace]

I don't wish what you two are going through on anyone, but I'm so glad you told her and that she is going to dump him. I hope he feels like a total moran. Has she told him that she knows about you?

 

Even though you've been hurt, I'm sure your feeling kind of powerful right now..cuz of exposing him and all...if he was actually crazy enough to try getting you back after all this, your busting him will probably keep you from falling for it if he tries. He deserves to lose you both forever and feel like a not-so-slick idiot.

[BlackSwan]

I don't wish what you two are going through on anyone, but I'm so glad you told her and that she is going to dump him. I hope he feels like a total moran. Has she told him that she knows about you?

 

Even though you've been hurt, I'm sure your feeling kind of powerful right now..cuz of exposing him and all...if he was actually crazy enough to try getting you back after all this, your busting him will probably keep you from falling for it if he tries. He deserves to lose you both forever and feel like a not-so-slick idiot.

 

She didn't tell him anything yet. She wanted to talk to me first before talking with him and telling him she knows about me.

 

I did feel powerful at first because I know the whole story now. Exposing him felt good only for about 5 minutes. I found out about more stuff that hurt me and I'm left feeling I wasted 2 years of my life.

[BlackSwan]

Good for you, Swan! I think you did her a huge favor and it sounds like she thought so too.

 

I don't know what this guy's problem is, but he sounds like he needs major therapy to get over his issues. Really, what could have made him think it was ok to treat people like that? People who care about him? How could he face you after seeing her the night before and how could he face her after seeing you the night before?

 

I don't know how he could do it. It all makes me sick when I think about it.

[norajane]

I don't know how he could do it. It all makes me sick when I think about it.

 

I'm sorry - I know this is hard on you. Hopefully knowing the whole truth will help you move on faster.

[LoveLace]

I don't blame you for feeling so upset; try not to look at it as a waste of 2 yrs. though. Chances are, the relationship might have ended anyway for another reason. I try not to say that about relationships..being a waste of time...because thats what partners do, they come and go, although we wish it wasn't like that, it is. This was a learning experience for you. You will probably be very cautious of the men you date from now on. Nothing wrong with that. Once you start dating someone regularly again, I would suggest that you are open about this experience with him; because it will effect the way you see relationships from now on. It might take quite a while before you can really trust someone again. I don't blame you at all for that. But also try to remember that not every man is like this *hole!

[norajane]

I don't blame you for feeling so upset; try not to look at it as a waste of 2 yrs. though. Chances are, the relationship might have ended anyway for another reason. I try not to say that about relationships..being a waste of time...because thats what partners do, they come and go, although we wish it wasn't like that, it is. This was a learning experience for you. You will probably be very cautious of the men you date from now on. Nothing wrong with that. Once you start dating someone regularly again, I would suggest that you are open about this experience with him; because it will effect the way you see relationships from now on. It might take quite a while before you can really trust someone again. I don't blame you at all for that. But also try to remember that not every man is like this *hole!

 

I totally agree! Relationships end for all kinds of reasons and your time is never wasted...at least you know you are capable of loving and caring about someone. This guy just wasn't the right someone.

 

I think you and the other lady handled this so well - truly like ladies. You could have blamed each other or thought one was trying to steal him away from the other, or any number of things. Instead, you were honest and obviously kind in you email, and she was honest and obviously appreciated you telling her the truth, and you both were smart enough to recognize that he was the ass. You should be proud of yourself for that.

 

And it might be hard to trust in your next relationship, but no, all men are not like this guy! I just don't understand why he would want to live like that, juggling his lies so he could juggle women.

 

Still, enough men ARE like this guy, that a little caution wouldn't be a bad thing.

[BlackSwan]

And it might be hard to trust in your next relationship, but no, all men are not like this guy! I just don't understand why he would want to live like that, juggling his lies so he could juggle women.

 

Still, enough men ARE like this guy, that a little caution wouldn't be a bad thing.

 

Ain't that the truth?! I just read a new thread here by a guy who did this - he cheated on two gf's. WTF is wrong with men they have to be jerks and hurt women who care about them? Is it supreme selfishness and huge ego?