We're together, But she's interfering.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay. I understand but your guy has some responsibilities of his own. He should be ripping her a new one himself so she goes yipping off to the corner.

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

Haha, yes But as of now, everything is running pretty smoothly. Should see him soon and that should strengthen our relationship a bit

Thanks a lot though :3

[BentSpine]

I am afraid you're not home safe yet.

 

You know, actions speak louder than words. Him saying "No" when he voluntarily continues to have contact with her really means: "To keep my life at as it is, the status quo, I shouldn't do this but it feels too good to stop." She fills a need in him that you don't and if she knows it, she will be encouraged.

 

Furthermore, the Other Woman shows some interest in your partner and you in response turn into Ms. Insecure, approaching her. The Other Woman may become even more encouraged by this since if she ups the interest in your partner, then possibly you may end up becoming even more insecure, perhaps graduating to Ms. Crazy, turning your partner off to the point of demise of your relationship.

 

Your first mistake is painting your partner as a innocent victim. The other mistake is focusing on the Other Woman instead of filling all the needs your partner has.

 

If you fill your partner's needs and he still leaves you for another woman, the relationship wasn't meant to be and you are better off with someone who doesn't doubt that it's you they want to be with.

[BentSpine]

If he does that, he's an ******* and I'd dump his ass!

But keep the hole?

[nicki]

:laugh:

 

The posters are right: this about the behavior of your boyfriend, not the woman.

 

He needs to say NO with his words and actions. Case closed.

 

If a woman shows interest in a man, he can not be friends with her.

 

I would worry about why he is being nice to this woman and caring about HER feelings.

 

I've been in this situation before with a boyfriend. An ex girlfriend still wanted him and kept in contact with him, even sending him sexy emails referring to how good he was in bed. Arghhh!

 

He said she was "just that way" and he had told her when they broke up that they could be "friends." He hated having people mad at him. It didn't seem to matter that I was royally pissed at him, though.

 

So, I began to show how mad I was. I pulled away emotionally. I guess he started to care more about my feelings, and he eventually cut off all contact with her.

 

I don't play the "cool" girlfriend who lets my guy be friends with women who have interest in him. I now play the "get the f*ck away from me" girlfriend.

 

Yes, some guys are clueless about some women's manipulations and bad intentions. BUT, once their girlfriends bring up how uncomfortable they are with a sketchy situation, then the guy needs to locate his backbone and say "No" to the other woman.

 

Or, if he doesn't, then get yourself a guy friend who desires you. Be sure to tell your boyfriend how much this guy "bothers" you with his compliments and suggestive behavior. When your boyfriend tells you that this other guy is after you, smile sweetly and say "Oh, he's just a friend. I've told him 'No.' What else can I do? Oh, well. I don't want to be mean to him."

 

Anyway, I have seen this kind of situation blow up in my face and friends' faces too often. The rule is "no friends with members of the opposite sex who make it known they want to be more than friends." Rule broken? Game over.

 

I have become too much of a hard a** lately on this issue, but I don't care. It makes my life a lot easier, and I weed out the spineless men who can't say "NO" when they need to.

[shellys-trying]

But keep the hole?

 

hee hee! Good one!

 

I just think the guy she's with has a responsibility to his relationship with his GF, not this "friend" who's proven she has "more than friends" feelings for him. He should feel embarrassed to be around her incase the woman creates a situation to try and flirt, etc with him, you know, a temptation thing.I wouldn't even feel tempted, honestly, I'd feel turned off.

If it were me, I'd let the guy know, hey I have a GF. I want to be with her and there's no room for you. Since you don't want to respect that, our friendship is over."

It's not even a harmless friendship anymore, anyway, since the woman showed him/told him she had more feelings than friendship for him.

The whole not respecting my SO would just turn me off completely.

 

Either this girl's BF dumps the friend because he loves his GF or he's keeping the woman as a friend cause he likes someone lusting after him, besides his GF.

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

@Bentspine.

Woah, reading that aspect of yours crushed my day!

