Thinking about meaningless sex with complete strangers...

[james1515]

I'm a 23 year old guy and my problem is that I just can't seem to attract any girls. I'm in college so I talk to alot of girls, flirt, ask them out, etc. but nothing ever comes of it. I hate bars and clubs but occasionally go with friends and give it an honest try but it doesn't work out. Admittedly I could probably do more, but I have a busy life and there are other things I'd rather be doing than spending all my free time looking for a date.

 

I think my problem is that I'm really not physically attractive at all. I have a reasonably high self-esteem and confidence in myself. I've been turned down hundreds of times but these things don't have anything to do with my self-image or how I define myself. I think my attitude is fine, but unless I'm willing to make a part-time job out of looking, my chances of finding someone are pretty low.

 

The point is that recently i've been thinking of using the internet to find girls to just have totally meaningless sex with. It's worked out well for some of my friends and I honestly can't justify why I shouldn't try it. In the past I would have thought it completely immoral and so inherently wrong that it doesn't even need to be argued against, but I don't know anymore.

 

To be honest, I don't know what I want. I have no experience with girls, never kissed, etc. I used to think I wanted to just have a girlfriend and be in love but that wasn't based on anything personal. If I have no experience, how can I really know what I want? I don't expect the sex to neccessarily magically change me for the better; I have no illusions about it. It's just that I'm a fairly young male and sex is pretty much on my mind all the time. And it honestly doesn't look like it's going to happen "naturally" any time soon.

 

So, do you think it's "okay" to do this? Should I just keep on trying the old fashioned way? I always thought my first kiss and first time having sex had to be "special" but at this point, being the age that I am, I feel like this kind of sentimentality or nostalgia is just holding me back. There has been a time or two when I could have made out with a girl and had sex with another, but each situation we were all drunk and I deemed it kinda worthless and wanted to save those things for the "right" person so it could be "special" and not "wasted". Did I make the wrong decision? I'm not religious so my basis for this thinking is rooted more in cultural things like cheesy movies and an overall nostalgia of "firsts" that exists in our society.

 

And what would make meeting a girl completely by chance in the street any more or less "special" than finding someone on the internet anyway? It seems dirty and "wrong" at first glance, but when you really think about it, it seems more ambiguous. More than anything I just want to get things started (physically, emotionally, sex, dating, kissing, love, whatever) so I can start finding out what I want, what I like, what I don't like; to start understanding myself more. I think it's important for a person to have as many experiences of all kinds as much as they can in their life and while I've been patient in this area for a long time, I'm getting older and starting to get really frustrated.

[Mustang1984]

rihgt there with ya bud. I had a gf for 5.5 years and we never had intercourse becuase she said she wanted to wait till marrige. Well guess what, she broke up with me and I didnt get any even though i was extremly good to her. Not only that, she calls me ate rthe brek up to tell me shes on the pill and now sleeping with a hs dropout bad boy druggie whi shes in love with.

 

So, figured i'd throw that in to make you feel better. Trust me its better to not have had a gf than been ripped off like that.lol. The pain is even more intense than when i was at that point in my life when i had never had a gf.

 

You got a lot going for you that you should be proud of. I'm good looking, but unlike you im very shy and can't approach girls and strike up a convo and flirt like you do. Trust me, girls care way more about personality so youve got that area covered. I undertand your frustration with being 23 and a virgin. I am almost 23 as well and in the same boat. The same thoughts went through my mind that your having. I know your angry and frustrated, but dont go of and seep with random people. I know friends that have done this just to get it over with and you know what... They surprisngly told me it wasnt that great at all. The net is a gret place to meet people. I've met some real great people online and will probably continue to use the net as my primary means. The reason the net is so great is that someone sees your pic and info about you, and if their interested they will talk to you and you will now they like you. Unlike in person where you could go through weeks or longer of "does she or doesnt she like me as more than a friend"

[Guest]

i am in the same boat as both of you. what websites or where do u meet people like that. Im not good talking to girls in person but over the net im good at it because im less nervous. id love to know how u go about doing this

[Guest]

how did u guys go about doing this. im 21 and a shy guy. id love to be able to go and meet girls through the web because i think i could be more relaxed. i get nervous around girls at school and cant tlk to them. id love to be able to go and do what u guys r talking about

[Mustang1984]

Myspace and yahoo personalls is what I used. I've met 2 girls in person from myspace and although things didnt work out they were nice people. Yahoo persoanlls is a pay site that cost $25 a moth, but I feel its worth it. I just met an amazing and very beautiful girl on there. Unfortunatly for me I am leaving for a job on the other side of the country. Dangit!!! lol.

