In love with man in LDR..

[Girly1005]

Hello,

This may sound strange,but here goes...Im in love with a man that is in love with another woman.I've know him for 9 months,we enjoy each others company,laugh,joke,talk,cry,have a far more deeper relationship than his Fiance.I knew him 2-3 months when he told me about her.When we met she was pi$$ed at him so he decided he should meet someone new.I of course was crushed but continued to be a friend.He met her for the first time this summer(LDR)and decided to marry her the first time they met.

 

I have a few concerns.1)He dont know much about her.She is 7-8 years younger.She hasn't told him anything about herself 2)He hears from her maybe twice a week via email,even then its short and sweet 2-3 lines. 3)She refuses to go where he is to visit so he does all the travelling.I thought when we were in relationships we did everything we could to spend time with each other esp if it was LDR.He insists he will marry her in 2-4 years.I can't believe he plans to settle with her.

 

I think he is having 2nd thoughts regarding his relationship with her because I called him on his Birthday and he said a Colleague had been giving him relationship advice.I truly feel he knows I love and care about him.I sent him a cute Birthday card to his mail and sang to him in his native language,and if I were willing to bet his Fiance forgot his birthday.Iam also sending him a care pkg with homemade cookies among other gifts.

 

What do you think about this?

 

Girly

[Tony T]

I think you ought to butt out of this man's business. Speculating on the future success or failure of a man's planned marriage is NOT something a friend does.

 

I know you love the guy and that's fine and dandy but he's not engaged to you. The circumstances of his meeting and getting engaged to this other lady are bizarre and he may very well care for you and love you lots more than this gal he's engaged to.

 

Now would you want a guy for a husband who was nuts enough to ignore someone who loves him more and who he loves more in favor of some long distance lady he's fairly neutral about? This is evidence of some sort of pathology I don't think you want to be a part of.

 

Again, stay out of his business. As a friend, your job isn't to analyze his love life. Just be there to support him and go find your own guy. Doing so will be supporting yourself as well. This is not a guy who has all his marbles...and not a guy you would want for a husband. I guarantee!!!

 

Often, the reason a person would behave like this guy is a deep rooted fear of intimacy or fear of abandonment. Being engaged to or even marrying someone like this would cover both of those bases quite well. For a person with intimacy or abandonment issues, marrying a person they love makes them vulnerable to great pain they will go at great lengths to avoid.

 

Get away from him and be happy!!!

[Girly1005]

Tony,

YES Iam his friend and NO I dont think I ought to butt out.I love this man with my every being and I will go to great lengths to have him in my life.Wouldnt you go to the ends of the Earth for someone you loved and cared about??

 

When the gal split up with him and we met,she came back to him and since he knew her first(2 years) he decided he would see if it worked out.He was only going to meet her to see what she was really like and go from there.When he went to visit her,her parents pushed him into marrying her and the gal knowing about me told him she didnt have a problem marrying him,so he told her he guessed he didnt either.He later told me he didnt know if he made the decision from his heart or from the circumstances he was in at that time.

 

Im sorry I should have included this in the first posting to give you a better idea.

 

GIRLY

[Tony T]

You are meddling in an area that is not your business. Now, if he wants your advice, that's different. But if you're going to be giving him advice and he knows you care about him, he will not feel your advice is impartial.

 

My opinions are based on your own words:

 

YOU WRITE: "..Im in love with a man that is in love with another woman."

 

Well, if he's in love with her and not in love with you...you ought to know that's trouble right off the bat. He's made the conscious decision to marry her not you. And if he knows he made the wrong decision and won't get out of it, he's a wimp. Do you want a wimp?

 

YOU WRITE: "I've know him for 9 months,we enjoy each others company,laugh,joke,talk,cry,have a far more deeper relationship than his Fiance."

 

He is willing to carry on this way with you and have a much better time than he ever had with his fiance, yet he went back to her??? There had to be some good reason. That makes a statement. Either this guy is insane, this other lady's got money or she's one hell of a roll in the hay. No sane man would have left you if he cared more about you than his ex who came back into his life.

 

YOU WRITE: "She hasn't told him anything about herself."

 

You are saying that this man you care so much about and think so much of and have such a wonderful time with is engaged to a woman he knows little about? Is he daft? Is he crazy? Most women would not want to have anything to do with a man who was that easily manipulated, influenced, or whatever. There's got to be more going on here than you know about.

 

YOU WRITE: "2)He hears from her maybe twice a week via email,even then its short and sweet 2-3 lines. 3)She refuses to go where he is to visit so he does all the travelling."

 

This is bizarre. I think there's a lot he's not telling you. Are you still having sex with this guy? Is he trying to keep you around for sex without making a committment to you? Any man who would actually be serious and plan to marry someone he gets three-line emails from twice a week and who refuses to visit him is a candidate for a mental hospital.

 

YOU WRITE: "He insists he will marry her in 2-4 years.I can't believe he plans to settle with her."

 

Well, guess what, I can't believe it either. But there it is. YOU wrote it. He's saying it. It's the truth because you don't lie. It's a fact. He hasn't told you to the contrary. Again, there's something VERY VERY strange about this man. And I'm not being harsh here. If I were a doctor and he was my patient, I would put him in a pschiatric hospital immediately. No harshness about it.

 

YOU WRITE: "I think he is having 2nd thoughts regarding his relationship with her because I called him on his Birthday and he said a Colleague had been giving him relationship advice."