But sadly, all we can come up with are assumptions. More or less.

 

About the whole 'she fills a need in him that I cannot fulfill," If I were to try and pursue that need and fill it in him, wouldn't I be stooping down to her level and begin to act as does? (which are the actions that cause him to become upset) Man, if he wanted the woman from the beginning, he wouldn't have pursued it with me in the first place, Am I correct?

 

And the "I shouldn't do this because it feels too good to stop," That's plain assuming. I mean, everybody makes assumptions, but this is just some woman who is a persistent annoyance, on his last nerve, desperate, and atleast 6-7 years older than him. And ontop of that, she re-located to another state, and can only talk to him through the internet.

(How about the phone? you ask, well, almost every night we talk on the phone and both decide to go to bed. We're students. We need sleep.)

 

Ms. Insecure... How about, "B****, you mess with him, you mess with me." Except, erm, I took the nice way first. Afterall, I am a kind person.

 

This is all just another relationship obstacle. And i'm sure we can get out of this I'll do the best I can.. for the sake of the both of us.

Thanks guys.

[crazy_grl]

ITSOTM, I don't think you have to worry yet.

 

Simply put, there are three possible reasons for the way he's acting:

1. Like BentSpine said, she fills a need in him and though he complains, he's not going to let her go.

 

If that's the case, you should just let him go. Don't waste your energy trying to fill some depraved need of his for this attention. You'll be better off finding some guy who doesn't need this kind of stuff.

 

2. He really is trying to be nice and it hasn't gotten to the point that it bothers him enough to put a stop to it. He'll lay down the law with her when she really does start to bug him.

 

If this is the case, you don't have much to worry about. He'll drop her when he gets sick of it or realizes that she's a danger to your relationship.

 

3. It's bothering him a lot, and he realizes the danger she poses to your relationship, but doesn't have the balls to put his foot down with her.

 

Some people are too afraid of hurting another person's feelings for their own good. If that's the case, drop him and find someone with a spine.

 

You'll find out what it is in time. A good indicator that it's #1 is if he gets angry at you for suggesting he stop speaking to her. If that happens, run, do not walk, away. If her flirting goes on much longer without him stopping it, then you've got #1 or #3 and you'd better start rethinking the relationship.

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

Thank you, Crazy_grl

 

But.. If it does happen to be 2 or 3 (I'm seriously doubting 1 because apparently I have a grasp on how he thinks) If I happened to leave him just because of her, would that even be worth it? I mean, I'm very happy now. He proves that there's hope for a worthwhile guy out there for me, (regardless of the immature ones at school.) And I really don't want to break this relationship, purely off of assumptions/envy. I know we can get through this, and if not, i'll have learned something new.

[Ariadne]

He proves that there's hope for a worthwhile guy out there for me, (regardless of the immature ones at school.)

 

How can you expect to date a mature, centered guy, when you are immature and insecure yourself?

 

Ariadne

[crazy_grl]

How can you expect to date a mature, centered guy, when you are immature and insecure yourself?

 

Ouch. That's unfair, Ariadne. I think ITSOTM is handling this pretty well. She's not blowing things out of proportion, stomping her feet and demanding her bf not speak to girls unless she gives him permission.

 

When your bf is consistenly complaining about some girl coming onto him, it's natural (and a pretty good idea) to question what exactly is going on. The looming question is "why is he allowing it to continue?" If you don't find that out, you just might end up blind-sided by your bf leaving you for or cheating on you with said girl.

 

How do you think ITSOTM could have handled this more maturely?

[Ariadne]

How do you think ITSOTM could have handled this more maturely?

 

Not by telling some guy to talk to the girl to tell her not to talk to her bf, for sure.

 

And by trusting her bf to be perfectly capable of handling those situations, for a start.

 

Ariadne

[crazy_grl]

Not by telling some guy to talk to the girl to tell her not to talk to her bf, for sure.

