How do we know who to trust?

[Sashaj]

How do we know when someone is not faithful? How do we know to trust someone when you are in a relationship just because you are meant to? Just because that is the basis to a strong and happy relationship? How do we know when everyone says they are faithful? What is the difference between the person telling the truth and the person that is lying? Who deserves this trust that we have? Do we only have reservations because we think that we could be unfaithful? What is the right answer? How do we avoid this pain? We hear people go through it ALL THE TIME. How do we know if this will happen to us? Can we prevent it by being the perfect partner and never feeling insecure or is it healthy to have some doubts so you don’t get walked over? I wish I knew the answer to every one of these questions

 

I know that living in fear of this could not be healthy, I know, because this is how I feel. Not all the time by any means, but just sometimes. Sometimes I have doubts. Is it wrong to voice these doubts to your loving partner. Once I get on a roll I just can’t help but want to know all of the answers to these questions. Why are there so many people that cheat on eachother? Why are we friends with people that betray their husbands and wives? Don’t we hope that the relationship with our partners is the strongest, that they are our best friends? This is what I wish for but have never accomplished. I cannot answer any of these questions and would welcome someone to give me the answers

 

Is it from the past? Is it because my parents marriage didn’t work because of infidelity? The only thing I am certain of is that infidelity is NEVER EVER EVER excusable. Tonight I argued with my partner because he has two mates, okay, let me start from the beginning

 

Friend One

Y had a girlfriend and cheated on her. My fiance told him one night whilst extremely pissed to leave her, not to cheat on her. The next day his friend rang him and told him that he had followed his advice and left his girlfriend to pursue other women. My fiance was shocked and could not remember delivering this advice and told Y that he didn’t mean to say that and he should not have broken up with his girlfriend. Y got back with his girlfriend and married her and had a baby and continued to cheat the whole time. Y’s wife eventually left him for other reasons. She never found out about his infidelity. She still does not know to this day. They are still broken up and she will never take him back thank god.

 

Friend Two

X is married and my fiance is friends with both of them. He actually has known the wife longer than he has known X. X confided in my fiance and told him about his infidelity. His wife does not know. She was pregnant at the time that he cheated and, I suspect, continues to do so through their marriage. His wife does not know any of this

 

So I guess my question is………..Why does my fiance choose to have people like this in their life? How does he go around for a family bbq and hold their babies and talk to their wives knowing so much? How do they look these women in the eye and feel okay? These are only two examples, I know it happens to men as well. Why do we accept this? His answer is because he is fiercely loyal to his mates and would never “rat” them out? I can’t help but think that if that was me in their position I would want someone to tell me. I can’t help but think of that saying “If you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas”. How do I know for sure this is not me in five years time? I know some people just say to live in the moment and enjoy what we have, but what happens when we are one of the women above and we don’t know what we have? I know this is such a dismal way of thinking, maybe I have heaps of issues. I just like to think that I am not naïve. I don’t accuse my partner of cheating, I don’t think he would. I have however given him a really hard time about being friends with people like this because I see it as acceptance of unforgivable circumstances. I know that some people get through cheating, but I know this little black duck could never get over it

 

told my fiance that I wanted to tell X’s wife and he said that if I did this than it would be being disloyal to him and he would leave. I can’t help but think there is not much substance to this relationship if he could leave me over this. What if he brings an STD home to his wife or even baby? He says it is none of my business and I don’t know their relationship. He also told me that if he ever cheated on me his mates would not tell me. That astounds me because his friends are mine as well aren’t they, how is he so sure? Then he assures me there is more chance of him getting a sex change than cheating on me. I believe him but surely these women are not married to these men thinking they are cheating on them? I said X’s wife trusts him too and he assures her he is loyal.. I really think that X’s wife deserves to know and I want to tell her.

[Guest]

I reckon you should stop worrying about it all, getting involved in other peoples business is always going to end in tears. i think it is better to turn a blind eye, I'm not saying that cheating is acceptable as I really disagree with it and think that people should have the balls to break up with someone if they have lukewarm feelings.

 

however people who ususally cheat do not have the courage or strength to end the relationship because they are afraid of being on their own. i think people cheat because they do not want to be alone and so just stick with what they have at the time until something better comes along grass is always greener.

 

remember ignorance is bliss! and it is the more you find stuff out about other people and their private lives the more entangled you become and it will all end in tears.

 

just enjoy life and if your happy with your fiance and you feel he loves you then don't worry and be thankful for the times you spend together. nothing last forever and we should not worry about the possibility of things going sour!

 

Enjoy and be happy!

[norajane]

You've asked a lot of good questions, and I'm sure somewhere out there on internet land, there are a lot of psychology and relationship experts who have tried to tackle those questions.

 

I think most people trust their partners because they love them and - in the absence of any evidence to the contrary - have no reason to suspect them of anything. We believe our lovers are loyal and faithful, unless something happens to shake our trust. Trust is crucial to a good relationship. You cannot have a solid, long-term relationship if you are filled with suspicion and doubt.

 

There are some people who do question their partner's loyalty or propensity to cheat, especially if they've had a previous partner who cheated, or know a lot of people who have cheated or been cheated on. But, usually, the default position is to trust.

 

I would say that cheaters and liars aren't very good at it, since so many of them get caught and their broken-hearted lovers post on LS...but they wouldn't be posting if they had no idea they were being cheated on, so there are probably just as many who never get caught.

 

The difference between an honest person and a liar is the liar is selfish. My personal theory is they never grew up and out of the stage where they learned to lie their parents to get away with something. It's controlling and manipulative behavior because they don't allow their partner to make choices based on reality.

 

If my partner were cheating on me, I would want to know. Ignorance may be bliss, but blind trust is easy to take advantage of. I would want to know if I were being taken advantage of by the person who supposedly loves me.

 

Telling...well, you'll have to give that a lot of thought. You know how your bf would react if you told this lady about her husband. He has his "code" of behavior that he and his mates subscribe to, and that won't change. You have to figure out if your "code" allows you to keep quiet for the sake of keeping your relationship intact.