 

It is not logical to deduce that he's having second thoughts about his fiance because he is seeking relationship advice. However, that is a possibility. Let's hope his colleague who is giving him the advice is more sane than this guy is.

 

YOU WRITE: "I truly feel he knows I love and care about him."

 

That's precisely why you are so convenient to keep around...just in case his other venture doesn't work or he finally calls it off. You can be there for him until he goes on his next adventure.

 

If he knows you are in love with him and care about him, why would he be so cruel to tell you about this other lady, his engagement, how much he loves her and all that stuff. At the same time, he seems to be making an effort to give you hope. He's a butthole, playing both of you at the same time. I'd like to kick his ass.

 

I don't want to see you get hurt but you obviously came here for more supportive advice than I'm giving you. Right now it's just after 7a.m. in the east so others in the US will be by here later and perhaps they will give you more encouragement than I am so have patience and check back later. I'm just giving you my own personal opinion the way I see it as a dispassionate party.

 

YOU WRITE: "I sent him a cute Birthday card to his mail and sang to him in his native language,and if I were willing to bet his Fiance forgot his birthday.Iam also sending him a care pkg with homemade cookies among other gifts."

 

Well, if you must pursue a guy who is engaged and continue letting him know you are waiting in reserve, these are very kind, sweet things to do. I must also tell you that men are often not crazy about women who are not a challenge and are too nice to them. Obviously, he does not have issues with guilt. But you are setting yourself up for hurt of the worst kind.

 

You have clearly told him of your interest. If he is indeed interested in you, he will contact you if and when he terminates his engagement. Meanwhile, you are doing great damage by what you are doing. You are showing him you are capable of trying to break up an engagement and that will tell him lots about you when the dust settles. Why not take the high road? Let him be the crazy one...not the both of you!

 

YOU WRITE: "YES Iam his friend and NO I dont think I ought to butt out."

 

A friend does not have a romantic interest in the other. Clearly, your intention is to be more than a friend. You've admitted that. You cannot give him pure friendship because you have a motive of wanting more.

 

Whether or not you butt out is your business. But in the end your failure to do so will have undesireable consequences for you. However, this is something you will have to see in three dimension and I do not fault you for taking this position. I have done the same thing myself...to my undoing.

 

YOU WRITE: "Wouldnt you go to the ends of the Earth for someone you loved and cared about??"

 

Not if they were engaged to someone else. Not if they had terminated a relationship with me in order to go back with someone else. Not if I was being manipulated and being played like a fiddle with the idea that if things didn't work out elsewhere they could come back to me until they found someone else.

 

The fact that he went back to this other lady is prima facia evidence that he does not consider you to be the love of his life. That's awfully sad to me...and should be to you as well. He does not hold you to be number one. You are NOT at the top of his list. I just feel so bad for you but, again, I understand where you're coming from because I have done precisely what you are doing in the past myself.

 

YOU WRITE: "she came back to him and since he knew her first(2 years) he decided he would see if it worked out."

 

Now what kind of reason is that??? I'm going to go back to a failed relationship with somebody who split up with me just to see if it will work??? I'm going to dump somebody who is really nice to me and loves me in favor of a past lover who dusted me liking a bookshelf??? I don't think so.

 

YOU WRITE: "When he went to visit her,her parents pushed him into marrying her and the gal knowing about me told him she didnt have a problem marrying him,so he told her he guessed he didnt either."

 

This is getting more strange than "Harry Potter." I don't even think that graduates of the Hogwart School of Witches and Wizardry would be able to figure this out or do anything about it.

 

This guy actually let a lady's parents push him into marrying her? And I can't believe how romantic this all is...that she knew you and still didn't have a problem. Maybe she is marrying him just because she doesn't want another woman to have him. If he doesn't see that, he's really bad off.

 

This whole situation is horrifying...for him, for you...for the world.

 

YOU WROTE: "He later told me he didnt know if he made the decision from his heart or from the circumstances he was in at that time."

 

Well, don't you think it would be incumbant upon him to find out just how he made this decision? I mean here he is engaged to someone to spend the rest of his life with and he doesn't even know how he made the decision? Now, won't you feel special if he ever decides to marry you?

 

YOU WROTE: "Im sorry I should have included this in the first posting to give you a better idea."

 

It didn't make it any easier, it didn't change my mind, but it did make me feel more sad for your circumstances.

 

YOU WROTE: "What do you think about this?"

 

I think it's horrendously sad and tragic for you. If he comes to you, it will be a watered-down, tragically vague relationship that could easilly shatter at any moment. If you do end up with this guy, be very careful. Keeping him where you want him will be the most energy draining thing you ever did in your life.

 

And you better bake lots of cookies and pies for the colleague he gets his love advice from.

[Chickie]

Tony, once again, you keep outdoing yourself.

 

Girly, if you truely love this man then you will not butt in his life. You will say to him, "hey, I realize that over time I have fallen for you. I know you are in love with someone else. So, I'm going to step back and let you live your life. If you ever break up with her, call me."

 

That is the mature, caring thing to do. To manipulate and meddle is wrong. Regardless of your feelings. Regardless of whether you FEEL you are saving him from a bad relationship.

 

People who manipulate, meddle and smother are generally insecure. I'm not saying you are, because I don't know you. But that's how it could come across to him. So, if you REALLY do want the possibility of a relationship with this guy, DON'T DO what you've been doing. In the end he'll see through it and lose respect for you. Just say it like it is, and let it be his choice. Then you'll have a good relationship.