Am I Wrong?

[numsey]

My ex & I broke up at the end of Feb. For the most part it was a mutual break. We both had some issues to work out and we were starting to drift apart a little. We did our own thing for a while but eventually started to talk to each other again and even hung out a few times as "just friends". Then we went out to a club this past Sat and things went a little farther than we had planned for them to and we ended up sleeping together. Afterwards she starts to cry and tell me that she made a huge mistake and that she wanted me back. I agreed on the condition that we move slowly and not try to jump back in where we left off as I still had some things that I had to work out. Now she is calling me on a constant basis, wanting me to stay at her house every night, have dinner with her, all of the things that we did before. I tried to tell her that I feal that she is going back at this a little to quickly but she got kind of defensive. Questioning me if I really wanted to be with her, asking me if there was someone else, (there isn't) and saying that now I don't trust her anymore. Its not that I dont trust her, its just that I need time to think and decide for myself if this is what I really want. I love her to death but she left me once before and I dont know yet if I want to take the chance on her hurting me once again.

 

Am I wrong for wanting to take some time on this? I know I'm being kind of selfish and maybe stringing her along a little bit but don't I have the right to be a little cautious of this due to the fact that she has hurt me before? Could really use some insight or some advise on this situation.

[jmargel]

You have every right to take as much time as you need, but you need to becareful in the same sense that you can't be pulling her towards you as well.

 

It's like having a puppy on a leash and pulling him towards you, when it gets closer to you, you run away.

 

In other words, while you are making up your mind, don't sleep with her. If you two are serious about each other, I would look into some sort of counseling, if you really want to fix what is wrong.

[CaliGuy]

Nope, you are correct. She's wanting to rush you to go at her pace. If she is not willing to go at a pace that makes you comfortable then she doesn't really care about you or your needs. She's being selfish.

 

Lay down what you want/expect and if she can't work within those parameters then break it off.

 

Like you said, she broke up with you once, she'll do it again if you bend over backwards to meet her needs but she doesn't do anything to meet yours.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I agree with jmargel and CaliGuy and would also add that rebuilding trust takes time.

 

Perhaps you could reach some sort of compromise situation that gives her a chance to regain your trust and also helps deal with her insecurities. If you do decide on a compromise route I'd suggested following jmargel's no sex advice. In situations like yours sex just complicates things. If the two of you can learn to be with each other without sex but as more than just friends the trust should return and then the sex will be great .

 

You say that although it was mostly a mutual break up that she broke up with you. You are hesitant to take her back even though she is clearly keen to have you. Sounds like it was a totally mutual break up . Whatever you decide to do I hope you end up together, because it sounds as if you both really want to work things out but are just having difficulty negotiating the issues.

[numsey]

OK, I took your advice Caliguy and jmargel and told her what I needed to get through this. To my surprise she agreed with me and said that she knows that it will take some time. She said it sucks but she knows that it is a situation that she created and now that she has to deal with the reprocutions of it. Then the other night she tried to get me to sleep with her and when I pulled away she got really emotional. She says that even though I have said that I forgive her she feels that I still really haven't forgiven her 100% yet. She feels as if we're closer to FWB than an actual couple. She brought up the ideal of just ending it for good because she thinks she is causing me more pain on a daily basis. I told her that I thought of us being more of a couple working through a problem and that I don't want to lose her. She said maybe we should just be friends until I can recieve her with open arms and not pull away.

 

I really want to work this out and be with her. How do I get that point across to her without continuing to cause her this emotional pain?

[Faith2]

You two are perfect candidates for couples counseling. It sounds like you both care about each other and about your relationship, and you both want to get it right this time. A good couples counselor will help guide you two through working out your issues together in a safe environment.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with Faith2. You have a shot at making this work but both of you have got to be willing to really listen to each other's needs.

 

As an observation based on the information that was provided, both of you are trying to control the pace. Is there no middle ground?

[SMU82]

Hey,

 

After reading your situation I totally understand how you feel. It seems to me that at the moment she feels connected to you and is constantly trying to get signs from you that you feel the same way.... she isnt getting those signs, so she keeps trying....Have you been totally honest and told her what you wrote here? See if maybe telling her those feelings will help. Also, being hurt once is definitely a good reason for not getting back with someone... just dont mess around with her emotions... if you dont really feel connected and you dont want her back, you shouldnt sleep with her. That will just make it worse. Make a decision from your head, not your heart.