 

Now understand that online is very difficult. You will likely find that you will be sending crap loads of messages and getting very few responces if any for a while. Women get their mail boxes loaded and I mean loaded with guys hitting on them so you have to make your self stand out in order to even get a responce. I'd say that out of every 50 girls I message I might get 5-6 replies and I'm a prety good looking guy. Yahoo is going to get you far more responces than myspace, becuase myspace is generally something women use just for fun and to interact with friends they know already. If you use yahoo, be sure to use your picture otherwise you wont get any responces. You also need to put work into your profile so women can get a real glipse of who you are. Theres also other wbsites like eharmoney and match.com and whatnot, but i havent tried those.

 

Now for a WARNING. When cruising around profiles only messgae girls that have more than 1 photo. Also look to see what they desire in a man. If you notice they are looking for men of any age and arent picky about anything its probabkly not a real girl, just a "bot". If you message them youll get a responce from some con artist looking for money most likely. Stick to girls with multiple photos who seem a little picky. Those are real people. Another thing to watch for and I hope I dont offend anyone here, but this next piece of advice is for guys who really are only interested in girls of average weight. If you see girls that only post pictures of their face thats a red flag that they may be quite over weight. This doesnt make them bad people, but if thats not what your looking for then just be careful of that.

 

So thats my speech on online dating. Its a great place for shy guys like me, becuase you kinda get to cheat by bypassing the appraoch step. If a women emails you, you already know shes kinda interested which is why I love online dating. Remeber it can be frustrating due to the small amount of responces. I've even heard of one guy saying he sent 400 messages and got only 10 back. You just have to keep at it and put a lot of thought into your profile. Oh yeah, one more thing. You need to send messages not winks. Winks never get responces from my experience just messages. Winks are on yahoo and basically it just sends a quick messgae like "hi" to someone.

[Dadaal]

Advice !!! whatever you're going through, guys don't masturbate because you'll treat women like a crap. Try your efforts to meet a girl of your choice, it takes for while to get one but be patient.

[Topper]

So tell me just how does masturbation make you treat woman like crap?

[Green]

Well I know women and I know how men think for I am the greatest man of them all. And what you need so much isnt sex you definetly need to get physical with a girl and know what it feels like to have some one who you find atractive think it back about you. You need to take the pussy off that pedistol man and break that barier and go get a woman. Now I have actors looks and a comedians sense of humor and timing but u dont need all that for Ive seen plenty of bums get hot chicks Ive even been beet out for a girl by my shorter red head sneezing friends so damn if he can get more women then me well then u can do it to. He is kind of rich though but hell ive known rich guys who cant get girls and its not like he does any thing to extravagent with them other then getting a hotel room and banging them. In my oppinion what your looking for isnt just physical although its definetly part of it, You want some one who you like to like you back. Next time you get a chance to sleep with some girl you find attractive even if shes drunk(as long as u think u wont get into legal trouble) go for it. I mean a maried or diseased or but ugly woman is the only person u should turn down at this point. And if a butt ugly woman wants to have sex with you get her naked first ud be suprised how horny you;ll get you can always back out at the last minute if u get scared

[james1515]

I definately won't be turning down any attractive girls from this point on, that's for sure. What's bothering me most right now is whether or not I should just continue my life as it is and take things as they come, or if I should actively pursue these purely physical encounters (at bars, on the internet, etc.), if for no other reason than as a means of getting things started and getting some kind of experience.

[dropdeadlegs]

I have read so many of these posts that I finally believe that this is a true issue.

 

Really, I believed that the whole can't get a girlfriend, never been kissed, never been laid thing was a hoax of some kind. Apparently it's for real and i have been oblivious that it could happen.

 

I have always thought there is someone for everyone and that sex was an easy accomplishment. Guess I'm wrong.

 

I can understand your desire to have a sexual experience. My first time was with someone I found attractive, but I did it just to get the experience over with for the most part. I was far younger than you are and while I don't have any regrets I must say that sexual acts are far more enjoyable with someone I am over the moon about. I can enjoy sex for just sex, but having a connection with the person is very different. It is special because giving pleasure is as important as receiving it.

 

I don't know what to tell you about how to proceed. I have no experience with internet chat sites or dating sites for sexual purposes, or even dating purposes. People are crazy and I am too afraid to venture into those venues for that purpose. Be careful is the best advice I can give you, but I do know a few people that have made real love matches online.

 

Good luck in your quest.

[james1515]

Maybe can't is too strong of a word. Maybe it's all just a string of bad coincidences and there's not neccessarily anything wrong with me as much as I just haven't talked to the right girls yet. But even if that's true, things are really standing still right now and I'm looking for something to jumpstart it all.

 

As another person said, I'm not looking purely for sexual experiences as much as I'm just looking for any experiences, but it seems far easier to get anonymous sexual ones than any other kind. And that's probably all I'd use the internet for. I'm not sure I'm interested in all the work and time that would go into building a relationship over the internet.

