she loves me, but she has a boyfriend

[confused89]

I got involved in an online relationship with a girl about 8 months ago, who had a boyfriend. We spent every night together and fell totally in love. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but being with me was just so wonderful. She would feel guilty at times and she'd tell me that she'd want to be just friends, but the more we talked about spending time apart, the more it brought us together. We'd go through cycles of wonderful times, followed by withdrawal.

 

Recently, I found out that she's more involved with her bf than I imagined. They've been together for over a decade, and they've been through some really tough times together. She wouldn't go into specifics, but they're connected in many many ways..it's like they owe each other. They know everything about each other, good and bad, and she says it's just too hard to get out of. She knows deep down that she'll probably end up with her current bf, just b/c she can't leave him. She says she has no choice. She's also scared that he'll end up killing both of them if she does leave him. I know b/c I feel her terror when she's chatting with me at night. She's terrified he might find out about us.

 

She also says she's not sure if I'd accept her for who she was in real life, like her bf does. Being online just isn't the same. But when she's with me, it's those special times..she feels like she has a choice to choose me..deep down inside she longs and dreams for us, and for one day, she just wants to breathe me. She tells me she wakes up every day and the person next to her isn't me, and reality hits. And when she's scared about her bf finding out, she feels like she has no choice...and she goes back trying to please him, out of fear.

 

She still says that she wants to be friends. When we talk, I always break down when she tells me she loves me. She doesn't break down crying, b/c she knows she'll start melting for me again if she does. She's trying to be strong for us. She really wants to take time apart. She said that she wants to give her relationship about 2 years..she's hoping maybe he'll leave her. Even though she's not happy, she says she wants the break-up to be mutual. She even talks about me and her possibly being together in 10 years.

 

I just don't know what to do right now. I feel like there's no closure b/c I haven't met her, the uncertainty of not fully understanding her. I know we can't meet b/c we both know she'll end up cheating. I cry every night b/c I get so depressed. But there's so much intense love on both sides. For that reason, everything tells me that I shouldn't give up. Do you'll think she'll end up choosing her bf? Is there anymore more I can do right now?

[LucreziaBorgia]

She says she has no choice. She's also scared that he'll end up killing both of them if she does leave him.

 

She does have a choice. She just refuses to make it.

 

If she was that scared of him, you wouldn't be in the picture at all. My guess? She is using this as an excuse to keep you on a string while continuing to have her boyfriend in her life as well. It keeps you sympathetic to her, and prevents you from pressuring her too much to leave.

 

 

She chooses him over you every second she stays with him. And you know what? You enable that to happen simply by accepting the situation.

 

If you want to see her make a real choice, then give her a real choice to make. Tell her that you love her and want to be with her, but that you can no longer be the "other man". Let her know that you will be the "only man" or you won't be there for her at all. Tell her when she is single, to come find you. Until then, she is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. Do not contact her.

 

That should knock her off the fence fairly well. If she wants to be with you, she has no choice but to break up with her boyfriend in order for that to happen.

 

The question is... will she? Are you strong enough to accept that she may simply let you walk away?

[confused89]

Thanks for the response.

 

I believe that this girl is different from normal reason. She loves being shown affection, and that's why I haven't done NC yet. She has a history of not making choices, and I believe she is incapable of doing so. I've begged and pleaded..so much to the point where she says she's never felt so loved before in her life.

 

She's always told me to never let me go..and it's worked in the past. When I'm not there, all she can think about is marrying her bf, but as long as i'm there, I feel like she holds off on her decision..that she can make a choice. My biggest fear is letting her go and have her marry her bf..she tells me this all the time. If I give her up, her choice becomes easy.

 

I mean if I feel true love, shouldn't I just continue to go all out and never give up? I feel that if two people are meant for each other and try to be friends, things will work out in the future. I know that there's still intense love between us.

[EmotionalBlackMail]

No. She's using you. I was recently put in a similar situation. A guy that I liked was using me for an ego boost, but he had a girlfriend. I didn't know about his girlfriend for a spell; after I found out, we decided to remain friends but he continued to seek out my attention (not sexually, but emotionally) on a constant basis. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her boyfriend. If this girl truly wanted to be with you, she would be with you. End of story. I know that really hurts to hear, but I had to tell myself in order to completely understand the degree to which I was being used. I think she's using you because she feels inadequate and wants someone to stroke her ego. It sounds as if you were the unfortunate chosen one to do so. Dump her.

[Guest]

Sometimes people think that the women / men on the other side of the story are just liers or cannot take decisions. I am in a similar situation. However, I am the one who does not know how to make the decision but not because I don't have the courage to love, it's because I don't have the courage to hurt the guy I have been with for 5 years...

 

I guess what people realize to understand is that many of us (unfortunately) would rather sacrifice themselves then sacrifice the people they've spent so much time with. I know this type of reasoning is also wrong. I am placed in front of a dilemma whether to spend the rest of my life with a man that I do love in a certain way but that has never really managed to make me happy, or to spend the rest of my life with a man that could be my soul mate, a match that seems to be made in heaven, a man that I know would make me the happest woman in the world...

 

How does one really decide? You'd say that somebody needs to get hurt... But sometimes the choice seems so obvious for many reasons: compassion, guilt, and knowing that the person you really love would understand you.... So, how does one make a decision? I know if I were single, I would marry the other guy without thinking about this twice and I have never felt like this before... On the other hand, I have a person that with all the ups and downs has beared with me for over 5 years and although the relationship has not been the happiest one for me,

 

I know that we've made through some really tough times and he stood by me in the most difficult times of my life... I now think he's my best friend. Then you'd ask, why did I get involved with the other guy? I made a mistake, I shouldn't have... never ever... But I guess I did because I was not very happy and because my current boyfriend is not always affectionate and caring towards all my needs. But how do I fix the things now? I also asked this other guy to be just friends but I really do love him.

 

I am also interested in all the replies that this post would get... Maybe, this would also help me out, me being in the position of a person who is probably making the worst decision of her life by staying.

[confused89]

Guest, thanks for the response. I feel that explaining this girl is rather difficult, and I'm glad there's someone who can provide perspective from the other side. My girl's exactly the same way..she would rather sacrifice herself than to risk hurting her bf..if she leaves him, he has nothing left. In a way, she pities him. She says she's even willing to go all the way and have a baby with him..just so she could tell herself she tried.

 

I know this girl became interested to me, b/c I provided her with openness, something her bf doesn't do with her at all. She has a huge communication problem with him, and she loves how she can talk to me about anything anytime.

 

Can I ask you how you're managing your friendship? I know I'm a bit different b/c I'm in an online relationship, but when we chat online, there are moments where we'd slip out "I love you" or cyberkiss each other, only to realize that we shouldn't be doing those things. It's like we're trying to suppress our natural love for one another.

 

If you do continue being friends w/ this other guy, do you think you'll ever choose him?

[alphamale]

you are fooling yourself if you think an online relationship is a real relationship. its only a virtual realtionship thru wires and networks and processors.