In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Hi, I appreciate the time you all give to throw some advice to us Anyway, Background: Technically, i've been in a relationship with my friend for a few months. However, it's long-distance, (just in the next state) and we'll be seeing each other in the next week or so. The problem: This woman friend of his, she's about 6-7 years older than him has been flirting with him a lot, hitting on him, and the most concerning thing: trying to cyber with him. He's told me how upsetting it is for him, how persistent she is, and how he's tried everything to get her to lay off. I really did not like this situation. Because i'm his girlfriend, I care about him, so I went to my other guy friend (This guy friend knows that woman really well) and I asked him to please ask her nicely if she would stop flirting and instigating sexual means to my guy. He said sure, he would. The Aftermath: My guy signs into MSN, we chat for a few, then he asks me if I had told my friend about the situation. I said yes I did, but only that "she's been saying things that are upsetting the both of us, and to get her to please refrain from saying those things." He starts sending me the conversation he had with the woman, and she said: girl: You're hot, funny, you make me laugh, I love talking to you, being around you. girl: I want to me more than just friends. my guy: If that's what you're looking for, there are many other people there for a girl like yourself. my guy: There are a lot better guys than me out there, but you can talk to me anytime if you're in need of help. girl: You sound like you don't want me to like you... guy: More like I have a girlfriend whom I'm really loyal to..etc. ____________________________________________________________ Then, she became angry. And he felt like the 'bad guy' for telling her this "After I fall for you and get all these godamn feelings." Conclusion: Is any of this my fault? Ever since last night i've been upset about this, I feel as if this is all my fault, I feel as if i did something wrong. (maybe because he got upset again, and now she's more persistent than ever.) Maybe.. I shouldn't have went to that guy friend for help. Honestly, My intent was to prevent that woman from upsetting my guy friend. I hate seeing him upset, he even said it himself! I just wanted to look after him, and I feel like i made a horrible mistake. Thank you for listening. Advice? Yes please! Link to post Share on other sites
Aloros Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 He should just tell her the same thing I tell guys who won't back off. If she can't respect his relationship, he can't have contact with her. Simple. Then he follows through on that if she continues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 27, 2007 Author Share Posted March 27, 2007 Thanks I was just speaking to him now, I'm probably crazy but I think the conversation was a bit awkward and.. more on the quiet side. Maybe it's because it's a Tuesday, or maybe i'm just trying to relate everything to that stupid matter. Anyway, thanks a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 He's not a child. If he doesn't want to have conversations with her that make him uncomfortable, he can tell her to back off, or block her on MSN. Why does he have such a hard time saying NO? Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 Oh but Norajane, he has said 'NO'. Many times. He's even tried telling her he's with someone, and he said it again here and apparently NOW she gets the idea. I guess he doesn't want to completely obliterate their friendship. He was trying so hard to explain that they are only friends, and nothing more. She won't listen. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 If he really didn't want to talk to her he would block her so he can't. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Personally, I think your guy shouldn't give a rat's butt what that girl thinks or if it hurts her feelings. He's in a relationship with you and should be firm and not worry if her feelings are dented. Does he really need her friendship that badly that he'll feel bad for hurting her feelings by telling her he's got a GF ? Do they work together or something, cause if not, I'd tell your guy to block her from contacting him. I would have a BIG prob with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 You all are right. I believe she's taken care of though, but with the whole 'caring about friendship' thing, it's probably because he's been friends with her for a while and doesn't want to completely cut off all contact. She wasn't always like this, it happened after a break-up with her old boyfriend, messed up her mind apparently. And just a side note, I know he wouldn't 'cheat' on me, it's a bit corny but he strongly believes in the idea of chivalry, (women respect and all) and being disloyal would go against his strongest morals. But thank you all for your feedback!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 I'm going to be the downer. Be careful. It takes two to keep things going. Sometimes people keep others like that around to stroke their own lack of self-esteem and before he knows it, he's into an EA, then a PA. Make 100% sure he fully understands that this is not acceptable. Hard-line it to him so he understands that this is a deal-breaker for you. You don't have to be paranoid about it but keep your eyes open for any sign of unusual behaviour from him. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Make 100% sure he fully understands that this is not acceptable. Hard-line it to him so he understands that this is a deal-breaker for you. You don't have to be paranoid about it but keep your eyes open for any sign of unusual behaviour from him. Yep I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Personally, I think, no matter how long her guy has been friends with the woman, if that woman has those kind of feelings toward him, he needs to stop all contact. It's asking for trouble between her and her guy. Obviously the potential OW didn't care about causing a rift between them. Of course, where her guy is concerned, it might just be a case of some ego stroking, as you called it, too. Good point! Trialbyfire Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 This woman wants to have sex with your boyfriend, and is blatant about it, whilst he is in a relationship with you. Wake up and smell the coffee! You should insist that he immediately stop all contact with her. Stop pussyfooting around, take charge of the situation and cut her out. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 yeah, cause this other woman must think this girl isn't interested enough in her man to stand up and tell him to stay away from the potential OW. The POW could be thinking, hey, if you don't want him I do! Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 There's no friendship to maintain. If she's trying to steal him away from his gf, she's not his friend. A friend would respect that he wants to be loyal to his gf and not get all pissy when he says he has one. BTW, be careful putting your foot down. You don't want to come off sounding like a jealous b*tch, but be firm. Try not to make it sound like a her vs me thing. And be wary if he puts up an arguement and refuses to stop being friends with her. Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 If he didn't want her chasing him, he could stop it easy enough. He either likes it or he needs to grow a pair. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 BTW, be careful putting your foot down. You don't want to come off sounding like a jealous b*tch, but be firm. Try not to make it sound like a her vs me thing. And be wary if he puts up an arguement and refuses to stop being friends with her. If he does that, he's an ******* and I'd dump his ass! Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 With the jealous issue I would also think that if someone asked me to stop talking to someone. Be one of the first words out of my mouth behind why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 Ah thank you all so much for your advice. Regarding the whole "beating around the bush" thing, to be honest, I am a bit inexperienced and I don't know any better when it comes to dating 101. Maybe I haven't made enough mistakes to learn from them? But mostly I learn from 'observing' friend's relationships. Anyway, I'm the type of person who dislikes making situations too big of a deal, (but apparently this is a big deal?) I should have mentioned it before, but the woman doesn't live anywhere near him as of late. It's all internet up to this point. So I know she won't be out actually trying to seduce him or anything. Also, I think he is giving her warnings before actually cutting off all contact, like telling her to back off or w/e, but if she keeps continuing it, he will probably stop talking to her. See, I took the easy route first, to see how things would end up. (Like talking to my friend who is good friends with the woman) And she just got angry when hearing the truth. If (or when) she decides to try to do it again and upsets my man, then yeah, i'll be aggressive and i'll hard line it to him. And no, I do not want to sound like a jealous b*tch. Although I have a slight problem with being envious in relationships, I know at this point I have my own place in him. I think I can pull it off by telling him when she's off upsetting him again, which hopefully will never happen again. Then it'll just sound like -i'm sick of the girl upsetting my man, don't talk to that woman.- PS: Would it be okay for him to stay friends with her when she cools off and IF she decides never to try to seduce him again? Or is she gone for good? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 PS: Would it be okay for him to stay friends with her when she cools off and IF she decides never to try to seduce him again? Or is she gone for good? Thanks Anyone can agree to that. If he wants to stay friends with her he could easily agree so you'll back off. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 As long as this girl has a thing for your guy, she'll always be a problem. Until the day she moves on, as in finds herself a guy and settles down with him, and you'd be able to tell if she's only got eyes for a new guy, then I'd not want her to be friends with your guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 Was thinking the same thing, Shelly. @Vina: that'd be pretty sneaky of him though, and knowing his moral attitude pertaining to relationships, I doubt he would do that. I don't know if it counts, but I asked him once before if he would ever cheat in a relationship, and he replied with a pretty sincere answer about 'chivalry' (Like respect and courtesy towards women) Not anything cliche like "Of course I wouldn't do that, I swear." And he even 'appears offline' on MSN to avoid her. Man, we need more optimistic people I'm just hoping she's mature enough to move on, instead of sulking in her rejection forever. I won't be a hypocrit though, I know how it feels. But i'm not giving her a long time. Thanks a lot guys Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 PS: Would it be okay for him to stay friends with her when she cools off and IF she decides never to try to seduce him again? Or is she gone for good? After some time, it might be ok. Or it might not. If they do become friends again, he ought to get rid of her at the first sign that she's after him. No warnings at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 Haha, can this be one of those "whatever happens, happens" situations? I try to partially live like that, but I also try to change things myself by making the first moves, living in the moment and all. And I won't give him a reason to even want this other woman to cross his mind that way. I want to do the best I can to keep both of us content in this relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 My only question would be, why pursue it with her? This relationship is between you and your man. If there are future issues, it's your guy that needs to shut it down, not you to the woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In_thespurofthe_mome Posted March 30, 2007 Author Share Posted March 30, 2007 @Trialbyfire~ Yes, I agree. But if my guy becomes upset/po'd over this girl, so will I. So in essence, she affects me too, so I felt like I had to do something productive! Just trying to help Link to post Share on other sites
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