[ouiouiG]

If you are 21-23 and can't find a girlfriend, you might have other issues. Make sure you don't give out a "just friends" vibe when you meet these girls and et them know you interest up front. For the time being, you might want to meet up with some professional (paid) women to work on your confidence and skills.

[james1515]

I think if anything I flirt too much and come on too strong when I meet someone. That's something that I've been trying to tone down a little. I'm not interested in paying for sex though.

[Green]

Well if u lived in the NY aread Id take u under my wing and show u how its done but since u dont my words will have to do. Go out to a college hang out tommorow it doesnt mean ur looking for the purely physical and flirt and talk and enjoy yourself with as many young ladies as you can dont even ask for numbers but if you see and opening u better take it and get that first kiss over with. heck you could get ur first make out session over with. just go out and talk to many girls thats ur mission

[mental_traveller]

I say go for it. It's perfectly ok to experiment and learn about women, especially when you are young and inexperienced. Another advantage is that you'll pick up more confidence and learn better how to relate with women on a romantic/sexual basis. Practise makes perfect, and you learn by doing things not by pondering them from the isolation of your room.

 

Oh, and make sure you dress well and are presentable. Most guys put little effort into their appearance, so just by doing that you will bump your chances up a fair bit.

[mental_traveller]

I have read so many of these posts that I finally believe that this is a true issue.

 

Really, I believed that the whole can't get a girlfriend, never been kissed, never been laid thing was a hoax of some kind. Apparently it's for real and i have been oblivious that it could happen.

 

I have always thought there is someone for everyone and that sex was an easy accomplishment. Guess I'm wrong.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but you're a woman, right? So of course sex is an easy accomplishment. Just walk around until a guy hits on you, then say yes.

 

It's a little different for guys

[Mustang1984]

When it comes to relationships. Yes in the United States womean have quite an unfair advantage over men. Now, life isnt always fair I know, but I'm just stating how it is.

 

In the USA men are expeted to do all the chasing. If a woman is at all cute, all she has to do is walk around the mall, go to a bar, etc... and guys will hit on them. Guys on the other hand need to have an aggresive personality and be very outgoing in order to get a girl.

 

So, what if your nice, but more shy and not super extroverted. I mean what if thats who you are. What if your not mr. super extroverted highly competitive guy. Well, in the USA your pretty much screwed. It doesnt matter how good looking you are in the USA, if you cant approach women your going to be alone most likely. I have heard of women approching guys, but you have to be very lucky. Im 22 and have only had this happen once.

 

What if having someone means more to you than anything in the world but your personality seems to be standing in your way. To me this says, you need to change your personality even though people say "be your self". What if being yourself makes you extremly unhappy and eats at you every second of every day torturing you. Well thats how I feel anyway.

[Green]

I think youve lost site of what people mean when they say be yourself. They mean do what feels good and come natural, they dont mean suffer in silence and let things eat away at you. Getting women is alot easier then u realize and personaly I love being a man and yes I would say we have it harder in the dating game, but we have alot more fun in it to. For instance I think its great that Im the one expected to go up and ask them out and get them instead of vice versa. I mean when a girl comes up and hits on me its just a great story that we all remember like the time that girl on the train invited me back to her penthouse apartment. Truth be told would you really want to be the one who is expected to just wait for the other sex to hit on you. Get some confidence be overyly friendly to any girl your attracted to heck talk to everyone its what I do.

[Mary3]

I don't see anything wrong with OP going out there and getting some experience.

Just use protection, use your head , meet in public only ( she might be a female serial killer ~ which is pretty rare ) , don't pay for street sex , and also you mentioned you weren't that attractive.

Might be harder to get laid but there may be equally unattractive girls out there wanting it or even cuter girls who have high sex drives and want to give it away to all Internet guys . Or if you are lucky and want a meaningful relationship you could get lucky and find the girl of your dreams. ..but don't count on it via the Internet.

[mental_traveller]

So, what if your nice, but more shy and not super extroverted. I mean what if thats who you are. What if your not mr. super extroverted highly competitive guy. Well, in the USA your pretty much screwed. It doesnt matter how good looking you are in the USA, if you cant approach women your going to be alone most likely.

 

Well, the good news is that shyness can be cured (and fades with age). I used to be very shy, I worked on it and now I have little problem with it at all. Try some public speaking, and try approaching women you don't fancy, just to get practise at approaching them. Practise makes perfect! Force yourself to approach 3 women per day, for example. And sign up to a dating site online, that's another good way to meet women if you are a bit shy.

 

As for extroversion, I am a strong introvert, yet I've generally ended up with more attractive girlfriends than my extrovert friends. And the biggest casanova that I know is an introvert too. So extroversion is not only unnecessary, it may actually be a handicap. IMO your self-esteem, along with your interest in women (I mean genuine interest, not just wanting them for sex) is much more important than whether your are introspective or outgoing.