 

Ok, I forgot about that. I do agree that wasn't the best idea, unless she knew the friend was going to really have a sit down with the girl about what she's doing, why she's doing it, and if she should be doing it instead of just telling her something like, "XYZ's gf wants me to tell you to stop talking to her man."

 

And by trusting her bf to be perfectly capable of handling those situations, for a start.

 

It seems that for the most part she is. Maybe she didn't handle everything perfectly, but none of us do, no matter how mature we are. I can think of a lot worse ways to handle this situation, and I've read a lot of posts on this subject that come off a lot more immature.

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

Thanks for sticking up for me Crazy_grl, but about the whole immature thing, I've already said I don't know any better when it comes to relationships, well, because of the lack of experience I suppose. So I know that I might screw something up without knowing >_<.

 

I did it because I felt I needed to do something about this to, as the girlfriend. I refused to sit and wait for things to just happen, I make decisions that can either change things for the good or the bad, and go from there. Who knows if taking the 'nice girl' approach first was the wrong thing to do?

 

Thank you

[shellys-trying]

I think letting your guy get his point across is fine, but if he's not making his point to this other woman,and you as his GF can tell why his point wouldn't get across, you know him, then you should step in and "stand by your man".

There would be nothing wrong with that, especially if your guy has been trying to get her to see the point, which is, "I'm in a committed R, step back cause I'm not interested."

I'd just be ever watchful in any case.

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

Finally Someone optimistic, Thank you Shelly.

That is my intention, to 'stand by him.' I don't care if he doesn't have a strong enough back bone, I really don't. I just know that the two of us can win, versus her. Who says team work can't work ;P

[shellys-trying]

Unfortunately alot of men, H's or BF's, don't have as strong backbones as we Ws/GF's do.

My H still doesn't like putting his foot down or what have you.

 

He didn't want to after I found out about the A he had with a coworker. He would have rather just never talked to her again. He thought he could just ignore her at work.

With a homewrecker or even a potential one, they won't allow it.

I had to tell H he had to end it, let her know to her face and be firm and convincing to her.

When he told her it was over, her first question was, "Are you sure?" Like she wanted to make sure he knew what a gem he was giving up.

She wanted to hang on for dear life cause she knew she had a meal ticket (or so she thought). He of course said, "I love my W....etc. etc."

 

To which she replied, "Well you don't have to avoid me" which meant if she could still get him to talk to her, that would make me, the W feel insecure and cause trouble with us at home.(which might be the case of the OW wannabe in your BF's dealings.

 

Whores are good at troublemaking, if they weren't they wouldn't be with MM, or try to get someone in a committed R or M to skank with them.

 

I'm just trying to give my own experiences to someone else, maybe as a way to help them, where I didn't get the 411 when I needed it.

[bridget_jones]

I really don't think he would have told you and showed you the MSN transcripts if he liked the attention from her. I think he really doesn't want to hurt her. But she is really out of line. I am single and would never pursue a guy who clearly has a girlfriend.

 

Are you two serious? Because you said "technically a relationship" and called him your "guy friend" later.

 

Anyway he did say he was loyal. Plus she's 7 years older, why would he want that?

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

To Bridget;

 

We are dating, but since we have to cope with the long-distance thing, I suppose I feel as if we have already reached as far as we can go in aspects of a long-distance relationship. I'm going to see him this week, though.

And I just found out!

 

• The woman lives in Europe. Manchester, England, and we're on the east coast of the USA. What do you think about that?

So I definately know there won't be any sneaking around, and IMPORTANT: If she was to pursue ANYTHING with him, it would be illegal. Yeah, he's not 18+ . Sorry I didn't mention that.

 

@Shelly:

"Whores are good at trouble making..." Amen to that.

I think she backed off, He hasn't said anything about that ever since the day I spoke up (nicely.) Thank you for relating with me, though

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

Alright, another newsflash.

 

She's in Italy,

And apparently he says she has stopped (for good?) But nonetheless she has stopped, and apparently they are okay with talking. So she's not bitc*ing, and I think after that, we've grown just a little more.

 

So thanks guys, for the advice!